Dealing with abuse from an elderly parent?

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Briefly my mother has lived with ,my husband & I for the past 5yrs.We care for her.
She is 73 and had a stroke 10yrs ago left with physical mobility problems, mental reasoning (which she totally disputes)

She has many health problems on top of this.

She does not think she needs to be cared for. My sister & I had been sharing care for her in her own home for the first 5yrs but then she lost 5 stones in weight (70lbs).She was not taking her meds correctly and just sleeping and smoking all the time.The food in her fridge was out of date.
We contacted social services and they made an assessment of her needs.Professional care was arranged but my mother refused to let them in. So she came to live with us.

Anyway my post is…how do you deal with a parent who abuses you verbally and emotionally?

Mum suffers with bouts of anger and rage and abuses me with cruel comments. This all manifests when she forgets to take meds or fluids etc and she hates being reminded.

Over the past 5yrs her behaviour has caused a strain in our marriage on many occasions.

I am at the point where I do not want her to live with us any longer. I cannot cope with her cruel comments.I am depressed and feeling anxious and panicky again. I have had a history of anxiety and panic attacks for years.

Thanks for reading this

God bless
 
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My situation with my late mother was roughly similar. It’s time for you to find someplace else to live, some type of assisted living facility (I don’t know if they call them that in the UK). She is harming your health and your marriage. I suggest you talk to social services again, and let them know the entire story, including the effects on you and your family.
 
It is time for you to move your mother to a nusing home that can care for her type of issues. They have the skill and expirence to see to it that she will properly take her medications, put her on a healthy diet and either forbid the smoking or make her cut down. Her needs now exceed what you can do for her in your home.
 
Praying for you! I agree with the others. This is not healthy for anyone involved and you need help. She will fight you all the way, but she needs needs more care than you can provide. Please seek out help, for you, your marriage, and for your mom. Not sure how the system works there, but there must be help out there for cases such as this.
 
It is not healthy for you and your marriage to have to live with someone who abuses you. It is not good for your mother either. You need to investigate nursing homes ASAP. My father-in-law was a very difficult man who needed care and we did not have him live with us but instead found a great assisted living center close by to where we lived and his many needs were met. Was he happy about this? Not at first but he adjusted and we visited him almost daily. It the best thing for all and I have no regrets. You should consider it.
 
I agree with the others, Teresa. Your mum has gotten to the point where you are unable to help her, especially with medication and drinking fluids. In a nursing home, they are trained to be able to deal with these very normal elderly problems. You have not been trained for this. And you are burned out, which is understandable. Please go and see the social workers and explain that you are unable to continue and it’s time to find your mum another living situation. I will continue to pray for you, and your mum.
 
tbcrawford said:
Anyway my post is…how do you deal with a parent who abuses you verbally and emotionally?

Thanks for reading this

God bless
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You’re not alone.

This is one reason why I no longer go home to visit relatives at holidays, but rather spend the holidays alone. Yes, I know that’s extreme. And yes, the situation has become that toxic. I was just speaking yesterday on the phone with a friend of mine who understands, and who prays for me and my family.

When my grandparents and father were alive, things were much better. Seeing them made the trips home worth it. I miss them dearly.

Once they died, the rest of the family … well, they are in my daily prayers.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, tbcrawford,
and I will pray for you and your family.

~~ the phoenix
 
I think the first thing is to acknowledge that you are asking two questions.

The first question is how to arrange for the practical needs of food, shelter, medical care, etc. of your mother. The second question is how to deal with the emotional discord that your mother is creating in your home.

The title of this thread struck me. You used the word “abuse”. I tend to think of abuse as a deliberate act by someone who knows better. Someone who is mentally impaired may be able to inflict considerable harm but it might not be fair to call it abuse.

I think the first thing you need to do is make up your mind about whether or not your mother is responsible for her behavior. Based on what you’ve said it seems that she is not. But I am not in position to make that determination. You are. A five year old who has a temper tantrum when she can’t visit the amusement park due to illness is going to be annoying. But you will probably be a lot more understanding of that five year old than you will be of a teen who has a tantrum when you tell her she can’t go because she didn’t respect the curfew you gave her last weekend. Is your mother the five year old or the teen?

If your mother is not mentally competent and you have not already done so you need to take whatever legal steps are necessary to make decisions on her behalf.

I don’t know your financial resources, those of your mother, those of your sister, and those that would be provided by the government. If it is possible it might be best if she could live in a facility where she can have some independence but still receive meals and assistance with medications. If you can’t afford that then perhaps you can arrange to have some one come to your home while you, your husband, and any other family members get out of the house.

I guess my point is that you will probably have to satisfied with the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. As with an unhappy child you will probably not see much appreciation from your mother. I don’t imagine this will be easy, whatever you do. It’s made harder by the knowledge that time will generally make things worse.

Lots of prayers!
 
Thankyou everyone for your responses. You are all most kind and I appreciate all your (name removed by moderator)ut.
At present mother is staying at my sisters house (where I care for my sisters).So she is not here overnight at present.

l have been dealing with these things on and off for 10yrs (when mum had the stroke)…obviously worse when mum came to live with us 5yrs ago.

Mum has always been this way though prior to the stroke, the stroke has just exacerbated things.

She has always refused point blank to have professional care help come in to the house. She does not think she needs care help in any way at all and that is her biggest problem.

I feel much better hearing from so many of you as my emotions range from hurt and anger to guilt.
At the moment though I feel depressed.

Yes I call it abuse as that is what it is.Mum has always been this way prior to the stroke…unfortunately the stroke has exacerbated the traits. To shout at a daughter " no wonder your kids hate you" as I was calling the doctor for advice when she took two doses of her meds too closely together is cruel and why would someone be so hurtful?

A few months back mum hit my sister around the face during one of her anger bouts.

I am not qualified to deal with this behaviour professionally or emotionally.

I called social services first thing Monday morning & have heard nothing back from them.I will chase them up tomorrow. In the meantime my own mental health is suffering.

Long term I do need to get mum moved to a care home type facility & I feel much better about this now after reading your supportive responses.

Thankyou all from the bottom of my heart.
God bless you
 
More prayers coming your way. We are determining if my mother needs to be in some kind of a care facility, but she is not mentally or emotionally impaired in anyway thankfully. It is still very, very hard. When your parent treats you as you hav described I’m sure it is immeasurably harder. Hopefully you will conntect with social services soon and will be able to get a good placement for her.
 
tbcrawford said:
She has always refused point blank to have professional care help come in to the house. She does not think she needs care help in any way at all and that is her biggest problem.

God bless you
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Dear one, she should not have gotten to decide this. YOU should have decided what help was necessary and then just taken care of yourself and arranged for help. But never mind, that’s water under the bridge. Now you must go forward and keep your resolve to let go of your mum while you let others help her more than you can. You’ve truly done all that you can do and others can now help her more than you can. You will be no good to anyone if you carry on taking her abuse. And she needs more supervision than you can provide (the overdose on her medications).

You will remain in my prayers.
 
Thankyou so much RealJulianne and Mrs Sally and everyone.

Mrs Sally it is indeed a very difficult decision and I pray that you will be able to do what is needed for yoru mother.

Dear Phoenix I empathise with you and your family. I need to love my mother from a distance. Sometimes it is best to love family members from a distance.

I am eager to contact social services and get things arranged as soon as possible.

Thankyou once again for our responses and for your prayers.

God bless each of you
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Dear one, she should not have gotten to decide this. YOU should have decided what help was necessary and then just taken care of yourself and arranged for help. But never mind, that’s water under the bridge. Now you must go forward and keep your resolve to let go of your mum while you let others help her more than you can. You’ve truly done all that you can do and others can now help her more than you can. You will be no good to anyone if you carry on taking her abuse. And she needs more supervision than you can provide (the overdose on her medications).

You will remain in my prayers.
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I second this very wise advice.

Annie
 
I work professionally as someone who provides in-home care for elderly that cannot be 100% self-sufficient. I think the first think you and your family needs to keep in mind is that if her personally and behavior is perfectly agreeable when she is on her medication yet is not when she forgets to take them, then the undesirable behavior is entirely a result of not getting the medication. Even having said that, I am very much well aware that it can still be very difficult to not take these kinds of comments personally. You’re going to have to be very diligent about making sure that she gets the necessary medication.

Secondly this line of work can be stressful, even when you’re being paid to do it and don’t live with the person full-time. I have a very wonderful client at the moment that I cannot legally go into details about beyond that, but I’ve had others where I’ve been completely drained of all energy even after a short 4-hour shift for one reason or another [that I also cannot go into details about]. You cannot be taking care of her full-time 24/7 and need time to yourself. Even when I had clients that had 24/7 care, we got days off. You’re either going to have to split up the time with other family such that nobody takes on a shift more than 12-hours straight if medication keeps her personality/behavior under control [and less if it does not], go through an agency to get respite care so that you can get time away from your mom, or consider putting her in a nursing home. There really are no other options.
 
Teresa are you in uk? If you mum is on disability benefits she should qualify for another benefit (i forget what its called ) and it would be for you to use to hire and pay a professionel to provide daily in home care
 
Teresa have you thought about putting your mum in respite care…ask your dr about it…if she was in respite you could choose how long you want her home for, eg you may choose to put her in weekly respite care and have her home once or twice a week
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Anyway my post is…how do you deal with a parent who abuses you verbally and emotionally?
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prayer

I want to congratulate you for doing this huge sacrifice. I would talk with my priest and go from there.

Pray and pray for her. I would place a Saint Benedict medal (blessed) and mother Mary between her matrices. I would get also a green scapular.

Believe in prayer and don’t give up. Your mother needs so much prayer to prepare for her life after death.

Blessings and love!
 
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