Dealing with an alcoholic father

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Dad has been struggling with alcoholism most of his life. About 18 months ago he sprouted off drunk and ended up losing his job. He quit for several months but then went back. Last year about this time he tripped into the wood stove, suffering bad Burns to his hands and arms. He sought professional help after this and was given the Med that makes you sick if you drink (Anabuse?). Since then he’ll take it for awhile until he feels better then stop. A week or two later he’s drinking again- anywhere from a couple of days to a week, before mom has had enough and gets him taking it again.

So here’s my big filename. Earlier this year my parents offered to take our daughter to Disney and to visit my great aunt. Word is she’s not doing well health-wise, which was one factor in the timing of the trip. As this pattern has continued, dad has blamed all sorts of emotional stressors for his latest binges… when my nephew was talking about not continuing college…5 days. We’re currently on day 2 of the latest, because he misses his mom & dad (1991 and 2001, so neither were recent). With my aunt being his mom’s last surviving sister, I’m very concerned this pattern will repeat itself on their trip.

Dad is not violent, but is a very sloppy drunk and very verbally abusive (today’s rant was directed at my in-laws about how horrible my mother in law is because dad and mom send a cookie tray and my MIL doesn’t return the favor (that she’s 79 and doesn’t bake anymore is not an acceptable answer). With his abuse being directed at a wider and wider group of family members, I am concerned about my kids being around him.

Any advice on how to address this? I really want to put my foot down and say dad is either taking his Med everyday or our girl stays home. There will be other adult family members on the trip, and my mom swears he doesn’t drink on Disney trips. She will also lay a guilt trip about that being unfair to our daughter. The way I look at it is I’m setting the ground rules and dad will be punishing her by his choice to not stay on his Med and keep from drinking.

Thanks.
 
That is a tough one.
I can relate because my husband is an alcoholic, but he only drinks at night and is a sentimental drunk.
We let him watch our grandson, who is 4, occasionally, but I notice his mom doesn’t ask us to watch him if I’m going to be gone.

It kind of hinges on how old your daughter is, how responsible your mother is, who’s going to be in charge, and other issues like that. If it’s a two year old and your mother gives in to her husband when he’s drinking, so he might be driving them around while drunk, that’s not cool. If your daughter is 16 and can take care of herself, maybe it would work, if she could refuse to get in the car with a drunk driver. What risks would you be taking on behalf of your daughter? If he’s likely to include your daughter in a tirade, I would refuse to let her go. Children of any age don’t need to be subjected to insults and belittling, that’s why so many people go to Adult Children of Alcoholic programs.
You have to assume that he will not stay on his medicine just because family want him to, or because it’s the responsible thing to do. Alcoholics don’t go by the rules.
God bless.
 
Are we missing something? Why exactly would you consider exposing your daughter to this danger?
 
This is exactly what I was thinking… And not just the abusive language either,
There is much that can go wrong… So very much can go wrong…
I know I may be thinking things worse than you… Young girl… Drunk man…
Then,does he drink drive ? … So much can go wrong… And perhaps if you confront your dad about your fears… Then you are in the firing line…
What to do ?
At least you are brave enough to say and do what you think is right…
You are being a responsible mother…adult… Daughter…
Keep your children by your side and keep them in safer company…
You are in a tough place…protect what you have.
 
I would not take a chance of my child being abused. To see a drunk acting out, even if it is not directed at her, is traumatic.
 
Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that verbal abuse is its own form of violence. Having grown up with one alcoholic father and one miserably depressed bitter mother, I was exposed daily to anger, swearing, muttering, and yelling directed at me. It feels like being physically smothered by a thick, black cloud. It feels like literally having your brain hit over and over and over again. It hurts. And those criticisms and the general treatment stay with a person for a long time, sometimes a lifetime.

I keep my children away from my parents and siblings as much as I can. And yes, they certainly do guilt trip me, and it’s miserable. But I don’t want my children thinking it’s normal for their grandparents to slap them (yes, my parents have both done that or tried to do it), or yell at them and pick and find fault.

My question, like others, is, why would you send your daughter with someone who isn’t reliable?
 
A couple things to add - my parents were doing this as a Christmas present for my girl (she’s 5, almost 6). My sister and her husband are responsible adults. My wife and I are not going due to money reasons only. They want to take all the grandchildren who are old enough to appreciate it (18,14,8,and 5), and my sister and her husband are going with. The goal was to spend a week in FL, with a day trip to go visit my aunt and her family, then balance the rest at Disney. So, there will be other responsible adults around that can shield her from the verbal abuse, should it occur, by taking her to another area of the park, to the hotel pool, etc. My dad will not be a driver on any vehicle (he hates driving in traffic, which is pretty much Orlando/Disney as well the the interstate down to my aunt’s), and it sounds like my sister and her husband will be the drivers on the rental (maybe Mom too). And for the record, my dad has never been physically abusive; only verbally (and only when intoxicated). Mom has been letting him drink for a few days to ‘get it out of his system’ (typically through the weekend) before she’ll demand he start taking his med, which he usually complies with (at least for awhile) on Monday morning.

When we have taken family trips in the past, Dad has not been drinking on them, so I must concede mom’s argument that he normally behaves on vacation.

Most likely scenario is that Dad does indeed behave, as he has in the past, and they all have a good time. But, with the regular bouts off the wagon, and them seeming to occur about every 4-6 weeks (which would put the timing smack dab in the middle of the trip), my wife and I are getting very nervous (we were already nervous about letting our girl go so far from home without us as is).

But, I know if we come back now and say no, that it will cause a VERY NASTY fight for Christmas.
 
My FIL is an alcoholic. Similar to your father. He is a night drinker and also tends to be quite verbally abusive.

Everyone has their own rules and opinions when it comes to family members who are alcoholics.

For me? No way would I ever allow my daughters to go on a vacation with an alcoholic without me there.
I don’t care who it is, who is with them or what the excuses are.

My husband’s father will never babysit for our children until he quits the chain smoking and the drinking for a substantial period of time. Period. My husband knows this and respects this. I’ll quit my plans before I allow an alcoholic to be alone with my children.
The fact is…my FIL has never quit drinking or smoking from the beginning. This is some 40 plus years.

He is more then welcome to drop by our house, on our terms, and see his grandchildren. He is always invited to birthday parties, christenings, holidays and other activities with the kids if we are there.
That is where it ends.

Based on what I’m reading…you are looking for an excuse to let your daughter go to Disney with your parents…despite the situation.

In my opinion…you need to establish rules and stick by them. If I was nervous as nervous as you seem…I wouldn’t let her go.
 
This is an awful choice to face so close to the trip, particularly if you say no, your daughter isn’t going to understand why she isn’t going with her cousins and grandparents.

I think what I would say is that your parents are not going to be able to take your daughter on trips until your dad has demonstrated that he can be dry and behave himself for a year at a time. Until he has a real track record of sobriety, I think this is much too risky. The downside of skipping the trip is that your daughter will miss out on the Disneyland trip that her cousins are going on. The possible downside of going on the trip is that she will be exposed to a terrible, nightmarish, scary interpersonal situations and perhaps even physical danger. Even under the best of circumstances, a week away from parents at age 6 is a long, long time, and this is not the best of circumstances.

Disney will still be there when your daughter is bigger. If they ask what to do about her Christmas gift, just say you’ll take a rain check.

This may cause a fight, but I think asking that your father demonstrate a year of sobriety before traveling with your daughter is a pretty minimal requirement.
 
Xantippe said:
I think what I would say is that your parents are not going to be able to take your daughter on trips until your dad has demonstrated that he can be dry and behave himself for a year at a time. Until he has a real track record of sobriety, I think this is much too risky. The downside of skipping the trip is that your daughter will miss out on the Disneyland trip that her cousins are going on. The possible downside of going on the trip is that she will be exposed to a terrible, nightmarish, scary interpersonal situations and perhaps even physical danger. Even under the best of circumstances, a week away from parents at age 6 is a long, long time, and this is not the best of circumstances.
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Everything Xanti said 10x over.

No way would I ever let my child spend an entire week with someone like this. I know tis is your father so you see him differently, but just from what you have laid out (the excuses for drinking, the inability to remain sober, the verbal abusiveness) is MORE than enough to keep your child safe with you.

I’m actually surprised any of your siblings are letting their children go on this trip. Even the teenaged ones. their memory will be “going to Disney with our drunk grandpa.” Not very magical.

Even though you think your daughter will be safe, in the very unlikely event something terrible does happen you will never, ever forgive yourself.
 
Philomed said:

“Even the teenaged ones. their memory will be “going to Disney with our drunk grandpa.””

That sounds like a good plot for an independent dysfunctional family comedy (something along the lines of “Little Miss Sunshine”), but not something you want to experience in real life.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Are we missing something? Why exactly would you consider exposing your daughter to this danger?
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My exact thoughts.

He’s an alcoholic. That doesn’t mean you don’t visit him, that doesn’t mean you don’t love him, it doesn’t even mean that your daughter can’t visit him, but it does mean that you do not leave vulnerable people (or animals, or anything else) in his care.

I would never allow my child to visit or go anywhere with him if I was not going to be present the entire time, medicated or not. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but medication can be stopped very quickly and easily, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I don’t really care how many other adults will be there. This situation is just too big and too volatile to trust your child to anyone else’s care. And yes, I would have this rule in place until my child was 18 and there was nothing I could do anymore.
 
I don’t know if my opinion will help or not but I offer it as a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for over 21 years.

I would never allow my child to go on a trip with an active alcoholic. Your father is an active alcoholic.

I would not shame him and I would not yell or be abusive. I would, if possible, sit down with him when he is sober and look him straight in the eye. I would say:

“Dad, I love you. I understand you are struggling with a disease and I admire you for trying to get sober. I know it is a tough one to fight and you are in my prayers. However, I am a father too. I cannot, in all good conscience, send my child with you on a trip and I cannot afford to go with you. I know you have her best interest at heart and you would never, ever do anything deliberately to hurt her. However, your disease is a killer. You have no control over it. If you were a diabetic and we never knew when you might drop into a diabetic coma I would take the same action. This is about my child and my child being safe. Again, I love you and I know that someday you will beat this thing but for right now I would be an absolute fool to let my child go on a trip with you to the corner store let alone to Disneyland”.

Alcoholics like me and your Dad really are as puzzled by our behavior as the rest of you . We have no intention of drinking again and any reason we try to latch onto as to why we did sounds as ridiculous to us as it does to you…but we cannot explain to you that the way we feel stone cold sober hurts so much that we cannot stand it for too long…and we have to drink again or we go crazy.

That being said, you are the Daddy of this little girl - her protector and her knight in shining armour. Please do not put her in harms way. If anything happened you would never forgive yourself - or him.

Think about it.
 
If you trust your sister, brother in law, mother and 18 yr old niece/nephew to be able to look after your 5 yr old dtr during the trip, then I wouldn’t have a problem with her going with them.

If your Dad doesn’t promise not to drink, or take his meds, I would say that he’s the one who should stay home.
 
polki said:

“If you trust your sister, brother in law, mother and 18 yr old niece/nephew to be able to look after your 5 yr old dtr during the trip, then I wouldn’t have a problem with her going with them.”

That’s almost too many adults, really. It’s easy to forget about one little child when there’s a large group.

Also, there’s the question of where is the kid spending the night. With grandma and grandma, right? And maybe you’d agree beforehand that she would be with the sister and BIL in their room, but wouldn’t grandma feel offended by that and sister and BIL would cave and you’d be hundreds of miles away? Or maybe there wouldn’t be enough space if sister and BIL were in a room with all their kids?

In addition, I don’t think we can really include grandma on the list of 100% responsible adults, as it sounds like her judgment has been warped by decades of life with an alcoholic.

Of course, I wouldn’t send a 6-year-old child with a big group of relatives if I weren’t there to look out for them. She needs a buddy who can be looking out for her, and it sounds like this group will be so busy minding grandpa that she might get lost in the shuffle.
 
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