Dealing with anger

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MarshallJackson

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Sometimes I see people post on things that they sometimes struggle with in here, and reading their posts and the replies tends to help very much with my own struggles. I hope that someone can relate to me when I tell about my anger issues.

Obviously I know that anger is not a good thing. It’s not healthy for me in my faith, mentally, or even physically. I try my best, but when something happens where someone does something ridiculous or unnecessary and I’m there to see it, it sticks with me. Usually I’ll be thinking about that instance the next day, and sometimes even the next week or month. Believe it or not, I’ve had instances where it has even been a year since something has happened, and something will cause me to remember and think about it, and I will almost get just as angry about it as I did when it first happened.

I know that nothing positive or productive comes of this. I know that I shouldn’t be angry, especially not for that length of time, but a lot of times I just can’t help myself. I have tried my hardest to help myself, even stopping and praying for the individual that upset me and praying for peace upon them. But sometimes the instance still comes back in my head, and I get angry again 😦 does anyone have any problems like this? Do you guys have any more tips for overcoming it?
 
I have problems letting go with all kinds of stuff. I suggest talking to a mental health person. Not to say that you are mentally ill, just need some help getting past all of this stuff. Maybe even practice ways in how to respond to future incidents. Like, in my case, I’m learning to speak up when necessary. Not appropriate for all circumstances, but it can help in many.
 
You share a problem that many of us struggle with and I hope you realize that being able to express yourself regarding the issue is a great first step towards conquering it. Depending on what triggers your anger you may or may not be able to do this alone. For example, if the cause came from some childhood abuse seeing a therapist would be very important. But, if the stress of life or certain situations (bad traffic, slow lines at the grocery store, someone saying something stupid) cause it then perhaps you can try some simple techniques people use in these situations. My first choice is always prayer. When you pray for someone you can’t be mad. Smile at the person saying something that angers or hurts you. When the recurring thoughts come in grab your rosary. Try using the tools of your faith and watch how God will help you through this. I’ll say my favorite prayer for you.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.
 
**Hi Marshall,

Just my very humble opinion here. In life, we can choose to react to something or choose not react. Just because we CAN react, or say something, doesn’t mean we HAVE to.

When the thing happens, you have the power in yourself to react, or to let it go. In that moment, you can choose the direction you will go. I might be wrong, but you seem to be automatically choosing anger, like that is your only choice. Take your power back, and YOU choose how you will react.

I am thinking you probably say The Our Father. When you say it, you are asking God " and forgive us our trespasses as WE forgive those who trespass against us".
If you have anger or a grudge or malice, how in reality and honesty can you say that prayer ? You want God to forgive you, but you, the mere mortal, will not forgive ?

People seem to love holding on to hurts or anger. They love to marinate in them, just rolling around in them, holding on for dear life. I guess they feel like if they let go, they might have to move on with their life.

All these angers and hurts just weigh us down, mentally, physically and most definitely spiritually. We CHOOSE to keep them or not. Let them go.

I don’t know about you, but to me being able to say The Our Father is much more important in my life than any hurt or anger is. Be brave enough to just open your fist and let the anger or hurt go. And if it pops back up at you sometime, you just tell it to go away, you’ve already let it go. And take a deep breath and smile, and let God in. Let Him into all those places you used to keep your anger and hurts. He fills those places beautifully.

God Bless**
 
These things are happening at a subconscious level. Our conscious thoughts that we are aware of are like having a flashlight in a municipal park at night. We can only examine a very small part of what all our mind is doing. And I mind is more than just our brain; it’s really our whole body because the central nervous system ties it all together like an Internet.

So when we get angry, we don’t know exactly where the anger comes from or what it goes through. We may think we have let something go, but it still has residual effects in our subconscious that can jump up and start biting somebody. So the approach I recommend is where you shut off that flashlight and just sit in the park without shining it around, and eventually (if you can leave the light off long enough for your eyes to adjust) the soft moonlight will connect you with the whole park, albeit at a more subtle level than having the spotlight, but much more of a “wider” knowing. We will never be able to contain our anger by our conscious will, because the anger is too complicated. We can stifle it, or we can force ourselves not to act out on it, but to actually correct it requires a reprogramming of the subconscious. Your anger is artificial; it’s a software problem and there is a software solution. It is too complicated for most of us, so we can call upon the Divine Therapist, aka the Holy Spirit, to come into our minds and hearts to heal and renew us. Basically you have to go into maintenance mode and quit trying to figure things out, so that the Therapist has access to do the work He needs to do.

Of course, I’m referring to contemplative prayer! One guy in my prayer group had anger so bad he was sitting at a red light and yelling with his windows open, regarding the car in front of him. He was so loud and angry that a cop parked behind him came up and gave him a ticket for disorderly conduct or something like that. Anyway you would never know he ever had an anger problem, for he is the gentlest guy I know, as benefit from the prayer.

Alan
 
Thanks for the answers everyone. I don’t have any past issues with abuse or anything of the sort. My anger relates directly to what is going on at that moment, and I think most of all it is some sort of territorial/self defense reaction. I do know that my grandfathers on both sides struggled with the same sort of temper issue.
One example is of yesterday when I was riding in the car with my dad, pulling in to park at a gas station, and some guy almost ran into us because he was speeding through the parking lot at well over the speed you should be going in such a situation. Well, sure enough, after the guy almost ran into us, he pulled in next to us and got out. He stood in front of our car waiting for my dad to look at him and then raised his hands up in the air as if he were trying to humiliate my dad or something. Now if you know my dad, he is the nicest guy you could ever meet. He is also the most passive person I know. He would never wish ill upon anyone. I can not even tell you the anger I felt towards this guy for pulling a stunt like that. I got out of the car and strutted up and past the guy to show that I was unafraid of his provocative behavior, but I said nothing to him.
You can see how a situation like this can be upsetting, yeah? Well my problem is this happened last night, and here I am today still thinking “I should have said this to him” or “I should have done this”… It’s almost obsessive sometimes, and like I said, the same thing can come up with older situations as well. Obviously it is rather difficult to admit something like this, but I’m sort of at my wits end about it. I don’t WANT to feel angry, and I know I shouldn’t.
 
I think what AlanFromWichita said made quite a bit of sense for me though. I hadn’t ever thought of it that way before, and I think it is the fact that the residual effects of these anger provoking instances stick somewhere in my sub conscience. As I said before, I think something flares up in my brain as a self defense mechanism or perhaps something to do with the fight-or-flight response from past instances. I think if I force myself to stop trying to search for answers to questions such as “Why did he/she do that?” or “What could I have done differently to change the outcome?” may help. Like “turning off the flashlight” as you said. Thanks again for your answers guys 🙂 God bless.
 
Anger is passion. Sex is passion. Passions don’t listen to the brain, and they control emotions.

Someone once said that the only way to defeat sexual desire is to flee. It is the same with the passion of anger, flee. That means to force ourself to focus attention on something else for a few moments. This allows the passions to die a natural death, deprived of fuel.

To argue with a passion is to loose.

Just a thought.​

“Peace I leave, my peace I give. God’s own Spirit will guide you throughout your life.” (hymn)
 
I know how you feel about getting worked up over old insults. I sometimes am almost afraid of myself at how worked up I will get over something that happened a long time ago. I have a hard time letting go of old grudges. It is difficult to deal with.
 
MarshallJackson said:
As I said before, I think something flares up in my brain as a self defense mechanism or perhaps something to do with the fight-or-flight response from past instances.
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Yes, this is how we are all programmed. We are programmed that if we are insulted or inconvenienced or scared or challenged we take it for granted that we will become offended, or frustrated, or frightened, or angry, respectively.

My claim is that this is more nurture than nature in most cases. And I say it is possible to “deprogram” ourselves and cultivate our subconscious so that it looks out for what we ask it to look out for. I know it’s possible because I’ve done it myself – so at least it was possible for me. Whether I can explain it to someone else, I can’t say. Each of us thinks differently, so I can’t say exactly what would work for you.
I think if I force myself to stop trying to search for answers to questions such as “Why did he/she do that?” or “What could I have done differently to change the outcome?” may help. Like “turning off the flashlight” as you said. Thanks again for your answers guys 🙂 God bless.
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Yes, those questions can be dangerous to ask, but they are also ones with information that is valuable to us, in order to improve ourselves and our ability to handle similar situations in the future. So they are useful but they can kill us – spiritually and/or physically.

So I use an engineering approach. I ask the questions not to beat myself up or wish things were different. That is “wishing away my past,” because that was unfruitful for me. Now I can look at it very clinically and professionally, and ask the same questions. Why did this happen, and what would have been acceptable alternative… to seek or even speculate on one or more possibilities, gives us something to do other than just wait for it to happen again because we haven’t learned anything. The past is for learning from and for recognizing past patterns. It is not to be wished away, because we don’t know how to change the past – until we build a time machine. We can change how we view the past, and see errors as “under construction” or even like a baby falling down learning to walk. If you forbid falling down, then you can never teach the baby to walk.

But the optional part is to get upset over them. Once they are in the past – even two seconds in the past since that guy cuts you off in traffic and then flips off your loved ones – they are not subject to revision. Discovery, but not revision. So to get upset about it does nothing to change the situation, any more than pretending it didn’t happen. Learn from the past, but once it happens get over it as it happens by detaching your false self energy centers which fuel the operations of the egoic false self. The three energy centers that feed the false self are inordinate desire for a) power/control, b) affection/esteem, and/or c) security/comfort. We are programmed to lash out like cornered animals when these things are threatened, but they are all imaginary.

Here are example of what I mean by “imaginary.” Danger is real, but fear is imagined. People insulting you is real, but your getting offended is all in the programming of your mind – and the subconscious mind which is widely multitasking and way higher bandwidth than the focused mind, so it takes control immediately. You can use will power once the thing gets set off, but will power will not keep the initial surge from happening. That’s why the subconscious has to be reprogrammed.

To love your enemy, cultivate your enemy. Without an enemy you have no resistance against which to build strength. When they insult you do like Jesus says, “rejoice and be glad,” because great is your reward in heaven.

Alan
 
AlanFromWichita said:
Yes, this is how we are all programmed. We are programmed that if we are insulted or inconvenienced or scared or challenged we take it for granted that we will become offended, or frustrated, or frightened, or angry, respectively.

My claim is that this is more nurture than nature in most cases. And I say it is possible to “deprogram” ourselves and cultivate our subconscious so that it looks out for what we ask it to look out for. I know it’s possible because I’ve done it myself – so at least it was possible for me. Whether I can explain it to someone else, I can’t say. Each of us thinks differently, so I can’t say exactly what would work for you.

Yes, those questions can be dangerous to ask, but they are also ones with information that is valuable to us, in order to improve ourselves and our ability to handle similar situations in the future. So they are useful but they can kill us – spiritually and/or physically.

So I use an engineering approach. I ask the questions not to beat myself up or wish things were different. That is “wishing away my past,” because that was unfruitful for me. Now I can look at it very clinically and professionally, and ask the same questions. Why did this happen, and what would have been acceptable alternative… to seek or even speculate on one or more possibilities, gives us something to do other than just wait for it to happen again because we haven’t learned anything. The past is for learning from and for recognizing past patterns. It is not to be wished away, because we don’t know how to change the past – until we build a time machine. We can change how we view the past, and see errors as “under construction” or even like a baby falling down learning to walk. If you forbid falling down, then you can never teach the baby to walk.

But the optional part is to get upset over them. Once they are in the past – even two seconds in the past since that guy cuts you off in traffic and then flips off your loved ones – they are not subject to revision. Discovery, but not revision. So to get upset about it does nothing to change the situation, any more than pretending it didn’t happen. Learn from the past, but once it happens get over it as it happens by detaching your false self energy centers which fuel the operations of the egoic false self. The three energy centers that feed the false self are inordinate desire for a) power/control, b) affection/esteem, and/or c) security/comfort. We are programmed to lash out like cornered animals when these things are threatened, but they are all imaginary.

Here are example of what I mean by “imaginary.” Danger is real, but fear is imagined. People insulting you is real, but your getting offended is all in the programming of your mind – and the subconscious mind which is widely multitasking and way higher bandwidth than the focused mind, so it takes control immediately. You can use will power once the thing gets set off, but will power will not keep the initial surge from happening. That’s why the subconscious has to be reprogrammed.

To love your enemy, cultivate your enemy. Without an enemy you have no resistance against which to build strength. When they insult you do like Jesus says, “rejoice and be glad,” because great is your reward in heaven.

Alan
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Thanks Alan! That actually makes a lot of sense to me. I think two of the biggest factors in my instance are power/control and security/comfort. It drives me crazy to think that someone decided that they could practice any certain false sense of superiority over me, unless, of course, they have a superior circumstance such as being a teacher or something of that nature. I think the sense of security is a big thing when people like my family or my girlfriend come into the picture. I get that immediate “territorial” feeling when someone who I will not allow to be hurt is being insulted or something of the sort.

I think forgetting it on the spot and having a “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” attitude can help me to stop dwelling on it so much. And of course taking Jesus’ word into account in rejoicing and being glad.
 
OxygenMan said:
I know how you feel about getting worked up over old insults. I sometimes am almost afraid of myself at how worked up I will get over something that happened a long time ago. I have a hard time letting go of old grudges. It is difficult to deal with.
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It’s good to know I’m not the only one. I can’t count how many times I’ve scared myself in the process of my own anger.
 
fred_conty said:
Anger is passion. Sex is passion. Passions don’t listen to the brain, and they control emotions.

Someone once said that the only way to defeat sexual desire is to flee. It is the same with the passion of anger, flee. That means to force ourself to focus attention on something else for a few moments. This allows the passions to die a natural death, deprived of fuel.

To argue with a passion is to loose.

Just a thought.​

“Peace I leave, my peace I give. God’s own Spirit will guide you throughout your life.” (hymn)
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That is a really good point. I think I’ll try to take this into account when I see something that I know is going to bother me.
 
MarshallJackson said:
Sometimes I see people post on things that they sometimes struggle with in here, and reading their posts and the replies tends to help very much with my own struggles. I hope that someone can relate to me when I tell about my anger issues.

Obviously I know that anger is not a good thing. It’s not healthy for me in my faith, mentally, or even physically. I try my best, but when something happens where someone does something ridiculous or unnecessary and I’m there to see it, it sticks with me. Usually I’ll be thinking about that instance the next day, and sometimes even the next week or month. Believe it or not, I’ve had instances where it has even been a year since something has happened, and something will cause me to remember and think about it, and I will almost get just as angry about it as I did when it first happened.

I know that nothing positive or productive comes of this. I know that I shouldn’t be angry, especially not for that length of time, but a lot of times I just can’t help myself. I have tried my hardest to help myself, even stopping and praying for the individual that upset me and praying for peace upon them. But sometimes the instance still comes back in my head, and I get angry again 😦 does anyone have any problems like this? Do you guys have any more tips for overcoming it?
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The first step is to put anger into perspective. When used correctly, anger is a sign that an injustice has occurred.

When you feel angry, you need to ask, “Am I being unjustly treated, in this situation?”

If so, then you need to speak out and correct the injustice.

If not, then is someone else being unjustly treated, and are you the person who has the duty to speak on their behalf? (ie: the person is your child, your student, or in some other way dependent on you?)

Are any of your rights, or the rights of someone who is depending on you, being violated?

If not, then it’s important to let go of the situation, and realize that you are “out of place” to be angry. But if so, then speak up and make it known that you are angry about the situation.
 
My best advise to you is that you be sure to pray zealously and often for the virtues of meekness and humility of heart. And the very moment you begin to feel angry at somebody dismiss your anger; keep dismissing it by offering a prayer of good will for the person, until your anger goes completely away. Pray this prayer for the person: Lord, please grant good things in this life and in the next to _____. And mean it. God bless you.
 
  • JMJ +
The Catholic Church has always taught that those who have inordinate passions (i.e. people whose emotions and desires are “out of whack”) have disordered loves, especially towards themselves. They love themselves too much.

The ideal setup of our loves is loving God above all, and from there all the other loves order themselves. An author compares it to a solar system, where the gravity of the sun keeps the planets in their own orbits.

Using this analogy, one can imagine an inordinate passion, for example an uncontrollable anger, to a planet or moon eclipsing the sun. It is because of one’s excessive love for some thing other than God that that one loses sight of God’s love, and thus the result is the loss of peace and control.

But this analogy suggests a quick way of reordering one’s passions, and that is to get the planet/love out of the way so that God’s love can shone through. This is called detachment. And the thing that we most often have to stop loving to stop anger is *ourselves. *

I am not saying that you can never love yourself again; the Second Greatest Commandment is nonsense if this was so. Rather, we must be able, at the drop of a hat, to stop loving something if that something hinders us from loving God. This is why fasting and abstinence are recommended by the Church for us, to train us in detachment.

But how would you know that you have been successful in detachment? By the presence of peace. The peace of God is the infallible gauge that tells us we are truly loving God, for Scripture says, “Peace to people of good will” (Luke 2:14), and love is nothing but willing the good.
 
It is a fact that I struggle with meekness, so it’s no secret that I need to seek more of a sense of humility. I do try, and when I’m thinking about other people, I can usually think in more of a humble way, but once I get an unjust insult thrown my way or something that I see as unfair towards another person, I start to lose my sense of calm. It runs in my family on both sides as well, so I think that can also be a factor. I am trying to pray and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me in these situations so I can have more of a loving response and less of a hostile one. I’ve found that directing my focus immediately on something else can help as well, because I don’t fall into my loop of thinking about something again and again and getting more angry with every pass. Also doing things such as praying the Rosary and singing the chaplet of divine mercy helps to calm me down and realize my true intentions rather than the blown up emotions. 🙂
 
Anger is a feeling. It means that something is important to you like your faith or justice or truth. When people make untrue statements, we have feelings. The more personal the lie, the more intense our feelings become. Anger is there to tell us something. In itself that is a good thing. I, personally, have struggled with out-of-control anger or letting my feelings of anger dictate how I think and act. I have learned over time with grace to know when and how to safely vent anger, and then turn it over to God. In prayer it is good to examine the root cause of anger. It may be a just anger like Jesus’s turning over the tables. Most time for me it is because of my pride or because I am concerned about what others think of me. This is not just but selfish. In this way I know what virtues to pray for and then practice. And practice and practice. For example, I get angry because I am impatient. So I see that I am impatient because I put my needs before the needs of others. Then the next time I feel impatient, I put out a spiritual reading book or a rosary and pray. The next time I am at the grocery store I choose the longest line and actively practice patience by praying for all the people in front of me. I also have special scriptures or quotes from saint that I use over and over like: Be still and know that I am God, or All is well, and all will be well. or Let nothing disturb you (St Teresa of Avila) Be sure to thank God for giving you situation to practice whatever virtue that you are asking help for. All this I did not learn on my own but through the guidance of a holy priest, Fr. Santan Pinto, SOLT. Thank you God for him and my ability to apply the teaching my life. Please help those who are in need of this help.
 
bcuster said:
Anger is a feeling. It means that something is important to you like your faith or justice or truth. When people make untrue statements, we have feelings. The more personal the lie, the more intense our feelings become. Anger is there to tell us something. In itself that is a good thing. I, personally, have struggled with out-of-control anger or letting my feelings of anger dictate how I think and act. I have learned over time with grace to know when and how to safely vent anger, and then turn it over to God. In prayer it is good to examine the root cause of anger. It may be a just anger like Jesus’s turning over the tables. Most time for me it is because of my pride or because I am concerned about what others think of me. This is not just but selfish. In this way I know what virtues to pray for and then practice. And practice and practice. For example, I get angry because I am impatient. So I see that I am impatient because I put my needs before the needs of others. Then the next time I feel impatient, I put out a spiritual reading book or a rosary and pray. The next time I am at the grocery store I choose the longest line and actively practice patience by praying for all the people in front of me. I also have special scriptures or quotes from saint that I use over and over like: Be still and know that I am God, or All is well, and all will be well. or Let nothing disturb you (St Teresa of Avila) Be sure to thank God for giving you situation to practice whatever virtue that you are asking help for. All this I did not learn on my own but through the guidance of a holy priest, Fr. Santan Pinto, SOLT. Thank you God for him and my ability to apply the teaching my life. Please help those who are in need of this help.
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Those are some very intriguing points. I never really thought of the situations where I become impatient as practice to work on myself. Perhaps if I start opening my eyes and seeing that God is giving me more gifts than I give him account for, my anger won’t overcome me as easily as it has in the past. Thank you for your reply 🙂
 
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