Dealing with condemnation

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So I went to the monastary, and the guestmaster talked to me and concluded I was too old and didn’t desire monastic life as much as I was afraid of being corrupted by the world (which I still am). He told me to listen to my spiritual director and to practice the art of discipline and follow-through with my life and get work and follow through on what my spiritual director has approved of me to do (which has been a huge problem for me). I keep having this fear that I was turned away because I was too worldly and that I am going to be damned or that I am being delivered over to my desires out of judgement. I contacted my spiritual director and he says that the retreat was a success, but when I set to working on my art portfolio I felt like I was being worldly and that all this time, what I wanted was the world and now that’s what I’m being given.
Ever since leaving I have not shaken the feeling that to that Monk, I was an absolute fool. When I say the rosary or ask for michael’s intercession, I get these brief moments of clarity, that these fears aren’t real, but they also aren’t stopping. I was just working on portfolio work and I live streamed the process of drawing it, but I am afraid that I’m falling back into worldliness. I wanted to ask for prayer that I would be delivered from evil, because this has been relentless.
 
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Your creative ability is a gift from God, and it would be a lack of gratitude not to us or develop it.
That isn’t worldliness, its gratitude to God.

Do we consider Mary to be worldly because she cooked and cleaned, did laundry, went to market …etc? No. This life is a gift, and the reality is that, in this gift, we have to deal with practical things.
What Mary did, was to show us the sacredness of everyday life.

Jesus did not come to earth as a glorious spiritual Being, only doing spiritual things.
No, He came as a helpless infant who had to be fed, diaper changed, and so on. He lived and ordinary life, lived in love of the Father, of His family, of others, learning, studying, and doubtless doing chores, helping Joseph in his carpentry etc.

Even in His public life, he still had to spend time eating, toilet, washing, walking tovarious towns over dusty roads, tired, and sometimes in need of solitude … His human emotions were real. He wept over Jerusalem, over His friend Lazarus’ death and the sorrow of His friend’s sisters, he ate with friends, and even with those who were not friends.

Jesus, in doing so, showed us the sanctity of ordinary life well-lived, in love and goodnessas we live in the reality of this world
 
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A prayer I wrote in ‘a handful of wildflowers’

Jesus and ordinary life​

Jesus, God and man, for most of Your life You lived amongst us in unobtrusive labour. Through Your witness, we are encouraged to value the mundane tasks and events that dominate our lives, despite the discouragement that sometimes accompanies them…

Let us not overlook the value and message of the silent gospel of Your years of ‘ordinary’ service, overshadowed as they are by the drama of those last three years. It is surely a powerful silent witness that You, God incarnate, spent thirty years apparently ‘marking time’ in ordinary activity…as helpless infant…as refugee…as child of a poor family…as village tradesman. Thus is the ordinary, unrecognised and unrecorded routine of our daily lives elevated and sanctified while yet in obscurity, when it is lived in accordance with divine will.

In response to Your quiet example and Your inspired Word, we desire grace to live and work lovingly amongst others, obeying Your will as expressed in our vocations and our individual natures. The brief account of Your infancy and childhood emphasises this lesson. Although at twelve You revealed Your unique nature, You returned to humble daily activity.

We observe Your favoured human Mother, in her option to reject or cooperate with divine will for her life. Her acceptance carried with it some treasured secrets, but largely the ordinary life of human motherhood and home duties commonplace in the lives of multitudes of women throughout the centuries. Surely, her faith and hope were frequently tested in remembrance of divine promise in the face of ‘ordinary’ realities. Ultimately, however, her choice led to mental and emotional martyrdom.

continued next post
 
Jesus, along with every human, in the desert You faced the choice to employ or misuse, the life, the gifts, and the trust reposed in You. You could embrace or refuse the alluring, deceptive temptations of the devil—gaudy and dramatic with ambition, sensuality and worldliness. Rejecting these temptations, You remained faithful to the God’s will, despite hardship, disappointment and sorrow.

Following almost thirty years of humble obscurity, You began public ministry, openly teaching and exemplifying the truths of the eternal Father, and fulfilling the covenant. Even as You took up Your divine ministry, You remained loving, obedient, wise and trusting. You accepted the realities of Your humanity, not vicariously, but fully, sacrificing this humanity in the culmination of every human deprivation and suffering. Your entire being became ‘a living wound’. [Isaiah] Following annihilation in Your humanity, You resurrected, to consummate Your defeat of sin and death for humankind.

You are witness that each person must accept divine will in the realities and actualities of our personal existences as we follow You our Way to life. Jesus, grant us to shoulder our daily cross lovingly, cheerfully and creatively, regardless of how arduous or ineffectual our lives may seem to ourselves. Grant us to bear our cross , in ordinary times and in crises, with perseverance, hope and peace, so that You may use us to open heaven to others who live within our influence. Thank You, Jesus, key of our salvation and holiness!
 
Trishi,

Thank you for posting this beautiful and inspiring prayer. It has given me hope for a better life.

Stuart
 
Stuart, that makes me feel happy. I feel awkward posting stuff from my journal sometimes, but apriest once said:’ you wrote what I always thought but couldn’t put into words’, and St Peter said that gifts were to be shared. Sometimes I share something, just in case, as it helped me, maybe there’s someone out there who might conceivably find something I wrote is in some way useful. Or not.

If you had felt conflicted or discouraged anywhere along the lines that Bdonoho does, the thought came to mind to share another perhaps relevant prayer/meditation.

Appreciating others​

Lord God, I honour You for others’ goodness, and for their striving towards You and their true purpose and identity in You.

Yet, help me to share Your compassion, respect and delight in those who seem (to themselves or to others) to reflect Your face poorly. Grant me the gift of conveying to each person, the beautiful, glimpsed vision of self, as You love him or her, a fallible human with entwined faults and virtues.

One sometimes glimpses another’s discouraged self-judgement, for he fears that Your plan of salvation builds upon some unlikely ‘ideal self’. He perhaps hopes that to others, only the good is evident. He fears that were others to sense the extent of his unworthiness, they may reject him—as indeed he fears You may.

Jesus, please extend Your hand to him through those who see his efforts and who have faith in the secret, unique miracle of him. Let him know that You love him as he is, and that You plan his holiness around his actual self . You fulfil Your dream of him and serve others through his flawed personality with its abilities, gifts and virtues, along with its faults and scars. Assure him that his efforts to live the Gospel are more precious because of his temptations and flaws, so that he is encouraged to faith and self-acceptance.

Belived Lord, let me see and share Your beautiful, unique, creative vision of each brother and sister, regardless of ‘apparent’ flaws. In my warm acceptance of him grant to each person that restoring, blossoming fruitfulness of love—which the image of him cherished and accepted as he really is—produces in the most barren and bleak heart.

My brother, my sister “Do not be afraid, you will not be put to shame.” [Isaiah 54:4]
 
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Thank you so much, Trishie. As Im driving home, for the first time in a while I am enjoying the silence, and I will trust God with my self.

Your words really, really hit the nail on the head for my fears. Please don’t hide these words. Also… if you need an illustrator for them, feel free to reach out to me.
 
MuchI thank God that He has helped you Bdonoho.

And thank you for your encouragement and your kind offer.

I’m so glad you have artistic talent, Bdonoho. I hope it gives you much joy and is a blessing for you, and for others. And becomes more so.

It makes me happy to know you’re feeling more peaceful and hopeful.
Please take good care of yourself.

Beloved Lord, please keep Bdonoho always safe in Your Heart in peace, trust, and love in all the challenges of life, including finding work again soon.
 
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Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Prayer to Our Lady of Mental Peace

O Lady of Mental Peace,
Mother of Tranquility
and Mother of Hope,
look upon Bdonoho in this time
of weakness and unrest.

Teach her searching heart
to know that God’s Love
for her is unchanging and
unchangeable, and, that
true human love can only
begin and grow by touching
His Love.

Let your gentle Peace -
which this world cannot give
  • be always with her.
    And, help her to bring this
    same Peace into the lives
    of others.
Our Lady of Mental Peace,
  • Pray for us!
    Amen.
 
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