Dealing with criticism from other Catholics for being Catholic

[embwt]

Over the past several years, I have been coming back to the faith and have come to accept all that His Church teaches. However, my family and some friends (mostly Catholic) seem to treat me as if there is something wrong with me because I actually believe what we, as Catholics, say we believe. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have any advice for how to stay true to the teachings of the Church in this situation?

 

[dhgray]

Over the past several years, I have been coming back to the faith and have come to accept all that His Church teaches. However, my family and some friends (mostly Catholic) seem to treat me as if there is something wrong with me because I actually believe what we, as Catholics, say we believe. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have any advice for how to stay true to the teachings of the Church in this situation?

Start by praising God. Blessed are the persecuted.
You can start by attending RCIA to get a good foundation in the faith. Then teach Religious Education. As far as the family, just hold fast to the truth and be ready to logically answer their objections. If you disagree with their position, just say, “I’ll pray for you.”

 

[gmarie21]

Been there, going through that. The worst (or best) is when family throws your past, confessed sins in your face when they think you’re being judgmental. I am the official crazy person of my family. However, when there is something serious, I’m also usually the first one they turn to to talk to in confidence.

 

[embwt]

Been there, going through that. The worst (or best) is when family throws your past, confessed sins in your face when they think you’re being judgmental. I am the official crazy person of my family. However, when there is something serious, I’m also usually the first one they turn to to talk to in confidence.

I’m waiting for the past sins to get thrown around. Haven’t had that yet. But I am the official crazy person of my family too! Right now, I’m just getting the, “What happened to him?” glances.

 

[geezerbob]

I haven’t been through it with family but my parish has its share of cafeteria types. I avoid them like the plague.

 

[embwt]

I haven’t been through it with family but my parish has its share of cafeteria types. I avoid them like the plague.

I used to be one of those cafeteria types, but I’ve left for the banquet. Friends and family are still at the cafeteria. I can’t necessarily avoid family like the plague.

 

[flatlanderjenn]

A former nun who married and had two children once referred to me (in front of a bunch of non-christians) as her “Catholic friend.”

I said, “but you’re Catholic too.”

She said, “not as Catholic as you.”

 

[embwt]

A former nun who married and had two children once referred to me (in front of a bunch of non-christians) as her “Catholic friend.”

I said, “but you’re Catholic too.”

She said, “not as Catholic as you.”

Interesting. Sounds familiar. So what do you do/say? I feel like I need to “hide” my catholicity from friends/family who are Catholic. Non-Catholic Christians seem to be much more understanding of my being Catholic. It’s the criticism from Catholics I can’t figure out how to handle.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

It is tricky because with non-Catholics, you can just say, “Well, as a Catholic, I believe…” With some Catholics, who have good intentions and are just not well informed, you could say, “Well actually, the Church teaches that ____” and not ruffle feathers. There are other Catholics who are very defensive about their Cafeteria style opinions, and a statement about what the Church teaches might end you up in an argument. That may or may not be the right way to go, depending on the relationship and situation. You certainly don’t want to mislead anyone, Catholics included, about Church teaching, but there is a time and place, and sometimes avoiding the topic is a better course of action, that allows you to preach with your life instead. There are also those who are pretty well informed about Church teaching and just strongly choose to disagree. Those are the most likely to argue with you. I have family members in all 3 groups of Catholics (dh and I are both cradle catholics raised in the horrible 70’s and 80’s). I generally answer the same for all (“well, the church teaches…”), but I tend to not be willing to get into arguments with the argumentative ones. I try to stick with the “my faith is important to me, I hope you’ll respect that, let’s agree to disagree” approach for the most part.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Also, and I’m not saying you’re guilty of this, when I first became “on-fire” for my faith, I was probably a little obnoxious about it. Having just discovered or rediscovered the truth, we are naturally really excited and want to share it with everyone. But sometimes our excitement makes us not realize that we are perhaps coming off as “holier than thou” or even that maybe the people we’re talking to are not ready to agree to everything we do. Frankly, being excited about Jesus, we can get into arguments that frankly lead us to act, not so Christ-like. We have to be careful to not be too “in your face” or agressive or we may just turn off the very people that a patient loving relationship could convert in the long run.

 

[perfectpeach]

My husband and I have experienced this when our third child was born. My husband’s “catholic” family suggested to him to “get his nuts cut.” Sorry for being vulgar, but that is what they said!

Of course, when we explained to them our beliefs… the beliefs of the Catholic Church, they gave us heck about it.

 

[embwt]

Also, and I’m not saying you’re guilty of this, when I first became “on-fire” for my faith, I was probably a little obnoxious about it. Having just discovered or rediscovered the truth, we are naturally really excited and want to share it with everyone. But sometimes our excitement makes us not realize that we are perhaps coming off as “holier than thou” or even that maybe the people we’re talking to are not ready to agree to everything we do. Frankly, being excited about Jesus, we can get into arguments that frankly lead us to act, not so Christ-like. We have to be careful to not be too “in your face” or agressive or we may just turn off the very people that a patient loving relationship could convert in the long run.

Thanks for your replies! Yes, I could see that, and I’ve tried very hard to avoid being obnoxious about it. That’s why I said I feel like I have to “hide” my catholicity. For example, when visiting out of town family, I go to Mass on Sundays. I try to just “sneak away” to Mass. I don’t get in their face and tell them it’s a mortal sin to miss Mass. I just go. That’s when I feel the talking behind my back and the “what’s wrong with him” glances.

It seems to me a lot of the criticism is coming from the possibility that my living the faith is getting in their way of trying to have their cake (be Catholic) and eat it too (not really be Catholic). It’s almost as if my following the faith is tugging at their own conscience and they don’t like it. Perhaps I’m reading into things, I don’t know. But I definitely get the criticism for living the faith.

 

[embwt]

My husband and I have experienced this when our third child was born. My husband’s “catholic” family suggested to him to “get his nuts cut.” Sorry for being vulgar, but that is what they said!

Of course, when we explained to them our beliefs… the beliefs of the Catholic Church, they gave us heck about it.

LOL! I haven’t received that comment yet with only two kids, but I’m ready with my comeback if God blesses us with number 3 . . . “Why would I need to be fixed? As you can see, I’m not broken.”

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

For example, when visiting out of town family, I go to Mass on Sundays. I try to just “sneak away” to Mass. I don’t get in their face and tell them it’s a mortal sin to miss Mass. I just go. That’s when I feel the talking behind my back and the “what’s wrong with him” glances.

In this particular situation, I wouldn’t sneak away, but I wouldn’t be preachy about it. I would just casually mention that I was going to Mass in the same way I’d mention if I was going to Walmart. I might even ask if anyone wanted to go with me (much like I’d offer if I was going to Walmart), and then leave it at that.

If someone asked me why I was going, I’d start out with a simple comment, “well I always go to Mass on Sunday.” If they asked further why, I’d say, “2 reasons - one, because I like going, and two, because the Church tells me I’m supposed to go.” But I wouldn’t say that unless asked, so that I wouldn’t be accused of being a jerk about it.

If someone still pressed the issue and said, “I don’t believe you really have to do that.” then you make a decision on the spot. You can say, “Oh, ok, see you later then.” or you could say, "Well, actually it says in the Catechism that that is one of the things Catholics are required to do. It’s actually called a “precept of the Church.” If the person becomes defensive, you can always come back to, “I’m not judging you for not going. You asked me why I go, and that’s the reason.”

Again, I wouldn’t go there unless I’m led there, but if a person continues the conversation past the initial statement that you’re going, it’s because they either want to get in a fight with you (in which case you choose the avoidance route) or because something inside them isn’t settled about this, and they need to know more (in which case, you can answer their questions honestly, being sure that you don’t cross over into telling them what to do or how they’ll be punished if they don’t). The beauty of the faith is that we really are not capable of judging a person’s soul, or where they will spend eternity. So you can honestly say, “I’m just telling you what the Church teaches, I’m not judging you.”

 

[surfinpure]

Over the past several years, I have been coming back to the faith and have come to accept all that His Church teaches. However, my family and some friends (mostly Catholic) seem to treat me as if there is something wrong with me because I actually believe what we, as Catholics, say we believe. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have any advice for how to stay true to the teachings of the Church in this situation?

Yes, I experienced this with what I at first considered my “Catholic” family, and now consider my “Cafeteria Catholic” family. The reason is simple. They view any orthodoxy on your part as an indictment against them for refusing to give 100% of themselves to God. They’re afraid you’re sitting in judgment over them, or that you think you’re morally superior to them. It never even occurs to them, perhaps, that you’re likely to be the one praying directly for their souls more than anyone else on earth.

It is an uncomfortable situation, but one you will grow accustomed to and learn to handle with grace, if that is what you aim to do. As for staying true to the teachings of the Church … well … just stay true to the teachings of the Church! When they tell you, “The Church doesn’t really mean this teaching the way it’s interpreted,” go straight to the source – Catechism, Church Fathers, apologetical works, etc. – and find out. You’ll soon discover that these are the people who, inadvertently, are going to sharpen your knowledge of the faith tremendously! As you grow in concern for their complacent lifestyles, you will study and learn truth and holiness, so that you can be a light in the darkness to these souls.

God bless,

mary

 

[Alese]

So glad to stumble upon this post. I am in the same situation. This weekend I sat with my jaw dropped as a Catholic girlfriend (we became friends recently) described the priest at her parish as very “liberal” and “cool.” She talked about how he doesn’t agree with everything the church teaches and that’s why she loves her parish so much. I just was at a loss for words. I also think maybe she’s just hearing what she wants to hear. Of course, she also talked about how she’s against abortion but would never tell another woman not to have one. Again, I was at a loss. I know I should have spoken up but I didn’t.

 

[embwt]

In this particular situation, I wouldn’t sneak away, but I wouldn’t be preachy about it. I would just casually mention that I was going to Mass in the same way I’d mention if I was going to Walmart. I might even ask if anyone wanted to go with me (much like I’d offer if I was going to Walmart), and then leave it at that.

If someone asked me why I was going, I’d start out with a simple comment, “well I always go to Mass on Sunday.” If they asked further why, I’d say, “2 reasons - one, because I like going, and two, because the Church tells me I’m supposed to go.” But I wouldn’t say that unless asked, so that I wouldn’t be accused of being a jerk about it.

If someone still pressed the issue and said, “I don’t believe you really have to do that.” then you make a decision on the spot. You can say, “Oh, ok, see you later then.” or you could say, "Well, actually it says in the Catechism that that is one of the things Catholics are required to do. It’s actually called a “precept of the Church.” If the person becomes defensive, you can always come back to, “I’m not judging you for not going. You asked me why I go, and that’s the reason.”

Again, I wouldn’t go there unless I’m led there, but if a person continues the conversation past the initial statement that you’re going, it’s because they either want to get in a fight with you (in which case you choose the avoidance route) or because something inside them isn’t settled about this, and they need to know more (in which case, you can answer their questions honestly, being sure that you don’t cross over into telling them what to do or how they’ll be punished if they don’t). The beauty of the faith is that we really are not capable of judging a person’s soul, or where they will spend eternity. So you can honestly say, “I’m just telling you what the Church teaches, I’m not judging you.”

Thanks for the advice! I pretty much do as you suggested. What I termed as “sneaking away” was really more of “going without preaching.” As I said, I’m trying very hard not to be obnoxious, which makes me feel like I’m “hiding.” But I truly appreciate your help here. I will definitely keep your thoughts in mind. I was worried that my answering their questions would be “offensive” to them. I worry that would be me being “obnoxious.” I often wonder if God sent me to a cafeteria Cathlic family to be a light in the darkness or to teach me patience. Perhaps both. Anyway, thanks, and God bless!

 

[embwt]

Yes, I experienced this with what I at first considered my “Catholic” family, and now consider my “Cafeteria Catholic” family. The reason is simple. They view any orthodoxy on your part as an indictment against them for refusing to give 100% of themselves to God. They’re afraid you’re sitting in judgment over them, or that you think you’re morally superior to them. It never even occurs to them, perhaps, that you’re likely to be the one praying directly for their souls more than anyone else on earth.

It is an uncomfortable situation, but one you will grow accustomed to and learn to handle with grace, if that is what you aim to do. As for staying true to the teachings of the Church … well … just stay true to the teachings of the Church! When they tell you, “The Church doesn’t really mean this teaching the way it’s interpreted,” go straight to the source – Catechism, Church Fathers, apologetical works, etc. – and find out. You’ll soon discover that these are the people who, inadvertently, are going to sharpen your knowledge of the faith tremendously! As you grow in concern for their complacent lifestyles, you will study and learn truth and holiness, so that you can be a light in the darkness to these souls.

God bless,

mary

Mary,

You are so right on all your points!! “Growing accustomed to it with grace.” I like that! Thanks! I know I have to embrace the cross, I guess I’m just looking for encouragment, which is what I’m getting from this post. Thanks! Over these past several years, my faith and knowledge of the faith has grown, probably in many cases because of them. So I guess maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be! Maybe I just need to embrace the criticism and use it to grow in holiness.

 

[embwt]

So glad to stumble upon this post. I am in the same situation. This weekend I sat with my jaw dropped as a Catholic girlfriend (we became friends recently) described the priest at her parish as very “liberal” and “cool.” She talked about how he doesn’t agree with everything the church teaches and that’s why she loves her parish so much. I just was at a loss for words. I also think maybe she’s just hearing what she wants to hear. Of course, she also talked about how she’s against abortion but would never tell another woman not to have one. Again, I was at a loss. I know I should have spoken up but I didn’t.

Yes, I think that’s the trend I’m finding . . . people want to affirm themselves by finding others who don’t want to accept truth. Hence, your girlfriend finding the priest who doesn’t agree with Church teaching “cool.” Perhaps she just doesn’t completely know or understand what Church teaching is. I was once there. I “didn’t agree” with this or with that. But in time, I’ve come to learn how I was wrong. I now embrace the whole truth (hence the name embwt).

However, I thought my coming around to the fullness of truth would be embraced with a “welcome home” (as it is here on CAF). In reality, it’s been met with criticism from other Catholics. I think that’s where I’m troubled. I feel like shouting, “I’m finally home!!” But nobody (except here on CAF) wants to here it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

However, I thought my coming around to the fullness of truth would be embraced with a “welcome home” (as it is here on CAF). In reality, it’s been met with criticism from other Catholics. I think that’s where I’m troubled. I feel like shouting, “I’m finally home!!” But nobody (except here on CAF) wants to here it.

**
What a great way of putting it:thumbsup:.

I am a convert so none of my extended family is Catholic (or even religious) so I can at least understand why what I believe is such a foreign concept to them. But when the criticism comes from other Catholics it is so disheartening. Thank God for CAF!!!**