Dealing With Deception

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scameter18

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I live around many people who tend to use deception, in many forms, to get what they want. For instance, they will try to use guilt to make me feel bad for something I didn’t do, or they will hurry to do something specifically so that they’ll have it and I won’t, or they’ll subtly say things that are critical of me, but are vague enough that if I called them on it, they could just say they weren’t saying that and make me feel guilty. How do you deal with someone who is deceptive in this way?
 
You can only be manipulated by choice. What I mean by that is it seems from your brief explanation that others around you are successful at making you feel guilty. If it is a tactic they’ve used successfully in the past, chances are they will likely use it again.

I’ve found that when people are attempting to manipulate me, what works best for me is to address such behavior directly and immediately. It might be helpful to give a couple of specific examples and I can tell you how I’d respond. Other ways of dealing with such behavior is to simply ignore it and change the subject. Examples that come to mind are scarlet O’Hare in Gone with the Wind: “I don’t want to think about that right now” or Daniel Plainview in There will be Blook “I don’t like to talk about that”.

If the people who you associate with get the message that such manipulative efforts are a waste of their time i.e. they aren’t getting the response they expect or want, they eventually give up.
 
Well, the problem is is most of the people who try to deceive me are apart of my family, so I can’t really offend them, especially family members older than me. That’s the biggest problem, because it does not allow me to respond to their deception openly. I have to just take it, and that’s very difficult for me, especially over continuous times of them doing it to me. It gets rather old in a sense. 😛 For an example of this deception, as you requested: if one of my family members, I’d rather not say specifically what family member they are, is making dinner. They will ask what we want, and then they’ll cook it. When we eat it, they’ll say is it good, and we’ll say yes. But they’ll say, well if it’s not any good I understand, I know I’m a terrible cook. And naturally we’ll reassure them that they are a good cook, but then they’ll act hurt. Especially if we don’t finish all of our food or don’t want one of the dishes they cooked. What would I do in this sort of situation?
 
Since this seems to be something you’ll be dealing with for a while, I recommend The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, by Suzette Haden Elgin.
My blog: Paths of Love
 
scameter18 said:
Well, the problem is is most of the people who try to deceive me are apart of my family, so I can’t really offend them, especially family members older than me. That’s the biggest problem, because it does not allow me to respond to their deception openly. I have to just take it, and that’s very difficult for me, especially over continuous times of them doing it to me. It gets rather old in a sense. 😛 For an example of this deception, as you requested: if one of my family members, I’d rather not say specifically what family member they are, is making dinner. They will ask what we want, and then they’ll cook it. When we eat it, they’ll say is it good, and we’ll say yes. But they’ll say, well if it’s not any good I understand, I know I’m a terrible cook. And naturally we’ll reassure them that they are a good cook, but then they’ll act hurt. Especially if we don’t finish all of our food or don’t want one of the dishes they cooked. What would I do in this sort of situation?
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I don’t think your is a matter of deception, rather that of manipulation. Some people want to play the martyr or are just looking for attention. Say that you like it, rather than “it’s good”, and leave it at that. If you don’t like it, or don’t finish it, say that you’re not in the mood for whichever dish or aren’t very hungry and leave it at that. Sometimes a broken record technique works well. Repeat the same thing until it sinks in:

“Didn’t you like the (whatever)”
“I liked it, I’m not just not very hungry”
“Well you didn’t eat very much”
“I liked it, I’m not very hungry tonight”
“I guess I must not be a very good cook…”
“It was good, but I’m not hungry tonight”
etc.

BTW, if you were asked what you want cooked for dinner, why would you not want one of the dishes that they cooked? (or is the person in question not a very good cook?)
 
Well that’s the thing, they do cook good, and I enjoy their food, but they say things like “is it terrible” or “did you not like it”, even if I enjoyed it, ate all of it and told them I did. That same mentality is used in very similar situations all the time by them, and it gets very old. I’ve tried using the “broken record” technique, but they just either ignore what I say, or act like I’m just telling them what they want to hear.
 
I have a MIL that does the “Oh this is terrible”…it’s watery, it’s overcooked, it’s under cooked, she usually finds something wrong with her own cooking (and the same, to a lessor extent, when we go out to eat). After 25 years, my automatic response has become, “Yeah, this ham is (whatever she says about it), but I’m going to eat it anyway because I like it.”

It’s become inside family joke, when we try to stifle a smile or smirk and kick each other under the table when she starts to say how bad the food is. My kids have heard her do this their entire lives, and instead of it bothering them, they get a kick out of it. Of course, they don’t live with her and don’t have to hear it everyday.

We also lived with them for about 9 months and I endured the morning “Litany of the Food”. At that time, I usually ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, day in and day out. However, MIL, bless her heart, would go down some sort of mental food list of anywhere from 10-15 breakfast items “Would you like some eggs? How about some toast? Bacon? etc.” EVRY morning. I always ate cold cereal, but the ritual was the same:

“Would you like (item 1)?” “No thanks, I’ve got cereal”
“How about some (item 2)?” “No, thanks”
Etc, etc.

I guess the best advice I can give is to say that you cannot control how another person feels, speaks or acts, only that you can control your response i.e. if you allow yourself to be manipulated. It’s difficult, especially when you want to be respectful to your elders, and they still want to play their little childish manipulation games. Rise above it. Offer it up as a sacrifice to the Lord; “Lord, I’ll endure this for whatever purpose you have for me”.

And sometimes it’s not malevolent manipulation, it can be the need for attention or some other psycological need that’s not being met.

Patience with others when they are being “trying” is a virtue. Easy to say, difficult to live.

I’ll pray for you, bro. 👍
 
Thanks alot. I’m really coming to realize what you’re talking about, that people have their own decisions and that I shouldn’t blame myself for their wrong choices, even if they try to make me feel guilty for them. I should make sure I’m right with God, and if I am, that is the most important thing. Thanks again. 🙂
 
Beat them at their own game;) provided you do no harm to them in doing so. If they are a part of your family play a joke on them.

On a serious note just be aware of it, like other’s have posted look into those books or even free material on the web and just don’t tolerate it anymore if it is really bothering you.

I’ve been deceived countless times a lot of it being terribly hurtful so I know the feeling. At the same time it makes you more aware of what people can do if you trust them too much too soon.
 
That’s true, though it seems that people, especially family members, are often very good at doing enough to bother you with manipulation, but not so much, so that if you do say something to them about it even subtly, they can act like you’re being mean to them. They’re very clever with it. 😃
 
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