Dealing with derisive/dismissive friends and family

[casslean]

Looking for some suggestions on how to deal with this (sorry for the length)…

I am joining the Church through RCIA and will be Baptised at Easter. This is a fairly big step for me. Although I’ve attended Mass for nearly nine years, I’d put off ever becoming more fully committed due to the attitudes of my friends and family. My family is not religious, and many of my friends, although they may have been raised in various religions, have rejected them (as is very common among young professionals of my generation, sadly).

This year, however, I felt that God was really calling me to be closer to Him, and so I’ve finally taken the plunge, so to speak (or at least, I will ) This has been a wonderful journey. The RCIA program I attend is excellent, led by a supportive and encouraging priest and supported by outstanding lay members of our parish. The parish has welcomed me with open arms.

The difficulty is still dealing with the attitude of my friends. When they aren’t being outrightly derisive of the Church, they are simply dismissive in the way they speak about it. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I participated in the Rite of Acceptance. I told one friend later that day about this ceremony, and her response was “Oh. And was it a nice religion-thing?”

I don’t expect them to embrace the Catholic Church the way I have, but I also don’t think I’m wrong in being a little bit hurt and insulted - when she said those words, it was like she was talking to a child about having tea with my imaginary friends.

These are normally lovely people, but they see a lack or rejection of religion as a sign of “sophistication” - given my education and training, I think my decision confuses them, but instead of talking to me, this is their response. Is there some way I could approach these people and gently let them know that I find that attitude hurtful?

 

[captainrick]

Looking for some suggestions on how to deal with this (sorry for the length)…

I am joining the Church through RCIA and will be Baptised at Easter. This is a fairly big step for me. Although I’ve attended Mass for nearly nine years, I’d put off ever becoming more fully committed due to the attitudes of my friends and family. My family is not religious, and many of my friends, although they may have been raised in various religions, have rejected them (as is very common among young professionals of my generation, sadly).

This year, however, I felt that God was really calling me to be closer to Him, and so I’ve finally taken the plunge, so to speak (or at least, I will ) This has been a wonderful journey. The RCIA program I attend is excellent, led by a supportive and encouraging priest and supported by outstanding lay members of our parish. The parish has welcomed me with open arms.

The difficulty is still dealing with the attitude of my friends. When they aren’t being outrightly derisive of the Church, they are simply dismissive in the way they speak about it. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I participated in the Rite of Acceptance. I told one friend later that day about this ceremony, and her response was “Oh. And was it a nice religion-thing?”

I don’t expect them to embrace the Catholic Church the way I have, but I also don’t think I’m wrong in being a little bit hurt and insulted - when she said those words, it was like she was talking to a child about having tea with my imaginary friends.

These are normally lovely people, but they see a lack or rejection of religion as a sign of “sophistication” - given my education and training, I think my decision confuses them, but instead of talking to me, this is their response. Is there some way I could approach these people and gently let them know that I find that attitude hurtful?

They are immature. Try to ignore them, and stop mentioning religion to them.

 

[bisco]

you will need to begin to make new friends at your parish, who will be supportive and whom you can support in your daily walk with Christ. remember His words, ‘when people reject you, they reject me’. and, ‘blessed are you, when you are criticized for my sake.’ continue to work hard at your job and be an example to them of love and goodness. who knows, the Lord may work through you to bring one or more of them to Him. count all the slurs and put downs as blessings from God, for you will be rewarded in heaven. God bless!

 

[tawny]

Pray for them. Pray to the Holy Spirit to give them guidance & direction to the the Catholic Church. Praying for your intentions.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

These are normally lovely people, but they see a lack or rejection of religion as a sign of “sophistication” - given my education and training, I think my decision confuses them, but instead of talking to me, this is their response. Is there some way I could approach these people and gently let them know that I find that attitude hurtful?

This is a very common attitude among secular people, and you better get used to it. Their tolerance and openness rarely includes religion. It is very hurtful - I have been dealing with it for 20 years since I converted. If you feel insulted then say so. Be open - say their tone is hurtful. I normally don’t talk about my faith to non-believers, but the truth is if we are friends with people we should feel free to mention what we are engaged in without the fear of being hurt. It’s not like you are dragging them to church with you. So in the end one starts wondering about these friendships and whether they will survive the conversion process. It is sad when friendships end, but it is a two way street and if people will be hurtful and disrespectful you are entitled to distance yourself. Jesus did warn us that will we pay the price for being his followers, and I think most converts experience rejection of a number of people.

 

[ClearWater]

Looking for some suggestions on how to deal with this (sorry for the length)…

I am joining the Church through RCIA and will be Baptised at Easter. This is a fairly big step for me. Although I’ve attended Mass for nearly nine years, I’d put off ever becoming more fully committed due to the attitudes of my friends and family. My family is not religious, and many of my friends, although they may have been raised in various religions, have rejected them (as is very common among young professionals of my generation, sadly).

This year, however, I felt that God was really calling me to be closer to Him, and so I’ve finally taken the plunge, so to speak (or at least, I will ) This has been a wonderful journey. The RCIA program I attend is excellent, led by a supportive and encouraging priest and supported by outstanding lay members of our parish. The parish has welcomed me with open arms.

The difficulty is still dealing with the attitude of my friends. When they aren’t being outrightly derisive of the Church, they are simply dismissive in the way they speak about it. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I participated in the Rite of Acceptance. I told one friend later that day about this ceremony, and her response was “Oh. And was it a nice religion-thing?”

I don’t expect them to embrace the Catholic Church the way I have, but I also don’t think I’m wrong in being a little bit hurt and insulted - when she said those words, it was like she was talking to a child about having tea with my imaginary friends.

These are normally lovely people, but they see a lack or rejection of religion as a sign of “sophistication” - given my education and training, I think my decision confuses them, but instead of talking to me, this is their response. Is there some way I could approach these people and gently let them know that I find that attitude hurtful?

I would try, insofar as possible, not to mention religion to them, because I know it would not be well received, instead try to talk about it with people who are open and supportive to the idea.

If you try mentioning religion, and it falls flat, maybe next time talk about something neutral, like the weather, and save conversations about your faith for those who honestly and truly care. Otherwise, it will cause discomfort for them, heartache for you, and nobody will be happy.

A friend of mine used to like getting into talking about politics. At the time, it was important to him, and he’d often disagree with others. There was a family member of his who finally called a truce, saying something like, “I know how you feel. You know how I feel. So, let’s go back to talking about Butch Burgers”.

If the topic comes up, anyway, there are a range of ways to handle it. One can use humor. “Is it that a religion…thing?” “Yup…most certainly is!” (agreeing sometimes takes the wind out of people’s sails, since their arguments are geared to the fact you’ll be tempted to resist, disagree. Agreeing can even be disarming).

There is the approach one could use “I” statements and say, “I feel hurt when you say…x”, focusing on the word “I” rather than “you”.

If they bring up the topic of religion, first, as a put down…Is that pope…x, y, and z…

Your responding, ignoring this, as if it was never said…“Nice weather we’re having”.

Change the subject to something neutral.

Especially in groups, you can just agree to disagree, call a truce, agree not to talk about religion. Then, when it comes up, you remind them, “Remember…we agreed we wouldn’t discuss religion”.

My brother, when our family would start heating up ready to argue would say something like, “It’d probably be best that we avoid talking about…x…politics, religion…whatever…since we want to have a nice time”.

You can leave the room. “Religion…or Catholicism is x”. “Would you excuse me…I need to go to the ladies’ room”.

Group dynamics thrive on being like the group. If you are the odd one out, it can be a little rough.

I have a couple of people in my family who I can’t even be in contact with, because we fight. Things said in the past have gotten ugly, things said like, “…and about the child molestation really gave the Church a black eye. Those priests really should have been defrocked”.

I have a sister-in-law who has called the Church some really nasty names.

There are some family members, or friends, that I clash so badly with that I actually find it easier to avoid them altogether…not e-mail, write, call, or visit, since things just spin out of control.

I asked my mother how she handles that. She says she doesn’t talk about religion with them, and as a result, they get along quite well with more people that way.

It depends on the degree of abuse involved how I handle it. As I say, there’s a range. With some, humor will work. With others a truce is helpful, but with some, cutoff and avoidance is the way to go, in my opinion.

 

[schaeffer]

Who starts these discussions?

Are they seeking opportunities to insult your faith?

Is it possible they are dismissive or patronizing because they have no understanding?

I know that sometimes when someone comes to me with excitement over an event that I have no interest or knowledge about I am dismissive or unimpressed…simply because I don’t understand it, or can’t fathom how someone could be that excited over it. I dont’ mean to insult them, but neither can I understand how to show enthusiasm for something that seems empty or silly to me.

I have found that generally speaking to people outside the “believers” on a subject is fruitless. This pertains to things as near and dear as religious beliefs, to things as mundane as sports fandom or people devoted to a particular tv show. Or kids. People start rolling eyes, blanking out and trying to change the subject when new parents go on and on about details of their kids private lives. They just dont care, don’t get it and don’t share the enthusiasm.

I have found it more satisfying and fruitful to discuss my faith with people who share it rather than people of differing faiths or no faith.

 

[casslean]

Who starts these discussions?

Are they seeking opportunities to insult your faith?

Is it possible they are dismissive or patronizing because they have no understanding?

They aren’t really “discussions”. It is just when something comes up in the casual conversation because this is something currently going on in my life.

In the previous example I gave, the friend commented that I seemed tired that day. I answered that I had found it difficult to fall asleep the night before and had needed to get up early for Mass, because the Rite of Accpetance was being held that day.

Other times, the issue has arisen when we are trying to schedule something, and I’ll say “Oh, I can’t make it on X night because I have an RCIA class.”

It is fairly well known that these friends and I were on different ends of the spectrum ideologically before I made this decision (part of the reason I felt drawn to the Catholic Church was because it supported values that I have been criticized for holding for much of my life, such as being pro-life), so we tend not to engage in ideological discussions to avoid having hurt feelings all around. It just seems that even mentioning my decision to join the Church sets off a sort of passive-aggressive criticism, but neglecting to even casually mention what is currently a rather important part of my life to people I consider close friends feels a little… disingenuous, maybe? Like I’m ashamed of this choice (which I’m not) or trying to be sneaky or secretive (which I’m not).