Dealing with difficult family members

[monica_fan]

It seems like many of us have problems with difficult people in our families. I thought it would be helpful to start a thread about how we as Christians should deal with these difficult people. What does Scripture tell us to do. Maybe you have some quotes from Catholic books, Saints, Catechisms, magazines, websites etc. that can help. I would like to understand how we as Christians are supposed to love unconditionally when difficult family members make it so very hard.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Love does not mean subjecting ourselves to abusive harm.

“Perfect love casts out fear.” Therefore, the “love” we experience from abusive people in our lives is simply not something we are called to submit to. It’s not love anyway.

As wives, we submit to our husbands who in turn, submit to Christ’s Church. Will the Church ever expect the husband to follow Her in any immoral practice? No. (The Church is incapable of being wrong in faith and morals.) Should wives submit to anything immoral from their husbands? No.

Love does not require us to be within striking distance of an abuser. I love my in-laws with Christian love. Do I like them? No. I don’t like the way they treat me or my husband.

So, I choose to love them from a distance. Our Catholic therapist pointed out that we DO HARM TO THEM by continuing to allow ourselves to be present for them to abuse us. We STOP the cycle by not being around them and not enabling them to treat us with such venom. They may choose to treat other people that way, but we instead remove ourselves from being an occasion of sin for them. It’s painful, they think we are very cruel to do so, etc.

Just because we’re blood-related to someone does not give them open-access to hurt and assault our spirit.

My husband’s parents often say, “But I’m your MOTHER! I’m your FATHER! We are your family! You need to put these issues under the rug and forget them!”

And my husband says, “No, you are my family of origin. Abby is my family of choice. We are one flesh in the eyes of God and I will not let you separate us.” They honestly believe they have every right to treat us poorly and we should just ignore it by default since Paul is their son and they “deserve” access to him.

Of course, they roll their eyes and scream about how we’re “brainwashed, militant Catholics,” etc but…whatever.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I like the image of treating “enemies” with love as heaping burning coals on their heads. My attitude is that you come, you treat them kindly and graciously, and you refuse to let your anger at being mistreated lead you to strike back. I have had amazing results with this. When they realize that they aren’t going to get a rise out of you, but just a chuckle and a refusal to bite, they often quit. There is no feeling of having power over you, so it stops being attractive.

If it gets abusive, though, you say, “You know, this isn’t working for anyone. We’ve let you know that that kind of treatment isn’t acceptable, and you still feel a need to keep it up. I think we need to go, before we ruin the day with some real ugliness. Maybe we can make it work on another day. Kids, get your coats. 'Bye Mom, 'Bye Dad, have a Merry Christmas. We’ll talk to you later, I’m sure, when everyone has had a chance to think a little.” If your parents protest that they’ll be stuck with a bunch of food, reply, “I’ll be happy to pay for the groceries, if you want, but we really need to go.” And then leave. (Obviously, you should alert the kids that this might happen: we’re going to go and be as gracious as we can, but if we need to leave, we need to leave right away and no guff. If you miss out on presents, we’ll have to work that out later.)

Repeat every holiday you’re invited to their home, as necessary. (Be sure you have some festive food in the refrigerator at home, because you’re likely to need it.)

Do NOT have a holiday dinner in your own home until you feel that they will behave themselves. It is far easier to remove yourself from a bad situation than to kick a bad situation out from under your own roof.

But I don’t know your in-laws, and I don’t know you. You need to be honest about what your own inner resources are. Don’t feel guilty for doing your best, instead of what anybody else tells you your best should be.

 

[sparkle]

monica fan:

It seems like many of us have problems with difficult people in our families. I thought it would be helpful to start a thread about how we as Christians should deal with these difficult people. What does Scripture tell us to do. Maybe you have some quotes from Catholic books, Saints, Catechisms, magazines, websites etc. that can help. I would like to understand how we as Christians are supposed to love unconditionally when difficult family members make it so very hard.

Great thread!

I think in all things, prayer is the answer. Love, charity as best we can, with God’s strength. BUT, as previously mentioned, Love does not mean subjecting ourselves or our families to abusive harm.

Excellent Post~~

God Bless~~

 

[monica_fan]

Like you, we are at a stalemate in our relationship. When my son and his wife lived nearby we would try to look beyond her hatefulness and love her for who she was. Not growing up with much love, it only confused her and left her feeling out of control. She found a grad school to go to and moved as far away from us as they could get and still be in the states. At this time, all I can do is leave them in God’s very capable Hands and trust that He will find a way to soften their hearts. I try hard not to let any bitterness take hold of my own heart, in the meantime, and hang on to the hope that someday my prayers will be answered. I’m learning patience and how to persevere in prayer. I can’t change them, only God can. I ask God to show me where I need to change and work on that instead.
God bless~

Princess_Abby:

So, I choose to love them from a distance. Our Catholic therapist pointed out that we DO HARM TO THEM by continuing to allow ourselves to be present for them to abuse us. We STOP the cycle by not being around them and not enabling them to treat us with such venom. They may choose to treat other people that way, but we instead remove ourselves from being an occasion of sin for them. It’s painful, they think we are very cruel to do so, etc.

Just because we’re blood-related to someone does not give them open-access to hurt and assault our spirit.

My husband’s parents often say, “But I’m your MOTHER! I’m your FATHER! We are your family! You need to put these issues under the rug and forget them!”

And my husband says, “No, you are my family of origin. Abby is my family of choice. We are one flesh in the eyes of God and I will not let you separate us.” They honestly believe they have every right to treat us poorly and we should just ignore it by default since Paul is their son and they “deserve” access to him.

Of course, they roll their eyes and scream about how we’re “brainwashed, militant Catholics,” etc but…whatever.

 

[monica_fan]

Hello Oregon,
Great to get your (name removed by moderator)ut. What happens when a person rejects your love? I have always tried to go by 1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

I’ve been disappointed to find out that my love did fail and I wasn’t able to reach my daughter in law. Am I wrong to think that my love failed because I am human and it hasn’t been perfected, That I should think of this as God’s love never fails? That in His time, and with many prayers, His love can eventually reach her?
In other words, what do you do if, because of free will, a person choses to reject God’s love? The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is that you have to back off and leave it in God’s hands and wait for Him to work.

BLB_Oregon:

I like the image of treating “enemies” with love as heaping burning coals on their heads. My attitude is that you come, you treat them kindly and graciously, and you refuse to let your anger at being mistreated lead you to strike back. I have had amazing results with this. When they realize that they aren’t going to get a rise out of you, but just a chuckle and a refusal to bite, they often quit. There is no feeling of having power over you, so it stops being attractive.

If it gets abusive, though, you say, “You know, this isn’t working for anyone. We’ve let you know that that kind of treatment isn’t acceptable, and you still feel a need to keep it up. I think we need to go, before we ruin the day with some real ugliness. Maybe we can make it work on another day. Kids, get your coats. 'Bye Mom, 'Bye Dad, have a Merry Christmas. We’ll talk to you later, I’m sure, when everyone has had a chance to think a little.” If your parents protest that they’ll be stuck with a bunch of food, reply, “I’ll be happy to pay for the groceries, if you want, but we really need to go.” And then leave. (Obviously, you should alert the kids that this might happen: we’re going to go and be as gracious as we can, but if we need to leave, we need to leave right away and no guff. If you miss out on presents, we’ll have to work that out later.)

Repeat every holiday you’re invited to their home, as necessary. (Be sure you have some festive food in the refrigerator at home, because you’re likely to need it.)

Do NOT have a holiday dinner in your own home until you feel that they will behave themselves. It is far easier to remove yourself from a bad situation than to kick a bad situation out from under your own roof.

But I don’t know your in-laws, and I don’t know you. You need to be honest about what your own inner resources are. Don’t feel guilty for doing your best, instead of what anybody else tells you your best should be.

 

[WhiteDove]

Fortunately, we live in a vast country and can move far, far away from our toxic families, and screen all our calls with an answering machine.

 

[mercygate]

Sometimes the most “love” you can “do” is to know that a person is so damaging that you need not to let him hurt you.

I speak particularly of alcoholics and drug abusers who refuse to deal with their illness, and who hold the rest of their families hostage to their volatility and tantrums, while charging them with hypocrisy because they do not exhibit the Christian love they profess.
These people are masters of the no-win situation, and masters of making you the bad guy. Sometimes you have to let them experience THEIR side of the no-win: If they will not do what it takes to render themselves clean and sober for 4 hours, then they can’t come to your party.

 

[Princess_Abby]

mercygate:

Sometimes the most “love” you can “do” is to know that a person is so damaging that you need not to let him hurt you.

I speak particularly of alcoholics and drug abusers who refuse to deal with their illness, and who hold the rest of their families hostage to their volatility and tantrums, while charging them with hypocrisy because they do not exhibit the Christian love they profess.
These people are masters of the no-win situation, and masters of making you the bad guy. Sometimes you have to let them experience THEIR side of the no-win: If they will not do what it takes to render themselves clean and sober for 4 hours, then they can’t come to your party.

AMEN!!! http://forum.catholic.com/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif

 

[Michael_C]

Princess_Abby:

Love does not mean subjecting ourselves to abusive harm.

“Perfect love casts out fear.” Therefore, the “love” we experience from abusive people in our lives is simply not something we are called to submit to. It’s not love anyway.

As wives, we submit to our husbands who in turn, submit to Christ’s Church. Will the Church ever expect the husband to follow Her in any immoral practice? No. (The Church is incapable of being wrong in faith and morals.) Should wives submit to anything immoral from their husbands? No.

Love does not require us to be within striking distance of an abuser. I love my in-laws with Christian love. Do I like them? No. I don’t like the way they treat me or my husband.

So, I choose to love them from a distance. Our Catholic therapist pointed out that we DO HARM TO THEM by continuing to allow ourselves to be present for them to abuse us. We STOP the cycle by not being around them and not enabling them to treat us with such venom. They may choose to treat other people that way, but we instead remove ourselves from being an occasion of sin for them. It’s painful, they think we are very cruel to do so, etc.

Just because we’re blood-related to someone does not give them open-access to hurt and assault our spirit.

My husband’s parents often say, “But I’m your MOTHER! I’m your FATHER! We are your family! You need to put these issues under the rug and forget them!”

And my husband says, “No, you are my family of origin. Abby is my family of choice. We are one flesh in the eyes of God and I will not let you separate us.” They honestly believe they have every right to treat us poorly and we should just ignore it by default since Paul is their son and they “deserve” access to him.

Of course, they roll their eyes and scream about how we’re “brainwashed, militant Catholics,” etc but…whatever.

Princess_Abby, This is a great post. I have a similar situation ad you put it into much better words than I could have. Thank you.

 

[monica_fan]

Would you say it’s more difficult for a mother to let go because she has given birth to that child and has that maternal bond? Maybe it’s because I fear for his physical and spiritual safety.
You do make a good point, sometimes you have to let them experience THEIR side of the no-win: Some in my family say that I should stop all contact with him to force him to wake up to the abusive situation he lives in. I’ve always thought that it’s best to keep the lines of communication open and to remain hopeful.

mercygate:

Sometimes the most “love” you can “do” is to know that a person is so damaging that you need not to let him hurt you.

I speak particularly of alcoholics and drug abusers who refuse to deal with their illness, and who hold the rest of their families hostage to their volatility and tantrums, while charging them with hypocrisy because they do not exhibit the Christian love they profess.
These people are masters of the no-win situation, and masters of making you the bad guy. Sometimes you have to let them experience THEIR side of the no-win: If they will not do what it takes to render themselves clean and sober for 4 hours, then they can’t come to your party.

 

[mercygate]

monica fan:

I’ve always thought that it’s best to keep the lines of communication open and to remain hopeful.

We don’t know the scope of your situation here, but you say your son and daughter in law live thousands of miles away, so the problem is not one of day-to-day interaction.

“Communication” is highly over-rated. With some people it’s just a lot of verbal blather and no substance.

The Christmas I failed to “communicate” a dinner invitation to our drug abusing relative was the day she realized that she no longer held the power. The ball is now in her court.

Mind you, this came after 30 years of turning the other cheek. That year, after dinner, when we were all chatting and laughing and REALLY enjoying one another, somebody said, “This is the best Christmas we’ve ever had.” I wonder if they ever did the math to figure out why?

 

[monica_fan]

Yes, since they have moved thousands of miles away, my only contact is through email and a phone call once a month. It seems like my son looks forward to the monthly call and we catch up on family happenings. His wife was involved in the occult but I don’t know if she still is. No matter how much I wish I knew, I don’t feel like I should pry, now that they are married. That and knowing how much she hates God and goodness is the reason I worry about his physical and spiritual health.
I never knew how hard it would be to be a mother in law. A relative once told me that our culture leads us to believe that it’s a given we will have problems with our mother in law, because of all the mother in law jokes and scenerios. I know my daughter in law’s mother had a terrible time with her mother in law, maybe she’s grown up thinking she is supposed to hate me.
I can certainly see why you shouldn’t allow your drug abusing relative to poisin your family get togethers. Maybe by being left out, you will not enable her to continue and she will wake up to the realization that in order to have contact with family she will have to get the help she needs.

mercygate:

We don’t know the scope of your situation here, but you say your son and daughter in law live thousands of miles away, so the problem is not one of day-to-day interaction.

“Communication” is highly over-rated. With some people it’s just a lot of verbal blather and no substance.

The Christmas I failed to “communicate” a dinner invitation to our drug abusing relative was the day she realized that she no longer held the power. The ball is now in her court.

Mind you, this came after 30 years of turning the other cheek. That year, after dinner, when we were all chatting and laughing and REALLY enjoying one another, somebody said, “This is the best Christmas we’ve ever had.” I wonder if they ever did the math to figure out why?

 

[mercygate]

monica fan:

I never knew how hard it would be to be a mother in law. A relative once told me that our culture leads us to believe that it’s a given we will have problems with our mother in law, because of all the mother in law jokes and scenerios.

My heart aches for you. My husband’s mother (now dead) was the most wonderful woman in the world. She understood her son’s irritating foibles (notwithstanding that he is a bona fide **saint), **and that helped me because it meant I wasn’t crazy. I mean, if he drove his own MOTHER nuts, THAT said something.

I loved her very much. She was a true friend and a better mother to me than my own mother was.

One way I “honored” her was never to refer to her as my mother-in-law because that name has such bad connotations. I always refer to her as “my husband’s mother.” God rest her soul. We will always miss her.

Our drug/alcohol abuser is her daughter. Mom stood by me when I didn’t make that Christmas invitation. She was very strong – and VERY loving.

 

[monica_fan]

It is so good to hear a good mother in law story. I have a good relationship with my other daughter in law though she gets upset with me and tells me I am too nice to her and should not be so afraid of offending her. She knows I am overly sensitive about stepping on toes because of my other daughter in law. It also helps that she is Catholic and we understand each other.
My own mother in law is just starting to accept me and our relationship is growing. She wanted her son to marry into money and prestige and always had excuses when we wanted to come visit. Now that she’s seen how I have stood by her son after a head injury and all the health problems that go with it, she’s finally decided I’m okay even though I am “too Catholic.” She doesn’t understand yet that my strength comes from my faith.

mercygate:

My heart aches for you. My husband’s mother (now dead) was the most wonderful woman in the world. She understood her son’s irritating foibles (notwithstanding that he is a bona fide **saint), **and that helped me because it meant I wasn’t crazy. I mean, if he drove his own MOTHER nuts, THAT said something.

I loved her very much. She was a true friend and a better mother to me than my own mother was.

One way I “honored” her was never to refer to her as my mother-in-law because that name has such bad connotations. I always refer to her as “my husband’s mother.” God rest her soul. We will always miss her.

Our drug/alcohol abuser is her daughter. Mom stood by me when I didn’t make that Christmas invitation. She was very strong – and VERY loving.

 

[mercygate]

monica fan:

It is so good to hear a good mother in law story. I have a good relationship with my other daughter in law . . .
.
My own mother in law is just starting to accept me and our relationship is growing. She wanted her son to marry into money and prestige and always had excuses when we wanted to come visit. Now that she’s seen how I have stood by her son after a head injury and all the health problems that go with it, she’s finally decided I’m okay even though I am “too Catholic.” She doesn’t understand yet that my strength comes from my faith.

Being good to their child is the best way to endear your in-laws!

Head injury is VERY hard to handle. May you continue in the grace to do so, and may your husband emerge from any deficits he may retain.

Heh, heh. My husband’s mother was a “Cinderella” bride: a VERY poor kid who married into pretty big bucks. She never forgot what it was like not to have a winter coat, never forgot what it was like to be “not good enough” for the rest of the family. When I married her son, she never give me a minute’s grief about my not being wealthy – nor did my father-in-law because HE knew that the “poor girl” he married was a wonderful wife and mother: Money couldn’t buy it!

 

[bapcathluth]

The good mother-in-law story warmed my heart, Mercygate. I have a mil who is very straight-forward and in your face about stating her opinion, good or bad. But when she compliments me, and she does, I know she really means it.

I really love my mil, and wish we lived closer. My own dear mother died four years ago and when my mil is here to visit it is very nice to watch her appreciate the kids, etc.

I think that a lot of women would be put-off by my mil because she can insult, but I try to focus on the positive. She is very helpful and when she comes she wants to clean closets, cook, and do everything for us. Rather than getting angry about her need to reorganize my house, I let her help me and appreciate it.

 

[F.S.Casey]

Dear Monica Fan,

You are a very dear and patient person. I admire you deeply for being able to keep the communication open despite being treated so poorly. I have failed miserably in that area with my own sister who is on drugs. I can see why you are a “Monica Fan” - never giving up hope.

 

[monica_fan]

Dear F.S. Casey,
Thank you, but believe me, I’m not always patient. I’ve been known to pray, “please God, answer my prayer, real soon, like now”
I’ve been able to keep the line of communication open with my son but have had to let go of it where my daughter in law is concerned. She would use the opportunity to attack me and Our Lord. In fact, she delighted in it. Like many here have said, you don’t have to subject yourself to abuse. If your sister is on drugs, she’s most likely very abusive. Right now we may only be able to love them through our prayers.
Never give up hope that God will reach your sister.
Welcome to the forums, I see this is your first post!

F.S.Casey:

Dear Monica Fan,

You are a very dear and patient person. I admire you deeply for being able to keep the communication open despite being treated so poorly. I have failed miserably in that area with my own sister who is on drugs. I can see why you are a “Monica Fan” - never giving up hope.

 

[mercygate]

Just last night I came to the portion of the Rule of the Confraternity of Penitents which requires us to pray daily for our “enemies” BY NAME.

R. T. Kendall, an Evangelical pastor, writes in his book, Total Forgiveness, that our forgiveness of a wrong does not require the “wrongdoer’s” repentance (and it is likely that the offender doesn’t even know he has hurt us), and we MUST forgive totally. It is not a suggestion. Our Lord DEMANDS it and he even renders his forgiveness of us conditional on our forgiveness of others. In this pre-Christmas season, perhaps each of us who has been hurt by someone in our family might make a special united appeal – on our own behalf and on behalf of all here – that these wounds will be healed.

We DO believe in miracles, don’t we?