Dealing with difficult family members

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We sure do believe in miracles, at least I do. 😉 Forgiving is not only good for the forgiven but the forgivee. It helps you to let go. It’s also good not to dredge up old hurts but to move on and look at each new day as a fresh start. I know it’s difficult when the abusive relative doesn’t go by the same moral values but God may have put them in our lives to show them the way to love and forgive.
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mercygate:
Just last night I came to the portion of the Rule of the Confraternity of Penitents which requires us to pray daily for our “enemies” BY NAME.

R. T. Kendall, an Evangelical pastor, writes in his book, Total Forgiveness, that our forgiveness of a wrong does not require the “wrongdoer’s” repentance (and it is likely that the offender doesn’t even know he has hurt us), and we MUST forgive totally. It is not a suggestion. Our Lord DEMANDS it and he even renders his forgiveness of us conditional on our forgiveness of others. In this pre-Christmas season, perhaps each of us who has been hurt by someone in our family might make a special united appeal – on our own behalf and on behalf of all here – that these wounds will be healed.

We DO believe in miracles, don’t we?
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Ah, what a timely topic.

For years I have struggled to balance my relationship with my parents with my relationship with my husband. He always said I wasn’t independent, that I put them before him, that I never stood up to them. I always said that they were just being loving, and the only things they did that were pushy involved seeing us - they just wanted to spend time with us, because they love us - what could be wrong with that?

It has taken many rosaries on my part for God to help me REALLY listen to my husband on this, and he is right. I was an only child, and always close to my parents. My Mom has a very strong personality and I have always been afraid to upset her. She doesn’t do anything blatantly abusive, just pushy. She tries to make us eat more, to take home leftovers, to plan another visit soon, gives our daughter lots of presents and things she really doesn’t need, mostly music-related so she can grow up to play the violin just like me (My daughter’s not even 1 year old yet), etc. I always looked at this as what moms do, and never thought anything of it, but it really upsets my husband. I kept trying to make him change the way he looks at her, to make him understand, and never really considered the fact that I should be the one to change.

It is very difficult for me still to stand up to her, especially when I see her in person. It’s much easier for me to send her an email, which is what I do now, although I’d like to get to the point where I can really speak up. I want to be strong, and I am praying for God’s help with this. I love my husband, and am finally seeing how much I’ve hurt him by letting things slide over the years.

Please pray for us. My Mom is currently not speaking to me, and thinks that we don’t want to see them for Christmas, even though I never said that. I love my family, and want us all to enjoy a blessed holiday together, but I cannot let things go again - I have finally started to really listen and change my heart, and I will not risk my marriage for the sake of holiday get-togethers.

I just want to say to all of you who are having difficulties with family members, especially those who seem to be rejecting your love, that you may be coming on too strong. Your loving attentions, as you see them, may actually be an attempt to make your loved-ones conform to your ideas about what family should be. To those of you who have a spouse that just doesn’t understand your family, perhaps it is you who doesn’t understand your spouse.

I can honestly say that the only way I truly started to learn and listen was through prayer, and lots of it.
 
Mamageek and all: what a great season to meditate on the great Scriptural mission of marriage and family: Leave and cleave.

And remember: when you are married, respect for your parents no longer takes the form of obedience. That you owe to one another in spousal union.
 
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MamaGeek:
Ah, what a timely topic.

I will not risk my marriage for the sake of holiday get-togethers.
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Hi “MamaGeek”:
Really enjoyed reading your post on this one! I like what you said above too, I really really feel our marriage comes absolute #1!!! just as you said!!! Thx for the reminder!!! We all need to put the needs of our spouse above our own, whether that be getting together with family or not.

Blessings~~
 
I can’t expect anyone to understand what I am going through with my daughter in law because you haven’t been here to see it. In fact, it’s the other way around with her, she expects me to conform to her atheism… She has told me that she will not allow me into her family until I give up my Catholic faith. She says my faith is a corrupting influence. She succeeded in getting my son to denounce his faith and tried to work on us. When I told her that I would not denounce my faith, she told me I loved my God more then I loved my son. She has since tried to convince him that my love for my son was never real.
I’ve been praying a lot on this, been to our Priest and received counseling. He’s told me to keep the line of communication open with my son and to keep praying for her. I guess what I need from everyone here is prayers for my son and daughter-in-law. Thanks and God bless~

I just want to say to all of you who are having difficulties with family members, especially those who seem to be rejecting your love, that you may be coming on too strong. Your loving attentions, as you see them, may actually be an attempt to make your loved-ones conform to your ideas about what family should be. To those of you who have a spouse that just doesn’t understand your family, perhaps it is you who doesn’t understand your spouse.

I can honestly say that the only way I truly started to learn and listen was through prayer, and lots of it.
 
monica fan:
I can’t expect anyone to understand what I am going through with my daughter in law because you haven’t been here to see it. In fact, it’s the other way around with her, she expects me to conform to her atheism… She has told me that she will not allow me into her family until I give up my Catholic faith.
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You have GOT to be kidding!

Your DIL is most sick Dear monica fan. Tell your son, you believe this is so, and just pray and see where God leads you. Tell your son, HE knows the Truth, right and wrong, and that HE needs to be a man and stand up to his wife. Also, that you will pray for them, as a couple. It must be hard to let go of your kids when they are married, but it is the best thing, and truly as God intended. For your son is a big boy now and has made his choices, whatever they may be, tell him you trust he will make the right choices, and that you will always be a support, then share your gut feelings and leave it at that.

Blessings~~
 
Hi Sparkle,
I wish I were kidding. Her counselor, friends and her family have all told me that she wants total control. Yes, she is sick and needs many, many prayers. I’m hoping she gets the help she needs in Grad school. This has been going on for 4 years and I have had to let much of it go for my own health and my husband’s health. I and several others who were concerned had those talks with my son before they were married but he is so controlled by her, he cannot see it. Her own mother told me that I must stay in contact with him so when she drops him like she did her last, he doesn’t attempt suicide like the last one did.
That’s why I go by Monica fan. All that’s left for me to do is to pray unceasingly and to love much.
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sparkle:
You have GOT to be kidding!

Your DIL is most sick Dear monica fan. Tell your son, you believe this is so, and just pray and see where God leads you. Tell your son, HE knows the Truth, right and wrong, and that HE needs to be a man and stand up to his wife. Also, that you will pray for them, as a couple. It must be hard to let go of your kids when they are married, but it is the best thing, and truly as God intended. For your son is a big boy now and has made his choices, whatever they may be, tell him you trust he will make the right choices, and that you will always be a support, then share your gut feelings and leave it at that.

Blessings~~
 
Hi “monica fan” dear friend wherever you are. Did you get my PM?

Please friend, try to move on with your life, and not worry so much about your son and his wife. That is HIS life, which he has chosen and you, unfortunately have nothing to say about it. I know the day will come when the same will be for me, with my sons choosing wives, being married. And I know it might be so hard too.

I simply want to say to you today, to be happy in whatever situation YOU are in, monica fan. For your life does not depend upon the happiness and fulfillment of your kids any longer. They are adults now, and you need to try to let go of this. Especially when your sons have chosen their wives, regardless of how they are. All you can really do is to pray for them. Of course as I mentioned earlier, tell him you feelings, but then let it go. He has new family.

Call you son today, tell him you love him, that you will always be grandma, there to babysit, there for him to talk to, and then realize HE made his choice in a wife. It is his life now.

Hey----you and your hubby go see a movie today “National Treasure” is awesome. I loved it! Or go see it alone.

Luv ya~~
 
Thank you, Sparkle, for your caring and your words of wisdom. I’m working on letting it go and trusting that God will work it all out.
My advice to parents is to have lots of talks with them about choosing the right spouse before they get to the dating age. It’s awfully hard to talk to them about it once they find the one they want. I never thought he’s end up marrying her and my words of warnings to him have come back to haunt me.
Did you send a second PM? I replied to your first only today because I am new to this forum and didn’t know to check for private messages. :o Now I know. God bless you~
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sparkle:
Hi “monica fan” dear friend wherever you are. Did you get my PM?

Please friend, try to move on with your life, and not worry so much about your son and his wife. That is HIS life, which he has chosen and you, unfortunately have nothing to say about it. I know the day will come when the same will be for me, with my sons choosing wives, being married. And I know it might be so hard too.

I simply want to say to you today, to be happy in whatever situation YOU are in, monica fan. For your life does not depend upon the happiness and fulfillment of your kids any longer. They are adults now, and you need to try to let go of this. Especially when your sons have chosen their wives, regardless of how they are. All you can really do is to pray for them. Of course as I mentioned earlier, tell him you feelings, but then let it go. He has new family.

Call you son today, tell him you love him, that you will always be grandma, there to babysit, there for him to talk to, and then realize HE made his choice in a wife. It is his life now.

Hey----you and your hubby go see a movie today “National Treasure” is awesome. I loved it! Or go see it alone.

Luv ya~~
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Dear Monica Fan,

My heart is with you. How hard it is when one of our children make bad choices. I can never seem to stop worrying/praying for my children. Of course, this does not mean that I don’t live a normal life. I am busy with many things to do. But in my heart - it is always there as I am sure it is with you. It is a mothers nature to worry for her children and with your DIL - I am surprised that you are not in therapy. She has been so cruel to you and your family. I will continue to pray for your situation.

F.S. Casey
 
Dear Casey,
Since we’ve gotten to know each other through private messaging, I know you understand what I am dealing with. Thanks so much for the words of support. I am learning to survive on the once a month crumbs my son is allowed to throw me. You are so right, you don’t ever stop being a mother even though your relationship with your child **has **to change.
One of the best decisions I ever made in my life was when my husband and I joined the Big Brother Big Sister program right after our son married this girl (they were 19). I knew I had to let go and I knew I also had a need to be needed and help someone who really wanted my help. For over three years we have spent 5 hours a week with a brother (13) and sister (11) who don’t have a mother. She ran off with a convicted child molester when they were just babies. Their daddy is mildly retarded and they appreciate all that we can do for them. The children have asked if they could live with us but their daddy loves them so much and it would destroy him if they also left him. So we try to fill the void where we can. God bless you~
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F.S.Casey:
Dear Monica Fan,

My heart is with you. How hard it is when one of our children make bad choices. I can never seem to stop worrying/praying for my children. Of course, this does not mean that I don’t live a normal life. I am busy with many things to do. But in my heart - it is always there as I am sure it is with you. It is a mothers nature to worry for her children and with your DIL - I am surprised that you are not in therapy. She has been so cruel to you and your family. I will continue to pray for your situation.

F.S. Casey
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I try to be very kind and generous with help and prayerful support (although, they don’t want to know that I pray for them and I don’t tell them. I just sit back and thank Our Lady for protecting them and helping them with employment, etc.)

I could sit around being resentful – been there and it isn’t good – so I try to act like we are close.
 
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