Dealing with fiances friends

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alice24

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Fiancé and me sharing a small friend circle at university, beside of this I have some close friends and he has - or had, which is the problem.
His friends are childhood friends and this circle was very close, almost too close in my eyes. There is a girl who was the center of attention in an all-male circle, now in relationship with one of the guys. The other men there are mostly ever lasting bachelors. In the whole group, sentences like “I am too young for that” , “in my future” or “I can´t decide in my age” are usual when it comes to family, marriage or other serious decisions.
They are mostly in their late 20s, so in my eyes everything but unresponsible for their life.
Fiancé never had a serious relationship before me, and we decided to marry after 10 months, so we will be married after 1,5 years next month. Problem is, as we made it official, the reaction was - with a few exception- bad or not existent. His parents and mine were glad, my friends ant those shared by us were glad to hear, but his friends got distanced. He is anoyed of this and angry, but I feel he is hurt. He asked me what to do. I tried to have free time with all the others, but no reaction. Would you advice to seek more contact, in any way, what is not easy for me as I don´t feel respect there, or should we move on, what would cause maybe solitiude for him?
 
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Life changes. Friends change.

That’s normal.

The situation is not. It seems to me that there is way too much drama and hurt feelings going around for people in their 20’s…this sounds like drama from 15yo’s.

Time to grow up and make new friends.
 
Yes, I think so. What worries me is the fact that this “we are sooo young and need to wait until we are in our late 30s before we make decision” thing is quite common here where I live. The environment is secular and mostly shares those opinion, except some really fundamentalistic groups. There is not enough “healthy middle way” between the Don´t care movement, as I label it sometimes, and the traditionalistic anti-movement that shares beliefs I simply don´t share. That makes me sometimes feel as I have to accept those people in our life, as I don´t want to be the isolating conservative anoying wife they probably see me.
 
Could be they are preemptively distancing themselves. Demands that the nature of existing friendships change seem to be a common feature of marriage.
 
Yeah, but why? Fear for being questioned in their worldview? I was never overly critical or unfriendly when we met. For me it seems it is nothing personal against me but a general issue.
 
alice24 said:
Yeah, but why? Fear for being questioned in their worldview? I was never overly critical or unfriendly when we met. For me it seems it is nothing personal against me but a general issue.
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🤨

Married couples have different priorities. This isn’t some big dramatic social issue. It is VERY common for friends to drift apart as they get married…happens more often than not.
 
Ok…I never experieced it, so I always thought they would be happy for us and it wouldn´t change until we start family with kids - I mean, we both have not that less or more time for friends after marriage. We went out regulary with friends at the weekend, but not every weekend as we work late. I thought it would be ok for them if we continue this. This friend of mine with her little boy hadn´t much change in her friend circle until her baby was born and some - luckily not all - friends wasn´t seen often after this because they simply didn´t want to accept going in a bar was over for a time.
 
alice24 said:
Ok…I never experieced it, so I always thought they would be happy for us and it wouldn´t change until we start family with kids - I mean, we both have not that less or more time for friends after marriage. We went out regulary with friends at the weekend, but not every weekend as we work late. I thought it would be ok for them if we continue this. This friend of mine with her little boy hadn´t much change in her friend circle until her baby was born and some - luckily not all - friends wasn´t seen often after this because they simply didn´t want to accept going in a bar was over for a time.
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It’s not that it’s “not ok” to go out…its that a married couple is going to want more nights in…or to eat dinner together rather than in a group. It takes a lot of effort to do this post-marriage because you both have to want it. That’s why it works for some people in some circumstances–like your friend with the baby–but not others.
 
Ok, this is a point. My friend and her husband with the child shared a friend circle in which were more people who were already married when they got to know each other, maybe that made it easier.
What seems strange to me is that they seeked distance to him before the marriage, they hadn´t experienced the change at this stage. None of them has married friens in a greater number, but they seem to think life ends with marriage 🤔
 
alice24 said:
Ok, this is a point. My friend and her husband with the child shared a friend circle in which were more people who were already married when they got to know each other, maybe that made it easier.
What seems strange to me is that they seeked distance to him before the marriage, they hadn´t experienced the change at this stage. None of them has married friens in a greater number, but they seem to think life ends with marriage 🤔
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You’ve stated in other threads that you are extremely busy with school, with work and with caring for your sister—nevermind planning a wedding. Has your future husband helped with none of this?

If he hasn’t, then yeah, it’s a bit strange they are distancing themselves. But it sounds like he’s got just as much work and school as you, he’s also planning his wedding and he’s, in general, supporting you in your efforts with your sister and life as a whole.

His schedule has changed and this means less time with his friends. People only ask so many times before they stop making the effort to include someone.
 
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He has helped me alot, yes. Maybe this sounds rude but I wouldn´t marry him if not. He was at an very early stage of our relationship clear with me that he wants to marry me, and changed much of his life plans to make this happen (he wanted to go to norway when we met).
The last weeks we spend much time renovating my future in-laws house in that we will move, but it seem to me that his friends rather see him having not that much time for them in a mental way, as he talked much about his plans and future. The result was a discussion about divorce rate in his friend circle, not “congratulations”🤨
 
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alice24 said:
He has helped me alot, yes. Maybe this sounds rude but I wouldn´t marry him if not. He was at an very early stage of our relationship clear with me that he wants to marry me, and changed much of his life plans to make this happen (he wanted to go to norway when we met).
The last weeks we spend much time renovating my future in-laws house in that we will move, but it seem to me that his friends rather see him having not that much time for them in a mental way, as he talked much about his plans and future, The result was a discussion about divorce rate in his friend circle, not “congratulations”🤨
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No, not rude at all. He has his priorities straight, which is a good thing.

I just think you’re seeing his friends stay the same but not how he has changed. And you’re upset and confused because things aren’t status quo…to the point where you are blaming yourself for an imagined misstep.

Houses are timesucks, too. Good grief. Even newer houses just take SO MUCH TIME. Non-homeowners don’t get it.

His friends are “distant” because he is now occupied with things when he could be going out and having fun.

I don’t think a discussion about divorce rates and concern over marriage is inherently bad. Given what you’ve described as a really short dating and engagement process I don’t think it’s wrong at all that their first concern was marital stability. Sure, they oculd of been more tactful, but it’s not terrible.
 
I think me being upset is more egoistic - I feel anoyed of this group blaming me for “taking his friend away”. I feel I don´t have enough patience with this ressentiments as I probably should have…
Fortunately, he doesn´t blame me for this, he seems even more strict against them because he feels questioned in decisions he would have liked to get support.

Well, my friend with family brought the “did you decided carefully” theme on the table, too, but in a kind way. I felt she cared for us. Beside this was always joy and other reasonable questions, as “where will you live? How to organise XYZ?” but his friends only brought up general critic as “28 is too young (I mean, really?!)” or, if it was personal, things like “you should not marry your first girl” to “You won´t find her attractive when you have children” (which hurted me).

The house is like a black hole for time, muscles and money :roll_eyes:but luckily we had much old furniture to use and my future father in law is a machine builder who is able to fix almost EVERYTHING with a hammer and some jokes 😀
 
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alice24 said:
I think me being upset is more egoistic - I feel anoyed of this group blaming me for “taking his friend away”. I feel I don´t have enough patience with this ressentiments as I probably should have…
Fortunately, he doesn´t blame me for this, he seems even more strict against them because he feels questioned in decisions he would have liked to get support.

Well, my friend with family brought the “did you decided carefully” theme on the table, too, but in a kind way. I felt she cared for us. Beside this was always joy and other reasonable questions, as “where will you live? How to organise XYZ?” but his friends only brought up general critic as “28 is too young (I mean, really?!)” or, if it was personal, things like “you should not marry your first girl” to “You won´t find her attractive when you have children” (which hurted me).

The house is like a black hole for time, muscles and money :roll_eyes:but luckily we had much old furniture to use and my future father in law is a machine builder who is able to fix almost EVERYTHING with a hammer and some jokes 😀
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Men aren’t known for their tact. Even my husband’s good friends make stupid jokes sometimes.

He doesn’t blame you because he understands the way they are thinking…he’s a guy.

And again, there is a big concern about marrying the first woman a guy dates. It should be concerning. Additional discernment is required. One does not have to “shop around” but the chances of “settling” and making concessions are much higher. And honestly, pregnancy is NOT pretty. Some men find it attractive, but most don’t. Heck, I don’t even like my big fat pregnant belly. I don’t expect my husband to.

There’s nothing inherently wrong about their conversation, and your future husband really should be keeping much of it to himself. They lack tact and decorum, and as you said there are much better ways to address the situation, but none of the topics they are bringing up are really egregious.
 
Stupid jokes would be ok, but they seem to take it serious.

They don´t meant being attractive during pregnancy (I have to say I fear this myself), but after, when children are born. It was a comment in the “a mother will never be atractive” style, as I would except it from a teenager.

The conversation was not brought to me by my fiancé (I think he would have been quiet about some details to not hurt me), they said it openly to me during a group teamspeak call (we “meet” sometimes on a teamspeak server as some kind of digital bar).
 
alice24 said:
Well, my friend with family brought the “did you decided carefully” theme on the table, too, but in a kind way. I felt she cared for us. Beside this was always joy and other reasonable questions, as “where will you live? How to organise XYZ?” but his friends only brought up general critic as “28 is too young (I mean, really?!)” or, if it was personal, things like “you should not marry your first girl” to “You won´t find her attractive when you have children” (which hurted me).
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Yeah, they do sound terrible.
 
alice24 said:
Stupid jokes would be ok, but they seem to take it serious.

They don´t meant being attractive during pregnancy (I have to say I fear this myself), but after, when children are born. It was a comment in the “a mother will never be atractive” style, as I would except it from a teenager.

The conversation was not brought to me by my fiancé (I think he would have been quiet about some details to not hurt me), they said it openly to me during a group teamspeak call (we “meet” sometimes on a teamspeak server as some kind of digital bar).
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Alice, they are immature. They are blathering their fears about marriage in front of you. Most of their fears are valid fears. The postpartum body is nothing to write home about. They are not conducting themselves well, but nothing they say is inherently wrong.

They are trying to grapple with an idea–a concept–that someone would choose marriage when they see marriage as a burden. And let’s be real. Marriage is hard work. It is not easy, or there wouldn’t be divorce. It’s not pretty. Women do get the brunt of physical changes. Most women are not as “hot” after children. That’s just a biological fact.

You need to take a step back from your fiancee’s friends. They are trying to cope with their own issues. They are trying to deal with a society where their parents were divorced and where they suffered for it. Many, many people in my office (all 20 and 30 somethings) were afraid of marriage soley because of the impact of divorce. They saw marriage as the enemy. Some even moved in together, had children and were all but married becuase they believed that simply getting married would cause them to be apart.

His friends are being awful. They should learn to govern their tounges. But none of these things are truly shocking on their own.
 
Thank you, your words are very open, clear and helpful.💙
You are probably right with the idea that they fear all this, I know many came from material well families, but with divorce and instability. I have to say I fear some things regarding marriage and family, too - birth, stress, hard times. My parents are divorced, too, but I never thought “no risk and skip” would be an option. I only hope we will grow with our struggles in the future…

If I were only responsible for me, I would simply stay away from them. As my fiancé grew up in this group, I am always so insecure when he asks me “what should I do with those bad comments?” or when he is sad or in anger because of them. I don´t want to isolate him and feel it would be good if he “grows out” of this circle on his own. He was raised in a very liberal and “let it be” environment with premarital relations, atheism etc. Sometimes I fear I could be “too much” for him if I spoke out against them and give them more fire for their opinion…
 
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