Dealing with "help" from inlaws

[just_me_1]

I’m at work now, trying to post from my cell phone, lol, what a pain! I read your kind replies and feel a little more confident should this happen again. DH ( just H at the time) understands I think and called and explained my feelings to MIL (a RN) who understood, agreed with me, and knew about the dairy concern! I have no clue why she didn’t speak up at the time… she did promise she wouldn’t give her anything without checking with me/us first. so that helps. should I talk to BIL or let it ride and take control of the situation better if it happens again? I kinda think it should be water under the bridge this time… I dunno.

 

[maryjk]

I’m at work now, trying to post from my cell phone, lol, what a pain! I read your kind replies and feel a little more confident should this happen again. DH ( just H at the time) understands I think and called and explained my feelings to MIL (a RN) who understood, agreed with me, and knew about the dairy concern! I have no clue why she didn’t speak up at the time… she did promise she wouldn’t give her anything without checking with me/us first. so that helps. should I talk to BIL or let it ride and take control of the situation better if it happens again? I kinda think it should be water under the bridge this time… I dunno.

Since it was so recent, it could be brought up. But I don’t know. It really depends on your relationship with him. And his personality.

Maybe the next time you hand him the baby, or his picks up the baby, you say something like, “Ok, but don’t feed her ice cream, got it” :tsktsk: Depending on your relationship, you could make it sound like you are joking, but also you could get your point across.

 

[iluvmybabies]

It’s been a while, but I’m back on CAF. We sold our place and are in the process of moving home. I see so many red flags going up around me for my baby and marriage though, it’s not even funny.

My inlaws try to tell me how to raise my baby (mind you they have kids who are having babies at 15!). I can deal with that and smile and nod. but last night, while holding my 4 month old daughter (my first), my brother in law fed her ice cream!!! I asked, begged, told him no, and he did it anyways, and everyone told me to relax, she’ll be fine. including DH! so it spaqned a huge fight with DH last night. Am I overreacting? Should I let people do things against my wishes to avoid from upsetting the apple cart? if they do, what do I do? I don’t want to be known as the psycho wife, but I need to do what’s best for my baby!

my inlaws are good people I just can’t stand the thought of them undermining me like that. Advice and similar situations are truly appreciated. God bless!

Yeah hon, I think what Kage said is really good advise… I am having inlaw problems and they aren’t even my inlaws yet!!! And yeah no matter what someone will always try and tell you how to raise your kids…always…So the best thing to do is just nod or smile and say thank you… because when my future mil doesn’t like something about my kids she’ll tell me things like “it’s your fault you let them run your life and run you the way they do! don’t come to me for advise or help when they start telling you off when they become teens!”

I am like thank you! Now well we aren’t talking because I guess I disrespected her because I apologized, anyhow, the point is that she no longer wants anything to do with me and her son…SO I feel sorry for her and her family, I know her son misses them dearly and has been upset about the situation but better to smile and keep your distance don’t try to please everyone either hon cuz it will just come back and bite you…

Take care and definitely be careful…

 

[thequeen]

I would listen to their suggestions then pick which ones if any that would be a help to me

 

[lovemyboys]

I would have GONE BALLISTIC if someone had fed something to my 4 month old baby without my permission. I would have probably banned the person from the house… You’re the mommy, and it’s your intuition you have to rely on. I’m a firm believer in mommy’s intuition being right. I would quickly get a reputation with in-laws like that as a crazy mama bear, and that would be just fine with me. Of course, I also have a husband who backs me up 100%…

That reminds me of the time my mom gave my son a couple of slices of pie when he was a baby. She wasn’t the one who had to stay up all night with a crying kid with indigestion.

 

[just_me_1]

Maybe the next time you hand him the baby, or his picks up the baby, you say something like, “Ok, but don’t feed her ice cream, got it” :tsktsk: Depending on your relationship, you could make it sound like you are joking, but also you could get your point across.

I like this. I think it’ll work. I want to let the whole thing go, but that’s unrealistic, I am a little hard headed for that. so next time he wants to hold her, he’s gonna get the “no ice cream, no chocolate frosting, no ranch dressing, no ______ (whatever the bright idea of the day is), understand?” and if he still tries it, THEN mama bear will really come unglued!

I’m headed back next week and will keep everyone posted on how it goes. I’m hoping since MIL got the message from DH who got reamed out by MB (mama bear, lol), she may spread the word to BIL about respecting above mentioned MB’s wishes.

thanks again!

 

[Speak_Up]

when I tried to stand up DH “sat me back down” and wouldn’t get out of my way.

What. The. Freak.

Did your husband court you by knocking you over the head with a club and dragging you to his cave by your hair?

My husband would never in a million years have treated me like that, nor would he sit around and LAUGH AT ME while his family disrespected me!

If he ever did, he would get both barrels and deserve all of it. He’d be picking verbal buckshot out of his rear end for two weeks. And I would be shocked, because he has never treated me that way, nor given me reason to think he would.

Your main issue is with your husband, who doesn’t seem to understand that his obligation is to stand by you. Also, he is supposed to protect his child. And you have medical advice that says that baby should not have that food… period.

This is so over the top… I mean, I was gasping while reading it. I don’t get how anyone thinks they have the right to treat a new mother, the wife of their son/brother that way! My in-laws would never have done something like that, they’ve always been very respectful of parental prerogative and asked first.

I truly don’t get people who would behave that way!

 

[jazzbaby1]

I haven’t read all the replies yet, but for this mother of three it wouldn’t matter if BIL was trying to give my kid solid gold bars: if I said NO I meant NO. A baby is a family member, a person with needs, not a community doll to dress up and play with. Switch it around: if BIL were the caregiver of an elderly in-law and you gave that elder ice cream against what the doctor recommended, would that be okay? I’m thinking probably not. It shouldn’t be okay with a baby, either.

 

[just_me_1]

What. The. Freak.

Did your husband court you by knocking you over the head with a club and dragging you to his cave by your hair?

My husband would never in a million years have treated me like that, nor would he sit around and LAUGH AT ME while his family disrespected me!

If he ever did, he would get both barrels and deserve all of it. He’d be picking verbal buckshot out of his rear end for two weeks. And I would be shocked, because he has never treated me that way, nor given me reason to think he would.

Your main issue is with your husband, who doesn’t seem to understand that his obligation is to stand by you. Also, he is supposed to protect his child. And you have medical advice that says that baby should not have that food… period.

This is so over the top… I mean, I was gasping while reading it. I don’t get how anyone thinks they have the right to treat a new mother, the wife of their son/brother that way! My in-laws would never have done something like that, they’ve always been very respectful of parental prerogative and asked first.

I truly don’t get people who would behave that way!

LOL thank you! this was exactly my reaction! I was so pissed at everyone! but DH (again, just H that day) was the only one to get the full wrath that night. I don’t honestly think BIL even now knows I was pissed! but DH is still dealing with me sputtering about it here and there…

 

[maryjk]

I like this. I think it’ll work. I want to let the whole thing go, but that’s unrealistic, I am a little hard headed for that. so next time he wants to hold her, he’s gonna get the “no ice cream, no chocolate frosting, no ranch dressing, no ______ (whatever the bright idea of the day is), understand?” and if he still tries it, THEN mama bear will really come unglued!

I would even say, “or whatever the bright idea of the day is. Got it? Or Mama bear will come unglued.” :tsktsk::tsktsk:

 

[Serap]

I agree with the posters who would have freaked out. Giving a 4 mo old ice-cream can be very dangerous. My husband would have gotten the same treatment that your husband received. I would have given it to him BIG TIME!

I would also tell my BIL straight up not to feed the baby anything at all…natta…nothing…GOT IT!!! You are the mother and you decide.

Luckily, my DH and I are on the same page with what we feed our DD. If I say no about anything, he backs me up also in front of people. If he disagrees, he’ll give me a look, but won’t say anything until we’re alone.

I’m so hard headed, I would have told my husband to get out of the way and I would have crawled on the table if I had to to take my baby away from BIL I wouldn’t have cared what the in-laws thought b/c I’m the mom and not them!

I once got into a fight with my SIL when my DD was a month old…ooo it was bad , but she never came between DD and me like that again. I also continued to stand up for myself when she tried to give me sarcastic mothering advice - not a full outright yelling match those times She now knows not to disrespect me as a mother

You have to stand up for what you believe in. God has trusted you with a child and you’re the mother; not anyone else.

My in-laws have a lot of respect for me now b/c they see that I’m a good mother and they trust me now. I think before, they were unsure if I was up to the task as a mother. Now what I say goes.

What I’m trying to say is; sometimes standing up for yourself brings about hard feelings in the short-term, but respect over the long-term if you also handle it without blurting out disrespectful insults when you’re standing up for yourself.

 

[kage_ar]

A wife who “reams out” her husband - - yikes!

Remember, this is his child as well and he has an equal say in how the child is fed and raised.

 

[Consecrated]

A wife who “reams out” her husband - - yikes!

Remember, this is his child as well and he has an equal say in how the child is fed and raised.

lol this is what I was thinking, too.

although i totally agree that your husband should have backed you up… and that you are right to now be cautious about letting your BIL have unrestricted access to baby. I think it’s important to make it clear now that you as the parents are in charge of what goes into child’s body/mind, and you won’t tolerate being dismissed. What if, 10 years from now, BIL happens to have charge of your child/ren, and decides that an indecent movie is ok? lay down the groudwork now to hopefully avoid that happening then.

I know what the OP is talking about when she says her DH “sat her down”… my DH has had to give me subtle hints to “tone it down” when I’m overreacting in public. Now, I’m not saying that the OP was overreacting for wanting to get to her baby (I would have, too!), but neither was her DH necessarily being abusive. geeeeez. she was right to bring it up later with him in private.

Also, I have a ridiculous in-law story re. in-laws feeding my children what we don’t want them to have. When our oldest was about 2 or 3, we were my in-laws’ house for thanksgiving. Just us and them… small gathering. Well, we wanted our son to eat the very small amt of food on his plate before we were going to allow the regular t-giving desserts. This is our rule in general. If you don’t eat a decent meal (even if very small), you shouldn’t have the junk food… it’s just not healthy. Well, my MIL hit the roof when we wouldn’t let her give him pie yet. Just really started whining and insisting. Dh tried to stand up to her, and prolly rose his voice… he’s got a short fuse. well, FIL exploded, and in a matter of minutes the “fight” had progressed to the point that we were ordered out of their house.

after that incident, we’ve become very much more laid back about what happens with food at the in-laws. we decided that we’d be firm with our rules in our house, and hope that the spoiling that happens at the GPs won’t harm them. Miraculously, the sense of our mealtime rules seems to have rubbed off a bit on the in-laws (really they had the same rules with their children), and so it’s very much less of an issue now. also, our oldest is finally a lot less picky. and MIL is very careful about following our wishes in TV, books and toys etc.

 

[just_me_1]

A wife who “reams out” her husband - - yikes!

Remember, this is his child as well and he has an equal say in how the child is fed and raised.

oh please! like any wife has not flown off the handle at her husband at one time or another when he had it coming.

He has an equal say as long as it’s not harmful to her health (or potentially), then it’s up to me to educate him on the reasons why not to feed her something. I honestly don’t think he knows (not that I really do either, but I talk to her doctor and do all the reading…) sometimes, and in this case, was just trying to keep the peace with his family.

 

[just_me_1]

lol this is what I was thinking, too.

although i totally agree that your husband should have backed you up… and that you are right to now be cautious about letting your BIL have unrestricted access to baby. I think it’s important to make it clear now that you as the parents are in charge of what goes into child’s body/mind, and you won’t tolerate being dismissed. What if, 10 years from now, BIL happens to have charge of your child/ren, and decides that an indecent movie is ok? lay down the groudwork now to hopefully avoid that happening then.

EXACTLY. it wasn’t about the ice cream. it was about respect.

I know what the OP is talking about when she says her DH “sat her down”… my DH has had to give me subtle hints to “tone it down” when I’m overreacting in public. Now, I’m not saying that the OP was overreacting for wanting to get to her baby (I would have, too!), but neither was her DH necessarily being abusive. geeeeez. she was right to bring it up later with him in private.

no no, I should have been clearer. he’s a sweet guy, not abusive a bit, I just think he was trying to make everyone happy. he didn’t have the wishes of his wife first nor the best good of his daughter, but instead wanted BIL to be happy. he’s a guy. they don’t always think things through. or see them like us…

Also, I have a ridiculous in-law story re. in-laws feeding my children what we don’t want them to have. When our oldest was about 2 or 3, we were my in-laws’ house for thanksgiving. Just us and them… small gathering. Well, we wanted our son to eat the very small amt of food on his plate before we were going to allow the regular t-giving desserts. This is our rule in general. If you don’t eat a decent meal (even if very small), you shouldn’t have the junk food… it’s just not healthy. Well, my MIL hit the roof when we wouldn’t let her give him pie yet. Just really started whining and insisting. Dh tried to stand up to her, and prolly rose his voice… he’s got a short fuse. well, FIL exploded, and in a matter of minutes the “fight” had progressed to the point that we were ordered out of their house.

after that incident, we’ve become very much more laid back about what happens with food at the in-laws. we decided that we’d be firm with our rules in our house, and hope that the spoiling that happens at the GPs won’t harm them. Miraculously, the sense of our mealtime rules seems to have rubbed off a bit on the in-laws (really they had the same rules with their children), and so it’s very much less of an issue now. also, our oldest is finally a lot less picky. and MIL is very careful about following our wishes in TV, books and toys etc.

yow. I can see how you’d be upset. my MIL and my on parents seem on board at least, it’s my husband’s siblings that are the problem. I’m really worried about his side of the family in general, not just about food. their morals are a little loose… there’s alot of language (Lords name in vain. I’ll take the F-bomb over that any day…), and the bil/sil’s kids are completely wild. no control at all. they drink/party more than I did at that age and they’re doing things (high school aged) that I would hit the roof if my kid started (before they were married!). I’m worried about all the bridges ahead of us to cross…

 

[Serap]

A wife who “reams out” her husband - - yikes!

Remember, this is his child as well and he has an equal say in how the child is fed and raised.

WHAT??? He undermined her in front of his family! You are missing the point here. It’s not about equal partnership - he did not treat her as an equal; it’s about the display of respect and supporting eachother in public.

I can speak for myself, but 99% of wives will “ream” out their husband at some point in the marriage…we are human!

 

[PattiDay]

Others have said and I agree that your husband needs to establish his role as a mature man, husband, and father in this new arrangement. It would be very easy to slip into a “son-in-my parents’ home” role. He is better able to address undesired behavior or overreaching intrusion of family members without escalating the situation.

You BIL’s actions were definitely out of order. You were adamant that he not give the baby ice cream and he should have respected that. His initial action was at best thoughtless and childish. But when the baby rejected the ice cream, he continued to force it on her. That was mean and bullying. If I were your husband or mother-in-law, I’d have made it clear that brother would be in a world of trouble if he behaved that way again.

You stated early on in your thread that you see red flags going up for your baby and your marriage. Pay heed to these gut feelings. They are there for a reason. Think about what you’re seeing or feeling that is making you uncomfortable or afraid and share them with your husband in a non-confrontational way. Others have said ‘pick your arguments’, and certainly you may need to give other members of the household some slack as you all get used to being together in the same place.

Your highest priority must always be the health and well being of your baby. A young, first-time mother doesn’t feel confident about her parenting methods 100% of the time. It can be especially intimidating to have family members not take your role as seriously as you do, or comment negatively, or act against your wishes. Seek out other parents with young children like yourself with whom you can share the experiences, joys, and fears, of having a new baby. Don’t allow yourself to become isolated.

Hugs and blessings to you.

 

[ML561]

To whoever is continually posting about God and guns, sorry, they don’t mix. I do not recall anything in scripture about Jesus carrying a rifle. The God and Guns stuff is not compatible with Catholic teaching. I am sorry if this is off the topic on this thread but I keep seeing the “God and Guns” thing everywhere here and felt the need to reply. PEACE!!!

 

[just_me_1]

To whoever is continually posting about God and guns, sorry, they don’t mix. I do not recall anything in scripture about Jesus carrying a rifle. The God and Guns stuff is not compatible with Catholic teaching. I am sorry if this is off the topic on this thread but I keep seeing the “God and Guns” thing everywhere here and felt the need to reply. PEACE!!!

huh?

nobody is posting about God and guns, it is in my signiture line. I am the OP so I suppose I should be able to reply to the thread I started.

I don’t believe Jesus would have had a problem with the second ammendment for us to protect and feed ourselves, our families, and our neighbors. the signature was put on there during the time our president (then candidate) was besmirching us for our love of our liberties, including religious freedom and our right to bear arms. I’m so disgusted with him still that I kept the signiture. I’m sorry if it bothers you but please PM me if you’d like to continue this debate, this is not the place for that. thanks.

 

[just_me_1]

You stated early on in your thread that you see red flags going up for your baby and your marriage. Pay heed to these gut feelings. They are there for a reason. Think about what you’re seeing or feeling that is making you uncomfortable or afraid and share them with your husband in a non-confrontational way.

Yeah I did talk to him about it all. we have since agreed that we will try to find a place far enough away that we can do our thing (our way), but close enough to see everyone. I like his family, they’re good people. they just treat me funny… about the church thing, about how I want to raise my kids, about how things are done in general… I can’t explain it exactly, without a loooooong story… just a gut feeling, like you said, to keep my guard up.

Your highest priority must always be the health and well being of your baby. A young, first-time mother doesn’t feel confident about her parenting methods 100% of the time. It can be especially intimidating to have family members not take your role as seriously as you do, or comment negatively, or act against your wishes. Seek out other parents with young children like yourself with whom you can share the experiences, joys, and fears, of having a new baby. Don’t allow yourself to become isolated.

this is a good idea, thanks. I can’t believe I never thought of this, there’s a catholic girl I know there, not well (her boyfriend is my husbands friend) that seems nice and just had a baby too so I’m sure she could use a friend as much as me.

and you hit the nail on the head, I’m not very confident and when I try to stick to my guns I get eyes rolled at me. I just want to take my baby and hide in the house for a few years, but I need to deal with these people, they’re family, so I’ll make the best of it. I do feel more confident asserting myself when my gut says to though, thanks to everyone here. If this comes up again I plan to set the tone for how my daughter will be treated for the next 18 years.