Dealing with "help" from inlaws

[just_me_1]

Wow, almost this exact same thing happened this past week with my 4 month old (why are these tickers always a few days behind?). My FIL gave my son spoonfuls of iced cream after I explicitly, and multiple times, told him not to. Everyone just laughed. The problem is, we are pretty sure that Josh does have a milk-protein sensitivity, besides the fact that I just don’t want him to have any ‘solids’ before 6 months. He’s been spitting up and having reflux symptoms something awful ever since and I’m very angry. I didn’t show how angry I was or say anything further to FIL, but I wish I had. It doesn’t help that SIL was there as well. She feeds her 1 month old, and has since he was a week old, iced cream every single day.

wow that’s wierd. at least you didn’t run to CAF for reassurance lol! I didn’t show how mad I was either,after the fact, but I’ve been replaying the scenerio over in my little mind all day, and in the replay I heroically dive across the table to my little one’s rescue from the evils of ice cream… LOL

I hope your little guy feels better. I haven’t noticed anything unusual with mine, so I’m assuming it’s fine. this time. I’ll be more protective next time.

 

[kage_ar]

Remember, babies have been eating off the table since time began.

 

[RedSoxWife]

Remember, babies have been eating off the table since time began.

People have been doing a lot of things that aren’t exactly healthy since time began. Parents that want the best nutrition for their children have the right to do just that. My daughter didn’t have anything other than breast milk for the first four months (we would have gone 6 but at almost 20 lbs she needed other nutrition and was actually ready for it). Other parents can do what they want for their kids, but no one has the right to force unhealthy food into a babies mouth going against the child’s wishes. That’s just disrespectful.

 

[just_me_1]

Remember, babies have been eating off the table since time began.

of course, like I said, it wasn’t the ice cream that bothers me, in retrospect. it was the total lack of consideration for my wishes.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I’m just not sure why he didn’t stop when I asked. He had to know how mad I was.

I really don’t care why he didn’t stop. He knew you were mad and he didn’t care. He knew he was blattently disrespecting you on purpose. How many kids he had doesn’t matter or give him any right to say diddly about your kids.

when I tried to stand up DH “sat me back down” and wouldn’t get out of my way. by the time I crawled out

**What does that mean? He sat you down and wouldn’t get out of your way? Listen, fun and games is one thing. There’s been some fun “wrestling” matches and laughing arguments a plenty in this marriage. **

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But when you are obviously angry and being disrespected - that sounds very not fun and not appropriate. I would have packed up and left the party. I probably would have let dh come with me, but there’d be a major heck raising over being spoken to like I was stupid and then being bullied into my seat. And I’d be clear that I didn’t think it was funny. So unfunny that if he did it again I might not leave the party with him next time.

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Serious. I hope you can make me see this as you were both laughing and not seriously upset and that it was all in mutual fun that you were being told to just relax while he strong arms you with a hand on your shoulder or whatever into your seat and everyone laughing at how cute and silly it all is while you feel like poo and get red-faced. Because I be bloody furious over being treated like that. I’m ticked over some gal I don’t know being treated that way.

the ice cream was already getting shoveled back in for round two. sigh. I explained my concerns about developing allergies, about fussyness, and because of the Dr. said, after the fact, then dropped it except for a rather fowl attitude I couldn’t seem to help.gee wonder why a gal would feel irritable? I didn’t actually pick a fight with them. still, they think I’m crazy. **no you are not crazy for making a very basic and common request **

Remember, babies have been eating off the table since time began.

um no not at 4 months
and certainly not anything like desserts

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that aside…

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I don’t think any of this has to do with ice cream or the baby even.

 

[just_me_1]

What does that mean? He sat you down and wouldn’t get out of your way?

yes he kinda patted my leg and quietly told me to relax, it was fine, while he was laughing with the rest of them. and we sat against the wall so I couldn’t get out unless he moved.

I wanted to leave but we were staying the night. so that’s why I’m pretty sure DH’s mom heard the bru-ha-ha that went on after lights out. I was to pissed to be quiet and tactful.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

yes he kinda patted my leg and quietly told me to relax, it was fine, while he was laughing with the rest of them. and we sat against the wall so I couldn’t get out unless he moved.

I wanted to leave but we were staying the night. so that’s why I’m pretty sure DH’s mom heard the bru-ha-ha that went on after lights out. I was to pissed to be quiet and tactful.

Well not abuse, thank goodness.

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But still a nasty way to treat a wife. A pat like you are some silly puppy.

I hope you get to a point to laugh at this. For me, that would be wayyyyyyyy later. Like when the baby is 14.

 

[just_me_1]

Well not abuse, thank goodness.

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But still a nasty way to treat a wife. A pat like you are some silly puppy.

I hope you get to a point to laugh at this. For me, that would be wayyyyyyyy later. Like when the baby is 14.

I was pissed that he didn’t back me up, for sure. then I was pissed at his lack of concern for the baby. He didn’t mean to be mean or nasty, I’m sure, he’s not that way. I think he was just wanting to let his family enjoy the baby and thought I was being overparanoid (I do get that way about the baby!).

I do think that’s worked out. I’m sure they’ll give me an opportunity to see if he learned…

but yeah, I’m trying very hard not to let it bother me, it is very petty really, but I’m not ready to laugh at myself either.

 

[little_flower_1]

I was pissed that he didn’t back me up, for sure. then I was pissed at his lack of concern for the baby. He didn’t mean to be mean or nasty, I’m sure, he’s not that way. I think he was just wanting to let his family enjoy the baby and thought I was being overparanoid (I do get that way about the baby!).

My hubby did pretty much the same thing at first, and I felt the same way. It took me reminding him about the suspected intolerance to make him get up to take the baby away, but by that time baby had spit up (hmmm, I wonder why? ) all over FIL, so he wanted to hand him off anyhow and thus missed the point. Hubs just doesn’t think about these things the way I do, and it is true that I’m over-paranoid about a lot of things as it is (new mommy syndrome, yep, I has it).

of course, like I said, it wasn’t the ice cream that bothers me, in retrospect. it was the total lack of consideration for my wishes.

This. It was one thing for my husband, the dad, to let him lick his ice pop at one point (which I caught him doing one day when I heard him exclaim ‘look! your tongue is turning GREEN’ ), but my FIL should have respected my wishes on the matter.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I was pissed that he didn’t back me up, for sure. then I was pissed at his lack of concern for the baby. He didn’t mean to be mean or nasty, I’m sure, he’s not that way. I think he was just wanting to let his family enjoy the baby and thought I was being overparanoid (I do get that way about the baby!).

I do think that’s worked out. I’m sure they’ll give me an opportunity to see if he learned…

but yeah, I’m trying very hard not to let it bother me, it is very petty really, but I’m not ready to laugh at myself either.

My hubby did pretty much the same thing at first, and I felt the same way. It took me reminding him about the suspected intolerance to make him get up to take the baby away, but by that time baby had spit up (hmmm, I wonder why? ) all over FIL, so he wanted to hand him off anyhow and thus missed the point. Hubs just doesn’t think about these things the way I do, and it is true that I’m over-paranoid about a lot of things as it is (new mommy syndrome, yep, I has it).

This. It was one thing for my husband, the dad, to let him lick his ice pop at one point (which I caught him doing one day when I heard him exclaim ‘look! your tongue is turning GREEN’ ), but my FIL should have respected my wishes on the matter.

Interesting that you both had similar situations on the same weekend. You both certainly aren’t the only new moms that have had something like this happen.

You’ll probably find throughout your child’s life that you are more cautious than your husband. Moms and dads usually parent differently. Quite honestly, children need both–one to encourage the child to try new things and another to encourage care and caution. (As the cautious mom, it nearly kills me to watch some of the things my husband does with our kids. Sometimes I just have to close my eyes.) Yet, it’s best if parents try to work out their differences away from in-laws and extended family. When husbands allows their family members to do something that you don’t agree with, it’s probably easier in the short run to blame the problem on the in-laws rather than your spouse, but it’s not entirely fair.

 

[maryjk]

He was holding her across the table from me and I couldn’t get to her, or I would have. when I tried to stand up DH “sat me back down” and wouldn’t get out of my way. by the time I crawled out the ice cream was already getting shoveled back in for round two. sigh. I explained my concerns about developing allergies, about fussyness, and because of the Dr. said, after the fact, then dropped it except for a rather fowl attitude I couldn’t seem to help. I didn’t actually pick a fight with them. still, they think I’m crazy. oh well, my kid’s gonna get raised healthy and right, they can’t say that about theirs.

Thanks again for letting me vent. I’m still hot about the whole situation but I feel a little better!

That would have been the end of the evening. Your husband has no right to sit you back down or block you from your child. :nope:

Now, my in-laws also tried to give our son food before he was ready, toys that were too old for him and tried to allow him to do things he shouldn’t, like ride the lawn mower with Granddad.

But my husband backed me every time. He always said, I did the reading and research, I talked to the doctor and therefore, I knew best.

It is time for a conversation with your husband, so he knows where you stand, and that he needs to back you.

 

[Sabda]

just_me;5750082:

um no not at 4 months

and certainly not anything like desserts

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that aside…

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I don’t think any of this has to do with ice cream or the baby even.

I agree, it has nothing to do with ice cream and everything to do with the lack of respect that was shown to the mom.

My sil did this when my second was that age. He was sitting on my lap at the time. I simply picked up the spit cloth and wiped it out of his mouth and told her he was too young and that he didn’t need ice cream. She made noises and pouted but she got the message. My baby, my rules!

Just me,

Next time simply take the baby away from them. If they are not going to listen to you than they can’t play with the baby. Don’t fight, beg, or argue with them over it. Just simply take the baby away from them and remind them that you are the mom. They will get the message.

He was holding her across the table from me and I couldn’t get to her, or I would have. when I tried to stand up DH “sat me back down” and wouldn’t get out of my way. by the time I crawled out the ice cream was already getting shoveled back in for round two.

I agree with Maryjk. If dh had done that to me that party would have been over, no doubt about it. I hope your dh, Just Me, understands how wrong he was to do that. He needs to realize that you are a team and as such you need to work together. He did not work with you that night but against you.

 

[jessicaAKAmommy]

Ugh. I know where you’re coming from on this. It’s so hard to put into words how it feels… I think the main issue is not having DH’s support. Second is the disrespect from the in-laws. Trust me, it took a lot to kee from smacking SIL who insisted on shoving chocolate frosting in my then 3 month old’s face while he kept trying to spit it out. You need to make sure DH has your back, even if he doesn’t completely agree.

 

[bgic]

I am getting angry just reading the original post. I disagree with most of the posters on here that you should let the issue slide away…

No dairy before 1-yr is a great reason to not let your baby have ice cream. Plus, babies should not get any sweet foods, desserts, etc because that is all they will want to eat. They could start getting very selective about what they will and will not eat.

Put your foot down. It’s for the best.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I am getting angry just reading the original post. I disagree with most of the posters on here that you should let the issue slide away…

No dairy before 1-yr is a great reason to not let your baby have ice cream. Plus, babies should not get any sweet foods, desserts, etc because that is all they will want to eat. They could start getting very selective about what they will and will not eat.

Put your foot down. It’s for the best.

Well I don’t agree with you.
But again the point isn’t really about food anyways.
It’s about respecting the mom of the child.

 

[Jengl]

It’s been a while, but I’m back on CAF. We sold our place and are in the process of moving home. I see so many red flags going up around me for my baby and marriage though, it’s not even funny.

My inlaws try to tell me how to raise my baby (mind you they have kids who are having babies at 15!). I can deal with that and smile and nod. but last night, while holding my 4 month old daughter (my first), my brother in law fed her ice cream!!! I asked, begged, told him no, and he did it anyways, and everyone told me to relax, she’ll be fine. including DH! so it spaqned a huge fight with DH last night. Am I overreacting? Should I let people do things against my wishes to avoid from upsetting the apple cart? if they do, what do I do? I don’t want to be known as the psycho wife, but I need to do what’s best for my baby!

my inlaws are good people I just can’t stand the thought of them undermining me like that. Advice and similar situations are truly appreciated. God bless!

This reminds me of a time when my husband gave my infant daughter (3 months old) a little whipped cream during a holiday dinner. We spent the next day dealing with the natural consequence of that - many diapers later I asked my husband to please listen to me next time At the time I also didn’t want to make a scene in front of his family. However, as a mom of 3 now ( two with serious medical conditions) I realize that I could have jeapordized my daughter’s health over the anxiety of not to upset anyone ( I don’t like conflict).

The bottom line is that God put you in charge of this little one. He wants this baby to grow up and love Him and fulfill her job here on earth what ever that may be. You’re the parent and you know instinctually what is good for your child. I think if you tactfully suggest that ice cream is made of milk and her doctor expressly told you not to give cow’s milk to a baby under 1 ( I’m assuming that’s true - most peds will tell you this at check ups. ), that your family should understand. Did your child happen to get sick after the ice cream? If so, the next time this comes up, mention that you didn’t want to argue last time and then the baby was sick afterwards…

People all over your life will try to tell you how to raise your child. But the ultimate decision is with you and your husband. Lots of times I say something like, " I know I’m acting paranoid new mom, but I really feel…" (Even though you’re not paranoid lol - sometimes people take things better when it’s put that way)

Hope that helped.
God Bless

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

What really should be automatic when dealing with someone else’s child is, “is it ok for baby to have xyz?” and wait for mom’s answer, and listen to her. It avoids a great deal of hassles, imho. I can’t imagine giving my nieces or nephews something that their parent said “no” to.

I totally understand the hard feelings.

 

[dixieagle]

thanks again guys, I feel a little better yet. I am gonna let this go and try to be a little more relaxed but I guess I feel confident in standing my ground next time. It’s a full day later and I’m still steamed up over the whole thing!

Oh yeah, the fight was between DH and myself, alone in the bedroom. I’m not sure though, that my MIL didn’t hear it! oh well, she was a new mom once too.

I don’t know if DH really understands and agrees with me, but at this point, I have him buffaloed into backing me up or else face the wrath of mama bear again, LOL. that’ll work for now.

the BIL raised 2 kids and 5 stepkids, so he should have known better. but he is a super good guy that really truly loves kids, I’m just not sure why he didn’t stop when I asked. He had to know how mad I was. He was holding her across the table from me and I couldn’t get to her, or I would have. when I tried to stand up DH “sat me back down” and wouldn’t get out of my way. by the time I crawled out the ice cream was already getting shoveled back in for round two. sigh. I explained my concerns about developing allergies, about fussyness, and because of the Dr. said, after the fact, then dropped it except for a rather fowl attitude I couldn’t seem to help. I didn’t actually pick a fight with them. still, they think I’m crazy. oh well, my kid’s gonna get raised healthy and right, they can’t say that about theirs.

you know he told me he was gonna feed her ice cream, chocolate frosting, and other stuff. I thought he was kidding but still told him no earlier in the day, just in case. I won’t leave her alone with them now, that’s for sure. not until she’s older. How sad is it I’d rather hire a sitter to do things my way if I have to than leave her with family for free…

Thanks again for letting me vent. I’m still hot about the whole situation but I feel a little better!

Let them think you’re crazy; this is your child, and you clearly seem to have more sense about what’s good for her than the rest of them.

A previous poster was correct about the link with food allergies; had anyone been stupid enough to try that with my child, they likely would have been missing fingers. (My younger daughter was diagnosed as being about the most lactose-intolerant child the doctor had ever seen, based on the test.)

You sound like a good young mom who has some problems asserting yourself; do it anyway. Mama Bear usually knows best. (And Papa Bear had BETTER get on the same page with you and back you up with his family.)

This was NOT a “little thing”; it was something that could, at least, have made your child uncomfortable and upset her tummy. At worst, it was an example of in-laws not respecting your wishes, when you (and your husband) have every right to dictate the rules for your child.

 

[dixieagle]

Ugh. I know where you’re coming from on this. It’s so hard to put into words how it feels… I think the main issue is not having DH’s support. Second is the disrespect from the in-laws. Trust me, it took a lot to kee from smacking SIL who insisted on shoving chocolate frosting in my then 3 month old’s face while he kept trying to spit it out. You need to make sure DH has your back, even if he doesn’t completely agree.

You’re more patient than I; I would have smacked the SIL!!!

 

[ryecroft]

O.K. - I think I’m in the minority here, but having dealt with inlaws before, I must say that I think you were right to be upset- as you said not because of what she was given but because you said “no”. You are the mother, the prime care giver and she’s only 4 months old-if they can’t understand you’re protective f her, then they need to step back - I would take the brother-in-law aside privately and tell him that if I say no, I do not wish to be undermined and that if he can’t respect your boundaries than he doesn’t need to be around his neice- it may start at icecream at 4 months- but if they don’t do as you ask when you’re right there, how much better do you think they’re going to follow your directions if you leave her with them for a few hours or a few days? I’m not trying to over react here but they need to understand where you’re coming from and I don’t believe that your husbands mother can not understand this. I’d rather come off as having a hissy fit than have something bad happen to her.
Just my opinion -
Ryecroft