Dealing with Husband's Past

[RTRT88]

My husband and I have been together for about two and a half years, married for almost one year. When we were dating and newly married, my husband would frequently bring up how his co-workers would talk about pornography and that they were very casual with it. My husband would frequently tell me that he “had no use for porn” and that there was “no reason he would ever need to look at it.” He would reassure me that I am a beautiful and smart person, and he is very lucky to be married to me. I believed him, hook, line, and sinker. I never even felt the need to ask him about it or search on the computer. While he was at work one night (we had been married only 3 months) I got online to look at my e-mail. The computer asked if I wanted to “restore the website” that apparently shut down earlier. I thought it wouldn’t matter, so I clicked “yes.” To my disbelief and disgust, and very raunchy pornography website popped up on my screen. I panicked, and shut the window. I felt very betrayed at this one website I found, and didn’t talk to my husband that night. Early in the morning, I took a road trip with my parents. I was very upset at one website. When I returned home, I wanted to reassure myself that it was only one website and that this was a one-time curious deal. To my further astonishment, the internet browser history was filled with multiple pornography websites, dating back as far as the history went, and there were visits weekly, sometimes more than once a day. I felt so betrayed and so broken-hearted. I could not believe that the person I trusted so much, and loved so much, would hurt me in such a perverted way. I called him immediately for an explanation. He came home for a brief moment, and I couldn’t even listen to him. I stayed at my parents house for three days before even talking to my husband. My parents had absolutely no advice for me, and were as equally disappointed. I still cannot to this day understand why he lied without me even bringing it up. We had a non-denominational Christian pastor come to our house to talk to us because I was too embarrassed to talk to my life-long priest about the situation. He helped me realize that we got married for a reason, and to not leave my husband. He tried to offer any explanation for why my husband did this, and tried to tell me that it wasn’t anything to do with me. The excuse that “All guys do this” is not one I am willing to accept. I know there are good guys out there. My husband IS a good guy, but I am so deeply hurt that I still struggle with intimacy and honesty 7 months later. I cannot get over this issue. I cannot find it in my heart to fully forgive him and move on. It is ripping me apart. I know it is bothering him as well, but he is no longer patient with my healing. He will not talk to me or help me to understand the WHY of why he did this to me. I seriously considered suicide when I found out; my world was so shattered. I am still struggling with body image and trust on a daily basis. I have begun changing my appearance in an effort to please my husband, even though he says it has nothing to do with how I look. I constantly pray for God to help me forgive my husband completely and to move on with our lives. Our marriage is slowly dwindling away, and my husband is acting like he doesn’t want to hold onto it much longer. I am still so ashamed that my husband had this dirty secret, that I cannot talk to my friends, family, or local parish staff about this problem. I wish it never happened, but I can’t take the past back. He swears he has not looked at any pornography since that day, but I still have my doubts. Some days I feel like I am going crazy! I find myself unhappy, depressed, and with no desire to be affectionate or intimate with my husband. I need help, and want help through the church, but do not know where to turn. Please help!! I need some guidance.

 

[pamnbam]

Hi, and welcome!

I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s addiction, and especially the fact that he lied to you about it. Don’t think that you are the reason for his addiction. He’s been “reassuring” you of all these positives about you (beautiful, smart, etc.), but you were all those things before he said anything about it. First, no matter what else he says, DO NOT allow him to blame you for his addiction.

Both the lying and the porn need to be addressed. Have you tried Catholic Counseling? I know you didn’t want to call in your priest, but there might be other priests the two of you can go to talk to.

Does your husband go to Mass regularly with you? Reconciliation? Has he fallen away? I would suggest that counseling is definitely the place to start.

Are you able to put filters on your computer to block those types of websites? Put the computer in a public area in the house? There are little things you can do to help your husband.

You are in our prayers.

 

[PJD1987]

Number one, I would strongly urge you both to seek some type of counseling together from a Priest and/or a Catholic friendly marriage counselor. In addition, I’d just say that pornography is an addiction just like any drug, and has feelings of shame and self-hatred associated with it and would most likely explain why it was kept a secret. It is a disease and a sickness and if your husband is struggling with it, then support from you might be helpful, as hard as it may be. Rather than focusing on how hurtful it is to you, which of course it is, focusing on your pain and suffering to the exclusion of his pain and suffering through this addiction probably will not help the situation. It’s a difficult thing to deal with in any family, but we need to be able to talk about these things with each other in relationships, and seek out the help available. Priests deal with these situations constantly, and know how destructive pornography can be to families and relationships, same goes for marriage counselors. Along with following that route I would engage in deep prayer and work with your husband through these issues instead of focusing on why it happened then and insisting on an adequate explanation. There may simply never be an adequate explanation to your liking and it will just increase the rift between the two of you. No one is perfect, everyone has their skeletons in their closet, but that does not negate everything else. Keeping these feelings to yourself and giving your husband the cold shoulder and making him feel worse about the situation may have contributed to the fact that he does not want to talk to you about it anymore. If you let this destroy you and consume you from the inside and destroy your marriage and rip apart the trust you had in your husband, you are letting the Father of Lies infiltrate your marriage and destroy it, do not let that happen!!!

I certainly will be praying for you and your marriage, the grace of forgiveness and healing, patience and humility. Know that you are not alone, there are tons of people struggling with this issue, and if you are determined to make it through, you will, with a deep devotion to a prayer life, anything is possible. Pray to Mary the Mother of the Lord, the epitome of Chastity and Purity, and God bless you!

 

[PJD1987]

Hi, and welcome!

I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s addiction, and especially the fact that he lied to you about it. Don’t think that you are the reason for his addiction. He’s been “reassuring” you of all these positives about you (beautiful, smart, etc.), but you were all those things before he said anything about it. First, no matter what else he says, DO NOT allow him to blame you for his addiction.

Both the lying and the porn need to be addressed. Have you tried Catholic Counseling? I know you didn’t want to call in your priest, but there might be other priests the two of you can go to talk to.

Does your husband go to Mass regularly with you? Reconciliation? Has he fallen away? I would suggest that counseling is definitely the place to start.

Are you able to put filters on your computer to block those types of websites? Put the computer in a public area in the house? There are little things you can do to help your husband.

You are in our prayers.

I also agree with everything here, I did not mean to in anyway legitimize your husbands actions, but merely to illustrate the fact that it is a sickness and addiction that needs to be dealt with love…tough love, but love nonetheless…

 

[RTRT88]

Thank you for your replies, and helpful advice. My husband and I both work “shift work” - and it is difficult to attend church together, although we do when we are able. We went last Sunday, and it felt great to be there together.

My husband is disgusted that I am calling this an “addiction.” When I asked him if he would have come clean and just told me that he was doing this on a daily basis, he replied “I don’t know.” I told him that to me, that is the definition of an addiction. I don’t think he would have stopped had I not discovered it the hard way. He has mentioned going to counseling, but we are unable to afford any professional marital counseling. Do you know if the church does anything like that for free? And especially confidentially??

 

[PJD1987]

Thank you for your replies, and helpful advice. My husband and I both work “shift work” - and it is difficult to attend church together, although we do when we are able. We went last Sunday, and it felt great to be there together.

My husband is disgusted that I am calling this an “addiction.” When I asked him if he would have come clean and just told me that he was doing this on a daily basis, he replied “I don’t know.” I told him that to me, that is the definition of an addiction. I don’t think he would have stopped had I not discovered it the hard way. He has mentioned going to counseling, but we are unable to afford any professional marital counseling. Do you know if the church does anything like that for free? And especially confidentially??

Speak to your Priest, if he won’t do it, he’ll at least have some contacts for you I’m sure.

 

[PJM]

=RTRT88;7959473]My husband and I have been together for about two and a half years, married for almost one year. When we were dating and newly married, my husband would frequently bring up how his co-workers would talk about pornography and that they were very casual with it. My husband would frequently tell me that he “had no use for porn” and that there was “no reason he would ever need to look at it.” He would reassure me that I am a beautiful and smart person, and he is very lucky to be married to me. I believed him, hook, line, and sinker. I never even felt the need to ask him about it or search on the computer. While he was at work one night (we had been married only 3 months) I got online to look at my e-mail. The computer asked if I wanted to “restore the website” that apparently shut down earlier. I thought it wouldn’t matter, so I clicked “yes.” To my disbelief and disgust, and very raunchy pornography website popped up on my screen. I panicked, and shut the window. I felt very betrayed at this one website I found, and didn’t talk to my husband that night. Early in the morning, I took a road trip with my parents. I was very upset at one website. When I returned home, I wanted to reassure myself that it was only one website and that this was a one-time curious deal. To my further astonishment, the internet browser history was filled with multiple pornography websites, dating back as far as the history went, and there were visits weekly, sometimes more than once a day. I felt so betrayed and so broken-hearted. I could not believe that the person I trusted so much, and loved so much, would hurt me in such a perverted way. I called him immediately for an explanation. He came home for a brief moment, and I couldn’t even listen to him. I stayed at my parents house for three days before even talking to my husband. My parents had absolutely no advice for me, and were as equally disappointed. I still cannot to this day understand why he lied without me even bringing it up. We had a non-denominational Christian pastor come to our house to talk to us because I was too embarrassed to talk to my life-long priest about the situation. He helped me realize that we got married for a reason, and to not leave my husband. He tried to offer any explanation for why my husband did this, and tried to tell me that it wasn’t anything to do with me. The excuse that “All guys do this” is not one I am willing to accept. I know there are good guys out there. My husband IS a good guy, but I am so deeply hurt that I still struggle with intimacy and honesty 7 months later. I cannot get over this issue. I cannot find it in my heart to fully forgive him and move on. It is ripping me apart. I know it is bothering him as well, but he is no longer patient with my healing. He will not talk to me or help me to understand the WHY of why he did this to me. I seriously considered suicide when I found out; my world was so shattered. I am still struggling with body image and trust on a daily basis. I have begun changing my appearance in an effort to please my husband, even though he says it has nothing to do with how I look. I constantly pray for God to help me forgive my husband completely and to move on with our lives. Our marriage is slowly dwindling away, and my husband is acting like he doesn’t want to hold onto it much longer. I am still so ashamed that my husband had this dirty secret, that I cannot talk to my friends, family, or local parish staff about this problem. I wish it never happened, but I can’t take the past back. He swears he has not looked at any pornography since that day, but I still have my doubts. Some days I feel like I am going crazy! I find myself unhappy, depressed, and with no desire to be affectionate or intimate with my husband. I need help, and want help through the church, but do not know where to turn. Please help!! I need some guidance.

Didn’t Jesus say something about: “let him without sin cast the first stone.”

I’m not making excuses for hubby! What he is doing is wrong and ADDICTIVE!

TRY [with God’s help] to aid him in getting over this problem. If you ONLY pull away from him your aiding the problem.

1Cor.7: 1" Now concerning the matters about which you wrote. It is well for a man not to touch a woman. [2] But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3] The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. [4] For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. [5] Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control."

YOU should ask your Confessor priest for advice. Let him direct your responce. Like all other ADDICTIONS this can ONLY be broken by God’s direct intervention.

If your husband were on drugs or alchol would your reaction be the same. Hace you asked hubby WHY he’s using porn? AND IF he’s aware of it’s effect on your marriage?

GET TO YOUR PRIEST ASAP as a priority! And in particular pray a rosary every day asking Mary to help you BOTH!

God Bless,
Pat

 

[pamnbam]

My husband is disgusted that I am calling this an “addiction.” When I asked him if he would have come clean and just told me that he was doing this on a daily basis, he replied “I don’t know.” I told him that to me, that is the definition of an addiction. I don’t think he would have stopped had I not discovered it the hard way. He has mentioned going to counseling, but we are unable to afford any professional marital counseling. Do you know if the church does anything like that for free? And especially confidentially??

He’s disgusted because he’s trying to fight the truth and possibly rationalize his actions. I believe some priests can do a few counseling sessions, but like PJD1987 said, he can definitely point you in the right direction.

 

[RTRT88]

Thank you all. I truly appreciate that you are trying to help us through this. I have contacted my diocese about any resources/counseling/guidance they may be able to offer. I want to overcome this issue, and move on from my pain. I will take all your advice to heart!

 

[nodito]

My husband is disgusted that I am calling this an “addiction.”

It seems like addiction is a much kinder diagnosis than the alternative, which is that your husband freely chose to do something damaging to your marriage and hurtful to you and then lied about it in a calculating manner. Addiction at least leaves room for reduced culpability. Pornography is addictive and while that in no way absolves him or reduces your hurt, it should be part of the discussion.

I second the suggestion of moving the computer into a common area like the kitchen or family room. I would also ask him if he would mind putting a filter on the computer and giving you the password, both for your peace of mind and to help him resist temptation. I would do this with his knowledge and consent. I don’t think husbands or wives should ever be treated like children.

Finally, it’s easy for an anonymous poster to recommend daily prayer as a cure-all, but if we as Catholics truly believe that God hears our prayers and that as our Heavenly Father he knows how to give good things to his children, then you and your marriage can only benefit by storming heaven with prayers. Commit to the rosary or adoration or the chaplet of divine mercy daily and you’ll be drenched with grace. It’s the only thing powerful enough to overcome addiction. You might also consider asking your husband to pray three Hail Marys daily.

God bless.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Actually you are not suffering from a husband who is just indulging in an “addiction” . . . your husband has been indulging in the . . . grave mortal sin of “adultery” . . . he has completely broken fellowship with God Himself . . . as well as having broken the marriage covenant with you as his bride by disrespecting you as his wife . . . and willfully breaking his marriage vows . . . and he has broken the holy seal of . . . **and defiled **. . . your marriage bed with his adulterous behaviour . . . it’s no wonder you went into shock with your dreadful discovery of his most unholy “secret” life . . . you’ve discovered that your marriage partner is riddled with the disease of mortal sin . . .

:bible1:
[Jesus talking]
But I say to you,
that whosoever shall look on a woman
to lust after her,
hath already committed
adultery
with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:28

What you discovered is that your husband has continuously been unfaithful in his heart . . . and it is very likely that this sin of fornication/adultery via the internet became active in his life long before you married him . . . in addition to adultery he is also clearly an accomplished habitual liar . . . **another sin **. . . which radically opens up questions about the actual foundation of your marriage . . . through his dishonestly breaching the trust you placed in him as a supposedly honest person . . .

Forgiving him is necessary . . . yes . . . absolutely . . . however . . . living with a licentious pervasive evil such as adulterly as a part of your life each day . . . is another thing entirely . . . dear child . . . you really need to talk to a wise priest as to how to handle this most unholy reality you’ve been thrust into knowledge of having invaded your personal life . . . and should children be brought into this toxic environment containing this evil . . . they can’t help but be gravely affected by such a soul so corrupted by constant sin . . . and the adulterous marriage relationship your husband has thrust upon you is a sad example for you and your children to be a part of . . . which you have now been allowed to come into knowledge of as the real truth of your marriage . . .

My deepest sympathies go out to you . . . but now that **God **has allowed this door to knowledge of the actual TRUTH of this pernicious evil that has invaded your life and home . . . to remain loving and holy in your own life . . . you need real help sorting out what you need to do . . . you need to . . . **take control of this situation for your sake ** . . . since he has abdicated his marriage vows . . . and discover what is best for you and your life . . . and your children if you have any . . . to continuing living in holiness in the Lord . . . . . . and I can’t believe that keeping the marriage bed open to an adultererous husband is in any way possible a good thing . . . unless this individual sincerely enters into therapy and deep therapeutic and spiritual counseling . . .and has dedicated himself to leaving this mortally sinful practice behind . . . and gone to confession . . . committing his heart and his life to the mercy of God . . . for Jesus Holy Name’s sake . . . and for the sake of his marriage and his family . . .

" … “And** Jesus** said:
Thou shalt do no murder,
Thou shalt not commit
adultery,
Thou shalt not steal,
Thou shalt not bear
false witness.”
Matthew 19:18

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . Dear Crucified Lord our Saviour+
. . . have mercy+
. . . Gracious Heavenly Father have mercy+
. . . Spirit of our Holy God have mercy+​

​

 

[Gordon_Sims]

One of the biggest problems here–and with everyone who goes through a similar issue–is that the person with the addiction and society in general don’t view it as an addiction. The mainstream media scoffs at the idea and wants to liken it to watching movies. It’s something fun, it adds spice to your relationship, women love it just as much as men, etc. You find yourself fighting a very lonely battle because so many people think you’re fighting a boogeyman. Even the afflicted person thinks you’re nuts because you’re complaining about something “everyone” does, and going so far as to call it an addiction. I mean, if everyone does it, it can’t be wrong, right?

I went through the same thing myself and was lucky enough to have an epiphany that made me realize in a flash just how much of an addiction it really was, and what a horrible impact it had taken on my marriage and my wife. My wife was thrilled that I turned the corner, so to speak, but it had already done a lot of damage and it still has occasional repercussions. The best thing on earth for me, though, was a loving, supportive wife and a full trust that my prayers were being heard.

Until the OP’s husband recognizes it for what it really is, she’s going to have a very difficult time making any headway. Keep praying, but at the same time, don’t ever blame yourself. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. He doesn’t do it because of how you look, how you dress, whether you are or aren’t intimate with him, etc. Do whatever you can to get him to understand how it makes you feel. Try everything you can to get him to see the Church’s point of view on it. If he finally decides to truly change, be as patient and supportive as you can be.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for your replies, and helpful advice. My husband and I both work “shift work” - and it is difficult to attend church together, although we do when we are able. We went last Sunday, and it felt great to be there together.

My husband is disgusted that I am calling this an “addiction.” When I asked him if he would have come clean and just told me that he was doing this on a daily basis, he replied “I don’t know.” I told him that to me, that is the definition of an addiction. I don’t think he would have stopped had I not discovered it the hard way. He has mentioned going to counseling, but we are unable to afford any professional marital counseling. Do you know if the church does anything like that for free? And especially confidentially??

He is disgusted with YOU for calling it an addiction??? He LIED to you and was looking at porn and he is disgusted with the name you call the problem?? He should be taking active measures to stop doing this, and to make up for the lies to you. HE should be the one putting the filter on his computer, in fact, right now he shouldn’t even HAVE a computer unless he can use it in your company. He needs to get himself into a male support group NOW and start proving that he can stay clean. Yes, go to counseling but you make sure to tell the priest or whomever counsels you that the trust has been broken and that YOU have done nothing wrong.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Rest assured that you are not alone. It doesn’t give much comfort but perhaps some, in a way.

 

[RTRT88]

Thank you for your post, Gordon. It is great to hear that you were able to overcome this addiction, and continue on with your relationship with your wife and God. I sincerely hope my relationships continue down that same path.

 

[Mamanurse]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too have a husband who views porn. As far as I know, he has stopped in the past year. I finally gave up asking about, it made me crazy and put a huge thorn in our marriage. If he did fail, I would be angry, upset, feel threatened and feel unloved. He promised me a year ago that he wouldn’t watch it anymore, I asked him once after that promise was made and he said that he had fallen. I again became enraged with him. After much prayer and tears, I came to realize that this is his sin, not mine. I continue to pray for my husband each day. I pray that he is remaining faithful to his promise. I honestly haven’t asked in several months because I am afraid of what he will say. I guess I am ignoring the elephant in the room, and living happily in my ignorant bliss. Sad, I know. But our marriage hasn’t been the smoothest, so I am content not knowing for now. Is that wrong? Should I be acknowledging this issue on a frequent basis? My Dh is not catholic or really any faith…so speaking of what the church teaches means nothing to him. I feel your pain, but something that Christ asks of all of us is to forgive. As hard as it is, that is what He calls us to do. Good luck.

 

[RTRT88]

Mamanurse - how do you deal with “the elephant in the room” on a daily basis? When my husband tries to be affectionate with me, I pull away without even realizing it. I can’t even bring myself to kiss him goodbye somedays. I am not afraid of bringing the issue up with him, because I would rather know the truth, as hard as it can be sometimes. But I would rather know what is going on than living a lie, so to speak. Do you have any advice for prayer or any parts of the bible you focus on? I’m sure you can relate to the deep pain and distrust I am feeling.

 

[1inICXC]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too have a husband who views porn. As far as I know, he has stopped in the past year. I finally gave up asking about, it made me crazy and put a huge thorn in our marriage. If he did fail, I would be angry, upset, feel threatened and feel unloved. He promised me a year ago that he wouldn’t watch it anymore, I asked him once after that promise was made and he said that he had fallen. I again became enraged with him. After much prayer and tears, I came to realize that this is his sin, not mine. I continue to pray for my husband each day. I pray that he is remaining faithful to his promise. I honestly haven’t asked in several months because I am afraid of what he will say. I guess I am ignoring the elephant in the room, and living happily in my ignorant bliss. Sad, I know. But our marriage hasn’t been the smoothest, so I am content not knowing for now. Is that wrong? Should I be acknowledging this issue on a frequent basis? My Dh is not catholic or really any faith…so speaking of what the church teaches means nothing to him. I feel your pain, but something that Christ asks of all of us is to forgive. As hard as it is, that is what He calls us to do. Good luck.

When the spouse is not a practicing Catholic there are certain limitations to what you can expect In terms of love, respect and fidelity. Without Christ, certain virtues lose meaning and seem even absurd or untrainable. Like you said, I’m sure there are also other issues if you are dealing with a non- Christian spouse and I would imagine that if you tried to live your marriage according to Christian standards it would be a huge frustration. What you are doing must be really hard but I trust that your prayers will turn your husband in the husband that you deserve.

In regard to the OP she seems to have a catholic husband who goes to church so he is much more liable for his action. I think it is also exceptionally hard to get over an issue when the one who caused doesn’t put everything into cooperating and fixing it.
I would definitely have a much harder time regaining my trust in someone who doesn’t seem 100% dedicated to right his wrongs than in someone who is full of remorse, consideration and willing to repair.

I will pray for the OP it is horrible to go through this kind of deliberate and calculated betrayal- making up lies about not doing the precise thing that you are doing truly implies there are some grave issues with deceit. It feels horrible to be hurt by something so irreversible. May the Lord have mercy on you both!

 

[Mamanurse]

Mamanurse - how do you deal with “the elephant in the room” on a daily basis? When my husband tries to be affectionate with me, I pull away without even realizing it. I can’t even bring myself to kiss him goodbye somedays. I am not afraid of bringing the issue up with him, because I would rather know the truth, as hard as it can be sometimes. But I would rather know what is going on than living a lie, so to speak. Do you have any advice for prayer or any parts of the bible you focus on? I’m sure you can relate to the deep pain and distrust I am feeling.

I guess the way I deal with it is daily forgiveness and ask the Blessed Mother and St Joseph that I have the strength to deal with his past and move on. We have a special needs child, so to have constant tension in our home is not something I could live with. I need to be an example to my spouse. If I remain resentful and unloving towards his sins and past, how am I being a role model for my child and husband? How am I fulfilling my role as his wife? Abeit, he has failed at fulfilling his role as my husband, but I too made a vow. Another thing I realized is that life to too short to hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Daily prayer is what keeps me sane and helps me move past…that is the best advice that I can give. Another thing, you need to focus on his good traits! I wrote a list in my journal, it helped remind me of the reasons why I married him. God Bless.

 

[GraceDK]

My husband and I have been together for about two and a half years, married for almost one year. When we were dating and newly married, my husband would frequently bring up how his co-workers would talk about pornography and that they were very casual with it. My husband would frequently tell me that he “had no use for porn” and that there was “no reason he would ever need to look at it.” He would reassure me that I am a beautiful and smart person, and he is very lucky to be married to me. I believed him, hook, line, and sinker. I never even felt the need to ask him about it or search on the computer. While he was at work one night (we had been married only 3 months) I got online to look at my e-mail. The computer asked if I wanted to “restore the website” that apparently shut down earlier. I thought it wouldn’t matter, so I clicked “yes.” To my disbelief and disgust, and very raunchy pornography website popped up on my screen. I panicked, and shut the window. I felt very betrayed at this one website I found, and didn’t talk to my husband that night. Early in the morning, I took a road trip with my parents. I was very upset at one website. When I returned home, I wanted to reassure myself that it was only one website and that this was a one-time curious deal. To my further astonishment, the internet browser history was filled with multiple pornography websites, dating back as far as the history went, and there were visits weekly, sometimes more than once a day. I felt so betrayed and so broken-hearted. I could not believe that the person I trusted so much, and loved so much, would hurt me in such a perverted way. .

I don’t know you but my blood boils just by reading your post.
Your husband has disrespected you in the vilest of ways, both through his unfaithfulness and his hiding of the fact.
He was not marriage material when you met him (no addict is), and you possibly wouldn’t have married him had you known that he was daily having virtual sex with other women.
That means that your marriage is probably invalid. Its worth looking into that.
Your husband was caught… he didn’t confess and change out of love.
Sorry, but what a disgusting thing he has done to you.

 

[GraceDK]

If your husband were on drugs or alchol would your reaction be the same. Hace you asked hubby WHY he’s using porn? AND IF he’s aware of it’s effect on your marriage?

You do realise that hidden drug or alcohol abuse at the time of marriage is grounds for invalidity of marriage, right? The same of course with porn, which is much different from these other addictions in that it enters into the intimate sexual sphere of the spouses and destroys that intimacy as well as the self image of the betrayed spouse. Alcoholism is another kind of problem in that its exterior to the actual bond of the the spouses. In the same way its much more damaging to a marriage if a person goes out and sleeps with a coworker than than if he gets drunk one evening. You know this even intuitively, so the rhetorical question of yours is really out of place.

GET TO YOUR PRIEST ASAP as a priority! And in particular pray a rosary every day asking Mary to help you BOTH!

Yea, pray, and have self respect enough to demand that this behaviour stops, that he does all he can to prove that he is a worthy husband, or RUN away, because living with such a man for the rest of your life is not a good idea.

God Bless,
Pat