Dealing with Infidelity

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Hello,

I came into the Church about 2 1/2 years ago. As a result, I lost my job and home, which created much resentment in my wife toward the me as well as the Church. After we got back on our feet, she began coming around over the next year or so and began RCIA. However, just weeks before we were scheduled to have our marriage convalidated, I learned that she had carried on an affair with another man. I was devastated, but with grace was able to forgive her and go through with the convalidation.

Now, after a little over a year from our convalidation, I have discovered that she has been having a second affair. This has been far more devastating than her first affair because I truly believed our marriage was growing, and she often reaffirmed that belief by complimenting how good of a husband I was and how happy she was to be married to me.

I understand that fallen man is contradictory, and that it is at least possible that she really believed me to be a good husband while still choosing to have the affair; in her mind the affair might really have had nothing to do with me. But in actual practice, I can’t help but believe that her affair is a direct reflection on how she views me. I am constantly tormented with thoughts that she has consciously treated me as a fool and has never respected me, and that I must seem ridiculous to her in every way. I am also tormented by the fear that I have somehow helped cause this, either through inadequacy or neglect. This makes it extremely hard to heal and have hope for the future of our marriage.

I understand that I must forgive her still because Christ has forgiven her (she has gone to confession). Who am I to withhold when Christ does not? But this is obviously easier said than done. It is difficult to have a love that is weathers so much betrayal, and I know that I simply cannot do this under my own power. I also know that there are no five-step programs for this sort of thing. I simply request your prayers. I need grace not only to forgive, but also to keep my sanity amidst the images and reminders of her infidelity. Christ is surely calling me to be crucified with him, and I am deathly afraid.

Thank you.
 
I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you.

This was a very tough story to read.

All I can say is that I will say some prayers for you. God bless.

Stay close to our Lord through all this!
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your wife.

You should go into marriage councelling with her and see what can be done. Also speak to a priest about this, especially about the convalidation circumstances and her cheating. Because if your wife keeps cheating, as she seems to be doing, you are not obliged to just stand there and put up with it. That is not what Christian marriage is about.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your wife.

You should go into marriage councelling with her and see what can be done. Also speak to a priest about this, especially about the convalidation circumstances and her cheating. Because if your wife keeps cheating, as she seems to be doing, you are not obliged to just stand there and put up with it. That is not what Christian marriage is about.
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Sometimes i wonder what a christian marriage is in these times,with all the infidelity around.seems we are obliged to stand there and just put up with it, cause if we dont then what will be left. For example in my cicles of life all marriages i know there is infidelity even for those who call themselves born again christians they are cheating on their spouses with their bestmen and maids of honour and to top it all up they are all christians
This is so sad.

OP,Being in such a situation is not easy, trusting a cheating husband or wife is a hard thing to do. But trusting in the Lord is easy and above all He never lets you down.
Just do what you have to do for the marriage and let God work on those broken pieces.

you are not alone, just keep the faith in God. And do your best to live in peace.
 
I will pray my Rosary for you brother.

Forgiveness is hard. Catholic Answers has a Podcast over forgiveness about a 2 months ago. Maybe it is something you need to listen too. I was not able to find it so I hope you can or someone else here can.

Keep in mind that some people get addicted to these affairs. They crave that attention and they seek it. Many times it is not really about you, it is about them. However I am not sure if I can say anything to else to ease this pain you feel.
 
johnP23 said:
I understand that fallen man is contradictory, and that it is at least possible that she really believed me to be a good husband while still choosing to have the affair; in her mind the affair might really have had nothing to do with me. But in actual practice, I can’t help but believe that her affair is a direct reflection on how she views me. I am constantly tormented with thoughts that she has consciously treated me as a fool and has never respected me, and that I must seem ridiculous to her in every way.
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Hi, JohnP,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. About eight years ago, I started unraveling a lot of secrets and lies, many of them involving other women, in my marriage. I lost count somewhere around a dozen. To this day, apart from one in which I have concrete proof, I don’t know how many were physical and how many ‘only’ emotional, but most of them involved brutal emotional betrayal of telling these women sob stories about how rough his life was, getting them to think his wife was ‘psycho,’ and ‘chemically imbalanced,’ and other such things.

It took several years of healing, but with passing time, and ever deepening understanding of who he is as I continue to watch his behavior, I understand more and more deeply that his behavior had very little to do with me. I believe he felt, as I think Mark Twain once joked, that he ‘wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have him.’ I think his view of himself was so dismal that by the very act of loving him, I necessarily lost value in his eyes…because who would love him? There must be something wrong with any such person.

I think, too, that he is broken from childhood events and didn’t choose to work on healing and growing, but instead sought out constant affirmation and approval from all these women, and getting sympathy was the way he knew how to do it, because he didn’t feel he could impress them. So he tweaked stories as necessary, even if it made me look like a nut case. I suppose he figured they’d never meet me and it wouldn’t really hurt me in any way.

There may be other reasons. And his reasons may not be your wife’s reasons, but I hope it helps you to see that it is possible to have an affair without it being any indication that someone views their spouse as ridiculous or even disrespects them. I think they often simply put their betrayed spouse out of mind while they’re doing it.
I am also tormented by the fear that I have somehow helped cause this, either through inadequacy or neglect. This makes it extremely hard to heal and have hope for the future of our marriage.
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There are plenty of people who insist it always took two to bring marriages to bad points. I disagree. In plenty of cases, it’s true that one spouse behaved very badly and the other finally turned to someone else (not justifying it, but saying some cases do start with the betrayed spouse neglecting or abusing the cheater.) But there are other cases where the cheater is going to cheat, and no amount of perfection could have changed that, or changed what was broken inside them that led them to cheat.

I personally did everything I knew to be a good wife. When I read books like The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands or various other books on how to improve your marriage, I found I was already doing everything they talked about. He chose his own path, and your wife chose hers.
 
Thanks for all of your prayers. I very much appreciate them.

I am sorry to say that things have not improved. I have expressed to my wife that I have forgiven her, but that the repair of marriage would take a show of commitment from her. I suggested a few things, but I ultimately thought it would be best to leave the decision to her. Since then, she has shown no drive to repair our marriage. Further, she cannot see any good reason for her to cease having a friendship with the person with whom her affair was.

At this point, I do not see how I can possibly continue a common conjugal life, which implies an openness to children, with this woman. I still care for her and desire her continued conversion, but I cannot in good conscience start a family with her. We had been trying for a while before this all came up, but now I feel thankful that God did not give us a child before. I frankly cannot imagine this woman mothering my children.

I am therefore asking for advice. Would be lawful for me to seek a separation decree from my bishop, or would it be a sin against charity and the sacrament? Thank you for whatever answer you can give.
 
My advice is to get a good lawyer and file for divorce. Then check with a priest to see if you can get the marriage annulled.
 
You do have to be willing to fight for your marriage. On the other hand, you’ve already turned the cheek twice and it seems you are saying that she’s little if any repentant at all. There ARE some people who are simply too immature to truly consent to marriage. Nobody here has heard enough to know if that is true of your wife. But it’s possible that a good catholic counselor could help you to figure that out.
 
John,

I am very sorry to hear you are going through this – first remember this is not your fault or a reflection of you! If she had issues she could and should have talked to you! It was her choice flat-out you did not cause this.

As some know from my previous posts I can be a bit angry when it comes to this subject as my ex-wife left the Church to also carry on an affair with a married man for 2 years. When I discovered the truth also she cried saying she was sorry and that she “thought our marriage was strong enough to survive an affair”. When that excuse failed then it turned into “it’s your fault because – every week a new reason.”

To forgive is what we all need to do to those that transgress against us. Just as I will forgive my ex-wife. But the thing is God’s Laws state: Thou Shall not Covet thy neighbors wife (spouse) and Thou Shall not commit adultery. And Jesus also makes that same reference: Matthew 19:9 if a man divorces his wife, except for adultery, and marries another. He himself commits adultery.

As Jesus also forgave Mary Magdalene, he told her to go and commit that sin no longer, and she did repent and no longer committed that sin. You know your wife better and most, but for my wife she tried to say that she was sorry and would never contact him again. But that was a lie as she still stayed in contact with him and is still with him for all I know.

The thing that I also read is that you discovered each of the affairs – not that she was sorry and guilty and wanted to confess to you about her “mistakes”. You must also keep in mind as you say you need to keep you sanity – and your health. Get checked with your doctor for this may seem cruel but you know of 2 affairs and there maybe more.

I will pray that God Grants you Peace and Strength.

If you want you can P.M. me and we can talk more.

Winter
 
Turn to God for peace. Have acceptance that this is what happened. If you start to fall in despair, remind yourself of those who have it worse. She cheated, and cheated again, and now you feel she cannot be trusted. There is no rule that says you have to trust someone who has shown they can and will cheat on you. It seems foolish to do that. Forgive, yes. Trust, no. There are exceptional cases, of course, but I think you would have a sense. And feel forgiveness, no, but forgive, yes. The feeling of forgiveness will come eventually, just trust God for it while you do what you can.

It sounds like you feel you should leave her, and that she is not someone you want children with. She sure doesn’t sound like a good prospect for that. I have a suggestion, which I did when I was at a crossroads once. I went on a silent retreat, at a Monastery not too many miles away. I met with a priest once or twice, walked alone a lot, ate silently with other retreat-ants and went to daily Mass and chanted Daily Office with the cloistered monks (who were behind a fence; I sat with other silent-retreat-ants) at the various times during the day and night, at least the ones I was able to get up for. Even if you can only afford to take a long weekend, I recommend it. As long as you are able!

I really recommend this. It is a wonderful place for God to minister to your wounded heart and for you to feel His peace and to contemplate some wise counsel. There are convents and monasteries near you. Google it. You will feel such peace, and you can get counsel from a contemplative priest. Or a nun, probably (I have gotten advice from a cloistered nun in a small local convent; she speaks behind a closed curtain in a booth, so, if you retreated at a convent, that would surely be available to you, and they will pray for you. Whenever I go, I am always better for a long time after. I always feel that they have prayed for me for a long time after, too.
 
Groo said:
My advice is to get a good lawyer and file for divorce. Then check with a priest to see if you can get the marriage annulled.
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This is very good advice to take. Go to your priest. The divorce is a civil law that needs fulfilled. Even tho infidelity is not a sole reason for Annulment, there are often many other factors that took place that will qualify for an Annulment, but the Church needs to walk you through this process.

I was married for 30 years and was shocked to find out the amount of infidelity and filth my spouse was involved in. It was so painful to get through, but I understand it had nothing to do with me, but with the evil that had pervaded him.

I will pray for you and ask you to seek comfort in Christ during this time. Joining the Church did not cause your beginning problems. Man and his ways did.

May the Peace of Our Lord Be With You, my friend!
 
holyrood said:
Hi, JohnP,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. About eight years ago, I started unraveling a lot of secrets and lies, many of them involving other women, in my marriage. I lost count somewhere around a dozen. To this day, apart from one in which I have concrete proof, I don’t know how many were physical and how many ‘only’ emotional, but most of them involved brutal emotional betrayal of telling these women sob stories about how rough his life was, getting them to think his wife was ‘psycho,’ and ‘chemically imbalanced,’ and other such things.

It took several years of healing, but with passing time, and ever deepening understanding of who he is as I continue to watch his behavior, I understand more and more deeply that his behavior had very little to do with me. I believe he felt, as I think Mark Twain once joked, that he ‘wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have him.’ I think his view of himself was so dismal that by the very act of loving him, I necessarily lost value in his eyes…because who would love him? There must be something wrong with any such person.

I think, too, that he is broken from childhood events and didn’t choose to work on healing and growing, but instead sought out constant affirmation and approval from all these women, and getting sympathy was the way he knew how to do it, because he didn’t feel he could impress them. So he tweaked stories as necessary, even if it made me look like a nut case. I suppose he figured they’d never meet me and it wouldn’t really hurt me in any way.

There may be other reasons. And his reasons may not be your wife’s reasons, but I hope it helps you to see that it is possible to have an affair without it being any indication that someone views their spouse as ridiculous or even disrespects them. I think they often simply put their betrayed spouse out of mind while they’re doing it.

There are plenty of people who insist it always took two to bring marriages to bad points. I disagree. In plenty of cases, it’s true that one spouse behaved very badly and the other finally turned to someone else (not justifying it, but saying some cases do start with the betrayed spouse neglecting or abusing the cheater.) But there are other cases where the cheater is going to cheat, and no amount of perfection could have changed that, or changed what was broken inside them that led them to cheat.

I personally did everything I knew to be a good wife. When I read books like The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands or various other books on how to improve your marriage, I found I was already doing everything they talked about. He chose his own path, and your wife chose hers.
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Thank you for making this point. I have often heard this proffered (that difficulties in marriage are essentially always the product of both spouses). The idea that ‘it always takes two’ is grounded in the secular belief that marriage is dissoluble and that happiness in this life as determined by secular society (and unfortunately too often affirmed by the Church) is grounds for destroying marriages. No, sometimes spouses are just selfish, and adultery is simply the manifestation of the highest form of selfishness. There are simply never any circumstances where the behavior of a non-cheating spouse can be used to mitigate the guilt of a cheating spouse.
 
There’s a pretty big difference between saying that a person is partially RESPONSIBLE for their spouse’s infidelity and saying that there are efforts one can put forward to reduce the likelyhood. If you fail to lock your window, it is not YOUR fault if a burglar comes in and robs your place. If you foolishly leave the keys in your car, it does not mitigate the guilt of the thief who steals your car. If a woman dresses provocatively and is subsequently noticed and raped by a degenerate, the guilt is still entirely his.

Marriage is more than a set of obligations each owes to the other. Infidelity is an extreme case, but marital love is fundamentally about sacrificing your wants for what’s best for the beloved. There may come a line in which sacrifice becomes enabling of sin for the other. For sure that’s a line not to cross. But short of that it is actually holy to lay one’s own life down out of love for another. Sound familiar?
 
I don’t have anything to say the other posters haven’t said. Just know you’re in my prayers. :hug1:
 
Manualman,
I agree with you. I believe that marriage is a exercise in dying to oneself for the sake of the other. That alone has kept me from abandoning the relationship. There is a large part of my heart that feels that leaving my wife for what she has done would be to betray the sacrifice that Christ made for His Bride. However, I also believe that raising children is an essential aspect of marriage. But when I look at this woman, I simply cannot in good conscience raise children with her.

That is the principal tension I am experiencing. The last thing I want to do is betray Christ’s sacrifice. I know that I am a sinner just like my wife and that I ought to look at her with sympathy as Christ looked upon me – and I do most times. But my stomach turns at the thought of her as a mother of my children. I have no good reason to believe she will be a good mother, and some reason to believe she will be a very poor mother. Am I really bound to do what seems so contrary to prudence?
 
johnP23 said:
Manualman,
I agree with you. I believe that marriage is a exercise in dying to oneself for the sake of the other. That alone has kept me from abandoning the relationship. There is a large part of my heart that feels that leaving my wife for what she has done would be to betray the sacrifice that Christ made for His Bride. However, I also believe that raising children is an essential aspect of marriage. But when I look at this woman, I simply cannot in good conscience raise children with her.

That is the principal tension I am experiencing. The last thing I want to do is betray Christ’s sacrifice. I know that I am a sinner just like my wife and that I ought to look at her with sympathy as Christ looked upon me – and I do most times. But my stomach turns at the thought of her as a mother of my children. I have no good reason to believe she will be a good mother, and some reason to believe she will be a very poor mother. Am I really bound to do what seems so contrary to prudence?
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This is an excellent point. And you are absolutely right in acknolwedging that it would be very imprudent to have children with her at this point. BUT fighting for your marriage doesn’t entail you sacrificing the best part of your marital vocation so that your wife can continue in her sin, it means dying to yourself so that you bring her to her salvation, Christ!

When do you give up trying? I don’t know. A priest could possibly advise on this. The thing is, that unless you are granted an annulment, you will not be able to remarry and have children anyway. If your wife has any ounce of goodwill, your prayers and sacrifices may truly help her come around.
 
johnP23 said:
I have expressed to my wife that I have forgiven her, but that the repair of marriage would take a show of commitment from her. I suggested a few things, but I ultimately thought it would be best to leave the decision to her.
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In my opinion, it is a mistake to leave the decisions on how to repair the marriage up to her, especially when she shows little remorse. If the amends are up to her, then she can continue to do whatever she wants.

Consider doing some soul searching with a priest, counselor, or trusted friend on what you need from her to repair the marriage. Breaking off the affairs would be a bare minimum.

Then let her know, specifically, what it is you expect if she values the marriage. Make your expectations clear and concrete. Also let her know that there will be consequences if she does not abide by your expectations. And if she doesn’t abide (e.g. continues the affairs), then follow through with the consequences you states.

This is an extreme way to talk to a spouse, but I think you have put up with more than most people would.
 
manualman said:
There’s a pretty big difference between saying that a person is partially RESPONSIBLE for their spouse’s infidelity and saying that there are efforts one can put forward to reduce the likelyhood. If you fail to lock your window, it is not YOUR fault if a burglar comes in and robs your place. If you foolishly leave the keys in your car, it does not mitigate the guilt of the thief who steals your car. If a woman dresses provocatively and is subsequently noticed and raped by a degenerate, the guilt is still entirely his.

Marriage is more than a set of obligations each owes to the other. Infidelity is an extreme case, but marital love is fundamentally about sacrificing your wants for what’s best for the beloved. There may come a line in which sacrifice becomes enabling of sin for the other. For sure that’s a line not to cross. But short of that it is actually holy to lay one’s own life down out of love for another. Sound familiar?
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No spouse can ever be even partially responsible for the other’s infidelity. Spouses, men in particular, need to stop offering excuses for poor behavior on the part of the other spouse.
 
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