Dealing with inlaws that hate you?

[igator99]

My wife’s family hate me. I don’t make enough money for them. They are in their 70’s and living off their children. They have hurt me numerous times over the last 14 years. I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me. How do I let my wife and children celebrate the holidays with people that hate me? I let them go for a few hours for Thanksgiving but I was mad as could be when the returned. I want my wife to have a relationship with her parents and my children with the grandparents. Am I the one that has to suck it up and be the better person? It is very hard for me. The nice side says we can do this as long as they don’t cut me down around the children which they have not but then the little horns come out and I want scortched Earth!

 

[kage_ar]

Jesus addressed this situation in Matthew 5:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
44 But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors 28 do the same? 47 And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? 29 48 So be perfect, 30 just as your heavenly Father is perfect.

 

[igator99]

Jesus addressed this situation in Matthew 5:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
44 But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors 28 do the same? 47 And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? 29 48 So be perfect, 30 just as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Thank you. This is why I love CAF. Someone will have the answer for you. I knew in my heart what is right and just but my ego wanted destruction. Suck it up let them go as long as they don’t start bad mouthing me to my children.

 

[maryjk]

Thank you. This is why I love CAF. Someone will have the answer for you. I knew in my heart what is right and just but my ego wanted destruction. Suck it up let them go as long as they don’t start bad mouthing me to my children.

Or to your wife.

 

[igator99]

Or to your wife.

No they do that when my wife and children are not around. They look at their children like cattle in the grass. They were an investment for retirement. My wife didn’t pan out like expected. I didn’t help I’m a lowly teacher. So since we can not support their lives we don’t matter that much. As long as they love my children, I would be evil not to let them into their lives.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

My wife’s family hate me. I don’t make enough money for them. They are in their 70’s and living off their children. They have hurt me numerous times over the last 14 years. I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me. How do I let my wife and children celebrate the holidays with people that hate me? I let them go for a few hours for Thanksgiving but I was mad as could be when the returned. I want my wife to have a relationship with her parents and my children with the grandparents. Am I the one that has to suck it up and be the better person? It is very hard for me. The nice side says we can do this as long as they don’t cut me down around the children which they have not but then the little horns come out and I want scortched Earth!

You have mentioned them before in threads. I recommended that you and your wife sit down, set your limits, and stay within your limits.

Personally, well, I don’t know if I’d want them near my children with some of the stuff you’ve described. But if you insist it’s OK for her and the kids to go over there, then you have to be OK with it, not just mouth the words and then get bent out of shape because they did what you OK’d. You are otherwise sending a mixed message.

Is there something that’s fun or relaxing for you to do, something that’s sort of a treat for you to do while they are over there? If you were female, I’d suggest it was a great time to take a hot bath, do your nails, shave your legs, and in general pamper yourself with the kids out of the house. You’ll be giving yourself a reward for your generosity, and it will condition you to like it somewhat when the rest of your family makes these visits- or at least not hate it as much.

 

[BamaRider]

Am I the one that has to suck it up and be the better person?

Yes.

 

[AmberDale]

I’m in a similar but different situation. Lately the Holy Spirit has been leading me to try and be more loving, even though I know the things that are said. I am trying to just suck it up and ignore it.

 

[igator99]

I’m in a similar but different situation. Lately the Holy Spirit has been leading me to try and be more loving, even though I know the things that are said. I am trying to just suck it up and ignore it.

I find it very difficult and I get resentful even when I say it is okay for them to go visit them. I guess I need to pray more on it and be the better person and let my wife and children have a relationship with them even though it tears me up inside.

 

[AaronK88]

My wife’s family hate me. I don’t make enough money for them. They are in their 70’s and living off their children. They have hurt me numerous times over the last 14 years. I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me. How do I let my wife and children celebrate the holidays with people that hate me? I let them go for a few hours for Thanksgiving but I was mad as could be when the returned. I want my wife to have a relationship with her parents and my children with the grandparents. Am I the one that has to suck it up and be the better person? It is very hard for me. The nice side says we can do this as long as they don’t cut me down around the children which they have not but then the little horns come out and I want scortched Earth!

The best weapon against people like this is love and kindness. When they personally attack you, turn the other cheek just as Jesus says in the beatitudes. As hard as it is, it will make you the better person. They are, as unfortunate as it may be, family, and you have to accept that and live with it. I suggest if you are going to have to accept it, then make it as good an experience as possible by showing them kindness in the face of ugliness.