Dealing with jealous/selfish niece

[BrokenRoad]

I’m looking for advice on how best to deal with my niece. She is nearly 20 years old, and I’m finding her behavior to be very unfitting of a Christian girl her age.

We’re a large family; my 4 siblings and I have over 20 kids, and the oldest ones themselves are bringing up a generation of about a dozen. My niece is one of the youngest of her cousins, and was born in quite a weird spot. Her older cousins are all born in clusters, a steady stream of them, so they each had 3 or 4 cousins or siblings just their age or near growing up. Same with her younger cousins and, now, second cousins. They’re all between 3 and 11. But she, she’s sort of the odd girl out. There’s a large gap between the nearest cousin both older and younger, and she seems to hold that against us as though we planned it

She’s always been very, very jealous of her cousins and siblings. See, the older ones and younger ones, all being so close in age, went through holidays and celebrations and vacations and whatnot together. Christmas, Easter, they were huge parties and events. Big Halloween parties and trick or treating, several times when we’d take them all on a trip together, since they are all close in age and would enjoy similar things.The youngest ones are now getting to enjoy this, as they have when they are younger. In fact, we’re planning a big easter party for them; egg hunts, baking goodies, religious games and stories, you get the picture. And my niece? Refuses stubbornly to help. She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. She was too little to join the older kids, and by the time the little ones were old enough, she was too old to join them. Believe me, it’s no fun watching a 12 year old throw a tantrum because we didn’t praise her coloring pages the same way we praised a 4 year old’s So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes.

She also can’t stand to hear about all the things her younger cousins are now doing. My oldest daughter recently took her little girl, 11, to a mall for a girl’s day out with Mommy, to go shopping and get their hair done and nails (the pictures were adorable ) And I tried sharing this with her, but she’d have none of it. She doesn’t have a mother, and never got to do anything like that growing up, and she pitched a rant about how she didn’t care to hear me “rub in” how privileged my grand daughter is, since no one ever took her out for girl time like that.

In any case, I always thought she’d outgrow this, and but she hasn’t. This grown woman is still harboring jealousy at a bunch of first graders, and frankly I find it disgusting. She’s holding on to petty faults as though she was neglected and deprived of things that actually matter. She had shoes on her feet and food on her table, yet she still harbors resentment over a missed 13th birthday (her b-day falls right at graduation time, and we’ve had a LOT of graduates, as you can imagine!)

No one else seems to be paying any mind to her behavior and snobbishness, but I’m sick of it. Can anyone give me advice on how to help her straighten up? I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

 

[mommamia]

I don’t know, maybe you could try to have a little compassion and understanding for how many things she missed?

Honestly from your post it sounds as if you treated her as if she was inconvenient. A 13th bday is important for a girl, you couldn’t have made some time for this child (who doesn’t have a mother) who by your own admission your family didn’t bother to do much for. Instead you had to do something for the “cluster” of graduates who were the ones who always got the special attention.

Poor girl probably could use some therapy from what you describe. It may not be abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes, but it certainly borders on emotional abuse to deny to one child what every other child in the family was given so freely.

 

[Sirach_43]

She’s holding on to petty faults as though she was neglected and deprived of things that actually matter.

In general people feel jealous when something is lacking in their own life. From your description of your extended family it seems as though holidays and outings ARE a big deal and do matter. You also stated “You can’t plan something around just one girl.” Why not? This girl not only doesn’t have a mother around, but it seems like her extended family was also ignoring her emotional needs to feel loved and special. I think the best way to help your niece would be by trying to fill the emotional hole she feels. Maybe taking her out on some one-on-one outings would help. Meet her for lunch once a month or so. Take her to the movies, etc.

 

[Seatuck]

I’m looking for advice on how best to deal with my niece. She is nearly 20 years old, and I’m finding her behavior to be very unfitting of a Christian girl her age.

We’re a large family; my 4 siblings and I have over 20 kids, and the oldest ones themselves are bringing up a generation of about a dozen. My niece is one of the youngest of her cousins, and was born in quite a weird spot. Her older cousins are all born in clusters, a steady stream of them, so they each had 3 or 4 cousins or siblings just their age or near growing up. Same with her younger cousins and, now, second cousins. They’re all between 3 and 11. But she, she’s sort of the odd girl out. There’s a large gap between the nearest cousin both older and younger, and she seems to hold that against us as though we planned it

She’s always been very, very jealous of her cousins and siblings. See, the older ones and younger ones, all being so close in age, went through holidays and celebrations and vacations and whatnot together. Christmas, Easter, they were huge parties and events. Big Halloween parties and trick or treating, several times when we’d take them all on a trip together, since they are all close in age and would enjoy similar things.The youngest ones are now getting to enjoy this, as they have when they are younger. In fact, we’re planning a big easter party for them; egg hunts, baking goodies, religious games and stories, you get the picture. And my niece? Refuses stubbornly to help. She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. She was too little to join the older kids, and by the time the little ones were old enough, she was too old to join them. Believe me, it’s no fun watching a 12 year old throw a tantrum because we didn’t praise her coloring pages the same way we praised a 4 year old’s So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes.

She also can’t stand to hear about all the things her younger cousins are now doing. My oldest daughter recently took her little girl, 11, to a mall for a girl’s day out with Mommy, to go shopping and get their hair done and nails (the pictures were adorable ) And I tried sharing this with her, but she’d have none of it. She doesn’t have a mother, and never got to do anything like that growing up, and she pitched a rant about how she didn’t care to hear me “rub in” how privileged my grand daughter is, since no one ever took her out for girl time like that.

In any case, I always thought she’d outgrow this, and but she hasn’t. This grown woman is still harboring jealousy at a bunch of first graders, and frankly I find it disgusting. She’s holding on to petty faults as though she was neglected and deprived of things that actually matter. She had shoes on her feet and food on her table, yet she still harbors resentment over a missed 13th birthday (her b-day falls right at graduation time, and we’ve had a LOT of graduates, as you can imagine!)

No one else seems to be paying any mind to her behavior and snobbishness, but I’m sick of it. Can anyone give me advice on how to help her straighten up? I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

It seems your family did a great job to make here feel excluded all her life and trained her well to be the way she is. Go back and look at all the things that nobody had time to do for her or make her feel special about that you write about in your post. All the others had parties and events but she alone should be grateful for just the basics. You have all treated her like a scapegoat or something. The one child that it didn’t matter because there were no other siblings her age. She doesn’t have a mother and not one of the other female relatives could step in and do girl things? Is it a wonder she learned to be selfish? There is this whole history of events with photos of all the other nieces and nephews but not that many of her as the star of the day?

This is going to take some time for her to get over.Maybe even some counseling.You are minimizing the psychological effect that this had. Have any of you sincerely apologized? Offered to do a goofy make up celebration or something?

 

[srlucado]

So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes.

If everyone else gets them, but you don’t, it sure feels like abuse.

I don’t know all the facts, of course, but I feel sorry for her–she seems like a real-life Cinderella. I hope her Prince Charming comes along, and soon.

Don’t be surprised if one day she walks out of your life and never looks back. People don’t stay where they’re not wanted.

 

[purplesunshine]

You feel sick over how she’s acting? How about feeling sick over how you’ve treated her her enter life.

Cousin gap happens. Infact, it happened with my cousins. There are 16 of us (on one side). Most are now 29-24 then there’s Jenna who’s now 19 and the younger ones (all boys) two 13 yo’s and two 8yo’s.

Jenna was always younger but she was our mascot. The older kids would carry her around on their backs on family walks, she fell asleep first (And then we had more fun) but she always came to sleepovers. She came to concerts and movies when we could have her. She came to the school plays. She adores my older cousins (I’m one of the ones closer to the 24). And we kept traditions alive for her. My older cousins took on the responsiblity of keeping “santa” alive and helping her find easter eggs and that sort of thing…even when we were all too old. Mind you the egg finding for her probably ended at 4 and not 7 or 8 like the majority of us, but she got her fun.

And now she loves her little cousins Jenna babysat for the 13yo’s and now for the 8yo’s. Us 29-24yo’s have graduated college and are out on our own far away. They absolutely adore her. She has a spot in their heart and a place in their life. She gets down on the floor and colors with them or builds block towers and YES we do praise her. Some of the stuff she does with them is INCREDIBLE.

Jenna never fit in age wise. There were uncomfortable moments. She couldn’t come to everything but she also got alot of individual attention if she couldn’t do something…a sleepover or a happy meal if she couldn’t come to big dinner. If our grandparents baught us all sporting gear pack for a family bbq and she was too little for it, they got her a princess dress or wings or something…or if she was too little for the gift exchange age range (when you’re talking 14-9 a 4yo definatly wants different things) she got presants.

I can’t imagine ignoring her. I can immagine the torture your poor grandchild went through not being convient.

 

[rayne89]

How sad for your poor niece and how sad is it that your angry at her when your whole family has treated her poorly and made her feel like she doesn’t matter and her feelings don’t matter. You all have treated her like she doesn’t deserve celebrations because its just too much trouble and you can’t be bothered with just one child and one child alone doesn’t matter. The one who isn’t being Christian isn’t your niece.

 

[PaulinVA]

You reap what you sow.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I can’t imagine how lonely and unloved that girl must have felt. “Oh, well it’s not practical to take time for just one girl?” NO ONE took time for her? That’s not cool.

She missed A FEW birthday cakes? That’s huge for a child. It’s one thing to celebrate a little late but seriously?

Wow.

I agree with PaulinVA.

You reap what you sow.

 

[Catholic90]

See, the older ones and younger ones, all being so close in age, went through holidays and celebrations and vacations and whatnot together. Christmas, Easter, they were huge parties and events. Big Halloween parties and trick or treating, several times when we’d take them all on a trip together, since they are all close in age and would enjoy similar things.The** youngest ones are now getting to enjoy this**, as they have when they are younger. In fact, we’re planning a big easter party for them; egg hunts, baking goodies, religious games and stories, you get the picture. And my niece? Refuses stubbornly to help. She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. … So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes.

… and frankly I find it disgusting. She’s holding on to petty faults as though she was neglected and deprived of things that actually matter. She had shoes on her feet and food on her table, yet she still harbors resentment over a missed 13th birthday (her b-day falls right at graduation time, and we’ve had a LOT of graduates, as you can imagine!)

… I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

Wow. Do you actually LISTEN to yourself? It’s not this girl who is acting uncharitably - it is her whole entire family!

Re-read what I clipped from your post. That is horrible treatment for a child.

Frankly, I find it disgusting you never had time for one girl. You’ve all done wrong by this girl. Frankly, she should shake the dust from her feet and walk away from her so-called “family”. She certainly does not sound very wanted or loved by you!

 

[MomaMary8]

Poor girl. May she find a family that loves her and treasures her.

Sounds like you’ve taught her that she is not a part of the family, why do you expect her to act as if she is?

 

[phoooiee]

After reading all this I have to say that I am sure that you did what you thought was best for your family at the time. Part of the tragedy of this world is that we are ALL so often blinded to what is right- the trick is knowing what to do and accepting what may be a difficult course of action when we finally see. You have my sympathy in dealing with this situation. I have no doubt that a sincere, heartfelt apology would go a long way in helping your niece to feel that she is loved.

God bless!

 

[puzzleannie]

I’mn fact, we’re planning a big easter party for them; egg hunts, baking goodies, religious games and stories, you get the picture. And my niece? Refuses stubbornly to help. She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. .

personally I see the niece’s POV. If you as a family decided all this hooplah was appropriate for one child, it was appropriate for all, and it does sound from this vantage point that she was singled out to be denied a share in the fun when her time came. She did not make up all of these celebrations, you did, so to be selective in which cousins were honored sure sounds like deliberate discrimination to me. always bearing in mind only half the story is ever told here. No her attitude is not particularly mature, but neither are the attitudes exhibited by some of the adults in her world.

 

[shannyk]

I truly don’t understand this…why couldn’t this girl have been included more? Just because of her age relative to the other children’s ages? Why does it matter? I’m truly stumped by this, most families have kids of all ages and somehow manage to include everyone…?? She truly didn’t get birthday cakes when EVERY other kid did? no wonder she’s angry.

I understand there are logistical considerations in big families, but would adding ONE more kid to the celebrations be that difficult?

What role do her parents play in all of this? What do they think of her ‘attitude’?

 

[Susan_Calvin]

Wow my heart really aches for your niece. Reminds me of when I was in foster care and the biological children of the family received parties and gifts and I did not. Its a horrible feeling for a child to be excluded and no wonder she is behaving the way she is. I really feel for her and I will be praying for her happiness.

 

[hurtandhealing]

Can anyone give me advice on how to help her straighten up? I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

I am sorry to say that I don’t think you can fix this in time for Easter this year. Here is my advice on fixing the situation:

1. Call her and take her out to lunch and/or something girly she would enjoy NEXT week. I know you are busy preparing for Easter, but it is important that you start working on this now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to straighten her out.
2. Call your sisters/sisters-in-law and tell them they need to start planning these trips as well. At least for a little while, I would aim for a one-on-one girls outing at least every other week. If she has older sisters, they should be included in this.
3. Throw your niece the biggest birthday party ever for her 20th the weekend BEFORE her birthday. Make sure everyone is there. I am sure she was at all of those graduations which trumped her birthday, those cousins/siblings can do this one thing for her. This party would be for her and her alone. Don’t celebrate anything else at the same time.

It is time for your niece’s older female relatives to take up the slack for her mom, who cannot give her this attention. I would hope, with time and prayer, that she will see she is a valued member of the family and start to open up to other celebrations.

 

[purplesunshine]

And remember it will take YEARS to really help her heal from your unintentional neglect. Just throwing one party will NOT make it all ok.

 

[BrokenFortress]

Yeah, I can see how your niece feels the way she does. Especially if she doesn’t have a mom? Well then, I’d say she needed the older girl cousins and aunts even more! She doesn’t have that stable female role in her life without a mother.

I think I’d be bitter too if I was left behind while everyone else got parties and celebrations. So what if she’s only one person? Does that make her any less important? I think not.

I agree that it’s time to get a party going for her. Take her out for a girls night with cousins and aunts.

Hopefully it’s not too late like one other poster said that she’ll just walk out when she finds a husband. Extended family is important, hopefully it’s not too late to fix that relationship.

 

[catharina]

I’m looking for advice on how best to deal with my niece. She is nearly 20 years old, and I’m finding her behavior to be very unfitting of a Christian girl her age.

We’re a large family; my 4 siblings and I have over 20 kids, and the oldest ones themselves are bringing up a generation of about a dozen. My niece is one of the youngest of her cousins, and was born in quite a weird spot. Her older cousins are all born in clusters, a steady stream of them, so they each had 3 or 4 cousins or siblings just their age or near growing up. Same with her younger cousins and, now, second cousins. They’re all between 3 and 11. But she, she’s sort of the odd girl out. There’s a large gap between the nearest cousin both older and younger, and she seems to hold that against us as though we planned it

She’s always been very, very jealous of her cousins and siblings. See, the older ones and younger ones, all being so close in age, went through holidays and celebrations and vacations and whatnot together. Christmas, Easter, they were huge parties and events. Big Halloween parties and trick or treating, several times when we’d take them all on a trip together, since they are all close in age and would enjoy similar things.The youngest ones are now getting to enjoy this, as they have when they are younger. In fact, we’re planning a big easter party for them; egg hunts, baking goodies, religious games and stories, you get the picture. And my niece? Refuses stubbornly to help. She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. She was too little to join the older kids, and by the time the little ones were old enough, she was too old to join them. Believe me, it’s no fun watching a 12 year old throw a tantrum because we didn’t praise her coloring pages the same way we praised a 4 year old’s So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes.

She also can’t stand to hear about all the things her younger cousins are now doing. My oldest daughter recently took her little girl, 11, to a mall for a girl’s day out with Mommy, to go shopping and get their hair done and nails (the pictures were adorable ) And I tried sharing this with her, but she’d have none of it. She doesn’t have a mother, and never got to do anything like that growing up, and she pitched a rant about how she didn’t care to hear me “rub in” how privileged my grand daughter is, since no one ever took her out for girl time like that.

In any case, I always thought she’d outgrow this, and but she hasn’t. This grown woman is still harboring jealousy at a bunch of first graders, and frankly I find it disgusting. She’s holding on to petty faults as though she was neglected and deprived of things that actually matter. She had shoes on her feet and food on her table, yet she still harbors resentment over a missed 13th birthday (her b-day falls right at graduation time, and we’ve had a LOT of graduates, as you can imagine!)

No one else seems to be paying any mind to her behavior and snobbishness, but I’m sick of it. Can anyone give me advice on how to help her straighten up? I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

This is a heartbreaking tale of emotional neglect. You and your family (siblings) have created this problem and the lot of you should solve it. Reference to her “snobbishness” is a clear sign that you don’t get it. Neglected children will eventually keep a distance so that they will NOT feel personally neglected again. Who decided to neglect her to this degree when she is without a mother? I guess all the aunties decided they would do for their own children and for the children of the other aunties - but neglect the one motherless child? Horrible. Be grateful she has enough self respect to keep herself from drug addiction and promiscuity. Some families (esp, some mothers) have a serious need to hold one young member as “outcast” and then to BLAME her. Shameful.

 

[flyingfish]

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. She was too little to join the older kids, and by the time the little ones were old enough, she was too old to join them.

…

She doesn’t have a mother, and never got to do anything like that growing up, and she pitched a rant about how she didn’t care to hear me “rub in” how privileged my grand daughter is, since no one ever took her out for girl time like that.

…

She had shoes on her feet and food on her table, yet she still harbors resentment over a missed 13th birthday (her b-day falls right at graduation time, and we’ve had a LOT of graduates, as you can imagine!)

No one else seems to be paying any mind to her behavior and snobbishness, but I’m sick of it. Can anyone give me advice on how to help her straighten up? I’d LOVE for her to actually enjoy Easter for once, and make it enjoyable for the little ones.

Really? This is a girl who never got much of a Christmas or Easter, didn’t get to go on family outings and vacations, had her birthday forgotten because the other kids were graduating

AND YOU ARE SURPRISED THAT SHE FEELS AS SHE DOES? Gee, even an adult would feel neglected in this situation, and she was a YOUNG CHILD when she was treated this way.

The girl was obviously neglected. The other children were put ahead of her, and unsurprisingly she noticed.

That said, she is not your daughter, so it makes sense if you personally would neglect her over your own children. How did her parents treat her?

If she doesn’t have a mother, does she have a father? He should be the one doing special things with her NOW to make up for past neglect. If you’re interested in changing how she feels, might start making up for past neglect as well. Though of course given she’s not your child you have no such obligation.

(And by the way, yes you can do things for just one child, and yes a 12 year old can be included into outings for younger kids. A far better alternative than simply leaving her out.)