Dealing with narcissistic tendencies/narcissist

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fin

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I’m NOT asking for specific medical advice for the person with narcissistic tendencies or probably a narcissist.

My question is for those who have experienced living with narcissist and the circumstances are the other people in the house are being affected in a negative way. This person isn’t moving out and the other people are left stuck and suffering.

I get it that we’re supposed to carry our cross patiently and all that, but I’m concerned when I see loved ones suffering because of a person. And it also doesn’t mean we put up with abuse, but I really don’t know the answers. It’s like we’re all being trapped in a way. I’m reading a lot on narcissism and people say that you really have to get away from one, as there is no talking reasonably or logically with them, they lie and twist things. We experience this.

Several years ago I posted prayer intentions here regarding this problem. I was thinking of suggesting to the narcissistic person to go to therapy - but not for narcissism, as she probably won’t admit it - but for general happiness, since she’s an unhappy and negative person.,but even if I suggest it, she still has to want to consider therapy for improving her happiness. And yes, this is for our own sake.

I’ve hesitated asking here because of the reactions of certain people, but I’m desperate. I’ve been praying and thinking of ways so we can be free so to speak from this. Thank you in advance.
 
No specific advice. I would recommend a book by Paul Mason, Stop Walking on Eggshells “. It does (or did for me) a good job of shedding light on the different aspects of this disorder, and some steps that one can take to minimize the effect.
 
Thank you very much for your response.

I agree with your points. In our situation, even if I am able to get away, there’s still my parents and siblings who have to deal with the possibly narcissistic person, and I’m concerned about their well being. So I’ve been praying for a way for us to stop being hostage. I’m really trying to find a way.
 
Thank you for your kind reply to fin. There is a tutorial that helps a little and an area called site feedback where you can post a specific question.
Peace
 
Look up what’s called the “gray rock” method. It’s basically a way of making yourself as completely boring as possible. If you’re dealing with someone who lies and twists things and stirs up drama, the idea is that you give them nothing at all to work with. Nothing about your personal life ever, no opinions on anyone else in the house, nothing other than short factual answers to questions and conversation on trivialities.

Always remember, the best part of meteorology is there’s always something to comment on.
 
It comes down to creating the strongest possible boundaries in the situation, be that apart from or with the individual, and educating others who have to deal with that person on self-care strategies.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. People with narcissistic personality disorder can be some of the most challenging people to be around, and their behaviours are insidiously destructive.
 
Here’s my story. It is more than 3 decades long and can not be put shortly. I also apologize because English is not my mother tongue.
My narcissistic husband was my first boyfriend. I ignored several pieces of advice (by my parents and some other older and experienced people) warning me that he is immature and irresponsible and wouldn’t make a good husband. I thought he was far more spiritual than any other boy I’ve ever known. He charmed me by his accounts of his very special relationship with God. The fact that he wasn’t really practising his faith seemed to me just like a temporary chrisis or a phase. I naively and ignorantly thought his faith was stronger and more developed than mine. I looked up to him. The thing I didn’t notice was that the more I listened to his ‘preaching’ the less I heard God’s words. That was the biggest mistake of my life!
My marriage was burdened with disappointment and difficult moments. When I look at my diary it now looks like a coursebook on narcissistic behaviour - begun with love bombing and ended with violent threats, verbal abuse, gaslighting. The moment I started turning to God, praying more, going to confession more regularly, reading spiritual literature, I became his enemy. He would avoid going to the church on different pretexts, in front of our kids he would speak badly about my faith or about other believers, bishops, the Pope… Very often he would arrange something to prevent our youngest child from going to the church or would make fun of my efforts to make our three kids ready for Sunday mass. I litterally had to fight for every mass to have all three kids come with me. Then there was the growing alcohol and tobacco addiction, adultery, neglect … Still, I kept forgiving and praying, looking for help wherever I heard I could find one. One of the priests who was particularly attentive to my confession told me decisively that I should leave my husband for the sake of our children. 'He’s going to ruin them," he warned me. However, I had nowhere to go, my old parents were seriously ill and needed my care and I still believed in a miracle that will change his heart. Suddenly, my mother died, my father had a very difficult operation and died a couple of months after her. In their final months they gave me a wonderful example of pure and strong faith. On the other side, my husband gave me the final blow. On the very day of my mother’s funeral he called me (he was away on a business trip) and ''told me that I was no longer his wife. In less than 12 months he divorced me, married a very young woman and had a child with her. He’s totally blind to the harm he has done to his family. There is no way he will see his guilt. Children are having a difficult time
 
I might call myself ‘victim of an unwanted divorce’ but this terrible shock has opened my eyes and shown me all the Love God has for the brokenhearted. So, since divorce, this is what I practice:
  • daily prayer - blessing for my husband and children
  • praying that God’s will be clear to me and that I have the strength and patience to follow it
  • praying to become humble, not to pity myself or judge my husband (the last one being the slippery ground!)
  • minimizing contacts with my husband and exchanging only the necessary facts (at this point it gives more peace to both sides). In some cases when a longer discusion was necessary, I prepared for it in advance through fasting and prayer to the Holy Spirit. I simply had to tame my human tendency to criticize.
  • explaining to children what NPD is so that they understand father’s behaviour better, i.e. they know what (not) to expect
  • doing my best to show my children a good example of faithfulness and thankfulness to God
  • whenever I feel weak or broken, I remember Christ’s Via crucis and since He is the Way and the Truth I know that I CAN go on because of Him
    One of the best ‘cures’ for any dark thoughts is to contemplate and praise God’s Love and Mercy.
 
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