Dealing with Non-Catholic family

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Audreysmama

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My husband and I are both in RCIA currently. We come from Southern Baptist families and Catholics are a very small minority where we live. Because of that, our families believe A LOT of misconceptions about the Church and are very against our joining. I’ve tried to explain and correct the misinformation, but haven’t gotten anywhere.

It’s gotten to the point where they make a lot of off color comments to my daughter (15 months) about the Church. They’re actually talking to us, but doing it in the form of
“Don’t let the Priest at the bad church hold you”
“Nana will teach you things from the real bible so you’ll actually go to Heaven”
“I bet the nuns at your new preschool hit you all the time! Mama doesn’t care.”

Finally we said we wouldn’t let our daughter stay with them if that was how they were going to talk to her. Are we overreacting? I know children need their grandparents in their life, but I don’t want her hearing things like that. It’s disrespectful to us and our faith. I don’t know what to do. :confused: 😦
 
Audreysmama said:
Finally we said we wouldn’t let our daughter stay with them if that was how they were going to talk to her. Are we overreacting? I know children need their grandparents in their life, but I don’t want her hearing things like that. It’s disrespectful to us and our faith. I don’t know what to do. :confused: 😦
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Sounds sensible to me. Frankly, I don’t think you have much option other than to limit time with the grandparents in these circumstances.

It’s great for children to have grandparents in their life, but not if those grandparents are actively undermining the parents, which is what they are doing here. The grandparents need to know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will not be tolerated.
 
underacloud said:
Sounds sensible to me. Frankly, I don’t think you have much option other than to limit time with the grandparents in these circumstances.

It’s great for children to have grandparents in their life, but not if those grandparents are actively undermining the parents, which is what they are doing here. The grandparents need to know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will not be tolerated.
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👍

and to add on, it is harming the child’s psyche being around that kind of talk…especially directed at her.
 
I agree with the above posters. Limit time with the grandchild and make sure you are present. Do not tolerate any such talk as such to your child. I actually find it as well most bizarre behavior on their part and would be concerned overall to have my child with them
alone at all.

Mary.
 
I do too. They’ve never been this way before, so closed minded. I think all this effort to hurt our feelings is a little ridiculous.
 
😦 I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I lived through a very similar situation. My dh was raised Missionary Baptist in a very small church where most of the people were somewhat related. I am Catholic from birth. My husband married me knowing that our children would be raised Catholic. I married him knowing that the church he was raised in did not approve of Catholicism, but not realizing what huge issues that would create.

I behaved as respectfully of his family and faith as I would have wanted him to behave of mine. When visiting, which was only a few times a year, I dutifully attended services with his mother and listened to sermon after sermon about the evils of Catholicism, how all Catholics were going to hell, how Satan uses the woman to draw man from God and from his mother. I kid you not. Anyhow, my mil never said anything to me or treated me poorly, so as it wasn’t very often we had to attend, I kept my mouth shut.

Anyway, we had a child who was baptized in the Catholoc Church and raised Catholic. Mil was not happy about that, but aside from little remarks to my husband, never said anything to me or my daughter.

Since we lived far away, every summer we sent her to spend a week with her grandmother. They would go to amusement parks, visit the zoo, go back to school clothes shopping - nice grandmotherly things like that. They made nice memories and my daughter had a lovely time. The summer after her first communion, however, things went differently.

Unbeknownst to me, my mil staged a “revival” at her church. Every day for a week straight, she took my daughter to the church where there were adults screaming and wailing and running around flailing themselves on the floor and yelling in my daughter’s face about how I was going to burn in Hell, all Catholics were going to Hell, I was going to take her with me. The asked her over and over again didn’t she feel horrible, didn’t she feel terrible and dirty inside with all that sin. They told her how the Catholic church was misleading her and worshipping false idols and that the Bible wasn’t real. My mil gave her a kjv Bible and told her that now she finally had a “real” Bible. They spent six, seven hours a night doing this, keeping her up until almost midnight and not feeding her dinner. Brainwashing her. Telling her what I would say to refute their claims and that it would just be the Devil talking.

This episode nearly broke up our marriage and took years to repair with my daughter. I still don’t know what the long-term affects will be. My mil is no longer allowed to see her unless I am standing at my daughter’s side. This has been the state for the past six years and will continue to be so.

I know this is extreme, but the comments you listed are exact ones that were said to my daughter. If they’re doing that in front of you, they are making their feelings and intentions abundantly clear. They will not stop because they feel her eternal soul is at risk and supersedes any rights or wishes you have as a parent. Be courteous, but don’t be a doormat. Don’t allow it to continue in front of you and don’t leave your daughter alone with them.
 
This is not a religion issue. This is an issue of your parents trying to undermine your parenting. The things they are saying to your daughter and horrible and I would not let them around her either. No. Unfortunately, you are not over-reacting.
 
Hi Audreysmama,
It sounds like they have read some chick tracks. Becoming catholic in your family is going to be hard on everyone on both sides. I was brought up in a devout independent Baptist home, that said, I didn’t tell my parents I was in RCIA, or came into the Catholic Church until after I was received, simply because I knew I could not adequately field their questions on the Catholic Church. My dad thinks I’ve been brainwashed by the church, my mom has been supportive even though she wasn’t thrilled and kinda scared at first. I think my parents are coming around simply by seeing me live my catholic faith, my constant affirmation that Jesus is first and formost in my faith…they have seen the fruits of my faith, and can tell that I am indeed a Christian.
Some practical things that can help a bit: Actions speak louder than word…let them know that you love them, be kind to them, don’t lose your temper when they attack the Catholic Church or priest, if they are prayer warriors, don’t be shy to give them prayer requests, ask them about their pastors sermon, and share your priest homily’s, share anecdotes about your pastor, offer to receive prayer requests, know your bible, ask the saints to pray for them ( I have asked St Francis de Sales, and Blsd John Paul II, to pray for them) and pray for them as well.

As to answer some of the previous responders on why the weird behavior, it’s that they believe Catholics are not saved, worship idols (aka Mary and statues of saints etc), are not Christian, on way to hell. What they are trying to do out of love is to bring back their children to their “true faith”, and keep their grandchild out of the clutches of the devil. They are simply doing no different than what St. Paul taught about Christian fraternal correction (as per their SB faith understanding).
May God bless your on your journey into the fullness of the Church.
Virginia
 
VBoone said:
They are simply doing no different than what St. Paul taught about Christian fraternal correction (as per their SB faith understanding).
May God bless your on your journey into the fullness of the Church.
Virginia
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The comments the OP posted have absolutely nothing to do with any sane perons’ idea of an attempt at fraternal correction and are examples of verbal abuse. I know lots of Baptist people and while they may be against the Catholic Church, they don’t express themselves this way.
 
I don’t suggest this and I think this is wrong, but I think it’s funny:

Next time grandma does this, say back (to the baby in a sing sing talking-to-baby voice): “I guess we need to go home now because Nana isn’t respecting mommy and daddy’s boundaries!”
 
Audreysmama said:
My husband and I are both in RCIA currently. We come from Southern Baptist families and Catholics are a very small minority where we live. Because of that, our families believe A LOT of misconceptions about the Church and are very against our joining. I’ve tried to explain and correct the misinformation, but haven’t gotten anywhere.

It’s gotten to the point where they make a lot of off color comments to my daughter (15 months) about the Church. They’re actually talking to us, but doing it in the form of
“Don’t let the Priest at the bad church hold you”
“Nana will teach you things from the real bible so you’ll actually go to Heaven”
“I bet the nuns at your new preschool hit you all the time! Mama doesn’t care.”

Finally we said we wouldn’t let our daughter stay with them if that was how they were going to talk to her. Are we overreacting? I know children need their grandparents in their life, but I don’t want her hearing things like that. It’s disrespectful to us and our faith. I don’t know what to do. :confused: 😦
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No, you are not overreacting. They are being rude and disrespectful. If they won’t stop, keep your daughter away from them until she is MUCH older, and can understand that family can be very very wrong.
 
VBoone said:
I didn’t tell my parents I was in RCIA, or came into the Catholic Church until after I was received, simply because I knew I could not adequately field their questions on the Catholic Church.
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I haven’t told most of those around me that I’m in RCIA. I’m pretty confident I could field the questions and objections from those who would not be supportive about it but I just don’t want the hassle. Once I’m received into the Church this Easter, *then *I’ll let folks know!
 
You might give them a copy of “Catholicism and Fundamentalism” by Karl Keating available on this websites bookstore. It addresses the common Protestant objections to the Catholic Faith.
 
You are correct to keep your daughter away from these kind of remarks, even if it is family. Simply tell them that until they can show more respect for you and your beliefs she can’t be alone with them. You could still visit with her, but don’t leave her there alone.

She is going to have to be much older for a solo visit. She will have to be taught how to defend the faith and why you made the change. Teach her respect of others and their faith so she does not fall into the same bad attitude they are now demonstrating.

People should be mature enough at this point in history to respect others regardless of their chosen faith. Those that are not need our prayers and example. You might remind them of the scripture in which Jesus advises his disciples that:“He who is with us is not against us.” You and your family are seeking the truth, just in different ways.

Demand respect, be respectful and don’t accept anything different for or from your daughter.
 
emerson97 said:
😦 I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I lived through a very similar situation. My dh was raised Missionary Baptist in a very small church where most of the people were somewhat related. I am Catholic from birth. My husband married me knowing that our children would be raised Catholic. I married him knowing that the church he was raised in did not approve of Catholicism, but not realizing what huge issues that would create.

I behaved as respectfully of his family and faith as I would have wanted him to behave of mine. When visiting, which was only a few times a year, I dutifully attended services with his mother and listened to sermon after sermon about the evils of Catholicism, how all Catholics were going to hell, how Satan uses the woman to draw man from God and from his mother. I kid you not. Anyhow, my mil never said anything to me or treated me poorly, so as it wasn’t very often we had to attend, I kept my mouth shut.

Anyway, we had a child who was baptized in the Catholoc Church and raised Catholic. Mil was not happy about that, but aside from little remarks to my husband, never said anything to me or my daughter.

Since we lived far away, every summer we sent her to spend a week with her grandmother. They would go to amusement parks, visit the zoo, go back to school clothes shopping - nice grandmotherly things like that. They made nice memories and my daughter had a lovely time. The summer after her first communion, however, things went differently.

Unbeknownst to me, my mil staged a “revival” at her church. Every day for a week straight, she took my daughter to the church where there were adults screaming and wailing and running around flailing themselves on the floor and yelling in my daughter’s face about how I was going to burn in Hell, all Catholics were going to Hell, I was going to take her with me. The asked her over and over again didn’t she feel horrible, didn’t she feel terrible and dirty inside with all that sin. They told her how the Catholic church was misleading her and worshipping false idols and that the Bible wasn’t real. My mil gave her a kjv Bible and told her that now she finally had a “real” Bible. They spent six, seven hours a night doing this, keeping her up until almost midnight and not feeding her dinner. Brainwashing her. Telling her what I would say to refute their claims and that it would just be the Devil talking.

This episode nearly broke up our marriage and took years to repair with my daughter. I still don’t know what the long-term affects will be. My mil is no longer allowed to see her unless I am standing at my daughter’s side. This has been the state for the past six years and will continue to be so.

I know this is extreme, but the comments you listed are exact ones that were said to my daughter. If they’re doing that in front of you, they are making their feelings and intentions abundantly clear. They will not stop because they feel her eternal soul is at risk and supersedes any rights or wishes you have as a parent. Be courteous, but don’t be a doormat. Don’t allow it to continue in front of you and don’t leave your daughter alone with them.
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And I thought I had it rough growing up Catholic in an extremely Baptist small town in Texas. I always knew that I had better marry a good Catholic man in order to avoid such hateful nonsense. I’m very sorry for what you have suffered for the sake of your family.
 
Xantippe said:
I don’t suggest this and I think this is wrong, but I think it’s funny:

Next time grandma does this, say back (to the baby in a sing sing talking-to-baby voice): “I guess we need to go home now because Nana isn’t respecting mommy and daddy’s boundaries!”
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That’s a perfect response! And then follow through with leaving.
 
Your folks are way out of line. As other posters have said, set boundaries and follow through with them. These “jokes” are very disrespectful–and not presenting a good witness for their faith.
 
Audreysmama said:
My husband and I are both in RCIA currently. We come from Southern Baptist families and Catholics are a very small minority where we live. Because of that, our families believe A LOT of misconceptions about the Church and are very against our joining. I’ve tried to explain and correct the misinformation, but haven’t gotten anywhere.

It’s gotten to the point where they make a lot of off color comments to my daughter (15 months) about the Church. They’re actually talking to us, but doing it in the form of
“Don’t let the Priest at the bad church hold you”
“Nana will teach you things from the real bible so you’ll actually go to Heaven”
“I bet the nuns at your new preschool hit you all the time! Mama doesn’t care.”

Finally we said we wouldn’t let our daughter stay with them if that was how they were going to talk to her. Are we overreacting? I know children need their grandparents in their life, but I don’t want her hearing things like that. It’s disrespectful to us and our faith. I don’t know what to do. :confused: 😦
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No, you are definitely not overreacting. They are being incredibly disrespectful and rude and are attempting to undermine your parenting and your faith. Boundaries need to be set so that they understand that this type of behavior is absolutely unacceptable.

I wouldn’t trust them enough to leave my child with them, at this point. I would still continue to visit as a family and all of that, but I wouldn’t leave her alone with them, and I would let them know that these types of comments must stop.
 
Audreysmama said:
My husband and I are both in RCIA currently. We come from Southern Baptist families and Catholics are a very small minority where we live. Because of that, our families believe A LOT of misconceptions about the Church and are very against our joining. I’ve tried to explain and correct the misinformation, but haven’t gotten anywhere.

It’s gotten to the point where they make a lot of off color comments to my daughter (15 months) about the Church. They’re actually talking to us, but doing it in the form of
“Don’t let the Priest at the bad church hold you”
“Nana will teach you things from the real bible so you’ll actually go to Heaven”
“I bet the nuns at your new preschool hit you all the time! Mama doesn’t care.”

Finally we said we wouldn’t let our daughter stay with them if that was how they were going to talk to her. Are we overreacting? I know children need their grandparents in their life, but I don’t want her hearing things like that. It’s disrespectful to us and our faith. I don’t know what to do. :confused: 😦
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First let me say that I admire your courage in the face of such close (and strident) opposition. I have known many in the RCIA process who faced similar challenges, and it’s not easy. I will pray for you.

Now:

Since your daughter in only 15 months old, these nasty comments are really directed at you. I disagree with people who advise you to “sing-song” some retort to your daughter, as that would be the same kind of sick triangulation they are using, and uses your daughter poorly.

So I suggest you communicate something along the following lines to your folks:

*Mom and Dad:
We are aware of your opposition to our family decision to enter the Catholic Church.
We don’t want that to turn into a hurtful situation for anyone.
Please know that we will never teach our daughter that your religious beliefs are wrong or bad, and we hope you will not try to teach her that ours are. We will teach her to love and respect you, and hope you will always communicate the same to her about us.

As for religion, let us focus on what binds us together in that regard…which is the teachings of Jesus. Therefore let us show to her a loving, caring family.
Our greatest hope is for her to grow up in a family-centered environment, and to experience the wonderful gifts of loving grandparents in her life.

To that end, we think it might be best if we all refrain from religious discussion that focuses on difference among churches, and rather focuses on what binds all Christians together. Can we perhaps come together and decide how best to proceed?

We love you,
Fred and Ethel*
 
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