Dealing with parent's foul language in kid's sports

[Newbie2]

Our family has been involved with kids sports for years; soccer, hockey, lacrosse, football, etc.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there always seems to be one parent that gets mad and drops and F-bomb, harrangues the referrees, yells at kids on the opposing team, etc. A couple of weeks ago I was at my son’s game and a parent on the opposing team dropped an F-bomb on the referee. Most of the parents on both sides reacted with “Whoh!”…however…and this is a vice, I admit it, I turned around and addressed the perp, letting him know in a nice but firm manner that such “potty mouth” language is inappropriate.

He responded by offering to “kick my ***”, and got up out of his seat but apparently thought better of it and sat right back down. Fortunately, he cooled off and didn’t curse the rest of the game.

So…I’ve got this fault…I really have a problem with parents who in full ear-shot of familites with little kids lack the self-control to curb their language, and I have a very difficult time not saying something…not yelling back or screaming at them, but making it clear that such language is inappropriate. So few people in our society will have the guts to address such behavior, even though we all agree that it’s inappropriate.

Now at a professional event, I’d just have gone to an usher or security and let them handle it…lots of times the loudmouths are drunk and discretion is the better part of valor. But at kid’s sporting events, I’m interested at how other people handle this sort of situation.

One more thing…it’s not only that I think such language is inappropriate for kids who might be there, but it offends ME as well. I don’t think I’m being overly sensitive or expect too much for people to not cross certain lines of speech, do you?

OK, one more thing…it’s people on the other team that are problematic. I have no difficulty at all talking to a parent on our team (so far we’ve been good) one-on -one in a quiet voice and dressing them down in a respectful manner, maybe after the game is over and things have cooled off.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Yeah we signed our daughter up for soccer so she can socialize and exercise with other kids (she’s 7 and homeschooled). One of the parents on our team didn’t like this bigger kid throwing elbows and said out loud to me about “beating him up” or some such nonsense. (the kids at that age are in co-ed “just learning soccer” stage.) Her kid was 3 and actually under the rules shouldn’t be on the team at all.

Some parents are just jerks when it comes to sports…sadly. They are ready to ruin the fun for the kids with their yelling and profanity like it’s a major sporting event or something and the Stanley Cup is at risk. (it’s still not ok to cuss at those events either)

I would just do what you have been doing although I’d be very careful as to the “drunkeness” of the offending adult. My uncle and nephew were called as witnesses in court for a trial of a guy that flipped out on a Ref and took a baseball bat to him causing near fatal injury since he tossed his kid out of the game. (little league) Psychos are unpredictable…

DoT

 

[Newbie2]

My uncle and nephew were called as witnesses in court for a trial of a guy that flipped out on a Ref and took a baseball bat to him causing near fatal injury since he tossed his kid out of the game. (little league) Psychos are unpredictable…

DoT

Wow. Sounds like the movie “The Apostle”.

One thing I didn’t mention is the upcoming football season. My son goes to a Catholic High School and it’s unbelievable what some parents who you’ve seen at mass a week beforehand will say in the stands.

Anyway, I’d be interested in how others have handled this sort of thing.

 

[Rico_S]

I am pretty involved in youth sports and sadly, this is all too common. And basketball is THE WORST.

But at kid’s sporting events, I’m interested at how other people handle this sort of situation.

I think standing up and commenting like you did is ok, but parents calling out other parents has the potentional for escalation…especially when dealing with some of the belligerent bozos at youth sporting events. Ideally, the referee/umpire should take care of this. If he didn’t hear it then the your coach should explain to the ref the problem and the ref should take care of it (talk to the other coach to keep his parents in line, eject the villain…etc.). If the ref won’t do anything, then your coach should report it to the league and insist on some follow up. Going throught the “proper” channels I think is probably best.

IThat being said, some leagues/refs are better at policing this stuff than others. If someone is getting way out of line, I don’t see a problem with standing up and saying so.

It is truly astounding how worked up parents get at these games sometimes…and I am as competitve as they come. It is like they lose all perspective.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I used to play soccer and softball as a kid…I was in my high school’s marching band, so I was also at the football games, as well as some field trips to college football games…I never got that. OK, the fans at the COLLEGE game swore less than people do at kids’ games!!!

Not only that, I played rugby for a semester. Our parents came to our game on Parents’ Weekend and were very well behaved. Same with most of our friends!! And this in a team of girls who did have potty-mouths!!

Maybe address this with the league and have rules about it? Like, you will be asked to leave if you don’t do xyz?

 

[Rascalking]

I have a pet peeve about using foul language in front of women and children. I admit, I’m guilty with male friends sometimes, but never in mixed company or around children, so am I a hypocrite? I guess so. Mea Culpa.

What I will do is call people out if they do use very foul language in front of kids. I’ve said to them before, “It’s called the language of the ignorant-your proving that point quite well.” Or, “Wow! What a charmer-clearly, the decency Gods skipped you!” I’ve said those two lines in public to several people (sadly, one was a member of the family) and it has worked quite well. Usually, people either 1) shut up or 2) cement their position low class, ignorant people.

I can be a bit bold sometimes, it doesn’t work for everyone, but try it-maybe in private, but if needed, public humiliation can work if the perpetrator is being really rude.

 

[CoffeeHound]

Ideally, the referee/umpire should take care of this. If he didn’t hear it then the your coach should explain to the ref the problem and the ref should take care of it (talk to the other coach to keep his parents in line, eject the villain…etc.).

I don’t think it’s fair to push all of that onto the coach, who is usually just a parent volunteer, or an umpire, who in younger leagues are either volunteers or teenage kids. If you’re an adult and in the stands, it’s your responsibility to say something.

You don’t have to be confrontational, just something like “Hey, man, there kids around here. Watch it.” might be enough to get them to stop. If they’re more of the threatening / yelling type, I keep the non-emergency phone number of the local police department in my phone. They’re usually happy to send someone by that’s already on patrol in the area.

 

[Rico_S]

Hi coffeehound:

I don’t think it’s fair to push all of that onto the coach, who is usually just a parent volunteer, or an umpire, who in younger leagues are either volunteers or teenage kids. If you’re an adult and in the stands, it’s your responsibility to say something.

Just to give you some perspective of my view, I am a volunteer coach for soccer. And the leagues with which I am associated have rules that say the coach is responsible for keeping their parents in line. So, going through the proper channels—ref–> opposing coach–> to crazy fan is just the “by the rules” way of going about things. I think this is the best way to approach it with especially unruly parents.

You don’t have to be confrontational, just something like “Hey, man, there kids around here. Watch it.” might be enough to get them to stop.

I think this is fine…and probably more effective then a more confrontational approach.

 

[Alexander_Smith]

There’s nothing quite as pathetic as grown ups whining and cursing about the unfair treatment of their child.

I usually witness this at martial arts tournaments, where some parents will literally hunt all over for somebody with a camera who may have recorded “evidence” in their favor. Some parents will talk to every judge they can to find someone who will render justice to their situation just because their kid lost by 1 point.



Some example.

 

[Laura_Ic]

Reading these posts make me scared to get my child involved in sports when he gets older. How sad these kids just can’t enjoy themselves while playing a sport they love without some idiot parents cursing and ruining the fun.

 

[Rascalking]

Reading these posts make me scared to get my child involved in sports when he gets older. How sad these kids just can’t enjoy themselves while playing a sport they love without some idiot parents cursing and ruining the fun.

I have a niece and nephew and I feel the same way!

 

[EasterJoy]

I think the question is a good one for the president and/or board of directors of the league. If the league has a strong policy and a designated officer of the league at each game to take care of these problems, then there is a good avenue of recourse open. Very often, the fact that the policy is enforced prevents the majority of problems from even occurring. Most people with these problems have about as much self-control as they are required to have.

If the league doesn’t handle it directly, then it is probably better to stay under the radar of people who have poor self-control and poor anger-management skills. Better yet, do your homework and enroll your child in programs where the issue is dealt with effectively. As more people get fed up, these are getting easier and easier to find.

 

[Lutheranteach]

Wow…I guess I’m lucky my kid is in the baseball league he’s in. Every parent has to read and sign a form about behavior and there is a league trustee at every game. Anyone gets out of hand the game stops and doesn’t start again until they leave. They don’t leave or cause more trouble, it’s a forfeit. As someone who has coached and officiated I suggest having officials that make an effort to deliver good calls and makes them in a timely manner and it doesn’t hurt to call it loud. As a coach I only want two things from officials, and only one of them is worth giving them a hard time about. A) KEEP THE KIDS SAFE, and B) be consistent. Here is what every player’s parent has to sign

• I will not engage in taunting, profanity or other un-sportsmanlike conduct
• I will not abuse the umpires’ and will treat them with respect
• I will encourage good sportsmanship by exemplifying positive support for all players, coaches and officials at every game and practice
• I will remember that the game is for children, and not for adults
• I will place the emotional and physical well-being of my child ahead of any “personal” desire to win
• I will do my very best to make youth sports fun for my child
• I will provide support for coaches and officials working with my child to provide an enjoyable, positive experience for all
• I will ask my child to treat other players, coaches, fans & officials with respect regardless of ability
• I will respect the rights of other spectators so they may also enjoy the game.

I also agree that if I fail to abide by the above guidelines, I will be subject to disciplinary action that could include, but is not limited to:

1. Verbal warning issued by an Umpire, League Director or a Trustee .
2. Written warning issued by the League Director or the Board of Trustees .
3. Ejection from the field area or City Park where league activities are taking place by the Plate Umpire or City official present
   4.Suspension from Lyndhurst Dads’ Club events, games or even the season if so determined by the Board of Trustees upon a hearing.

 

[CoffeeHound]

Reading these posts make me scared to get my child involved in sports when he gets older. How sad these kids just can’t enjoy themselves while playing a sport they love without some idiot parents cursing and ruining the fun.

In my experience, it’s pretty common to run into parents that take games too serious, but most sit in the stands and make comments to themselves. It’s rare to run into a parent that yells at the kids, but when it does happen, it’s troubling.

 

[Newbie2]

I think the question is a good one for the president and/or board of directors of the league. If the league has a strong policy and a designated officer of the league at each game to take care of these problems, then there is a good avenue of recourse open. Very often, the fact that the policy is enforced prevents the majority of problems from even occurring. Most people with these problems have about as much self-control as they are required to have.

If the league doesn’t handle it directly, then it is probably better to stay under the radar of people who have poor self-control and poor anger-management skills. Better yet, do your homework and enroll your child in programs where the issue is dealt with effectively. As more people get fed up, these are getting easier and easier to find.

Leagues are a bit easier to deal with than tournaments. Most of the problems that I’ve run into over the years have been at a tournament where complaining to the officials (not the referees, but the people running the tournament) usually fall on deaf ears or are met with lip service.

I’m more interested in what others have done or would suggest doing right when it happens.

 

[EasterJoy]

Leagues are a bit easier to deal with than tournaments. Most of the problems that I’ve run into over the years have been at a tournament where complaining to the officials (not the referees, but the people running the tournament) usually fall on deaf ears or are met with lip service.

I’m more interested in what others have done or would suggest doing right when it happens.

Asking those who have jurisdiction over the event to step in sometimes has the desired effect, although sometimes even they decide that discretion is the better part of valor. Otherwise, I’d be surprised if a direct confrontation would stop someone who was not already ashamed of his or her outburst (and therefore likely to have stopped without a confrontation).

I think that if you confront a verbally abusive and still-angry person directly, particularly at a sporting event, your chances of anything like the desired outcome are much lower than your chances of enflaming someone who is already out of control due to frustration that their opinions are not getting enough favorable attention. This would be particularly true if the offensive person were a stranger who was supporting the opposing team. I would* not* automatically assume that a person who is not literally drunk is very much safer to confront. I would also not be too sure that you will not be judged partly responsible for the continuing outburst, if you enter the fray in any way whatsoever. Umpires do not always bother to be Solomon on this kind of thing.

It is not unusual that teams must, under the rules, take responsibility for controlling their own boosters, to the point that an umpire can make offending teams forfeit because of extremely bad behavior in the stands. If you have to talk to someone, you might go to the dugout of the team the person seems to be supporting, and ask one of their coaches to either stop the offending behavior or ask the person to leave.

Matt. 7:6: "Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces."

 

[Lutheranteach]

Leagues are a bit easier to deal with than tournaments. Most of the problems that I’ve run into over the years have been at a tournament where complaining to the officials (not the referees, but the people running the tournament) usually fall on deaf ears or are met with lip service.

I’m more interested in what others have done or would suggest doing right when it happens.

I have seen a baseball tourney director tell a coach that if he berated an umpire one more time he and his team would be done, entry fee not returned, and would forfeit every game to that point and the director mean every word of it. Drop the hammer early and hard and just make it very clear it’s not going to be tolerated.

 

[Alexander_Smith]

Wow…I guess I’m lucky my kid is in the baseball league he’s in. Every parent has to read and sign a form about behavior and there is a league trustee at every game. Anyone gets out of hand the game stops and doesn’t start again until they leave. They don’t leave or cause more trouble, it’s a forfeit. As someone who has coached and officiated I suggest having officials that make an effort to deliver good calls and makes them in a timely manner and it doesn’t hurt to call it loud. As a coach I only want two things from officials, and only one of them is worth giving them a hard time about. A) KEEP THE KIDS SAFE, and B) be consistent. Here is what every player’s parent has to sign

• I will not engage in taunting, profanity or other un-sportsmanlike conduct
• I will not abuse the umpires’ and will treat them with respect
• I will encourage good sportsmanship by exemplifying positive support for all players, coaches and officials at every game and practice
• I will remember that the game is for children, and not for adults
• I will place the emotional and physical well-being of my child ahead of any “personal” desire to win
• I will do my very best to make youth sports fun for my child
• I will provide support for coaches and officials working with my child to provide an enjoyable, positive experience for all
• I will ask my child to treat other players, coaches, fans & officials with respect regardless of ability
• I will respect the rights of other spectators so they may also enjoy the game.

I also agree that if I fail to abide by the above guidelines, I will be subject to disciplinary action that could include, but is not limited to:

1. Verbal warning issued by an Umpire, League Director or a Trustee .
2. Written warning issued by the League Director or the Board of Trustees .
3. Ejection from the field area or City Park where league activities are taking place by the Plate Umpire or City official present
   4.Suspension from Lyndhurst Dads’ Club events, games or even the season if so determined by the Board of Trustees upon a hearing.

That’s excellent.

Funny how most of the time, the kids don’t really care, but the parents sure do. They’re hardly teaching good sportsmanship by making a scene over every loss.

 

[Newbie2]

Asking those who have jurisdiction over the event to step in sometimes has the desired effect, although sometimes even they decide that discretion is the better part of valor.

Methinks referees sometimes get intimidated. I’d make a lousy referee…I’d stop play every time I heard an F-bomb.

Otherwise, I’d be surprised if a direct confrontation would stop someone who was not already ashamed of his or her outburst (and therefore likely to have stopped without a confrontation).

That’s a good point. In my latest experience, the guy shut up and didn’t make a peep for the rest of the game, but if someone is a real jerk, there’s no reason for them to stop, at least in their small minds.

I think that if you confront a verbally abusive and still-angry person directly, particularly at a sporting event, your chances of anything like the desired outcome are much lower than your chances of enflaming someone who is already out of control due to frustration that their opinions are not getting enough favorable attention. This would be particularly true if the offensive person were a stranger who was supporting the opposing team. I would* not* automatically assume that a person who is not literally drunk is very much safer to confront. I would also not be too sure that you will not be judged partly responsible for the continuing outburst, if you enter the fray in any way whatsoever. Umpires do not always bother to be Solomon on this kind of thing.

Exactly. I had an experience in another sport where I confronted a couple parents on our own team who were being verbally abusive to the refs…who ignored them…but I couldn’t in good conscious let it go. We had a big team meeting, and it came out that our own coaches were OK with our parents yelling at the refs. Believe me, it was a very, very long season. The coach actually rationalized that since refs are trained to ignore that kind of abuse from parents, it’s OK. As well, the coaches told us that if the refs were doing a bad job, that too made it OK to verbally abuse them. I finally decided just to sit with the parents of the opposing team for the rest of the season, and that worked out pretty well.

Oh, and I reported the coach to the head of the division (who just happened to be a personal friend) and that was the last year he coached in our Association.

It is not unusual that teams must, under the rules, take responsibility for controlling their own boosters, to the point that an umpire can make offending teams forfeit because of extremely bad behavior in the stands. If you have to talk to someone, you might go to the dugout of the team the person seems to be supporting, and ask one of their coaches to either stop the offending behavior or ask the person to leave.

That does work out well in certain sports, but not in others. In Hockey, Lacrosse and Football, the parents are usually situated at the opposite side of the coaches and players. I guess that’d work out better with the younger kids…once they get to High School age, not many people are concerned about filthy language.

Matt. 7:6: "Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces."

I have seen a baseball tourney director tell a coach that if he berated an umpire one more time he and his team would be done, entry fee not returned, and would forfeit every game to that point and the director mean every word of it. Drop the hammer early and hard and just make it very clear it’s not going to be tolerated.

Seems part of the problem, IMHO, is that especially with high-school aged teams that some coaches, administrators and parents think that just because the kids are being exposed to that sort of language that it’s not a big deal for the parents to spew out such filth (on an occasional basis). Perhaps it’s as much a societal issue as it is one of self-control.

 

[EasterJoy]

Seems part of the problem, IMHO, is that especially with high-school aged teams that some coaches, administrators and parents think that just because the kids are being exposed to that sort of language that it’s not a big deal for the parents to spew out such filth (on an occasional basis). Perhaps it’s as much a societal issue as it is one of self-control.

The penduluum seems to be swinging back, at least in our area. It is just not being tolerated, not even at the high school level. Foul language slips out once in awhile, but the persistently foul-mouthed and verbally abusive are being asked to leave games, and not come back in the future.

I think this is in part a way to avoid the physical assaults that were taking place at sporting events. If you let people spew just anything, it is foreseeable that serious physical violence will be sometimes the way the situation ends up. Since an occasional violent end is foreseeable, if the school district does nothing to stop it, some juries will hold them liable. I don’t like the concept of making the deep-pocket institution responsible for idiots, but in this case, there might be some truth to the charges. Youth baseball leagues don’t usually have that kind of money, though, so they may not be so afraid of possible litigation for failing to act.