Dealing with possible homosexuals in the family or elsewhere

[Jas2282]

This year Ive attempted to get closer to God, and Ive done more reading and research but possibly not enough and definitely not as much as some of you on these forums… my dilemma is I have someone in my family who considers herself a lesbian…you can probably see my fear for her… I’m not saying being gay is a greater sin that any other sexual immoral sin, but I personally think it is because it is a whole lifestyle and it doesn’t look easier to change. I don’t know how to handle it, and I know my first approach was a mistake…like Ive mentioned Ive only recently come back to the faith, so only some years back I was neutral on this subject in general and on her side when it came to dealing with the family and convincing them it was ok. She is now ignoring me and like I said I possibly took the wrong approach by telling her what my fear was (that she would go to hell)… I know today I wouldn’t have said it that way. but Id like some opinions on this subject. Thanks.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

As far as “dealing” with it … just love her and pray for her as you would anyone else. I don’t see any difference.

 

[LoyalViews]

This year Ive attempted to get closer to God, and Ive done more reading and research but possibly not enough and definitely not as much as some of you on these forums… my dilemma is I have someone in my family who considers herself a lesbian…you can probably see my fear for her… I’m not saying being gay is a greater sin that any other sexual immoral sin, but I personally think it is because it is a whole lifestyle and it doesn’t look easier to change. I don’t know how to handle it, and I know my first approach was a mistake…like Ive mentioned Ive only recently come back to the faith, so only some years back I was neutral on this subject in general and on her side when it came to dealing with the family and convincing them it was ok. She is now ignoring me and like I said I possibly took the wrong approach by telling her what my fear was (that she would go to hell)… I know today I wouldn’t have said it that way. but Id like some opinions on this subject. Thanks.

Well, first we must remember that homosexuality is not a sin. Homosexuality, which is disordered, on it’s own, is not a sin. The Catechism says “Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that “homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.” They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.”

The Church urges those with homosexual inclinations to remain chaste.

What is a sin though, is acting upon these homosexual inclinations, that is a sin. So, your family member, who is a lesbian, should know this. Also, having a homosexual in the family does not hinder you from being close to God. You’re probably closer than you might think.

I don’t know if just you alone can change this, but the best thing to do is to pray!

How about look at Courage…OR refer your family member to Courage, who can help.

God Bless :byzsoc:

 

[DeniseNY]

As far as “dealing” with it … just love her and pray for her as you would anyone else. I don’t see any difference.

Agreed.

 

[Petersmate]

I have a gay son and daughter. Here is my thread - forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=661027

 

[Jas2282]

I have a gay son and daughter. Here is my thread - forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=661027

Thank you Peter, I can only sympathize with your pain because the person I am referring to is my younger sibling and even though it is hard for me, I know it is worse for my parents. I will pray for you.

I also want to say thanks for link to your thread… I have just finished reading all of it and surprisingly there was alot of people on it who are attracted to the same sex but are trying to come back to the church or never left it… sadly that is not the case for my sister… as a matter of fact she isn’t having any of it and she even told me she didn’t believe in my God. I personally think you can be born more inclined to homosexuality because of hormone imbalances and I also believe you can become gay…because yes I do believe it can be learned…as a Family therapist… from my experience alot of disorders can be learned… so for someone to say there is no way to become straight or gay if you aren’t born that way… I respectfully disagree, you can conditioned (but it is the hardest thing ever if you don’t want any part of it). I personally don’t know what caused my sister to go down that path… too many variables to consider… all I know is, it is a sin and yes we are all sinners but being attracted to the same sex and acting on it, in a world that is slowly but surely saying its ok to do whatever you want as long as you are happy…it is like swimming against the current to go up against them… you will be the one who is looked at as the crazy fanatic…however I knew once I started getting closer to God, I have to learn to stand my ground and understand that MOST people will disagree with me, for For “wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”. So after reading all the comments, I agree with everyone who says pray and love unconditionally but find the right moment to talk with that family in order to make sure they understand how you feel about them and your beliefs about the situation.

 

[Petersmate]

Thank you Peter, I can only sympathize with your pain because the person I am referring to is my younger sibling and even though it is hard for me, I know it is worse for my parents. I will pray for you.

I also want to say thanks for link to your thread… I have just finished reading all of it and surprisingly there was alot of people on it who are attracted to the same sex but are trying to come back to the church or never left it… sadly that is not the case for my sister… as a matter of fact she isn’t having any of it and she even told me she didn’t believe in my God. I personally think you can be born more inclined to homosexuality because of hormone imbalances and I also believe you can become gay…because yes I do believe it can be learned…as a Family therapist… from my experience alot of disorders can be learned… so for someone to say there is no way to become straight or gay if you aren’t born that way… I respectfully disagree, you can conditioned (but it is the hardest thing ever if you don’t want any part of it). I personally don’t know what caused my sister to go down that path… too many variables to consider… all I know is, it is a sin and yes we are all sinners but being attracted to the same sex and acting on it, in a world that is slowly but surely saying its ok to do whatever you want as long as you are happy…it is like swimming against the current to go up against them… you will be the one who is looked at as the crazy fanatic…however I knew once I started getting closer to God, I have to learn to stand my ground and understand that MOST people will disagree with me, for For “wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”. So after reading all the comments, I agree with everyone who says pray and love unconditionally but find the right moment to talk with that family in order to make sure they understand how you feel about them and your beliefs about the situation.

What i find difficult Jas is bringing the subject up at an appropriate time. I feel a need to tell them that what they are doing is wrong but if I bring it up too often it creates tention. I feel if I say nothing then I’m telling them that I’m okay with their homosexuality. Very difficult indeed.
And yes pray like your life depends on it, pray the rosary regularly.

 

[Jas2282]

What i find difficult Jas is bringing the subject up at an appropriate time. I feel a need to tell them that what they are doing is wrong but if I bring it up too often it creates tention. I feel if I say nothing then I’m telling them that I’m okay with their homosexuality. Very difficult indeed.
And yes pray like your life depends on it, pray the rosary regularly.

I think aside from praying wich I will do, I am going to add something more to the equation… I will try to inspire / lead by example… instead of just talking… as a family I am connected to my sister, as you are to your son therefore we can still impact them and create change by changing ourselves.

Just yesterday I told a client of mine " if you want your son to believe in you then you have to sell yourself much better… if you were to go to the gym and ask for a personal trainer and you got one who was fat and out of shape… how much would you trust this person?"

How do we sell Jesus/ God/ The Holy Spirit? by example… I think once we have been filled with the spirit people will notice and ask questions, then we can talk to them and explain how you got there… its just a thought, I myself don’t believe I’m there yet but I am Working on it.

 

[Elizabeth502]

It has taken a long time, but my own relative eventually stopped substituting the lifestyle for his deep inner needs. No one of us deliberately set out to turn him from the behavior. Rather, we accepted him without criticism, and merely focused on his happiness, his emotional needs and satisfaction. I don’t know if it was our approach that achieved that, but we were certainly persistent about being genuine with him, always bringing the subject back to whether he was happy.

We accepted his partner, too, without criticism, embracing him with our behavior (not our words) as someone who cared for him. He has always been invited to family functions and was never rejected or marginalized. We are still on good terms with this ex-partner and have never commented on that long-term relationship (now ended and now non-physical). His partner has admitted that our relative was not happy in the lifestyle; that came forth from him, not as a result of any pressured questioning on our part. Since then, my relative has pursued heterosexual relationships.

Love and honesty (truth) are not contradictory. The best way to love is through emotional honesty, not socially-pressured “tolerance” of every behavior a person engages in, but rather with an open and persistent pursuit of relieving the pain of our brothers and sisters.

 

[Jas2282]

It has taken a long time, but my own relative eventually stopped substituting the lifestyle for his deep inner needs. No one of us deliberately set out to turn him from the behavior. Rather, we accepted him without criticism, and merely focused on his happiness, his emotional needs and satisfaction. I don’t know if it was our approach that achieved that, but we were certainly persistent about being genuine with him, always bringing the subject back to whether he was happy.

We accepted his partner, too, without criticism, embracing him with our behavior (not our words) as someone who cared for him. He has always been invited to family functions and was never rejected or marginalized. We are still on good terms with this ex-partner and have never commented on that long-term relationship (now ended and now non-physical). His partner has admitted that our relative was not happy in the lifestyle; that came forth from him, not as a result of any pressured questioning on our part. Since then, my relative has pursued heterosexual relationships.

Love and honesty (truth) are not contradictory. The best way to love is through emotional honesty, not socially-pressured “tolerance” of every behavior a person engages in, but rather with an open and persistent pursuit of relieving the pain of our brothers and sisters.

Seems to me like there are too many variables here, I believe in the possibility of being born more inclined to liking the same sex as well as being conditioned (or traumatic event, rape) to like the same sex…so I don’t really know if your relative was simply a very sexual person due to past traumatic event…so it is hard to say if being honest and loving is the cure for turning straight… however I do like your comment because it falls in line with what I said about leading by example instead of nagging. After all there is nothing else one can do right?

 

[Elizabeth502]

Seems to me like there are too many variables here, I believe in the possibility of being born more inclined to liking the same sex as well as being conditioned (or traumatic event, rape) to like the same sex…so I don’t really know if your relative was simply a very sexual person due to past traumatic event…

People do not necessarily “become very sexual due to past traumatic event.” In the case of females it can be studied in the clinical literature that victims of incest in particular often take one of several paths: avoidance of men, consecrated virginity, or promiscuity/ prostitution. It doesn’t mean that any of those three populations are comprised mostly of sexually abused females, but it is indeed a statistical fact that girls abused especially by their fathers often (not always) take one of these paths. I haven’t read the literature on whether males also choose or drift into those options. (And I am speaking about a male.)

However, your comment about “becoming very sexual” is bordering on a stereotype about homosexuals. (That they are “more sexed” than heterosexuals.) The aspect of sexual frequency is more complex, relating to individual variations, as well as different norms of behavior in an all-male environment (vs. a mixed environment), as well as (often) the substitution of the more complete relationship possible in a complementary (male/female) one, for simply “more of the same.” The latter is also reported in the clinical literature. However, I haven’t read that lesbians --whatever the origination of their own attraction-- necessarily have more frequent sex than heterosexual women.

In any case, my relative is not, nor was, “a very sexual person.” (vs. normal)

so it is hard to say if being honest and loving is the cure for turning straight… however I do like your comment because it falls in line with what I said about leading by example instead of nagging.

First of all, I don’t like the word “cure,” nor the phrase “turning straight.” If you adhere (as I do) to the teachings of the Church, and if one understands those teachings well, it is more a case of returning to an original (ordered) sexuality after departing to a disordered lifestyle in an attempt to “cure” the wounds lacking in the model of healthy heterosexuality, a model which is normally shown in a loving, accepting father-figure who respects the integrity of his son, doesn’t try to change his son’s innate personality, is open to his son, is present to his son at the crucial very early years, and therefore does not generate in the son an impulse to seek that father figure in a different (inappropriate) intimacy.

Also, this might be splitting hairs, but I don’t just mean “not nagging.” The thing about truly open love is that it is transparent, mirroring the love of God, which inevitably urges people Home to Him. I’m not saying our family are saints or anything , but merely that complete surrender to the hidden goodness of another is possible for all of us, and when it occurs (with God’s grace), it allows those we connect with to convert more easily, due to the irresistibility of God’s own love. I say this even more from my own experience (as being on the receiving end of others with “pure” love for me, whose love encouraged me to goodness and away from evil, or opposition to God’s law).

Hope that helps.

 

[thistle]

This year Ive attempted to get closer to God, and Ive done more reading and research but possibly not enough and definitely not as much as some of you on these forums… my dilemma is I have someone in my family who considers herself a lesbian…you can probably see my fear for her… I’m not saying being gay is a greater sin that any other sexual immoral sin, but I personally think it is because it is a whole lifestyle and it doesn’t look easier to change. I don’t know how to handle it, and I know my first approach was a mistake…like Ive mentioned Ive only recently come back to the faith, so only some years back I was neutral on this subject in general and on her side when it came to dealing with the family and convincing them it was ok. She is now ignoring me and like I said I possibly took the wrong approach by telling her what my fear was (that she would go to hell)… I know today I wouldn’t have said it that way. but Id like some opinions on this subject. Thanks.

I have two nephews who are actively gay. They are Catholic and know the Church teachings and they know that I do not condone such a lifestyle. However, none of that changes my relationship with them. I have always loved them and nothing changes that.

 

[scree]

As far as “dealing” with it … just love her and pray for her as you would anyone else. I don’t see any difference.

+1

 

[Jas2282]

People do not necessarily “become very sexual due to past traumatic event.” In the case of females it can be studied in the clinical literature that victims of incest in particular often take one of several paths: avoidance of men, consecrated virginity, or promiscuity/ prostitution. It doesn’t mean that any of those three populations are comprised mostly of sexually abused females, but it is indeed a statistical fact that girls abused especially by their fathers often (not always) take one of these paths. I haven’t read the literature on whether males also choose or drift into those options. (And I am speaking about a male.)

However, your comment about “becoming very sexual” is bordering on a stereotype about homosexuals. (That they are “more sexed” than heterosexuals.) The aspect of sexual frequency is more complex, relating to individual variations, as well as different norms of behavior in an all-male environment (vs. a mixed environment), as well as (often) the substitution of the more complete relationship possible in a complementary (male/female) one, for simply “more of the same.” The latter is also reported in the clinical literature. However, I haven’t read that lesbians --whatever the origination of their own attraction-- necessarily have more frequent sex than heterosexual women.

In any case, my relative is not, nor was, “a very sexual person.” (vs. normal)

First of all, I don’t like the word “cure,” nor the phrase “turning straight.” If you adhere (as I do) to the teachings of the Church, and if one understands those teachings well, it is more a case of returning to an original (ordered) sexuality after departing to a disordered lifestyle in an attempt to “cure” the wounds lacking in the model of healthy heterosexuality, a model which is normally shown in a loving, accepting father-figure who respects the integrity of his son, doesn’t try to change his son’s innate personality, is open to his son, is present to his son at the crucial very early years, and therefore does not generate in the son an impulse to seek that father figure in a different (inappropriate) intimacy.

Also, this might be splitting hairs, but I don’t just mean “not nagging.” The thing about truly open love is that it is transparent, mirroring the love of God, which inevitably urges people Home to Him. I’m not saying our family are saints or anything , but merely that complete surrender to the hidden goodness of another is possible for all of us, and when it occurs (with God’s grace), it allows those we connect with to convert more easily, due to the irresistibility of God’s own love. I say this even more from my own experience (as being on the receiving end of others with “pure” love for me, whose love encouraged me to goodness and away from evil, or opposition to God’s law).

Hope that helps.

I think you misunderstood me, I said there was too many variables and being very sexual could be one. I’m not saying lesbians or gays are necessarily very sexual, but they can be… and again being very sexual can also be caused by various things and cause people to experiment.

If I was using my Therapeutic hat I also wouldn’t use the word cure in this discussion because it goes against most of our philosophy but as a Catholic (not negating love and understand) this is more of a black & white issue. You see only a few years ago I was agnostic and had a neutral view of this topic… which fit my profession perfectly now as I coming back to the church I am having some adjustment issues because I cant simply view this in a neutral way anymore, therefore I made a rookie mistake and hence this is why I made this thread… after having read Pete’s thread and everyone’s comments on there and on here… I believe that yes I have to pray because in doing so I am leaving it in Gods hands but at the same time I must put some boundaries or else I am saying it is ok?