Dealing with spouse in severe denial

[stinkcat_14]

My wife and I are having what appears to be our final dispute. We have been married for 18 years and she suffers from PTSD. She suffered severe abuse from a family member during childhood. On occasion, she will admit that she was abused, but probably not in the last ten years. Much of what I know (which is not much) comes from what her sister has told me. She has all the symptoms of PTSD, but she will not deal with it or with or even admit that she has it. We have intimacy issues and when I told her she should deal with the underlying cause (the abuse she suffered) she said she wanted a divorce. One time we were visiting her sister (who had been drinking) said “he molested you too” and her comment to me was “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. Of course, that is the story of her life, running away from the man behind the curtain. I told her that I am going to go see see someone about our issues. She said she is not interested in what any psychologist says and not to use any psychology on her. I am probably not going home tonight, I just cannot live in such a toxic environment. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can only do what you can do. Your marital issues are your issues, but her inner issues are something she can keep to herself and you can’t do anything about it.

You are going to need the support of your friends and family, but this is not a matter for amateurs. Get people to help you who have some knowledge of this difficult road you are on, and make your decisions with their help. I’d suggest you set up an appointment with your pastor, so you can figure out how your are going to “vent” in a professional environment (be that pastoral or in other counseling) that will help you to cope with the problems ahead as well as possible.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, do go for your own counseling even if your wife will not. You cannot change other people, only yourself. Perhaps counseling will enable you to hang on to your marriage, be sympathetic to your wife, or learn strategies for dealing with her in order to help her. It may help, it may not. But going would be the most positive thing you could do for yourself and your wife. If anything, you will know that you did all that you could before “giving up.” I am sorry that you are going through this. Please consider starting a thread in the prayer intentions forum. Prayer can be powerful.

 

[stinkcat_14]

Thank you both. I agree that the best thing for me right now is counseling. Deep down, I think the real problem is that she is really scared. That is the really sad thing, I think that she is so scared of dealing with her deep wounds, that she would rather push me away than deal with them. The problem is, she treats me as the enemy rather than an ally.

I did post a prayer request a while back. I do agree that prayer does work wonders.

 

[Irishmom2]

Okay, found it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you both. I agree that the best thing for me right now is counseling. Deep down, I think the real problem is that she is really scared. That is the really sad thing, I think that she is so scared of dealing with her deep wounds, that she would rather push me away than deal with them. The problem is, she treats me as the enemy rather than an ally.

I did post a prayer request a while back. I do agree that prayer does work wonders.

I would not necessarily say “would rather” push you away. That is possible, but it is also possible that she “feels she needs to” push you away. She may not be in a position to see any choice about confronting whatever it is that she is avoiding. That doesn’t mean that it is negotiable that she do it or that there is a way to “work around” the serious problems this situation of hers is causing your marriage. I mean only that she may lack the capacity to do otherwise, at least at present.

 

[stinkcat_14]

I would not necessarily say “would rather” push you away. That is possible, but it is also possible that she “feels she needs to” push you away. She may not be in a position to see any choice about confronting whatever it is that she is avoiding. That doesn’t mean that it is negotiable that she do it or that there is a way to “work around” the serious problems this situation of hers is causing your marriage. I mean only that she may lack the capacity to do otherwise, at least at present.

You very well may be right.

 

[EasterJoy]

You very well may be right.

I hope she develops both the capacity and the will very soon. Even if it does not save your marriage, for her own sake I hope she can get free of this. Can’t get out of that prison without opening that door.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

Praying for you both. I encourage you to seek professional relationship counselling, find someone who counsels both of you separately and together. :hug1:

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think that she is so scared of dealing with her deep wounds, that she would rather push me away than deal with them. The problem is, she treats me as the enemy rather than an ally.

Please put yourself in your sife shoes. These wounds are DEEP and need EXTRA compassion. A hurt person often tests the waters before opening up. In the past, she has possibly said something small about her pain to see how you would react. And your reaction hurt her. She can’t afford more pain so she will NOT open up deeper. Until she knows she is 100% safe, she is actually being wise not talking about it.

Example:

Wife says ‘ABC hurt me’

Husband says ‘ah, don’t worry no biggy’

Wife is thinking how could that be no biggy ??? your attempt to make her feel better hurt her even more.

So, as much as I think it is great you go to counscelling, it should NOT be with the intent of fixing her

Angie

 

[stinkcat_14]

Please put yourself in your sife shoes. These wounds are DEEP and need EXTRA compassion. A hurt person often tests the waters before opening up. In the past, she has possibly said something small about her pain to see how you would react. And your reaction hurt her. She can’t afford more pain so she will NOT open up deeper. Until she knows she is 100% safe, she is actually being wise not talking about it.

Example:

Wife says ‘ABC hurt me’

Husband says ‘ah, don’t worry no biggy’

Wife is thinking how could that be no biggy ??? your attempt to make her feel better hurt her even more.

So, as much as I think it is great you go to counscelling, it should NOT be with the intent of fixing her

Angie

It is possible. But I have to say that it is probably impossible to have sufficient compassion to satisfy my wife. There seems to be two set of rules in my house. I have to treat her with kid gloves and she gets to say the meanest vilest things possible. I really don’t believe she is evil, just really really scared. She does not understand that her problems are not my fault. I am willing to help her and to be as compassionate as possible, but you cannot help someone who is so entrenched in their comfort zone that they refuse to face their demons.