Dealing with the Gay family member at Christmas

[BlueEyedLady]

Your parents and entire family are so wonderfully loving, Blue.

They really are. My family has its share of dysfunction and problems, but they are very welcoming and have always had the attitude that blood is not what makes a family.

 

[dshix]

I find it interesting how you once again resorted to emotion to post. You also did not address all of my points.

A choice!?

Tell me, why did I choose to be gay when I wanted to die for it? Why do so many young people “choose” to be gay in high school, because they enjoy getting beat up? I won’t even address the ridiculousness in your post, because the ignorance is disturbing, and what a shame that you use your religion to justify it.

People choose to be gay because of their carnal desires. They place these desires above relationships with other people, the moral law, and the natural law. Don’t ask me why you did it, ask yourself.

Homosexual agenda? Perhaps I shouldn’t blame you for this indoctrination, but rather Fox News or Rush Limbaugh. I suppose if “being loved and accepted by my parents” is a homosexuality agenda, then consider me guilty.

Indoctrination? Hehe, I reached this conclusion on my own and by my observations of homosexual actions. Homosexual groups try to take the attention off of their own actions by casting the doubt on other people opposing them and accusing them of “hate” and “discrimination.” You know this, don’t try to fake it.

I suppose if “being loved and accepted by my parents” is a homosexuality agenda, then consider me guilty.

I think this statement is an absolute lie on your part. If you loved your parents why did you leave them? If you loved them, you should have been trying to reconnect with them and worked over all this “pain and sorrow” to try and convince them. No, what did you do? Left. In your own words:

I only hope that the pain they caused me that day lives in their hearts forever.

So just think about before you decide to do such a thing. Remember, you will reap what you sew.

If this is love, I’m a cow. This is hateful, spiteful, and an act of taking revenge.

I envy the gay people who have loving/accepting religious parents, and pity the ones who are like yourself and my parents. It’s a shame that I couldn’t “choose” my parents…

I think your parents are very loving of you. They don’t want you to live out this lifestyle of confusion and hate. They have reached out to you many times in the past years, but you have rejected them. Your hate is breaking their hearts.

I speak in these hard terms because I think you need a wakeup call. You are thinking and speaking in a way that suggests you feel like a victim; you have been beat down, trampled, neglected. But evil is doing this to you and making you think that those who love you most really hate you!

Please understand. This is a hard thing to defeat, but I think you can do it.

 

[Boccherini]

One day, we went through a similar predicament during Christmas…which is bringing back tears as I write this, but I had to share. When my siblings and I visited my parents house during Christmas, they apparently didn’t approve of us staying in room together, they insisted we either sleep in different rooms as unfortunately, in their words, they “didn’t feel comfortable with it”

At that point, I had enough

When I walked out the door that particular Christmas with my boyfriend, I never came back, ever. It’s been 7 long years and they’ve tried to contact me on various occasions, even pleading with my siblings, but I will never, ever, ever, ever…so help me God, EVER, speak to them again. I only hope that the pain they caused me that day lives in their hearts forever.

So just think about before you decide to do such a thing. Remember, you will reap what you sew.

Wow - well aren’t you vindictive. Based on this account, my sympathies are almost entirely with your parents.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wow - well aren’t you vindictive. Based on this account, my sympathies are almost entirely with your parents.

I feel bad for both. He doesn’t have a family that loves and accepts him and chances are that despite their actions at attitudes they did love him, and they have lost their son.

But sometimes as an adult you have to protect yourself and do what is best for you and your life, and sometimes that means that your parents or family of origin just can’t be in the picture.

 

[Ethan88]

Yes, good advice.
A hotel is the perfect solution…and I don’t know, you can even offer to chip in on the cost or something…this way you are meeting each other halfway and everybody sticks to their own beliefs and is comfortable in their surroundings.

Do you not get it, that it’s NOT the hotel that is the problem, it’s the fact that his parents are deliberately choosing to treat him differently than anyone else? How on earth can people be so heartless?

People choose to be gay because of their carnal desires. They place these desires above relationships with other people, the moral law, and the natural law. Don’t ask me why you did it, ask yourself.

How do you agree with someone who still insists that being gay is a choice, it’s like arguing with someone who disagree that 1 & 1 is 2.

Indoctrination? Hehe, I reached this conclusion on my own and by my observations of homosexual actions. Homosexual groups try to take the attention off of their own actions by casting the doubt on other people opposing them and accusing them of “hate” and “discrimination.” You know this, don’t try to fake it.

So the kids committing suicide because of being bullied for being gay, they essentially chose to get bullied based on their choice of being gay, is that what you’re saying?

I think this statement is an absolute lie on your part. If you loved your parents why did you leave them? If you loved them, you should have been trying to reconnect with them and worked over all this “pain and sorrow” to try and convince them. No, what did you do? Left. In your own words:

Did you miss the part about me constantly coming back, only to be treated differently?

I think your parents are very loving of you. They don’t want you to live out this lifestyle of confusion and hate. They have reached out to you many times in the past years, but you have rejected them. Your hate is breaking their hearts.

I’m hating them? I accepted them for who they are despite their faults, yet they can’t accept me for I am. You are a disturbing human being dshix, and I can only feel empathy for your children.

Wow - well aren’t you vindictive. Based on this account, my sympathies are almost entirely with your parents.

Birds of a feather do indeed flock together.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Do you not get it, that it’s NOT the hotel that is the problem, it’s the fact that his parents are deliberately choosing to treat him differently than anyone else? How on earth can people be so heartless?

Ok, I was with you until this. A hotel room would probably be best for a number of reasons.

I do understand that you don’t want to be treated differently, and I agree wholeheartedly that you shouldn’t be. But sometimes families are jerks. No family is perfect and no one ever has the perfect relationship. If staying in a hotel gives you a somewhat amicable relationship with the people who raised you it may be worth it. Of course you and your partner can complain about how immature they’re being, you can even mention that it is bigoted. But it might be worth it to swallow that for a few days to enjoy Christmas.

My parents don’t always treat me the way I would like, but I deal with it for about 1 week out of the year because despite our differences I do love them, and when its over I travel 1000 miles back to my own life.

Although, I think that the best idea would be for your parents to not host anyone, everyone gets a hotel room and the issue of gay/straight or married/unmarried is just swept under the rug so that everyone can catch up and enjoy a holiday.

 

[Ethan88]

My parents don’t always treat me the way I would like, but I deal with it for about 1 week out of the year because despite our differences I do love them, and when its over I travel 1000 miles back to my own life.

May I ask you a hypothetical?

Suppose you and all your siblings were invited to a Christmas dinner/stayover at your parents. There was enough room in the house for all you to stay, but your parents look over to you and your husband and say “Listen, I just don’t feel comfortable with Atheists staying over, you’re going to have to find a hotel room.”

How would you feel? Would you keep coming back year after year only to be treated like a dog that’s suppose to sleep outside in its kennel? Would you simply shrug it off and ignore it, or would you be fuming at their nerve to treat you like such?

 

[dshix]

Ethan,

Each of your short phrases in response to my post are incomplete, so I will not respond to them individually but as a whole.

Same-sex attraction is natural for some people, and I am sorry you are afflicted with it. Homosexual ACTIONS are a choice. That is a fact. If you counter that, you are living an a world of fantasy and there is no reason I can have with you.

Kids who commit suicide because they are gay do so because after a long period of time living in this fantasy, they finally realized it was all fake. They had been living in a fantasy, and it horrifies them. I can only imagine the turmoil in their minds and hearts as they go through this horror.

You completely brushed over my point concerning your parents. You left for seven years. You are the hateful person. They tried and tried again to reconnect, but you rejected them. I don’t think anymore need be said, as it exposes your own hypocrisy.

You continually use emotional language and vindictive accusations to make your points. It is NOT convincing. Your mindset is so set on yourself that you are incapable of seeing another person’s viewpoint.

At this point, I am convinced that there is no way to “resolve” this conversation. You will go on with attack after attack, accusation after accusation, and I care not to respond to every single one after this.

I *will *respond to any point you make that is made with reason. I will not sit here and entertain your emotional enjoyment in causing turmoil with your viewpoints.

 

[Ethan88]

Kids who commit suicide because they are gay do so because after a long period of time living in this fantasy, they finally realized it was all fake. They had been living in a fantasy, and it horrifies them. I can only imagine the turmoil in their minds and hearts as they go through this horror.

So the kids are committing suicide not because of being harassed or bullied, but because it’s their fault for living a “fantasy” that is “fake”. Not only that, you don’t suggest the turmoil comes from the hateful bullies, but from the victims themselves for being gay?

With all due respect, you are a truly sick and twisted human being.

Same-sex attraction is natural for some people, and I am sorry you are afflicted with it.

I am equally sorry for whatever mental handicap you are afflicted with where you blaming dead children for being gay as opposed to the bullies themselves.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

May I ask you a hypothetical?

Suppose you and all your siblings were invited to a Christmas dinner/stayover at your parents. There was enough room in the house for all you to stay, but your parents look over to you and your husband and say “Listen, I just don’t feel comfortable with an Atheist staying over, you’re going to have to find a hotel room.”

How would you feel? Would you keep coming back year after year only to be treated like a dog that’s suppose to sleep outside in its kennel?

Nope. That’s why I said that the best idea is that everyone gets a hotel room.

If my parents hosted me and my siblings over and let everyone share a room except for me and my fiance who they decided to single out no way would I stay there. I might, might get a hotel room, but it would depend on a number of things. 1. How’s my relationship with them otherwise? Will I otherwise enjoy the visit? Will they treat my partner well? and 2. What are the odds this is a permanent thing? Often times parents of gay children soften over time as they gradually see that their child is still the same person they raised and that nothing has really changed. They realize that the sky is not falling and the world is not ending even though their kid is gay. If I thought that repeated exposure would soften their views and they would come to treat us no differently it might be worth my time to humor it for awhile.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You completely brushed over my point concerning your parents. You left for seven years. You are the hateful person. They tried and tried again to reconnect, but you rejected them. I don’t think anymore need be said, as it exposes your own hypocrisy.

Ok, let’s be fair here. Sometimes to protect yourself it is necessary to cut yourself off from your parents and reject their efforts to reconnect. If it weren’t for the fact that I love my mother so much that’s exactly what I would have done to my abusive stepfather after I left home. If she dies before he does I won’t have anything to do with him. It isn’t that I hate him, but its better for me to not be around him and I am not obligated to do so.

 

[Ethan88]

Nope. That’s why I said that the best idea is that everyone gets a hotel room.

If my parents hosted me and my siblings over and let everyone share a room except for me and my fiance who they decided to single out no way would I stay there. I might, might get a hotel room, but it would depend on a number of things. 1. How’s my relationship with them otherwise? Will I otherwise enjoy the visit? Will they treat my partner well? and 2. What are the odds this is a permanent thing? Often times parents of gay children soften over time as they gradually see that their child is still the same person they raised and that nothing has really changed. They realize that the sky is not falling and the world is not ending even though their kid is gay. If I thought that repeated exposure would soften their views and they would come to treat us no differently it might be worth my time to humor it for awhile.

Just note in my experience, this wasn’t a first-time occurrence, the repeated exposure wasn’t seem to be helping. To let someone, nevermind my parents, step on me and embarrass me year after year is something no one should ever have to go through.

 

[Boccherini]

I feel bad for both. He doesn’t have a family that loves and accepts him and chances are that despite their actions at attitudes they did love him, and they have lost their son.

But sometimes as an adult you have to protect yourself and do what is best for you and your life, and sometimes that means that your parents or family of origin just can’t be in the picture.

Oh, I feel bad for both too - but by his own account he broke off contact with his parents simply because they didn’t let his boyfriend share a room with him – notice that the boyfriend was invited to the house. Now he writes “I only hope that the pain they caused me that day lives in their hearts forever.” That’s why my sympathies are mostly with the parents, especially since they’ve apparently tried to contact him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Just note in my experience, this wasn’t a first-time occurrence, the repeated exposure wasn’t seem to be helping. To let someone, nevermind my parents, step on me and embarrass me year after year is something no one should ever have to go through.

Agreed. But there’s a lot in this situation that the rest of us can’t see, so I am just trying to bring up every possibility.

Like I said earlier in this thread my fiance’s parents don’t let us share a room in their home and they like to make it clear that our relationship doesn’t really count like a married couple’s does. We humor this because we love them and we know that when we get married in a couple months things will change.

If there was no way to make them see that we were real though we would eventually drift away from them. It wouldn’t be a huge fallout or a huge show, we would just start spending our time with people who did accept us for who we were. Our kids probably wouldn’t have much of a relationship with his parents, and they might get a Christmas card every year and a visit every few. It wouldn’t be an anger thing, we just wouldn’t put time and energy in to someone who didn’t see as as a whole and complete family.

You do seem to have a lot of anger issues surrounding your parents, and while I understand why, I do think that counseling would be beneficial. After 7 years the anger should have subsided and it should be a little more matter-of-fact than emotional. For your sake I hope you get help.

 

[Ethan88]

You do seem to have a lot of anger issues surrounding your parents, and while I understand why, I do think that counseling would be beneficial. After 7 years the anger should have subsided and it should be a little more matter-of-fact than emotional. For your sake I hope you get help.

It’s a bit patronizing to suggest that I “need help” because I’m upset at my parents for treating me differently. The reason I even posted here was to let the OP understand that sometimes the disrespect you espouse to a child could bite you back. Also, it’s a logical, matter-of-fact decision to never speak to them, why would I constantly go back year after year expecting a different result? Isn’t that how Einstein defined insanity?

But for now, for this family to have holidays together, the hotel seems the only solution.
The parents will not have the couple sleep in the same room together.
The couple wants to be in the same room together.
Ergo–a hotel.

Listen, I’m not exactly looking to change minds on a Catholic forum; it’d be like going on a video game forum trying to convince them that video games are violent.

Fact is this, and this is advice for any parents out there, at some point in your life you may have to choose what is important to you, your children or your faith. I’m not a Catholic, but if one my children told me he or she was Catholic the LAST thing I would ever consider is treating them differently. Again, you reap what you sew.

 

[St_Stephen_1]

Just an Important Note to EVERY Parent Here

I felt compelled to make an account after stumbling upon this thread, and I will say 1 thing to the OP:

I want to share with you one very important thing. I, a gay male, went through similar predicaments with my parents. On one hand, they told me they loved me; on the other hand, they always used their religion to justify treating us differently. As opposed to live and let live, they did what you are doing know and making us feel different.

Each time, tears came down our faces as we traded words, I kept coming back to my parents despite the different treatment, I loved them to death. I reminiscence about the times me and my mom would go shopping when all my other siblings didn’t feel like going, all the great times we had.

One day, we went through a similar predicament during Christmas…which is bringing back tears as I write this, but I had to share. When my siblings and I visited my parents house during Christmas, they apparently didn’t approve of us staying in room together, they insisted we either sleep in different rooms as unfortunately, in their words, they “didn’t feel comfortable with it”

At that point, I had enough

When I walked out the door that particular Christmas with my boyfriend, I never came back, ever. It’s been 7 long years and they’ve tried to contact me on various occasions, even pleading with my siblings, but I will never, ever, ever, ever…so help me God, EVER, speak to them again. I only hope that the pain they caused me that day lives in their hearts forever.

So just think about before you decide to do such a thing. Remember, you will reap what you sew.

It is very, very sad that you have been estranged for seven years from your parents. I have to say before I continue that I can only base what I say on what you’ve posted. It sounds like your estrangement is because you feel that your beliefs are more important than what your parents believe. I cannot understand why you cannot accept your parents wishes. It sounds like they have been happy to welcome your partner into their home even though they find gay relationships sinful. I don’t understand why when in their house you can’t accede to what they believe. Before condemining your parents you should find out about what the Catholic church teaches about homosexuality. You could start with the catechism here. I do hope you can learn to understand your parents views on this and that you could be reunited with them for this coming Christmas.

 

[St_Stephen_1]

He you considered he may have been taught that Christmas is about family and he feels insulted by being treated as less than a couple?

Christmas is a time when families do get together. I think that for many people the true meaning of Christmas has been lost. The real purpose is to celebrate the birth of Christ. Perhaps the gentleman’s parents feel that they too want to follow Christian teaching. The Church teaches that homosexual relationships are sinful. Therefore would it be right for them to treat two men as a couple? I don’t think it would. I don’t think this gentleman’s parents should be criticised for following the church’s teachings.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Christmas is a time when families do get together. I think that for many people the true meaning of Christmas has been lost. The real purpose is to celebrate the birth of Christ. Perhaps the gentleman’s parents feel that they too want to follow Christian teaching. The Church teaches that homosexual relationships are sinful. Therefore would it be right for them to treat two men as a couple? I don’t think it would. I don’t think this gentleman’s parents should be criticised for following the church’s teachings.

It puts everyone in a tough spot. The parents don’t feel it would be right to treat them as a couple, but of course they don’t feel right allowing themselves to be treated as though their family means less than everyone else’s.

Tough situation.

 

[St_Stephen_1]

It puts everyone in a tough spot. The parents don’t feel it would be right to treat them as a couple, but of course they don’t feel right allowing themselves to be treated as though their family means less than everyone else’s.

Tough situation.

Not for one minute do I want to belittle the situation. I realise it must be extremely difficult. I think whenever we visit someone else’s home we should follow their house rules. As a son visiting a parent you are more than just a guest but as far as observing the house rules are concerned the same holds true. As catholics we believe that homosexual sex is gravely sinful. These parents are probably very, very worried about their son’s soul. We all have to face many difficult situations. We deal with them as best we can and often this needs some compromise. I don’t believe this gentleman and his parents should have been apart for seven years. By allowing their son’s partner in to their home is a compromise on the parents part. Let the son compromise by accepting that his parents do not want them to share a room or rather let’s be more specific, the parents don’t want them sharing a bed. Why not invite the parents to his home. Then I think the parents would have to accept his house rules.

 

[Ethan88]

Not for one minute do I want to belittle the situation. I realize it must be extremely difficult. I think whenever we visit someone else’s home we should follow their house rules. As a son visiting a parent you are more than just a guest but as far as observing the house rules are concerned the same holds true. As catholics we believe that homosexual sex is gravely sinful. These parents are probably very, very worried about their son’s soul. We all have to face many difficult situations. We deal with them as best we can and often this needs some compromise. I don’t believe this gentleman and his parents should have been apart for seven years. By allowing their son’s partner in to their home is a compromise on the parents part. Let the son compromise by accepting that his parents do not want them to share a room or rather let’s be more specific, the parents don’t want them sharing a bed. Why not invite the parents to his home. Then I think the parents would have to accept his house rules.

Suppose that you and your wife are obese, and your Catholic children invited you to their home for a Christmas dinner, along with several other family members. At the end of the night, after everyone is escorted to their rooms, your child turns to you and says “mom, dad, I believe gluttony is gravely sinful, and as such you’re going to have to find a motel or hotel to stay at for the night”. For arguments sake, leaving gluttony out of it, what if your child said “Listen, mom, dad, I don’t want my kids to be influenced by obesity and feel it’s right to eat a lot and thus gain excess weight, therefore I respectfully ask you to stay away from them, and please find a hotel to sleep at for the night.”

Just curious, what would you say? Would you hug and kiss your child only to say “No problem! Your house, your rules! Love ya, see you next Christmas!”, OR…would you leave the house fuming and angry?