Dealing with the pain of a breakup

  • Thread starter Thread starter starchick21
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

starchick21

Guest
Please help me out here, as I’m in so much pain. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a little under 5 months. I was so happy, and so was he. Anyway, during the latter half of this semester, he started getting really busy with school (he’s an engineering major, and usually pulls all-nighters in the library). He wasn’t able to hang out with me outside of class as much, although we did have one class together. Anyway, yesterday night, as he was walking me back to my car after our final exam, everything seemed fine. We were talking and holding hands like we always did. When we got to my car, he got really quiet and then it happened.

He said that he was going to be super busy this summer and next semester with schoolwork (taking 21 credits) and grad school applications, and that he didn’t think he could be my boyfriend anymore. He said he felt so bad for not being able to hang out with me as much as he wanted to, and that he just “couldn’t forgive” himself for doing that to me. When I asked him if it was something I did, he said no, that I was doing everything right and that I was the perfect girlfriend. He just felt awful that he couldn’t be the perfect boyfriend to me, and give me the time I deserved. All of this just broke my heart, because I never once felt that he didn’t care about me. The entire time, his voice was shaking, and he was sort of gasping in between each sentence.

I’m just so upset right now. When I begged him to reconsider, he just said it wasn’t fair to me. He said he really liked me, and he wished he didn’t have to do this, but he thought it was for the best. He finished by saying we could go back to being friends, and that I could text him anytime. He then said that the timing was against us, and that if the feelings are still there in the future, we could try again. He just didn’t know when that time would be. So what do y’all think? I know we weren’t together for all that long, but I had a really good feeling about him. I can’t explain it.
 
starchick21 said:
So what do y’all think?
Click to expand...
I know it hurts when you break up. At five months you were still imagining all the possibilities. He’s done you a favor by actually breaking it off instead of stringing you along. Unfortunately he did do a slight string-along of “we can be friends” and “if we are both still single someday…” which are both basically things you say to try not to hurt the other person’s feelings. Don’t focus on that, it isn’t true.

What do I think? He’s not that into you or the relationship, there is someone else, or both.
 
1ke said:
I know it hurts when you break up. At five months you were still imagining all the possibilities. He’s done you a favor by actually breaking it off instead of stringing you along. Unfortunately he did do a slight string-along of “we can be friends” and “if we are both still single someday…” which are both basically things you say to try not to hurt the other person’s feelings. Don’t focus on that, it isn’t true.

What do I think? He’s not that into you or the relationship, there is someone else, or both.
Click to expand...
Yeah.

Of course it is hard to make it work if he’s going to be somewhere completely different and in graduate school, but if he wanted to make it work, he would make it work.

This part is not a good idea: “He finished by saying we could go back to being friends, and that I could text him anytime.”

For your own sake, don’t do that. At some later point, when you’ve really moved on, it might be OK to be in occasional touch, but it’s just going to hurt you to be in constant communication when you are still hurting. Get on with your life and don’t provide yourself the sort of constant reminders of how much you are hurting you’d get if you were in touch regularly.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah.

Of course it is hard to make it work if he’s going to be somewhere completely different and in graduate school, but if he wanted to make it work, he would make it work.

This part is not a good idea: “He finished by saying we could go back to being friends, and that I could text him anytime.”

For your own sake, don’t do that. At some later point, when you’ve really moved on, it might be OK to be in occasional touch, but it’s just going to hurt you to be in constant communication when you are still hurting. Get on with your life and don’t provide yourself the sort of constant reminders of how much you are hurting you’d get if you were in touch regularly.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
This. Give each other space, and do your best to move forward - don’t hold on to the hope of something that may never happen.

Lou
 
My DH agrees, not into you, the relationship, or there is someone else.
 
As someone who has been on the other side I agree with the other posters. He’s just not that into you. If a man is really into a woman he will make it work somehow. I have a friend who worked 12 hour shifts and so did her boyfriend so they barely saw each other. Despite this they made every effort to be together and were engaged in a year and married in two.

I know it’s painful right now but your ex did you a favor by being straight forward and breaking up with you. What he said at the end was just not too hurt your feelings and indicates to me he does like you as a person well enough but doesn’t ‘love’ you.

Eat ice cream, listen to music, pet your cats, etc. This too will pass
 
🙂
Lou2U said:
This. Give each other space, and do your best to move forward - don’t hold on to the hope of something that may never happen.

Lou
Click to expand...
+1

It’s only been 5 months!
You should be able to bounce back form this. Don’t hang on.
There’ll be someone else. You’l be fine.
Stay busy yourself!
 
If you would like, you could use this time to develop your hobbies, interests, volunteering, clubs and seeing your girlfriends.
 
DaddyGirl said:
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Starchick…here is my advice, after well-learned experience in this matter.
Please listen to these words, because I wish someone had said this to me:

Whatever the reason is that he is breaking up with you, the point is that he is *doing *it, so he must need to do it. It obviously hurts him to do it, so he would not do so unless he really feels it and thought it through.
And if he needs to do it, you two may not be right for each other…but you may not know this yet and he does.
Try not to fill your mind with all the questions and the wondering why and wondering if there is someone else or if you did something wrong.This is only a waste of time and hurtful to yourself.
And, it doesn’t help to try and convince him to stay with you because it only pushes him to do something that may not be right for either of you.

You have to go through the pain of the break-up and come out the other end.
I think it was kind of him to say you two can still be friends and you can text him–I’m sure he truly cares about you and wishes you could, indeed, be friends. I’m sure he will miss you.
But it’s probably better for you to *not *see him or have contact with him anymore, if you can do it. The sooner you jump into the fire, the sooner you will heal and find the person who is right for you.

It hurst a heck of a lot. But that doesn’t mean he’s right for you. Think of it as learning and growing pains and keep in mind that he is freeing you for the future, freeing you to find someone who is more right for you. Too many people stay in relationships when they should not have and it causes much despair and pain in the future.

**Unlike some of the other posters, though, I don’t rule out the future. His reasons for splitting might truly be he has too much on his plate right now and you two can find each other in the future. But that is not something to focus on or depend on. **
He needs space now and so do you–to recover from this and look forward.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

.
Click to expand...
I don’t think it’s impossible either, but like you say, it’s not something she should think about very much for her own sake.

Also, the ball is in his court. And actually, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing to tell him that, “I can’t be friends with you right now, but if you ever change your mind about us dating, I’m willing to listen, but you need to be the person to reach out to me. If we’re not going to be dating, I need some time and space to heal.”
 
DaddyGirl said:
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Starchick…here is my advice, after well-learned experience in this matter.
Please listen to these words, because I wish someone had said this to me:

Whatever the reason is that he is breaking up with you, the point is that he is *doing *it, so he must need to do it. It obviously hurts him to do it, so he would not do so unless he really feels it and thought it through.
And if he needs to do it, you two may not be right for each other…but you may not know this yet and he does.
Try not to fill your mind with all the questions and the wondering why and wondering if there is someone else or if you did something wrong.This is only a waste of time and hurtful to yourself.
And, it doesn’t help to try and convince him to stay with you because it only pushes him to do something that may not be right for either of you.

You have to go through the pain of the break-up and come out the other end.
I think it was kind of him to say you two can still be friends and you can text him–I’m sure he truly cares about you and wishes you could, indeed, be friends. I’m sure he will miss you.
But it’s probably better for you to *not *see him or have contact with him anymore, if you can do it. The sooner you jump into the fire, the sooner you will heal and find the person who is right for you.

It hurst a heck of a lot. But that doesn’t mean he’s right for you. Think of it as learning and growing pains and keep in mind that he is freeing you for the future, freeing you to find someone who is more right for you. Too many people stay in relationships when they should not have and it causes much despair and pain in the future.

Unlike some of the other posters, though, I don’t rule out the future. His reasons for splitting might truly be he has too much on his plate right now and you two can find each other in the future. But that is not something to focus on or depend on.
He needs space now and so do you–to recover from this and look forward.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

.
Click to expand...
Excellent advice.

I second this.
 
I know it hurts a lot and I am sorry you are going through this. And of course you had a really good feeling about him. No sane woman would agree to let a guy be her boyfriend if she didn’t.

Personally, I think this guy sounds really mature. School is a very smart reason to remain single. Perhaps you aren’t aware but maybe you unconsciously did give off vibes you wanted to be with him more and he didn’t like the guilt. Or maybe in his mind when a man asks for exclusivity there is a certain minimum he needs to give back out of honour and he could not live up to his standard. Or maybe there was a fear that he was becoming too attached and it would make his grades slip. In my mind he sounds wise. Unfortunately his wisdom can at your expense.

However, I agree with those who say ‘Don’t text him’. It will simply prolong your pain and drag it out. Also, it could turn off the next good guy. And he is right that you don’t know what the future holds. Just don’t take that as a promise
 
As a guy, I think it seems like he probably isn’t that into you. If he wanted to make it work, he could. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s better to date for 5 months and realise that it’s not going to work than to prolong the relationship. It seems like he cares about you but just doesn’t see this relationship working out for whatever reason. I would agree that you shouldn’t call or text him. If he realises that he’s made a mistake and actually he want’s to try to make it work then he’ll call you. Also I don’t think the “lets go back to being friends” thing ever really works after you’ve dated someone.

Move on and even though it’s the biggest cliche of all time, it is true that there are “plenty more fish in the sea”.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I know it hurts a lot and I am sorry you are going through this. And of course you had a really good feeling about him. No sane woman would agree to let a guy be her boyfriend if she didn’t.

Personally, I think this guy sounds really mature. ** School is a very smart reason to remain single. **
Click to expand...
I have to say, I don’t completely agree with that. Maybe for some people, but if you meet the woman/man you really want to spend the rest of your life with, then I don’t really think being in university would/should be an obstacle.
 
AdamPeter said:
I have to say, I don’t completely agree with that. Maybe for some people, but if you meet the woman/man you really want to spend the rest of your life with, then I don’t really think being in university would/should be an obstacle.
Click to expand...
Right. I know a lot of married graduate students and my husband did 4/5 of his doctorate while either seeing or married to me. I don’t know that I would have gotten as far as my MA without emotional support from my husband.

We used to hang out in the library holding hands while reading our course stuff.

A person who really loves you will do pretty much anything to be with you.
 
starchick21 said:
Please help me out here, as I’m in so much pain. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a little under 5 months. I was so happy, and so was he. Anyway, during the latter half of this semester, he started getting really busy with school (he’s an engineering major, and usually pulls all-nighters in the library). He wasn’t able to hang out with me outside of class as much, although we did have one class together. Anyway, yesterday night, as he was walking me back to my car after our final exam, everything seemed fine. We were talking and holding hands like we always did. When we got to my car, he got really quiet and then it happened.

He said that he was going to be super busy this summer and next semester with schoolwork (taking 21 credits) and grad school applications, and that he didn’t think he could be my boyfriend anymore. He said he felt so bad for not being able to hang out with me as much as he wanted to, and that he just “couldn’t forgive” himself for doing that to me. When I asked him if it was something I did, he said no, that I was doing everything right and that I was the perfect girlfriend. He just felt awful that he couldn’t be the perfect boyfriend to me, and give me the time I deserved. All of this just broke my heart, because I never once felt that he didn’t care about me. The entire time, his voice was shaking, and he was sort of gasping in between each sentence.

I’m just so upset right now. When I begged him to reconsider, he just said it wasn’t fair to me. He said he really liked me, and he wished he didn’t have to do this, but he thought it was for the best. He finished by saying we could go back to being friends, and that I could text him anytime. He then said that the timing was against us, and that if the feelings are still there in the future, we could try again. He just didn’t know when that time would be. So what do y’all think? I know we weren’t together for all that long, but I had a really good feeling about him. I can’t explain it.
Click to expand...
He’s just not that into you. Don’t stay friends with him. Break off contact, he will get back to you if he thinks he has made a mistake (he genuinely may have just been overwhelmed by everything). But if you are hanging around as a friend its too confusing for both of you and he won’t even have the chance to realize he’s made a mistake before hurting you too much. If you like you can let him know, “Call me if you ever want to try things again and I may be interested, but I don’t really want to stay in contact.”

Having said all that, in my experience the whole “Its not you it’s me” is just code for “I don’t see myself ever wanting to spend the rest of my life with you even though I care about you”. I have no doubt he was really upset too, it is really upsetting break up with someone you care about, even if you don’t want to continue a relationship. He is going to miss you too. But the point is he is not willing to make space for you in his life, this isn’t a bad thing, he has absolutely done the right thing by ending things. Don’t run away from that fact in your mind, face up to it bravely, say prayers to help you face up to it. In my opinion 5 months is quite a long time if you have feelings for someone. Don’t feel bad for feeling sad and devastated, look after yourself and be kind to yourself really well in the next few months, but distance yourself from him and move on. If you have some good friends now, fill up your schedule with lots of work, study and new activities so you aren’t tempted to call him or over-indulge in self pity at home (a tiny little bit of self pity and a big massive cry is okay though!!)

Praying for you.
 
Gliggle said:
He’s just not that into you. Don’t stay friends with him. Break off contact, he will get back to you if he thinks he has made a mistake (he genuinely may have just been overwhelmed by everything). But if you are hanging around as a friend its too confusing for both of you and he won’t even have the chance to realize he’s made a mistake before hurting you too much. If you like you can let him know, “Call me if you ever want to try things again and I may be interested, but I don’t really want to stay in contact.”

Having said all that, in my experience the whole “Its not you it’s me” is just code for “I don’t see myself ever wanting to spend the rest of my life with you even though I care about you”. I have no doubt he was really upset too, it is really upsetting break up with someone you care about, even if you don’t want to continue a relationship. He is going to miss you too. But the point is he is not willing to make space for you in his life, this isn’t a bad thing, he has absolutely done the right thing by ending things. Don’t run away from that fact in your mind, face up to it bravely, say prayers to help you face up to it. In my opinion 5 months is quite a long time if you have feelings for someone. Don’t feel bad for feeling sad and devastated, look after yourself and be kind to yourself really well in the next few months, but distance yourself from him and move on. If you have some good friends now, fill up your schedule with lots of work, study and new activities so you aren’t tempted to call him or over-indulge in self pity at home (a tiny little bit of self pity and a big massive cry is okay though!!)

Praying for you.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. It’s definitely best to move on. It’s true that 5 months is quite a long time in dating terms. I would say that you can probably tell after two or three months if a person is someone who you’d continue a relationship with.
It’s entirely possible that he is overwhelmed by work and feels like everything is a bit much. But I think that’s unlikely. Again, from a male perspective, most men wouldn’t just let someone go that they felt they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. I was just going into university when I met my future wife. We got engaged when I was in first year and when we get married I’ll still have one year of studies to go. And after that one of us might do postgrad studies. As I said before, if he wanted to, he’d make it work. It’s not necessarily a bad thing that he broke up. The whole point of dating is to discern these things. Upsetting as it may be now, I have no doubt that you’ll look back someday and realise that this was necessary for something better to come your way.
 
AdamPeter said:
I agree with this. It’s definitely best to move on. It’s true that 5 months is quite a long time in dating terms. I would say that you can probably tell after two or three months if a person is someone who you’d continue a relationship with.
It’s entirely possible that he is overwhelmed by work and feels like everything is a bit much. But I think that’s unlikely. Again, from a male perspective, most men wouldn’t just let someone go that they felt they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. I was just going into university when I met my future wife. We got engaged when I was in first year and when we get married I’ll still have one year of studies to go. And after that one of us might do postgrad studies. As I said before, if he wanted to, he’d make it work. It’s not necessarily a bad thing that he broke up. The whole point of dating is to discern these things. Upsetting as it may be now, I have no doubt that you’ll look back someday and realise that this was necessary for something better to come your way.
Click to expand...
I should also add that he’s from a culture where the men are extreme workaholics who often put school/work before anything else.
 
Gosh, I’m sorry to hear about this. 😦 I cannot possibly know what his motives were for breaking up with you. I understand some have opinions about whether or not he was being truthful as far as his reasons were, but my opinions could be wrong so I won’t share them.

As far as advice goes, I agree with what one of the posters said about the “ball being in his court” and telling him that if you are to remain friends, he has to be the person to pursue the friendship. However, since he said he’s very busy with school, he may not contact you as often as another friend would. So, keep that in mind.

A good book to read during this time may be this: chastityproject.com/products/how-to-find-your-soulmate-without-losing-your-soul/

And this: chastityproject.com/products/emotional-virtue/

Whatever happens, even though the breakup is painful for you please don’t despair and make an effort to not get depressed. Start an exercise program (ask a doctor first), see friends, eat healthy, take classes, volunteer, pick up old or new hobbies, have weekly Adoration dates with our Lord, pray for your future spouse, and try to stay away from romantic comedies/dramas, love songs, and romantic literature for a while.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top