Dealing With True Despair

[ekm3144]

Hello, I am writing this partially on the chance that someone will say something that helps, but also partially because I just need some listening ears and writing this out will ease the pain a bit. A few quick disclaimers: I am not suicidal though I have been in the past. I am not substituting this for trained help as I do have a spiritual director and therapist.

The Backstory: I am at a very low point in my spiritual life. Though I was diagnosed with clinical depression about a year and a half ago, a combination of medication and therapy sorted out a lot of issues I had. Outside of spiritual activity I feel like a fairly normal, well-adjusted person. However, ever since school let out (I am in college) I have taken a nose dive. In school I was praying dutifully, even if it was dry, and attending regular mass, sometimes daily. But once I returned home for the summer I stopped going to mass altogether. I haven’t sat down to pray once.

My spiritual director and I talked a lot about how sometimes the spiritual life is very simple, how I basically need to put my head down and just charge through the metaphorical brick wall I have erected between myself and God, and I’m willing to bet that he is right and the solution is as simple as me starting to consistently take at least a little time to pray. But here’s my problem (if it even is one?): Every time I get to the point where I am literally seconds away from praying or going to mass, I just can’t. I have fallen into despair, the sin. Intellectually I know God loves me and wants me to return to him. I am not currently in danger of disbelief in God and the Church, but every single emotion and feeling in my body starts screaming at me that being Christian is just too difficult and how I can’t handle even the bare minimum standard for a Catholic anymore.

I lived with depression for several years and got very good at repressing emotions for reason because of it, but for some reason I feel incapable of handling these tasks. Even if I’m bored with nothing to do for hours, starting to spend even 10 minutes with God may as well be equal to climbing Mt. Everest. I recently read The Screwtape Letters and it seems I do everything listed in that book that is bad for someone trying to cooperate with God. I have recently began wishing for death to come just so I can hurry up, get to hell, and get life over with.

 

[ejp123]

Depression stems from what you believe. IF you believe that you are a failure, flawed,bad, evil and/or worthless because you can’t live up to the churches teachings, and believe that you are already destined for hell, then naturally you will feel depressed. Jesus sees us as “good” otherwise why would he have done what he did?..You are not alone. NO ONE CAN LIVE UP TO THE CHURCHES TEACHING PERFECTLY. That is why Jesus died. We commit to doing what we can, the best we can and Jesus does the rest. Learn about virtue: The Divine Mercy of Christ, compassion, love, charity, faith, hope…etc focus on these things. Look at your faith as having a relationship with the Trinity and not just about following rules and reciting fixed prayers. Hope this helps.

 

[vjnycguy]

Go to confession and get everything out. Then start going to Mass even if people tell you not to, try to go everyday if you have to. Also try to pray… try to say 3 Haily Mary’s in the morning and before you go to sleep. If you think you can do more… say a daily rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy at 3:00 PM.

About your problem with depression… it’s the most common thing that people deal with. Some people say they have it but don’t really. I think you should look at the positives in life and do something. Do things you love, an idle mind is the Devil’s toy. I don’t know what caused your depression but avoid it. Do anything you love to do, if you can’t find or remember anything you like. Go out and find something new!

Hope this helps, I’ll be praying for you my friend in Christ.

 

[St_Francis]

Start small. Don’t say, I should really pray a Rosary… I’m so bad because I haven’t been praying the Rosary… etc.

Start by just saying Thank You to God, I love You, little things like that. Even just I’m sorry, God, I just can’t figure out how to pray right now.

When I started praying, my prayers were *terrible! *Hi God, I’m only praying for this annoying person because my friend told me to, stuff like that. Seriously! And you know what? God helped me even tho my prayers were so… not really what we think of as prayer.

And other times, I have told God I was mad at Him. Just recently, I couldn’t sleep all night long and I was supposed to make a 10-hour trip the next day. I was so frantic! My prayer went something like this: God, I know I am supposed to offer this up, I want to, but I have no idea how to do that. And why on earth did You pick tonight for me to be unable to sleep! This is driving me crazy! What are You thinking??? Oh, but I am supposed to offer this up… Not a great night, on any level!

So pray little terrible prayers. Don’t let the idea of praying perfect prayers keep you from praying at all.

 

[mommamaree]

I have been going through a similar time. I have dropped all my devotions, stopped wearing my mantilla, etc.

I continued meeting my Sunday obligation, but was thankful for the obligation because I didn’t want to go to mass.

I just met with my priest this morning and he said it is okay to not do the devotions or wear my mantilla until I get through this rough time. He did say that there is one thing he wants me to do. He talked with me about a novena to the Holy Spirit. Just do this, and be gentle with myself right now, because God knows I am hurting and wants to heal me.

I pass on his kind counsel to you. Maybe it will help you, too.

God bless you.

 

[ekm3144]

Thank you everyone, I am hoping to push myself that little bit more today. I just want to do the simple prayers and hopefully remind myself that just because it’s very hard doesn’t mean God’s not there. (Seriously though, it’s really strange knowing that in your head but feeling incapable of acting on it at all)

 

[ACanthony]

Hello my friend. I am sorry about the battle you are facing right now. The spiritual journey is definitely one filled with peaks and valleys, ups and downs. When the journey is down, it can be painful. When I struggle to pray, I look for God elsewhere. This can consist of listening to some Christian rock (I love the song “East to West” by Casting Crowns…“Yours to Take” by Jimmy Needham) and those songs inspire me. I love the song “Blessings” by Laura Story too. Sometimes our blessings come through raindrops, sometimes our blessings come through tears. Sometimes a thousand sleepless night is what it takes to know you’re here. Sometimes the trials of this life, are our mercies in disguise.

Or I look for him in others. Volunteering at a soup kitchen helps. Listening to a friend who is going through a problem. Visit the elderly. These things help. It can be tough to pray. Perhaps you are looking for words too much? Perhaps you are struggling to find words but that is not what you mean? Sometimes I will go to Eucharistic Adoration and just raise my thoughts to God…I will look at the Eucharist and think about all the people I love and raise their simple faces up to God. And that of course is a prayer. God doesn’t want eloquent words (maybe sometimes). Prayer with the heart is often the only prayer we need.

I hope this is a help.

 

[coachkfan1]

First off, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been going through a very hurtful divorce for the past six months so I can somewhat relate to the feelings that you are having. HOWEVER, you should never stop going to Mass, Confession or praying and reading your Bible. When you stop doing these things of course you are going to feel distant from God. We are all brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ and we all share in each others sufferings. You are important to God and to us!

I am glad that you are getting treatment for your depression. I would do everything I could to stop wishing for death and hell, because you know what? If you were to die in this state you just may get what you are wishing for and regret it for all eternity. I strongly recommend that you pray to St. Michael for protection, and remember that Jesus was abandoned by nearly all of His friends in His hour of need. You have not been abandonded by Christ or by the people on here who are offering their encouragement to you. Hang in there and listen to what some of these fine people are telling you. God bless.

 

[Liturgy_Geek_1]

Dear ekm,

I understand as I am living with clinical depression myself and am going through something similar. Are you keeping up with your therapy? When was the last time that your depression meds were evaluated? There could very well be something physical going on here.

As for prayer, I am finding that I can’t do long prayers right now so I am doing what I call “lightining prayers” during the day, I say quick prayers like “Jesus, I love You.” “Blessed Virgin Mary, please pray for me.” “Lord, please help N,” etc.

The Lord knows your heart and what you are going through. We intellectually know this but sometimes it is hard to translate this to our hearts. I just said a lighining prayer for you, may God help you cope with today.
:hug1: