Dear Ushers and Extraordinary Ministers: A plea for the elderly and handicapped

[Pax_Vobiscum_57]

MarieVeronica, I can certainly empathize with you. My dad will be 84 in April. He is blind from macular degeneration, nearly deaf, and has bone on bone wear on his left hip and knee.

He likes to go to Saturday Mass, because it isn’t as crowded, and still refuses to sit in the “handicapped” seating. However, there are others like him scattered around the church, and the EMHCs have learned who’s who, and recognize the slightest sign, and bring Communion to those people. My dad doesn’t get in anyone’s way (he can stand up long enough to let people out of the pew), and he still feels that he is an active participant.

I think it’s just a matter of educating the ushers and the EMHCs, which you could probably manage with a phone call or email to the office. I recommend the phone call, because I prefer personal interaction, but that’s just me.

Today’s homily was beautiful. The priest pointed out that Holy Families don’t just sprout up, but become holy by their trials. That certainly is a tribute to your wonderful care of your mom.

 

[VivienneJ]

Some years ago I was involved in a church that served a predominantly elderly community. The priest in charge expected ushers to find out from those who used walkers, crutches, etc if they would prefer to receive communion in the pew and those accompanying them as well. The ushers passed on this information to those who took the gifts up and when the altar servers took the gifts it was their duty to pass this information on to the officiating priest, he would then ensue that someone would take communion to all those who were unable to leave their place in the pews. This was started in response to the needs of a few parishioners who were not always able to walk to the front of the church. It worked well, ensuring that all received communion and that the EMHCs knew when and where to go.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Would you people get off her case! She has enough things to worry about with her Mom. So, again back off! Where is your " Catholic compassion."

Yeah!!! What you said!

I really wish that people would think to ask a caregiver, what their needs might be if the person can’t communicate verbally.

Quiet52Pushing a person in a wheelchair while trying to chase down an usher is not an easy task.
Before asking someone to stand in as an usher, they should be given a few tips on how to direct people for communion.

As for the Eucharistic Minister, it sounds like she could have used a little more training.

In our parish, it’s not easy to get up and down the side aisles. Father tries to direct the handicapped to sit in the first few cutaway pews. Sometimes the Eucharistic Ministers overlook the handicapped, so Father will step away from the line to make sure that the handicapped person gets to receive communion.

I was in a wheelchair for a short time. It’s amazing how you suddenly become invisible. It’s also amazing how people become rude, refusing you common courtesies like not holding a door open for you or cutting in front of you in lines.

As for how the elderly are treated, I won’t even go there. ( I wrote a 200 page masters’ thesis on ageism. )

 

[quiet52]

Would you people get off her case! She has enough things to worry about with her Mom. So, again back off! Where is your " Catholic compassion."

Pointing out perspectives other than those of the OP’s does not show lack of compassion. She has shown her willingness to consider other perspectives to the scenario she described.

 

[AngelRose81]

You might try talking to your pastor about specifying a certain area of the sanctuary for the elderly and handicapped that EVERYONE knows about. We just did this in our parish and we put reserved signs up on the pews. Also, the priest or deacon makes sure they distribute the Eucharist to those people instead of an EMHC.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Pointing out perspectives other than those of the OP’s does not show lack of compassion. She has shown her willingness to consider other perspectives to the scenario she described.

Pointing out other perspectives that encourage people to remain thoughtless and self-absorbed does not really help the situation.

 

[quiet52]

Yeah!!! What you said! I really wish that people would think to ask a caregiver, what their needs might be if the person can’t respond themselves. Pushing a person in a wheelchair while trying to chase down an usher is not an easy task.
Before asking someone to stand in as an usher, they should be given a few tips on how to direct people for communion.

I was in a wheelchair for a short time. It’s amazing how you suddenly become invisible. It’s also amazing how people become rude and refuse you common courtesies, like holding a door open for you or cutting in front of you in lines.

As for how the elderly are treated, I won’t even go there. ( I wrote a 200 page masters’ thesis on ageism. )

Many caregivers/family members indeed have a difficult task bringing the disabled to Mass and other public places; one of the difficulties is to bring them early, in order to ensure that the special needs of the person are met by communicating with the volunteers. If they arrive just before the start of Mass, or even late, they need to be forgiving if the ushers and/or EMHCs don’t adequately meet their needs. Again, mind-reading isn’t always possible. That their needs are not met is not necessarily a matter of insensitivity or uncaring on anybody’s part. Volunteers do the best they can do. Remember that sometimes the regularly-scheduled volunteers don’t show up (due to sickness, or whatever reasons) and others stand in for them, and they might not be familiar with those who need special attention. Volunteers do the best they can do, but all of us, whether needy or not, need to be forgiving (and to not jump to conclusions) when they don’t meet our expectations.

Galnextdoro, I’m sorry that you felt invisible during the time you had to use a wheelchair. Please forgive those who were less considerate than they should have been. I know that there have been times I’ve very tentatively offered my help, because of the times I’ve been barked at or chastized when offering my help to handicapped people who don’t want help. Or there are times I’m truly in a fog and just don’t notice (anybody, let alone someone needing help) – and when someone speaks up and asks for help – I gladly do it.

 

[Galnextdoor]

You might try talking to your pastor about specifying a certain area of the sanctuary for the elderly and handicapped that EVERYONE knows about. We just did this in our parish and we put reserved signs up on the pews. Also, the priest or deacon makes sure they distribute the Eucharist to those people instead of an EMHC.

Just in case you missed that part of her post, she was sitting in the designated, labeled handicapped area where she frequently sits.

 

[pnewton]

Best not to be judgemental toward anyone, including those helping at the Mass. Not everyone has an omnicient awareness of the needs of others. The OP did not intend this thread to be anything but informative and perhaps to raise awareness a little.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Many caregivers/family members indeed have a difficult task bringing the disabled to Mass and other public places; one of the difficulties is to bring them early, in order to ensure that the special needs of the person are met by communicating with the volunteers. If they arrive just before the start of Mass, or even late, they need to be forgiving if the ushers and/or EMHCs don’t adequately meet their needs. Again, mind-reading isn’t always possible. That their needs are not met is not necessarily a matter of insensitivity or uncaring on anybody’s part. Volunteers do the best they can do. Remember that sometimes the regularly-scheduled volunteers don’t show up (due to sickness, or whatever reasons) and others stand in for them, and they might not be familiar with those who need special attention. Volunteers do the best they can do, but all of us, whether needy or not, need to be forgiving (and to not jump to conclusions) when they don’t meet our expectations.

I see why you are defensive; however the OP was forgiving. She was simply asking that people in your position be more sensitive to the needs of the elderly and disabled. If the usher can’t be given a few tips on addressing the seating needs of the handicapped, perhaps that person is volunteering for the wrong reasons. If a quickly chosen person cannot understand the seating needs of the elderly and handicapped, maybe another person should be chosen.

When I was in a wheelchair, the usher wanted my family to move to the center of the pew. My children refused to move away from me. Then he directed the people climb over me to get into the pew anyway. One of them ended up in my lap. The pain was fleeting and afterward I laughed. For some people, this could have been a much more painful situation.

Surely you can see how it would have been better to have the people enter the pew from the other side.

 

[HappyRevert]

The EMHC did not “inadvertently neglect” to give me Holy Communion. She denied it to me, when I motioned for it. Please go back and reread my original post. It was necessary for me to reach out, and grab her arm. Only then… did she condescend, and turned back to give me Communion.

I felt that she had made a “judgement” in her own mind… that I could get UP and get in line. Which I can not do. Hence, the “plea” to EMHC’s… not to judge caregivers. If asked for Holy Communion… please respond.

I’m so glad you posted this because I am fairly new to being an Extraordinary Minister so haven’t had your situation yet. I will definitely keep it in mind if something like you describe happens at our church.

I would say, that perhaps the EMHC was confused more than deciding not to give you the Eucharist. We are trained to give those who are handicapped so she may have truly been confused when you asked for it. In our training, they gave us pretty specific instructions, and never mentioned caregivers. That is why I am so glad you posted. It is very helpful to us so we can know the right thing to do.

 

[MarieVeronica]

I’m so glad you posted this because I am fairly new to being an Extraordinary Minister so haven’t had your situation yet. I will definitely keep it in mind if something like you describe happens at our church.

I would say, that perhaps the EMHC was confused more than deciding not to give you the Eucharist. We are trained to give those who are handicapped so she may have truly been confused when you asked for it. In our training, they gave us pretty specific instructions, and never mentioned caregivers. That is why I am so glad you posted. It is very helpful to us so we can know the right thing to do.

Yay!!! God bless you, HR… and THANK YOU! This is the reason that I started the thread!!! To help raise awareness of the plight of the elderly, the handicapped AND their caregivers!

If I have helped ONE person who serves as Usher or EMHC to be more aware… then this thread has been a success!

Happy New Year to all. :snowing:

 

[Maria1212]

Dear CAF. I’d like to share a couple things, that happened to my mother and I… this morning, at Mass. This is not a “gripe”… nor is it intended to seek sympathy. I’m just hoping… that through sharing our experience, perhaps I can help others to understand the extreme difficulties that the elderly, the handicapped and their caregivers endure, to attend Mass; and in doing so, to increase awareness of their special needs.

First… for anyone not familiar with my mothers needs… she is extremely handicapped; she is 86 with Alzheimer’s Disease; she also has severe, crippling arthritis and wears a leg brace; she must use either a walker, or a wheelchair. This morning, due to rain… I had her in the wheelchair.

Our “usual” Sunday ushers are absolutely wonderful. They care for us, and make certain that we are not hindered, in any way, from fully participating in the Mass… due to my mothers handicaps. We are so grateful for them.

However, this morning… we had a new usher. A very nice man, to be sure; but he was not familiar with my mothers “needs”. Because she was seated in her wheelchair… I made an assumption… that he would know, that he shouldn’t allow people to “crawl over” my poor mother. But he did not. Although there was barely enough room for maybe 5 more people in the pew… he allowed NINE people to crawl over her and me, nearly squeezing me out of the end of the pew and into my mothers lap. Thankfully, mother wasn’t in one of her “agitated” moods this morning (which she often is, due to the Alzheimer’s) and she seemed to accept it. So, I sat quietly and said nothing.

Dear ushers… please be very vigilant about this. Make sure that you are not allowing late comers, to crawl over handicapped or elderly. It causes them so much distress and even physical pain.

The second “issue” was Communion. When our “usual” usher is present, he makes sure that an Extraordinary Minister comes to the back rows and gives Holy Communion to the handicapped. I can not leave my mother alone (due to the Alzheimer’s) and he always makes sure, that I receive Communion, too. Our “usual” usher wasn’t there, today. When the Extraordinary Minister brought Communion to my mother. I gestured to her, that I wished to receive too. She gave me a look with her eyes, which I interpreted as… “Why should I give it to YOU? You look like you can walk”… and she turned away, without giving me Communion. But I reached out, and grabbed her arm gently. She turned back, and gave me Holy Communion… but rather grudgingly, it seemed to me.

Dear Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist… please be aware, that OFTEN times… a caregiver can NOT leave the side of the elderly or handicapped. Please do not judge us! If it were possible for me to get in line, and leave my mother alone… I would surely do so. If a caregiver asks for Holy Communion, please assume that it is because they can’t leave the person they are with.

I would be so thankful, to get some responses… especially… from those of you who “usher” at Sunday Mass… and also, Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist.

I want to make sure that awareness of the needs of the handicapped and elderly are put as a high priority. Because they certainly ARE a high priority to Our dear Lord.

God bless you all. And thank you for reading my post.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience so others can learn how to better minister to others.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[LeroyCRHP]

Dear MarieVeronica;

Thanks for you for sharing this. I took the commitment to be Minister of Welcome (usher) 6 months ago and can appreciate your mother’s needs. Maybe 6 months ago I would have also made the mistake below, hopefully not, but reading this helps me to understand. Especially not being cradle Catholic I am indeed still learning at age 48.

I know we search out for people that need the help and are always afraid of offending someone with our questions. Don’t be afraid to talk to us at any church, we are there to serve and do look for every chance.

Thanks
YBIC
Leroy

Dear CAF. I’d like to share a couple things, that happened to my mother and I… this morning, at Mass. This is not a “gripe”… nor is it intended to seek sympathy. I’m just hoping… that through sharing our experience, perhaps I can help others to understand the extreme difficulties that the elderly, the handicapped and their caregivers endure, to attend Mass; and in doing so, to increase awareness of their special needs.

First… for anyone not familiar with my mothers needs… she is extremely handicapped; she is 86 with Alzheimer’s Disease; she also has severe, crippling arthritis and wears a leg brace; she must use either a walker, or a wheelchair. This morning, due to rain… I had her in the wheelchair.

Our “usual” Sunday ushers are absolutely wonderful. They care for us, and make certain that we are not hindered, in any way, from fully participating in the Mass… due to my mothers handicaps. We are so grateful for them.

However, this morning… we had a new usher. A very nice man, to be sure; but he was not familiar with my mothers “needs”. Because she was seated in her wheelchair… I made an assumption… that he would know, that he shouldn’t allow people to “crawl over” my poor mother. But he did not. Although there was barely enough room for maybe 5 more people in the pew… he allowed NINE people to crawl over her and me, nearly squeezing me out of the end of the pew and into my mothers lap. Thankfully, mother wasn’t in one of her “agitated” moods this morning (which she often is, due to the Alzheimer’s) and she seemed to accept it. So, I sat quietly and said nothing.

Dear ushers… please be very vigilant about this. Make sure that you are not allowing late comers, to crawl over handicapped or elderly. It causes them so much distress and even physical pain.

The second “issue” was Communion. When our “usual” usher is present, he makes sure that an Extraordinary Minister comes to the back rows and gives Holy Communion to the handicapped. I can not leave my mother alone (due to the Alzheimer’s) and he always makes sure, that I receive Communion, too. Our “usual” usher wasn’t there, today. When the Extraordinary Minister brought Communion to my mother. I gestured to her, that I wished to receive too. She gave me a look with her eyes, which I interpreted as… “Why should I give it to YOU? You look like you can walk”… and she turned away, without giving me Communion. But I reached out, and grabbed her arm gently. She turned back, and gave me Holy Communion… but rather grudgingly, it seemed to me.

Dear Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist… please be aware, that OFTEN times… a caregiver can NOT leave the side of the elderly or handicapped. Please do not judge us! If it were possible for me to get in line, and leave my mother alone… I would surely do so. If a caregiver asks for Holy Communion, please assume that it is because they can’t leave the person they are with.

I would be so thankful, to get some responses… especially… from those of you who “usher” at Sunday Mass… and also, Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist.

I want to make sure that awareness of the needs of the handicapped and elderly are put as a high priority. Because they certainly ARE a high priority to Our dear Lord.

God bless you all. And thank you for reading my post.

 

[benedictgal]

Thank you for highlighting something that we take for granted.

When my father served as an EMHC in his former parish, he would first make the rounds around the church to distribute Holy Communion to the elderly and the disabled. In fact, before Mass, he would check around and ask the parties if they were going to receive Holy Communion so that he could have an handle on the situation. He could also spot the latecomers and come to them.

In our parish, the ushers are very good about spotting who needs to receive Holy Communion. It’s almost down to an exact science. In fact, my PV trained the ushers to make sure that the needs of the faithful were addressed. After we distribute Holy Communion, the usher is the last one to receive. Then, he will take us to whomever we are to distribute Holy Communion. This evening, for example, an older woman brought her husband (who is rather ill). The EMHC not only distributed Holy Communion to the husband, but to the wife, as well, since she could not leave his side.

We need to be more vigilent about taking care of the needs of folks who are in a situation like yours.

 

[vocatio]

Disabled and elderly persons are urged to sit in the reserved seats on the front row in our parish. Sometimes there are those that sit in the 2nd row as I found out this past Sunday. I walk carefully looking for people to distribute the Eucharist too as Father’s helper. I missed one lady in the second row. Her husband received but for some reason she was missed by me and the other EMHC. I gave her the Eucharist and apologized and then went to my spot. This ministry can get very confusing with the way it’s currently being done. It’s easy to miss someone if they don’t make eye contact or suggest in some way or another. Once I missed an elderly lady that apparently had something that made her jolt uncontrollablly. If a relative is not present to direct you then it is a very unsure thing of what to do. I don’t have all the answers I just do the best I can and learn as I go.

It irritates me to no end when people don’t understand why I insist on sitting at the end of a row. It’s to avoid jumping over people or pushing them in the isle when it’s time for me and my son to serve. Please be patient with us. Most of us are trying to maintain the reverence that the Eucharist deserves by causing little to no confusion. It’s not always as easy as it looks. Many if not most people do not go to communion correctly. They don’t stick out their tongues when they receive on the tongue. Some grab it out of your hands and other aren’t holding their hands up like a cradle to receive on the hand. Some don’t even say amen. I am not to judge anyone. I just distribute as long as it isn’t obvious they’re trying trying to stow away the Eucharist. Others will gobble the precious blood. It’s like the clergy needs to stop everyone from receiving until a brief class is given all over. Our pastor does this from time to time. But not enough. It difficult not to get irritated at people when they don’t at least make appropriate eye contact when it’s time to receive. I look carefully and still miss someone. It’s easy to get caught up in prayer during this time and I just remind myself all the times my wife had to nudge me in a Protestant Church when the bread and wine was passed through the pews. But that’s another story for another day.

 

[Tartini]

Dear MarieVeronica,

I am sorry that your mother and you had to experience what you did, and I hope that your concern will be brought to light to those who can change things for the better of all, as I have been in many parishes where the handicapped were often shunned outright. This make the individual being shunned a mirror of Our Blessed Lord, and to suffer the situation of other’s inconsiderations with patience and some understanding that we are human, most certainly lends itself to our striving towards the Imitation of Christ even more so.

Your post is something that I can relate to, being physically disabled myself. I have a difficult time walking, and often have a difficult go at kneeling often, especially when I take Communion at the rail. It is painful, but I bear with it and offer it up to Christ Jesus, who suffered much more than I ever think of ever have suffered myself. In all instances, I must trust in others to be patient with my slowness of motion, and they usually are. If not, than I bear with that as well.
It has become a keen observation and awareness of mine, since my disability (which is fairly recent), of many public access problems for handicapped individuals. Effeciency and effectivness seem to not be able to find a common ground. I’ve seen great improvements in newer buildings in the past 15 years, but older buildings are yet to get the proper renovations, depending on the owners whims.

I pray that you can simply forgive what has happened and I hope that the situation will be addressed in your parish with all speed and awareness. Know that you both are in my prayers. God Bless you both.

Dominus Vobiscum,
Jerald Franklin Archer

 

[sacristan1]

I am so sorry you and your mother had this uncomfortable situation arise at Mass. I am an Extraordinary Minister and we always try to make sure the elderly, handicapped and their caregivers, if necessary, are a priority. It is wonderful that your mother makes the effort to attend Mass and I can fully appreciate the extra effort it takes for you to get her there. I also take Communion to the homebound and believe me I would much rather see them be able to fully participate in the Mass when they are able, not that it is an inconvenience for me in any way, to come to them, but I am so happy when they can participate fully in the Mass. Therefore, our ushers always come to us when we have people in the back rows who need Communion. They usually try to seat them up front where we minister to them first but if they are in the back we go to them after we have finished serving the faithful who are in line.

Thank you for posting and bringing this to our attention…as for me it will make me even more vigilant for people with special needs. I think as servants of the Church and the faithful, it is our responsibility to care for everyone whatever their special needs may be.

 

[Sheeniac]

The EMHC did not “inadvertently neglect” to give me Holy Communion. She denied it to me, when I motioned for it. Please go back and reread my original post. It was necessary for me to reach out, and grab her arm. Only then… did she condescend, and turned back to give me Communion.

I felt that she had made a “judgement” in her own mind… that I could get UP and get in line. Which I can not do. Hence, the “plea” to EMHC’s… not to judge caregivers. If asked for Holy Communion… please respond.

I’m an EHMC and while we rarely have handicapped people in the back, we do have them in the front row. I am shocked that she wouldn’t distribute the Body of Christ to you.

 

[MomblessedX3]

I very much sympathize with the difficulties you experienced. It cannot be easy to get your mother to Mass and tend her needs and yours during the liturgy.

I would like to ask you to consider something though. Why should the ushers and extraordinary ministers of holy Communion be expected to “care for [you and your mother], and make certain that [you] are not hindered, in any way, from fully participating in the Mass”? Why should they be responsible for making sure people don’t “crawl over” your mother? Why should they be expected to know who is a caregiver and that they should give that person Communion too?

My point here is to gently and respectfully suggest that perhaps you are expecting too much from others and not enough from yourself. As your mother’s caregiver, you are responsible for seating her in an area where a bottleneck to the Communion line won’t be created; you are responsible to prevent others from “crawling over” your mother; you are responsible for finding a way to receive Communion when you wish to do so (which may be when you are not accompanying your mother to Mass). Ushers and EMHCs should help whenever possible and should be considerate to those with special needs (and their caregivers), but they cannot be expected to be either caregivers themselves or mindreaders.

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, as that is not how I intend it to be. My concern is simply that more and more I see people expecting so much of others, perhaps without realizing that those expectations can sometimes be too high.

Tabby,
I am not handicapped or the caregiver of anyone who is. But your response ticked me off. I apologise if I seem harsh but are we not Christian?..are we not to show love and concern for others? Is that not our Christian duty?
Common sense and mindreading are not the same thing. That is just ridiculous. I think that anyone attending mass should be able to fully participate in mass as much as their ability can allow. Why should I hinder that…why shouldn’t I do everything in my power to make sure that I help those around me be able to fully participate? I am at mass to recieve the precious body and blood of my savior…that is why I go to church…but would Jesus want me to be so focused on that that I can’t serve those around me? To me that seems sinful.
Personally, I think that your response is trying to negate the responsibility of non caregivers to anyone other than themselves and that is unchristian. Why should we encourage selfishness…Heaven forbid that we try to make things easier for the less fortunate. and their caregivers…but forgive me that may inconvience someone. I think maybe you need some sensitivity training and spend some time learning what the needs of the handicapped are.

Once again I apologize if I seem harsh…I mean no offense but I truly believe that if you are a EMHC or an usher you should be extra sensitive to the needs of others. As for the EMHC not wanting to give the OP the Body of Christ…that is not her call. She really should not take it upon herself to judge who should receive and who shouldn’t. I was told that if they come up for communion…and prepare to receive I am to assume they are ‘able’ to receive. I don’t have the authority to deny it. Why would this woman deny it? Regardless of whether the recipient can walk?

MarieVeronica—you and your mom have my love and prayers. I admire your commitment to your Mother and your Faith. I hope that from now on mass is less painful for the both of you.