Death and Family Drama

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mandajane

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My stepfather and I were not close growing up. He was very physically abusive to my mother and my brothers, and emotionally abusive to me. I left about 5 years after he married my mother, and I had come to resent him for everything my family went through.

Now, he’s dying. He drank himself into an early grave, and the doctors have told my mother to ‘prepare for the end’. While I’ve posted in prayer intentions as well about this, this post is more to help deal with the family drama surrounding his death.

My Step-father’s mother despises my mother, as she had 2 children before marrying him, and often called my mother ‘the whore’. Now that her son is dying, she’s trying to get him to sign paperwork making her the executor of his estate so she can plan his funeral and so that ‘the whore’ wont get any of his money. Thankfully, my stepfather was lucid enough to tell her no, and ask that she be removed from the hospital. My mother, meanwhile, is beside herself. Despite what he put her through over the years, she still loves him, and has asked me to come down there once he passes to assist with keeping everyone emotionally together, and plan the funeral, since I am the only one who is less emotionally wraught about his death, and she’s heard horror stories about predatory practices on the grieving by funeral directors.

Members of my stepfather’s family are FREAKING OUT that I might be involved at all, because I’m ‘just like my mother’ and a ‘crazy b*tch’.

On top of all this… I’ve never planned a funeral. I don’t know the stages or what to expect. So, if anyone could give me advice on this, that’d be great.
 
Ask a priest to walk you through this. It could be a real sanity saver. I’m the only Catholic in my family, so there’s really no one who could plan a “proper” Catholic funeral for me. I have let my daughter (an only child) know that all end of life questions, plus anything towards helping to plan the funeral be done with the advice of a priest. That’s about all I can think of. I pray that you get through this trying time.
 
Sorry I wasn’t clear. I’d mentioned it in other posts in the past, but my family isn’t Catholic. My stepfather was raised Catholic, but then left the church and became an Athiest ages before I was born. My mother and her family are southern baptist. He doesn’t want a Catholic funeral.
 
mandajane said:

“My mother and her family are southern baptist. He doesn’t want a Catholic funeral.”

Then talk to their pastor and plan something appropriate? And maybe ask your priest’s advice as to what level of involvement is appropriate for you?
 
mandajane said:
My stepfather and I were not close growing up. He was very physically abusive to my mother and my brothers, and emotionally abusive to me. I left about 5 years after he married my mother, and I had come to resent him for everything my family went through.

Now, he’s dying. He drank himself into an early grave, and the doctors have told my mother to ‘prepare for the end’. While I’ve posted in prayer intentions as well about this, this post is more to help deal with the family drama surrounding his death.

My Step-father’s mother despises my mother, as she had 2 children before marrying him, and often called my mother ‘the whore’. Now that her son is dying, she’s trying to get him to sign paperwork making her the executor of his estate so she can plan his funeral and so that ‘the whore’ wont get any of his money. Thankfully, my stepfather was lucid enough to tell her no, and ask that she be removed from the hospital. My mother, meanwhile, is beside herself. Despite what he put her through over the years, she still loves him, and has asked me to come down there once he passes to assist with keeping everyone emotionally together, and plan the funeral, since I am the only one who is less emotionally wraught about his death, and she’s heard horror stories about predatory practices on the grieving by funeral directors.

Members of my stepfather’s family are FREAKING OUT that I might be involved at all, because I’m ‘just like my mother’ and a ‘crazy b*tch’.

On top of all this… I’ve never planned a funeral. I don’t know the stages or what to expect. So, if anyone could give me advice on this, that’d be great.
Click to expand...
Praying for all.
 
Xantippe said:
mandajane said:

“My mother and her family are southern baptist. He doesn’t want a Catholic funeral.”

Then talk to their pastor and plan something appropriate? And maybe ask your priest’s advice as to what level of involvement is appropriate for you?
Click to expand...
Yes. At either church, there are those (Deacons & Ministers) that do this for grieving families every day.
They will steer you to a reputable funeral home, and a planner that will understand from the outset what they can afford, and the limits of what he wanted. Remember, the funeral is really for those left behind, and your mother should be the most comfortable with the plans.
God bless you for standing by everyone at this difficult time. Less is more sometimes. But do involve a minister of some sort. It’s a lot harder for people to act badly in front of an ordained person. No matter the faith.
 
pianistclare said:
Yes. At either church, there are those (Deacons & Ministers) that do this for grieving families every day.
They will steer you to a reputable funeral home, and a planner that will understand from the outset what they can afford, and the limits of what he wanted. Remember, the funeral is really for those left behind, and your mother should be the most comfortable with the plans.
God bless you for standing by everyone at this difficult time. Less is more sometimes. But do involve a minister of some sort. It’s a lot harder for people to act badly in front of an ordained person. No matter the faith.
Click to expand...
Actually, there are a few out there who don’t care who’s around when they want to “act badly.” Some would make a scene no matter what. I pray that that doesn’t happen here.
 
While there is still time, ask him if there is anything specific he wants or does not want at the funeral. Then meet with the pastor (maybe the pastor can be in on that meeting) and see what is customary for Baptist funerals and do your best to follow his wishes. When you meet with the funeral director, be on your guard, stick to what you select and don’t let them guilt trip you into something more expensive; read the contract before signing anything. I would keep the relatives out of the loop as much as possible, don’t speak to them on the phone, don’t post on social media and don’t tell them when you are meeting with the funeral director or making important decisions; they sound like they will take over if given half a chance and your Mom does not need more stress. Stay charitable but strong, you are there for your mother.
 
Sorry to hear of all the mess surrounding your step-father’s dying. Here are some suggestions:
  1. Have your mom guard any papers or wills like a hawk. Don’t think that others will give up trying to get control. And if your step-father becomes less than lucid be very careful that nothing is changed by anyone. Become very familiar with who has what authority now. Get copies if you can.
  2. When the time comes (if your step-dad is Catholic), simply make arrangements to schedule the funeral with their priest. Check out what wishes your stepfather may have in place concerning burial or cremation. Comply with those wishes the best you can
  3. Most Parishes have people that can help with the reception afterwards. They will even prepare food and beverages. But check with your parish. Line people up to help with this aspect of the funeral arrangements.
  4. As his spouse your mother is the one that has the right to make all arrangements, so enlist her help, and if the question comes up by others about how to do something tell them your mother has it under control and you are there simply to help.
  5. Differences need to be set aside and cooperation is very needed by all. Avoid conflict if you can and do your best to remain calm and focused. Take time everyday for “you time” so you can function at your best.
    God be with you all at this time.
 
A possible issue that comes to mind is that the evil relatives will give you and your mom a hard time over perceived cost-cutting for your step-dad’s funeral. It might be wise for you and your mom both to have a couple of brief canned remarks ready to use if and when they start giving you grief for not giving him a send-off worthy of an Egyptian pharaoh.

Here are a couple of suggestions to use if applicable:

“Step-dad wanted a modest funeral” (if that was his view–a lot of men are of the pine box school–my husband has already stated that as his preference)

“We’re spending according to our means.”

“Step-dad liked things that were good and plain”

“The pastor said most people do blah blah blah, so that’s what we did”

Best wishes!
 
First off, if your father has said he does not want a Catholic funeral, there probably aren’t any priests who will do one for him “over his dead body.” All it takes is for his widow to say, “Yes, he was baptized Catholic, but he adamantly did not want a Catholic funeral.” If your Catholic relatives want one, suggest that they have Masses said for him instead. (If he was “notorious” about his apostasy, that would not be possible, but he probably wasn’t so public about his exit from the Church as that.) Since you also will want to pray for him now and after death, you can do the same. Saying the rosary and reflecting on the Stations of the Cross are other traditional ways of praying for the dead. All Souls’ Day is a day particularly set aside to remember to pray for the dead who are still being purified for heaven. Your own pastor can give you guidance about this.

If your mother is concerned about being taken to the cleaners with regards to funeral costs, contact her local chapter of the Funeral Consumers Alliance (funerals.org/). The organization exists to help people find funeral services at a reasonable price.

I think you’ll be particularly interested in the page with the FAQ pamplets:
funerals.org/publications-and-resources/cat_view/37-faq-pamphlets

Once you have gotten a leg up on your “funeral education,” I would suggest you make yourself a facilitator to just do whatever your step-father, mother and siblings want. You don’t have a dog in this fight, and that is why you were chosen. Your job is to say, “This is my first rodeo, too, but as far as I can tell, these are the choices and this is what they cost. What do you want?” Then try to help make that happen.

This will be a huge comfort to your mother and your siblings. It will knit you closer to them. Never let bitterness towards the dead, especially someone who lived in the slavery of an addiction to alcohol, overcome your opportunities to be a consolation and solace to the living, and especially those you love most.

If you have made progress in coming to terms with the damage of living with an alcoholic, after your step-dad dies you may be in a good position to encourage your mother and siblings to have that healing process come to them, too. If you did not, this is a good time for all of you to get started. It would be good if you found your peace within a reasonable time after he found his.
 
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