Sorry, but this is sounding less and less an issue about the gift and the giver but your husband. If I was the giver and knew even the slightest about your husband’s “no tolerance” policy I would not give any gift.My husband was former military police and he has a no tolerance policy to any man who may act inappropriately or questionably, especially towards his daughters (not that anyone has). We have been very careful about the kids spending any time with adult males. But there’s nothing in particular about the giver that would make my husband act out other than this odd choice of gift.
Quite the opposite, we as a family, have always highly regarded the giver and never felt anything was amiss. However, at best, I know my husband’s behavior will change towards him, at worst my husband will threaten him never to come near our daughter and/or never allow her to ever be in his presence even if it’s in a group setting.
Again, as I mentioned before, we will continue to see him regularly as it’s unavoidable.
Peace.
+JMJ+
Yes, I think saying “this is too generous” (as in “Truly, we don’t want our daughter coming to expect high end clothes”) is a way to avoid offense all round, and express a “please no more gifts like this” message without insinuating that the giver is either a sexual predator or socially inept person.I’ll approach this from the opposite end.
Most likely this person gave a gift because they had a good intention.
Say thank you, I appreciate it, but this is too generous.
Then accept the gift graciously.
Your daughter doesn’t need to wear them if you don’t approve.
Don’t assume that this is the beginning of many gifts. If it is, then the next time say, thank you, this is generous but too much.
There has never been anything wrong with a young woman returning a gift from an older man, especially if he is her superior and especially if she finds the gift at all inappropriate. When I was a girl, gifts of clothing for anyone that might be “noticed” in a sexual way were* very much* in the “inappropriate” category.ok, it’s seriously sad when we’ve reached a point like this in society. are we going to question gifts now? from probably perfectly innocent people?
but I suppose i’m just one of thos naïve people who doen’st get things like this
if you don’t think there is any bad intention (i.e. sexual harassment, EtC…) and the clothing is modest, I honestly don’t see what the problem is. besides your husband’s reaction
again, there’s not a whole lot of detail in your post to go off of so it’s hard to say
A lot of people would hear that just as a polite expression of thanks, especially if the item wasn’t returned.I’ll approach this from the opposite end.
Most likely this person gave a gift because they had a good intention.
Say thank you, I appreciate it, but this is too generous.
Then accept the gift graciously.
Your daughter doesn’t need to wear them if you don’t approve.
Don’t assume that this is the beginning of many gifts. If it is, then the next time say, thank you, this is generous but too much.
Right, or if it was quasi-payment for a little work. (For instance a gift after the daughter did some pet sitting or watered plants for the giver.)There’s a lot of information missing from this story that could make a difference. For example, did the clothing have anything to do with context in which the daughter works with the gift giver? (Like he’s an athletic coach and he bought her an overpriced sweatsuit with the team logo on it, or something like that.)
It has never been kosher for an unrelated adult male to give expensive gifts to a young woman, especially a teenage girl, and most especially without getting permission from parents. It looks unsavory. Returning the gift saves both her and his reputation.Yes, I think saying “this is too generous” (as in “Truly, we don’t want our daughter coming to expect high end clothes”) is a way to avoid offense all round, and express a “please no more gifts like this” message without insinuating that the giver is either a sexual predator or socially inept person.
I dunno…I’m nearly 49, but I was raised to think it was really insulting to return a gift. Then again, that was a time when my parents weren’t bombarded with nightly news about sexual predators
Yea! Another Miss Manners fan! One of the things I learned from MM was to never, ever explain. In the OP’s example, she can return the item to the giver & say, “I’m sorry, but daughter can’t keep this.” If the giver asks why, you repeat, as often as necessary.Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners) talks about this in at least one of her books.
Yes.Yea! Another Miss Manners fan! One of the things I learned from MM was to never, ever explain. In the OP’s example, she can return the item to the giver & say, “I’m sorry, but daughter can’t keep this.” If the giver asks why, you repeat, as often as necessary.
That will inform the giver that no more “special” gifts should be given, and (sort of) keeps the relationship from going downhill.
If it is “quasi payment” then pro-up and give her money or a gift card. A married couple might give a young woman clothing as a gift, maybe, but not an older man or even an older woman if there is* the slightest* chance her “intentions” might be taken the wrong way. Uh-uh.Right, or if it was quasi-payment for a little work. (For instance a gift after the daughter did some pet sitting or watered plants for the giver.)
Yes, but I don’t see where this comes even close to a “diamond tennis bracelet from an older admirer” type of gift. We don’t know, from the posts, who actually picked out the gift; it may have a woman relative of the giver, who the giver turned to for help in figuring out how to repay the daughter.It has never been kosher for an unrelated adult male to give expensive gifts to a young woman, especially a teenage girl, and most especially without getting permission from parents. It looks unsavory. Returning the gift saves both her and his reputation.
Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners) talks about this in at least one of her books.
If your young daughter were offered a diamond tennis bracelet by a middle aged admirer, you wouldn’t let her keep it, right? The only out in the OP’s case is if the item really wasn’t very expensive or if the giver is practically a member of the family.
This is a rule that it’s very important to teach to young women.
I’d document, document, document, if there is any concern whatsoever there could be any kind of retribution at this “rebuff.” The minute there is a problem, if any problem arises, go to his superior with the information. Still, it also ought to be handled with the recognition that the man may have only made a foolish mistake, but with no bad intentions, and that he will be genuinely mortified to find his kind intentions upset or insulted the young woman or her parents in any way.Yes.
I think where this could really go south is if the OP explains. It’s really important for this one to have a short script, stick to it, hand over the item, and say no more. You can even do the script by email and mail back the item.
Oh, and tell your husband (he can help you with the email language). But he definitely should not be doing this in person. If he insists, talk to your pastor about it with him.
I mention the “quasi-payment” because I used to work in my parents’ t-shirt shop, and we sold SO many t-shirts that were supposed to be gifts for pet sitters.If it is “quasi payment” then pro-up and give her money or a gift card. A married couple might give a young woman clothing as a gift, maybe, but not an older man or even an older woman if there is* the slightest* chance her “intentions” might be taken the wrong way. Uh-uh.
Even a gift card to a T-shirt shop is a little less “personal” than a piece of clothing hand-picked out by your admirer. And again–pet sitters and house sitters are often doing it for married couples or families. Getting a T-shirt from a couple is a different matter.I mention the “quasi-payment” because I used to work in my parents’ t-shirt shop, and we sold SO many t-shirts that were supposed to be gifts for pet sitters.
I’m sure the gift card would be even more appreciated, though–but then it’s obvious how much you paid for it!
I guess there’s just not enough information. It could be either:Yes, but I don’t see where this comes even close to a “diamond tennis bracelet from an older admirer” type of gift. We don’t know, from the posts, who actually picked out the gift; it may have a woman relative of the giver, who the giver turned to for help in figuring out how to repay the daughter.
I was thinking, too, that as this was a “thank you gift”, that it might be for pet-sitting, plant-watering, or snow shoveling for the giver. The OP’s daughter may have refused money, but the giver doesn’t want to take advantage of the girl’s willingness to help out without some payment. If that is the case, maybe accepting plain old money next time would solve the problem.
Because it was a thank you gift in payment for something, I think that makes it very different from the diamond bracelet from an admirer type of gift. Plus, it sounds like a practical kind of gift of modest clothes similar to what the daughter already wears, just of higher quality.
I agree accepting money is better. I’m just concerned that the giver, who appears innocent but naive, should not be shamed in any way without evidence that his real intentions were bad. The OP can keep both goals in mind, of protecting her daughter’s reputation and not shaming an innocently naive person.If it is “quasi payment” then pro-up and give her money or a gift card. A married couple might give a young woman clothing as a gift, maybe, but not an older man or even an older woman if there is* the slightest* chance her “intentions” might be taken the wrong way. Uh-uh.