Decline gift etiquette

[Xantippe]

I agree. I think that his handling of the issue at least means his primary goal was not benefitting your daughter, or he would not gossip about your family to people whose business it is not. (That doesn’t mean his intention was in any way sinister, but it may have been a case of feeling good about how generous he was.)

–Jen

Right.

At best, he sounds really immature.

 

[KnitNut]

It took courage to return the shirts. Well done!

I’m not surprised the giver is now passive-aggressively lashing out at you, by gossiping with others. Yes, the guy could be just immature. But there’s also the possibility that he’s engaging in this in order to coerce access to your child in the future. I’m not saying it’s “definitely true”. But given the amazing manipulation by some predators, this sort of step, driving a wedge between you and other people in the group (as well as giving your teen unwanted negative attention, which to her may feel like a wedge between you & her just for the embarrassment she’s feeling as the center of the storm)…this is just another tool in the predator’s toolbox. As long as you must be involved with this person, be vigilant. (And it sounds like the rest of the group won’t step up and also be vigilant. So it falls to you to be sure he’s not chasing down your daughter outside of your supervision.)

I hope this dampens down quickly. But until it does, be firm and confident in your decision. It’s not a bad thing to be protective of your children. You did not overreact. You have a set boundary and it is not to be crossed. Don’t let the tongue-waggers make you feel one smidgeon of regret over this. You didn’t start this. The gift wasn’t appropriate. The giver’s follow-up actions were not appropriate. Whether the giver is just naive, or has poor boundaries, or has nefarious intent…none of that “motive” stuff actually matters at this point. The line was crossed, and you did what good parents do.

 

[mommy_k]

People actually came to you and said this to you? Wow. That is pretty bold. What kind of people do you know? They do not seem like peacemakers or kind hearted.

I would think the gift giver’s feelings were hurt of course-but if you were vague to him, and the critics with just an ‘we can’t accept this, but thank you’–wow… ---- you sound like you handled it with grace and tact, with minimal detaiis- so I am surpised.

I would not fuel any gossip going futher by explaning or justifying to these people.

I am assuming this guy has authority over them too? This would explain why they are taking his side over this what should have been a simple matter of graciously declining a gift.

 

[Patavium]

Update:

After much thought, we returned gift to giver, *discreetly *and privately, with short but concise explanation of avoiding any misunderstanding of gift.

Giver has since let others know he is saddened and took offense. Others criticize the return. We are seen as overreactive and insensitive to giver.

When we’re asked, we just say we were trying to avoid any misunderstandings. Still viewed as being unrealistic.

Not understanding why giver chose to reveal this to others when no one else but us knew about this exchange.

Peace.

+JMJ+

So gifts were returned. Now, your daughter is at the center of gossip at her volunteer work.

Now when is your daughter leaving her voluntary work? Why are you still allowing her to be in a job position where she could be in danger?

 

[Xantippe]

So gifts were returned. Now, your daughter is at the center of gossip at her volunteer work.

Now when is your daughter leaving her voluntary work? Why are you still allowing her to be in a job position where she could be in danger?

It really doesn’t sound like a great environment.

If there’s any reasonable way out, try to find it.

 

[pnewton]

I’m not surprised the giver is now passive-aggressively lashing out at you, by gossiping with others. Yes, the guy could be just immature. But there’s also the possibility that he’s engaging in this in order to coerce access to your child in the future. I’m not saying it’s “definitely true”. But given the amazing manipulation by some predators, this sort of step, driving a wedge between you and other people in the group (as well as giving your teen unwanted negative attention, which to her may feel like a wedge between you & her just for the embarrassment she’s feeling as the center of the storm)…this is just another tool in the predator’s toolbox. As long as you must be involved with this person, be vigilant.

Ah. Another warning sign. A lack of respect for parental authority.

 

[Xantippe]

Ah. Another warning sign. A lack of respect for parental authority.

That is a very good point.