Declining invitations to questionable events

[Aquila_Lucis]

Agreed.

It is much more rude of them to have asked than for you to decline.

Well, that’s a silly rule of etiquette; a person extending an invatation to you–whether the even is one you are uncomfortable with or not–is not rude. The rudeness that can arise here is if a) you accept the invitation and are so uncomfrtable that your host and their other guests are then made uncomforatble; b) you simply ignore the invitation; or c) you decline with an explanation of “having a previous engagement” when that isn’t the case. As has already been pointed out, white lies are lies nevertheless.

“Thank you for the invitation, but I am afraid I will not be able to attend,” is the best answer. You need not explain further and it is not the other person’s place to ask. If the person presses you for an explanation, simply restate your gratitude for their kindness for inviting you, tell them that it just isn’t possible to attend, and consider the matter closed. Anyone who tries to pry or to “guilt” you over the matter is the one who is overstepping the line.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Now something like a wedding you probably don’t want to come out and say that you find it morally repugnant, especially if you ever want a relationship with that person (or anyone close to them) again. I know that I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with someone who was so clear that he found my marriage to my best friend and my deepest commitment in life immoral.

OTOH, I don’t know how I could maintain an authentic relationship with a person from whom I have to hide my deeply held convictions.

“Close acquaintance” is an interesting term though. While I agree that I wouldn’t start out explaining why I wasn’t going to the wedding, I would start thinking about short, non-confrontational ways to address the issue of my beliefs on the subject. If these people remain in your life, or if they get to know you better and become friends instead of acquaintances, you may eventually end up in a situation where you are don’t have an easy out, and where you really will have to admit to your beliefs. And in some cases, like Blue Eyed Lady described with the Mormon friend, telling the truth hurts less feelings that letting them wonder what the problem is.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

OTOH, I don’t know how I could maintain an authentic relationship with a person from whom I have to hide my deeply held convictions.

And that’s why not everyone in the world can be friends.

Face it, if someone looked at you and your wife and told you that they found your union to be wrong and immoral you would probably put your arm around your wife and walk away from that person forever. (And that’s if you don’t have a temper) And if that person felt like you couldn’t have a real relationship without them telling you that your marriage was abhorrent, then there is no possible way that you two could ever be close.

And that’s fine, not everyone is supposed to be besties with everyone else. But there are circumstances where it behooves you to smile and just say “No, but thank you”. Let’s say your boss’ baptized Catholic daughter is marrying a Hindu outside of a Catholic church with no dispensation of any kind. For the sake of your job, its best to keep the objections to yourself.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

And that’s why not everyone in the world can be friends.

Face it, if someone looked at you and your wife and told you that they found your union to be wrong and immoral you would probably put your arm around your wife and walk away from that person forever. (And that’s if you don’t have a temper)

Actually, if someone said, “my faith prevents me from entering a Catholic Church, so I can’t go to your wedding,” or “I don’t believe in marriage, so I can’t support your wedding,” “or it is my deeply held belief that people should not be allowed to have more than one child,and I know you intend to have several, therefore I can not support your wedding.” I would not walk away from that person forever. I might be hurt or even annoyed, but I would respect them for being honest with me. Naturally, I wouldn’t be able to have a strong friendship with a person who disagreed with something that is such a big part of my life and who didn’t share my values, but I would see no reason to cut a person out of my life for that reason. That would be mighty immature of me.

And if that person felt like you couldn’t have a real relationship without them telling you that your marriage was abhorrent, then there is no possible way that you two could ever be close.

Well, to be fair, I wouldn’t use the word “abhorrent,” and I’m not suggesting that I would go out and tell every gay couple my views on homosexuality. I didn’t tell it to my gay neighbors when they lived across the street from me, and I didn’t tell them why we declined their dinner parties. But if I am real friends with someone, I would expect that they know me. The fact that my Catholic values are extremely important to my life would not be easily hidden, nor should it. Let’s face it, the wedding is not the end of the situation. There are birthday parties, housewarming parties, anniversary tales, adoption stories, etc. etc. the list goes on and on of things that the person might talk about that I would not be able to react to in even a neutral way. The friendship would be one way - because I would know a lot about the gay person, but they wouldn’t know much about me. That wouldn’t be a real friendship - it would be fake.

And that’s fine, not everyone is supposed to be besties with everyone else. But there are circumstances where it behooves you to smile and just say “No, but thank you”. Let’s say your boss’ baptized Catholic daughter is marrying a Hindu outside of a Catholic church with no dispensation of any kind. For the sake of your job, its best to keep the objections to yourself.

Absolutely.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Face it, if someone looked at you and your wife and told you that they found your union to be wrong and immoral you would probably put your arm around your wife and walk away from that person forever. (And that’s if you don’t have a temper)

Oh and I know I just quoted you, but I just wanted to say that for the record, dh and I basically have had that conversation with someone before. We declined the invalid wedding of his sister because we believed it was wrong and we told them so. Nicely, and with love, but honestly. And guess what - they sat there, listened, said they respected us for being honest. We said the same to them, and we moved on… They never expressed anger (to us) or cut us out of their lives, or anything. People CAN be that tolerant, and they should be. That so many people wouldn’t be tolerant of Catholic values (and I know that this is true of many people), is really sad, and not acceptable.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Interesting discussion going on here.

I agree, we can’t be friends with everybody in this world.

I’ve always felt somewhat uncomfortable with the couple in question because of their lifestyle and because they are openly hostile to anyone that is not an ardent supporter of gay rights. We never discussed religion although they know I’m Catholic. It was circumstance that brought us together (hanging out on occasion with a group of people), but nothing more. University life often throws people into such ‘friendships’.

Nowdays I’m very careful who I spend time with and whom I invite into my home. I have non-Christian friends but mutual respect and some common values are a must. Otherwise what’s the point? I’m past the drinking buddy phase of my life.