Decreasing charitable contributions

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Jared2914,

Did you notice that their charity, church giving, and gifts to parents total 37% of their income?
I would definitely encourage you and your husband to start doing a monthly budget together and to stick with it. You might benefit from taking a personal finance class together such as Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University.

After you guys get your house in order, I would also encourage your husband to have a good look at his parents’ budget and to help them streamline their living expenses. For example, they might have a spare car or RV or motorcycle that they never use, appliances they don’t need, a house that is too big for them to take care of, insurance that they don’t need, bad internet, cable, or phone contracts, and so forth. This will be ticklish, but when you’re giving 20% of your income to support them, I feel like a more hands-on approach is necessary.

Best wishes!

Yes I did notice the 37%. Sigh.

Parents … They are proud ppl who cannot humble themselves to be accountable to their children. My husband wants his dad to get a job (always my husbands solution … Work more). His brother (BIL) wants to force them to budget; SIL has said it’s like they are drowning and will bring down who ever is near them (financially) — as they drown, and we toss life preserves, they attach life preserves to heavy furniture instead of save themselves. I say he money given is charity; no strings attached, no expectations — just charity.

When we give money to a homeless person, we hope they will use it for food and shelter and not alcohal/drugs … We do not follow them to see how $ spent.

When we give money to our parish, we are grateful for the balance sheet provided. It is not our intentions with money given to church to poke our noses and tell the administration how to use the money. If invited to join the parishes financial committee, then we would give our humble (name removed by moderator)ut.

When we give money to a hospice organization, we are grateful for updates and any outreaching. Our donation does not invite us to recomend pain medication for the dying.

So, with the parents … We give and hope they will include us; I do not see this in the near future. Should they include us, I will probably have to remind my husband, BIL, and. SIL that all money already donated is a sunk cost. For now, we can only pray that our charity to them is pleasing to God, honoring our parents, and will somehow glorify God. It is hard to bite the tongue and not critique their spend though … I must confess it is very hard.

Just wondering aloud … Should we cut specific charities … Or do a decrease across the board (including parents) … Bet that decision would be best lead by my loving husband.

 

[Xantippe]

Giggly Giraffe said:

“Parents … They are proud ppl who cannot humble themselves to be accountable to their children. My husband wants his dad to get a job (always my husbands solution … Work more). His brother (BIL) wants to force them to budget; SIL has said it’s like they are friending and will bring down who ever is near them (financially). I say he money given is charity; no strings attached, no expectations — just charity.”

How about getting together a sibling counsel and making a plan? A job (or two) and a budget could greatly reduce the load on your household. Maybe even involve a family counselor? With the kind of money your family is spending on the in-laws, you can afford a few hundred dollars for a family counselor.

The time will come when it won’t be reasonable to expect them to work, but while they can work, they ought to.

The in-laws probably don’t realize what a strain they are putting on you, because if I’m reading your husband correctly, he has to be the big giving fun guy, and he’s going to keep any financial anxiety to himself (and you).

'When we give money to a homeless person, we hope they will use it for food and shelter and not alcohal/drugs … We do not follow them to see how $ spent."

Every charity I’ve heard of will tell you not to give cash to homeless people.

“So, with the parents … We give and hope they will include us; I do not see this in the near future. Should they include us, I will probably have to remind my husband, BIL, and. SIL that all money already donated is a sunk cost. For now, we can only pray that our charity to them is pleasing to God, honoring our parents, and will somehow glorify God. It is hard to bite the tongue and not critique their spend though … I must confess it is very hard.”

There is no obligation for you and your husband and your children to suffer in order to provide his parents with a lifestyle that you can’t even dream of. That’s ridiculous and toxic.

Please talk to a family counselor or a good priest.

 

[NFPWife]

Giggly Giraffe said:

“No, we do not have good savings for immediate expenses: car, orthodontist, even carpet cleaning, landscaping, vacations, or date nights. My husbands solution (his whole life), “I’ll work more overtime” … Which takes him away from family, creates more time adjusting budget, more treasure given to charity, and still hard time with surprise expenses … Let alone saving for stuff like house painting/bathroom remodel/ vacation.”

Gah. That sounds terrible.

I know people like this (the “I’ll work harder” types) and it doesn’t work. As Dave Ramsey says, you can’t outearn your stupidity. (That’s probably not a quote you want to share with your husband, of course.)

It’s time for a personal finance class (together), marriage counseling and/or a talk with your pastor or a trained financial counselor. No actual professional is going to approve of your husband’s spending. In particular, I hate the fact that you seem to have so little say in your family’s finances. Your husband gets to be “the good guy” with this extravagant giving, while his own household goes without stuff that people who are poorer than you get to have.

But just as something you can do at home right now, start tracking your expenses. Schedule a budget meeting (maybe even with a sitter, so you can do it when you’re not tired). When your husband gets his next paycheck, sit down and make a budget for the following month. The key is, we spend the money we earned in April in May, rather than spending the money we’re going to have. We don’t spend any money until it’s in our hot little hands. And giving is going to be a reasonable percentage of what funds we actually have. Checking out Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover or a similar book would be a good idea.

“Sigh … But cutting the budget in charity for clean rugs, trips to the aquarium, and house painting makes me feel bad … And my husband feel like a bad provider. How can we reconcile these?”

Your husband is not a bad provider–he’s a great provider, a bad planner and a bad budgeter. And if he doesn’t watch it, he’s going to be a bad father and a bad husband.

It’s not wrong for you to spend money on your family. As St. Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:8, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Also, think about the kids–what are they going to think about this as they get bigger? Are they going to be inspired by their dad’s example, or is it going to sour them on generosity? “Dad could have taken us to the aquarium, but he was too busy working and impressing other people.” That’s not really what you want to hear from your kids 20 years from now.

You need a line in your budget for regular home maintenance and family outings.

Best wishes!

This. 100 times over. All of this. I’ll just underscore the point that you have so little say. I’ll paraphrase Ephesians 5 and say that husbands are supposed to lay their lives down for their wives and love them more than their own flesh. Your husband is laying down his life for his parents. Literally, all the overtime cannot be good.

You also seem to acquiesce to your husband so he doesn’t “feel bad.” You can’t support bad decisions, to mitigate his moods. In addition to the advice about Financial Peace, a therapist, or the priest/ pastor, I’d add that you both could benefit from reading “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

 

[gardenswithkids]

IMO Tithing should be at least 10% of treasure. Should tithing be on Gross/net? My husband does this on gross (amount before taxes, medical, retirement). I…
… But my husband views it as something else.

We make more than our family and friends, but seem unable to live within our deposits. Am I being totally wrong about cutting our charity?

As I see it, the problem and main question isn’t should you cut back on how much you give to charity or whether tithing is based on gross or net income, or how much you give his parents and where spend the money you give them.

The main questions are: Is your husband open to making changes? If not, what can be done to get him to open up to your viewpoint on these matters? How can you and your husband come to an agreement about your finances and live within what he earns–while still being generous with others.

Your husband sounds like an extremely generous man and you sound like a generous and kind person. Treat each other with the type of kindness and generosity that you give to others.

 

[Xantippe]

NFPwife said:

“I’ll paraphrase Ephesians 5 and say that husbands are supposed to lay their lives down for their wives and love them more than their own flesh. Your husband is laying down his life for his parents. Literally, all the overtime cannot be good.”

Yes!

gardenswithkids said:

“Your husband sounds like an extremely generous man and you sound like a generous and kind person. Treat each other with the type of kindness and generosity that you give to others.”

Yes!

It’s time to reprioritize. The bigger the kids get (and the more numerous), the less feasible this situation is going to be.