*Deep Breath* - I'm thinking of quitting my job

[Just_wondering]

Well, not quit exactly, but… I’m going to give notice of my intention not to renew my contract. I’m a teacher at a private academy.

When I got hired in January of 2007 (for a start date of August last year), I told them I was planning to stay at this school for a few years. Well, it turns out I was wrong. Shortly after signing the contract I met a wonderful man, whom I can only see on Sundays because we live in different cities. Things are getting more serious, and we’re discerning marriage - but we really can’t do that if we only see each other once a week if we’re lucky.

A few months ago, I was certain that quitting this job was the right decision. My salary was lower than average. I live far away from my boyfriend. I shared an office with a woman I couldn’t stand.

Fast forward to now: I got a big raise, and I’m going to be at a higher than average salary (although it didn’t appear in my paycheque this month! ). I got my own office, bigger and better than the one I shared. I still live far away from my boyfriend. My contract ends on August 21st.

I have contacts in private schools in my boyfriend’s town, but I don’t have a job lined up. I’m technically only required to give 30 days notice, but my school takes 4 months to hire, which means that if I’m going to treat them fairly I should tell them now. Schools in his town tend to hire in June or July, when it’ll be too late to change my mind if I don’t get a job there. There’s a teacher shortage there, but I’m still nervous.

My coworkers want me to stay, mostly because they don’t like the idea of getting used to a new person. They are also warning me about moving for a man or giving up my own job for a man. I think it makes much more sense to live close to each other while we’re discerning marriage.

My boyfriend offered to move to my town, but it’s much harder for him to transfer his working visa than it is for me to transfer mine. (We’re both foreign workers.) He’d love to quit his job, but so far his company refuses to release him from his company-sponsored visa. Even if he did quit, there are more jobs in his field (printing) in his town than in mine.

I’m 90% sure that leaving is the right decision. I’m taking this weekend to discuss it with my boyfriend and make my final decision. (Note that he does feel the same way about marriage, and also that he has applied for a working visa to Canada, which must be way more fear-inducing than my simple move to a town two cities away.) Any thoughts? Is it foolish to give up a good job to live closer to the man I want to marry? Is there anything else I should consider?

 

[rayne89]

It is foolish if you don’t have another job lined up. Find another job first at the very least before you quit.

 

[LSK]

If you make a decision to move in order to discern marriage with a like-minded person, you must be willing to be ‘ok’ if the results of the discernment are ‘no’. If you are, and you are willing to put the results of the decision into the hands of a loving God, then be as fair to your employer as you possibly can and go for it.

My prayers are with you.

 

[1ke]

Regarding when you give notice. You say you want to give them 4 months notice to be “fair” to them. They ask for 30 days notice, therefore I would say that 30 days is what they consider “fair”. If they wanted more notice, they would have required it.

Don’t give notice until you have a new contract and don’t give it 4 months in advance. That is unnecessary.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I wouldn’t quit unless you’re engaged, and looking to move yourself to live with your husband. A long distance relationship where you get to see each other once a week??? I’d LOVE to be that close to my boyfriend! Unless you’re pretty sure you’re going to marry him, don’t do it, and then only if you can find a new job where you’re going. Unless you’re going to get married when you move, and he can support you.

I hope that makes sense, I have exam-brain right now, my thoughts are scattered.

 

[jrabs]

I would never quit my job unless I had another lined up and I would not move unless I was engaged.
Once a week is not a horrible thing.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

What pumpkinbeast said. Seeing each other once a week seems like heaven. The whole time DH and I were friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend, then engaged, we spent 3 months out of the year together, and then 9 apart. Completely. Across an ocean. I would have loved to have seen him once a month during those times.

I knew that we would probably get married early on, but waited until we were actually engaged and had firm plans before I moved. It’s foolhardy to risk your future for a “probably”. Romance is all well and good, but you need to be pragmatic as well, especially when it’s going to involve other major life-changing events, like uprooting yourself.

It’s possible to discern marriage when you are “long distance”. Especially when you can see each other once a week, and I’m assuming you talk online or on the telephone more often than that. If it’s right, you’ll know, even if you’re not seeing him every day.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I wouldn’t quit unless you’re engaged, and looking to move yourself to live with your husband. A long distance relationship where you get to see each other once a week??? I’d LOVE to be that close to my boyfriend! Unless you’re pretty sure you’re going to marry him, don’t do it, and then only if you can find a new job where you’re going. Unless you’re going to get married when you move, and he can support you.

I somewhat disagree. I definitely would not move just because of the boyfriend; however, if you are seriously discerning marriage, I think you need to be closer in order to establish a relationship that you can discern if this is the person for you. If it is easier for you to change your job than for him to change his, then I would. It says a lot that he was willing to do it for you but you have to make a decision on what’s best and most practical for you both.

Of course, it goes without say, do not live with him. Get your own apartment

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I somewhat disagree. I definitely would not move just because of the boyfriend; however, if you are seriously discerning marriage, I think you need to be closer in order to establish a relationship that you can discern if this is the person for you. If it is easier for you to change your job than for him to change his, then I would. It says a lot that he was willing to do it for you but you have to make a decision on what’s best and most practical for you both.

Of course, it goes without say, do not live with him. Get your own apartment

What can you learn about someone by living nearer to them that you can’t learn from periodic visits? You’re still visiting each other… I don’t see the difference.

 

[Just_wondering]

So I’m hearing mostly “No” on the moving to discern marriage question.

Unless you’re pretty sure you’re going to marry him, don’t do it, and then only if you can find a new job where you’re going. Unless you’re going to get married when you move, and he can support you.

I can guarantee I’ll find a new job within 20 km of where I’m going, it’s just a matter of whether I’ll have to settle for a job I won’t like as much. We are only planning to live in his town for 1 year at this point - after that, assuming we’ll get married, we’re moving to Canada.

It’s foolhardy to risk your future for a “probably”. Romance is all well and good, but you need to be pragmatic as well, especially when it’s going to involve other major life-changing events, like uprooting yourself.

That’s what everybody’s been telling me. I just feel it’s better to move closer now and be more certain before we move to Canada to get married a year from now. Also, I have lived in that town before, so I will have my own friends there as well. Job-wise, there’s no denying that I’ll be uprooting myself, but as a foreign worker here, roots never go deep.

If you make a decision to move in order to discern marriage with a like-minded person, you must be willing to be ‘ok’ if the results of the discernment are ‘no’.

That’s true. And since I have friends and contacts in that town, I feel like I could still land on my feet if we decided marriage was not in our future. Of course, I’d be devastated, but I’d have support.

I definitely would not move just because of the boyfriend; however, if you are seriously discerning marriage, I think you need to be closer in order to establish a relationship that you can discern if this is the person for you. If it is easier for you to change your job than for him to change his, then I would.
Of course, it goes without say, do not live with him. Get your own apartment

Of course. Conveniently, whatever job I find will come with an apartment, since it’s standard to include housing for foreign employees here. Likewise, he lives in an apartment provided by his employer.

If they wanted more notice, they would have required it. Don’t give notice until you have a new contract and don’t give it 4 months in advance. That is unnecessary.

I know it’s unnecessary, but I feel that I can leave on better terms if I tell my school far in advance. If I wait until the last month, I won’t be able to say goodbye to my students because they’ll be on break. Also, if I haven’t given notice by the beginning of the summer, administration will start asking me for my lesson plans for the fall semester, and that puts me in the position of having to lie about my plans or give notice at the beginning of the summer anyway. Another teacher gave notice six months early, and was treated with dignity and respect on his way out, so I don’t think I’ll face any negative consequences from the school.

 

[Just_wondering]

The reason I’m not happy with seeing him only one day a week is that he works alternating shifts, and he’s often barely conscious when he visits me. Sometimes he’ll come over after working 13 hours overnight and then going to Mass on his way to my house. By the time he arrives, he’s exhausted. We talk, watch a movie, eat dinner, and then he has to go back before the last train leaves. Sometimes he falls asleep on the couch while I’m getting dinner ready. I feel like I don’t see the real him. Often, we’ll both have time off in the evenings, but neither of us has time to travel there and back before the last train leaves, so we can’t see each other.

I want to know how often we’d see each other if we lived in the same town. For example, if he could see me yet chose to go drinking with his friends regularly instead, that would affect whether we’d choose to get married. Would he invite me to go along with them? (I’d like that.) Would he stop seeing his friends in order to spend more time with me? (That shows too much dependence.) Would he go out with me and my friends sometimes? (I would certainly hope so.) These are all questions I can’t really answer while we live so far apart.

I also want to know what expectations he’d have for marriage, based on how he acts when we live closer. Would he regularly expect me to drop my plans to do what he wants? (Bad.) Would he consult me before committing us to doing something? (Good.) Would he occasionally give up on something he wants to do if there was something important to me going on?

I feel that I’d be more able to discern marriage if I could figure those things out. That’s why I want to move.