Deeply confused and hoping to find some insight in finding my way back to Catholicism (very long story)

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handydandyandyman

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I am 22, and am currently agnostic. I grew up in a strict yet fair and loving catholic family amd was homeschooled until Jr year of high school and went to college but currently am on break. There are many reasons that I lost my faith but one rooted back when I was 8 years old. I was an altar boy and was touched and fondled by our parish priest before a daily mass when I was fitting a new uniform. After this I the same thing happened with our youth group director who had a suspicious way of acting around kids in our church. Being the age I was and not knowing much about sex and that type physical contact, I brushed it off until about 16 when I discovered the meaning of those types of actions and the numbers of abuse scandals taking place where I was left with a disgust and a creepy stigma of the church, initially shattering my trust in it. Two years later, my grandparents died in the same year and I fell into a deep and dark depression that is still with me and nearly committed suicide on three occasions. I ended up finding music and guitar playing as a strong passion and joined a punk rock band that has been successful and therapeutic since our members happen to have similar upbringings and doubts and unrest that we talk about in our lyrics, which has been life changing and helpful, but I lost all my hope and never felt a connection with god, even believing and receiving the Eucharist. I couldn’t understand why people who don’t know or hold an honest faith would be looked at as a sinner or someone who would go to hell for not being able to have faith after these incidents. To this day, I feel mentally destroyed and burnt out and am often left confused about why people have their own subjective versions of god and interpret scripture as time and cultures progress, why god punishes people who don’t happen to belong to his particular religion or find any good in it anymore, and why this religion is superior to the other thousands that exist as well. If people actually dont know and only rely on their faith, why would you be punished for not having an honest belief and not knowing what’s out there? It feels like God has a gun to my head saying you need to believe me or you’re going to suffer, but where is the free will in that? What choice can you make if you’re punished for thinking outside the box? Would that mean anyone who doesn’t happen to be Catholic is doomed? I want to find something to believe but I don’t know what god to choose and why one is more important over the other. But it’s so hard to when you’re taught to look at others who have different viewpoints as sinners.
 
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Hi… I am so sorry that happened to you. I too was abused, sexually, as a child, by different men. I was humiliated and made to do terrible, degrading, perverse acts, many times. I too, found solace in music. It was my saving grace. I played in a Thrash Band and was very, very angry. We did well and the album I made now sells for a cpl hundred dollars, on Discogs, (If one can be found.)
I was in the band with my 2 younger brothers, whom I had protected from the horrors, that I had experienced. They were killed in a car crash at 25 & 28 y/o. I then met a lovely girl, who pulled me out of the deep depression that had taken over my life… I woke up and found her dead on our couch, she was 24. I am BPD, OCD etc.
I am currently taking RCIA lessons, to become baptised as Catholic… My Priest said last week, “those who are most important to God, suffer the most”. We are systematically targeted by evil forces because we are sensitive, have empathy and have much to offer.
God doesn’t punish us, He accepts us for exactly who we are. The only way I was able to accept all the horror of my life, was to accept God and forgive those who hurt me… It is extremely difficult, but with God’s help, less so. The world punishes people for their beliefs, not God. Infact, I’m sure there is scripture that says even if one doesn’t know God, but lives a virtuous life, he will be accepted by God.
I came to Catholicism because Jesus said “You are Peter and on this rock I will build My Church”…
There are x percentile of peodophiles in every single institution on Earth. Why is The Catholic Church being hit so hard? Maybe because it is the Truth? They aren’t hitting protestant churches or cubscouts, or whatever, like Catholicism… Why? Believe me, I understand what you’ve been through and would never dream of diminishing your pain, or the disgust you rightly feel. I just hope and pray you can look past the abusers and see that isn’t the Church, just some very sick individuals that should have known better.
God is very, very real. He is being removed from modern life, for a reason. Incidentally, music is what first made me absolutely sure that God was real. I am a creative being, created in His image, as are you. Knowledge of Vibration, Physics and Mathematics is knowledge of God Himself… 7 tones, 7 colours, etc… Since I’ve let Him back into my life, I see Him in EVERYTHING… It amazes me that others don’t. But that’s just me.
God is the ONLY way I am able to forgive and let go of the abuses done to me and the awful things I’ve had to experience. God is calling me to use my gift, to glorify Him and to help bring peace to those in need, (I’m going to play and witness in Prisons).
Through Him, I have found peace… I believe you can, too.
If you want to message me and talk about it all, I would love to talk more. God loves you more than you could ever imagine… If I can help you in any way, I’d be more than happy… Perhaps others here will have better answers, but I wanted to let you know I understand. Peace be with you, my friend. God bless you and aid you in your search for Truth.
(I wrote a lot more, but too many characters.)
 
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We live in a fallen world. Today it is a broken society where sins are abound. Those with the label Catholic to their names are not necessary the saints we want them to be. Probably some of them are more dangerous because with the position they are holding, we are supposed to trust them but they are evil in all the external clothing.

You had a very bad experience during your childhood and youth, the kind of experience that can affect your whole life and shape your thought; and how you view the world and more importantly, God.

God is love. He does not punish the good or the bad in this world. The bad things we experience does not come from God but as they are.

God will only makes judgment when we die and meet Him on the last day, not now, which is a fallacy that many people, even Catholics who attribute bad things as designed by God.

God’s laws and precepts lead us to do good things, not evil. It is when we stray from the commandments of God, that we commit sins and evil deeds. And people who do evil are regardless of their standing, position and vocation.

Whatever it is, we are to look to God and be hopeful of the promises He has for us, that by believing in Him and repent of our sins, we will have eternal life.

God bless.
 
I’m so sorry for what you went through. FWIW I will remember you in my prayers…

Sexual abuse is a crime–a legal issue, and it needs to be reported to the police.
Sexual abuse is a crime that leaves psychological and spiritual scars on its victims, and not of your own making, and not of your own fault.
Psychological counseling is usually recommended in these cases.
If you’re asking “is there a God”, and trying to find the answers, there are many really good books out there (“Mere Christianity” and “Handbook of Christian Apologeticss” are two good sources).
But I sense your issue is more "can I ever trust clergy again?
See, here’s the short answer–most clergy are not abusers. But you have a trust issue going on, and for good reason, and that’s why counseling is the best bet for you at this time.

Again, I will keep you in my prayers, and please take this in the best possible way when I wish you an Easter filled with grace and healing for you!
 
I’m a little confused after reading your initial post as to what the exact, main issue is that is keeping you from Catholicism right now.

First, you mention past abuse. Obviously this is unacceptable and morally wrong behavior, and I can see how such an experience would have been off-putting when you were young. I am sorry this happened to you. It is certainly not something the Church or other Catholics condone. However, it is not clear to me how much this incident is causing you to stay away from the Church currently, as you mention a number of other factors that don’t seem to be related directly to the past abuse incident. There are also abusers in many walks of life including other religions/ other churches and also non-religious, secular settings - for example, public schools, or sports teams not associated with a church - so while I do not mean to minimize your experience in any way, it is not something specific to the Catholic Church.

Next, you mention that your grandparents died and you fell into a bad depression, eventually losing hope and not having a connection with God. While many people struggle with depression and faith after the death of loved ones, again it’s not clear how much of a factor this is in your current feelings towards the Church, because you go on to mention other, unrelated things.

Finally, you talk about
  • not feeling a connection with God. Question: Did you previously feel a connection with Him that you lost after the abuse and/or deaths of your loved ones, or did you never really feel connected?
  • not understanding why people have “their own subjective versions of God and interpret scripture” etc. The reason for this is likely that other people are seeking God, just like you are perhaps by making this post. Other people’s subjective versions of God are not really relevant to Catholic teaching, though. I don’t understand why there are so many Protestant sects either, but it has nothing to do with me or my thoughts.
(continued next post due to the character limits)
 
(continued from previous post)
  • “why God punishes people who don’t happen to belong to this particular religion” etc. - It seems like maybe this is something you were taught or absorbed when you were young. The way you are communicating this does not sound like current Catholic teaching. The Church teaches that Catholicism is the best way to worship and have a relationship with God, but it does not say in the Catechism that God is going to punish all the non-Catholics or send them to Hell.
  • “I don’t know what god to choose and why one is more important over the other” - There’s only one God. It’s not a matter of looking at 20 different “gods” and picking one that’s the most important. Also, there are a large number of non-Catholic religions worshipping essentially the same God, including all the Christian but non-Catholic religions, and also the Jewish faith which like Catholicism accepts the God of Abraham.
To sum up: I can’t tell from what you wrote whether the main factor standing in the way of you returning to Catholicism is your past abuse, the death of your grands and the resulting depression, or the confusion you seem to be having over which religion is the “right” one that also seems to involve your having an incorrect impression of Catholic teaching regarding people of other faiths.

Can you maybe clarify exactly what your stumbling block is so that we can address the main issue?
 
What happened to you was horrible. Things like that should never ever happen and those priests who abused children shouldn’t be priests. They’ll probably suffer a long time in purgatory for those sins. But know that Jesus and Mary are with you all the time watching over you, even when it doesn’t seem that way. Have trust in them. If it helps I believe with 100% certainty that God is always there. A few years ago I wasn’t really interested in the Catholicism, but what really got me into it was researching the saints, and all miracles ( if you want proof, then there’s loads of it. Just look at all the miracles, like there is a man who was afflicted with so many problems. I think he was paralysed. He had lots of other conditions too.He suffered with doubt and everything. But then he went to a Divine Mercy shrine and he saw Jesus and he was cured of everything. I think his name was Ugo Festa, or something) and apparitions of mary ( like Our Lady of Lourds and Fatima and Guadeloupe…). Jesus is there. You just need to recognise it in your life; some personal experience, I guess. I know this isn’t some deep spiritual philosophical response like some of the other people gave but I hope it helps.☺️
 
I’m so, so sorry for what has happened to you. It is said the sins of priests strike Christ right at the Heart. But please realize that this priest (if he is still out there, perhaps report him to the Bishop) is not at all representative of the Church in such action. It is an evil, evil thing.

I am also sorry for the death of your loved ones and your depression. Many people get emotional over such. But know that they may now have rest in Christ.

First of all, I think you may have a small idea of God. Of course, even if you had a big one, it’s not like we finite beings can fully wrap our heads around the Almighty God.
There’s one God. It’s not like there’s 20 thousand and you just pick one and hope yours is the strongest. He is the Being, not just the highest of being but Being itself, the reason anything in existence is. Not merely a Just God, but Justice itself.

 
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I will be keeping you in my prayers today. I hope that you find healing on your journey and I am glad that you are here. ❤️
 
I’m deeply sorry for all you have endured. I too have suffered abuse but outside of the church.
I cannot blame God for what humans choose. He gives us free will and sometimes we use it to do evil. Free Will is essential to love and so must not be interfered with except in extreme cases.

You are blaming God for what has been done to you when it is human beings who have done the harm and God is the cure. Satan puts more people on the pulpit then Christ.

This is not God’s will, it is free will gone awry. If you blame God for people’s Freewill action you will be left in a desert. God is the answer to the wrongs of human beings. He will heal you and set you on the past to right. If you focus on the evil it will eat you alive.
Focus on the fact that these people we’re not doing God’s will and that you have an inheritance that they cannot override, and you will find Healing. Reject God because of human actions and you will find Earth to be hell.

You cannot blame God for the actions of those who follow evil even if they are in the church. Blame the humans for human actions and then ask God for the miracle of forgiveness. You must forgive them and move on. Anything less and you cheat yourself.
 
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Please, go to your Diocese web page and find the office that handles Safe Environment. They have people in place to help you.
 
Hello, first off, well, that’s a lot to answer

First, i’m sorry for what happened to you, i know you had it tough

But, let me put things in context a little shall we? I know many priest aren’t good, i know about the sex abuse scandals, i know how that can shatter trust

BUT

I fail to see exactly how would that make catholicism untrue, if i came to you after killing someone and told you that 2 + 2 equals 4, is that any less true because i’m a murderer?

Also, not, not everyone who isn’t catholic is doomed, since there are those who may have not heard of Our Lord or His Church

And no, God doesn’t force you to believe or else you’ll suffer

The thing is A. We have a moral duty to worship God because he is All Good, he is Goodness Itself and therefore deserving for this alone of all of our love, even if there were no Hell or Heaven (and there is) we would still be obliged to love Him with all of our heart

Now, when you die you see yourself before God, All Perfect,and, if you’ve hated him, you know you’re unwothy of His Presence

Hell is the absence of communion with God, any other punishment is nothing compared to the damned depriving themselves of God

God doesn’t sends you to Hell, you condemn yourself

I know pain can be harsh, i know what all that mental confussion brokeness and anxiety can be like, and believe me, you will find no peace but in the Catholic Church

So to sum up
  1. God doesn’t damn you, you damn yourself
  2. Priests can be good or bad people, but the Truth is the Truth and it doesn’t change no matter how many priests do wrong things
  3. Go to Church, find a good priest, i know your trust may be harsh to force back, but believe me, if you find a devout and holy priest, you’ll be just fine, it’ll flow naturally
And 4. No matter what you’ve been through, a life without God is ALWAYS worst
 
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I note that the OP has not responded back and that most of the thread is commenting on the sexual abuse issue.

it is good that Catholics offer support to a victim here and it underscores my point that this behavior is not condoned or overlooked or tossed aside by members of the Church.

However, to reiterate, it is not at all clear from the original post just how big a part the sexual abuse is playing in the OP’s confusion about Catholicism, and no one is addressing any of the OP’s other questions which are not really relating to the sexual abuse.
 
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