May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you. May He grant you his peace. I will offer my own similar struggles for you to find relief from yours. It seems you are not longing to take your life, but to be freed from the trials of this life. That is very common. Please take peace in that many saints underwent the same. May your life be blessed here, and, after your seemingly forever wait, be relieved from all sorrows forever in the next. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you ever feel that your loosing control in battling these thoughts. That’s when you need further action. God bless you and make you whole and at peace and joyful again.
