Delicate situation with a friend of mine

[Kouyate42]

I would really appreciate some advice on this, but I’m not going to give too many details as it is a quite awkward. I also apologize for any mistakes in my English, as I’m unsure of the proper words.

A friend of mine has found herself being taken to hospital and is being kept there by law. I found out only because she is allowed a mobile phone whilst there and texted me telling me this at 5am.

The problem is that ever since this happened, I’ve been bombarded with texts from her and anumber of phone calls. Now I can’t switch my phone onto silent or off as I actually need to be contactable during the day, and at night I’m the ‘next of kin’ or the ‘emergency’ contect and I have no landline. In one day, she phoned me something like 6 times.

I really can’t do anything to help this friend of mine realistically, yet I’m really unsure how to sympathetically or charitably deal with the constant calls and texts. Telling her outright isn’t going to be the most helpful or kind thing to do.

Any ideas?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Set your phone to ring only 2 x before it goes to voicemail. And I use “vibrate” on my phone almost all the time. Stick it in your pocket and hit the button when she calls, send it to voicemail right away. Amazing her doctors will let her have her cell phone - she may have violated rules by keeping it.

You’re right not to get involved.

 

[shainski]

May I ask which side of it are you on? Do agree that she has a need for hospitalization, but she won’t admit it? or do you feel is that she is being held for a poor reason?

Are you afraid to level with her that you feel that this is for her own good?

My niece had a child and became pregnant and was suffering with severe OCD. While she wasn’t an immediate danger to her children, she became unable to leave her own home - and she panicked when even a trace of dirt came into her house.

Because she was pregnant, she couldn’t be treated with medications. But it became clear that she requires hospitalization to get “righted”. Now that her baby has been born, she has made some progress, but we’re told that she will never recover on her own. It is very difficult to have her hospitalized against her will - and my brother and his wife have grappled with having to attempt it.

So, I can understand how you might be in a situation where you sympathize with either side of this scenario. But if you feel that this will ultimately be for her own good, then you might be kinder to accept a phone call from her, sympathize with how difficult it must be for her to not be well now and wish that she will be “cured” quickly.

I don’t know how you respond if you do not agree with her hospitalization.

 

[Kouyate42]

May I ask which side of it are you on? Do agree that she has a need for hospitalization, but she won’t admit it? or do you feel is that she is being held for a poor reason?

Are you afraid to level with her that you feel that this is for her own good?

snip
I don’t know how you respond if you do not agree with her hospitalization.

My major problem is that I only have her word to tell me what’s actually happening, and so far what’s she’s told me is believable in some places and sounds suspect in others. Certainly I feel that the people responsible for her being there may have some point, but as I say, I can’t check anything for myself.

At the moment I’ve got some reason to believe she may actually need to be there. But I’m really divided.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My major problem is that I only have her word to tell me what’s actually happening, and so far what’s she’s told me is believable in some places and sounds suspect in others. Certainly I feel that the people responsible for her being there may have some point, but as I say, I can’t check anything for myself.

At the moment I’ve got some reason to believe she may actually need to be there. But I’m really divided.

Take it from the medical professionals - they don’t put people on hold unless it’s needed. The more you listen to her, the more you may delay her getting well.

 

[Kouyate42]

Take it from the medical professionals - they don’t put people on hold unless it’s needed. The more you listen to her, the more you may delay her getting well.

This is what I’m thinking. As I say, I can’t really check whether what she’s saying is true or not. It may be better to err on the side of caution and side with the doctors.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is what I’m thinking. As I say, I can’t really check whether what she’s saying is true or not. It may be better to err on the side of caution and side with the doctors.

Just don’t take her calls. Let the doctors do their work. If there is any way to let the charge nurse know that she has a cell phone, consider doing that. Maybe they know, maybe they don’t.

 

[TBenedicta]

This is what I’m thinking. As I say, I can’t really check whether what she’s saying is true or not. It may be better to err on the side of caution and side with the doctors.

You are right to be cautious and considerate in this situation. I actually had a similar situation a few years ago. One of my roommates was bipolar, suffered a manic break, and attempted suicide by filling our apartment with natural gas from the stove/hot water heater. So, while we knew WHY she was taken in on a 5150, it didn’t help us (myself and my fellow roommates) discern how exactly to handle her many calls/texts. She was being held pending evaluation on the psych floor of a local hospital and the floor had an open communication policy where she was allowed her cell phone and the use of a laptop.

I have to say, my roommates and I handled it badly. We were shaken be the gravity of the situation (one of my roommates was still sleeping in the apartment when it was filled with gas) and her mental state. We tried to be considerate, but in the end were far too direct when telling her “You need to allow your doctors time to heal you. Please don’t call.” When she became combative, telling her doctors, mother, and our Dean lies about us, we didn’t handle that well either. We stopped all contact.

I suppose that was what WE needed from HER, but not what SHE needed from us. To this day, though, I wish I had known what I now know about mental health. I wish I had been supportive in the way she needed. I wish we were still friends.

Learn from my mistake. I’d suggest walking the middle ground. Answer her texts or calls sporadically, and silence the rest. Tell her you hope she gets the help she needs, but make sure to be there for her if necessary. There’s no way she’s in a place where she knows what phone calls/texts are appropriate. She’s simply reaching out in the ways she knows how.

 

[admonsta]

I have two suggestions:

First, can you speak to the doctors, not to get details of her condition but to ask what you can do to best serve her?

Second. tell her that you are available for a certain time each day. Do not answer her calls except during the time you’ve allocated to her, and when you run out of time, tell her you have to go, but you’ll be available again tomorrow.

 

[graciew]

Are you really her “next of kin” or is there any family relative who could take over in case there are decisions to make?Did she appoint you as next of kin?