I forget the saint’s name, but the story goes that he looked at a prostitute with so much purity and dignity (i don’t think these are the best choice of words but to that nature) that she was converted at that moment. I wish I remembered his name. Anyway, I look to him as an example of how I want to look at all women especially those who are trapped in impurity because they have never seen the way God looks at us all.
I too had an addiction to pornography. It is something I struggled with since the earliest I could remember. The first occasion to this sin was discovering magazines in the bathroom cabinet. Even before the age of reason, somehow I felt inside that these magazines were ‘dirty’ but I wanted to divulge in them. Of course, my mother discovering that I had found these, had secretly discarded them. The next time I went searching for those pictures, they were missing. My long gone natural mother was the sanctifying one in the marriage with my father. Another stain in my memory was when my brother and I had accidentally stumbled upon a video of a women being inter-coursed. From my childhood eyes, I just questioned what it was I was looking at. We were looking for the cartoon movie which we never found. Before I continue with this long story up to the point in which I write this, I can really see how the devil, the flesh, and the world were all at work against me and without the grace which leads to the sacraments, I was powerless to the forces mentioned above yet I choose to do what was impure on my own accord.
In my youth when I was say 6 or 7, my brother once dressed in my mother’s dress as a hilarious stunt for me to view. I remember here, that I lusted after that which I now know is not according to God; more specifically cross dressing. I lived the life of shame in doing such abominations before God, yet I did not know him. At the age of 11 or 12, I had fallen into the sin of masturbation. Even after this sin had been revealed to me as a sin from a pentecostal church, I sinned in this manner for a long time. When I had discovered internet pornography, I dove deeply into viewing these things whenever I had felt the urge and even simply to consume time. Here, I tested the world’s doctrine of ‘sexual preference’. I feared homosexuals yet was repulsed with the idea of men laying with men. My chest would sink when I tried to view ‘gays’ If it had not been for the bible I had at the time with a picture book-marking a specific portion of Leviticus, I would have probably found no shame in such acts. Yet, it is by the natural law which assisted in my lusts for immoral women. Not that that is an excuse to be immoral.
As time passed, cross-dressing was left in the dust as according to Leviticus, a man shall not dress as a women does for it is an abomination before God. Here, God’s grace led me to clean waters: to abandon doing such things. Yet the devil tempts me still but I find no pleasure in doing those things for my eyes are set on eternity and not a brief moment of sin.
As I turned away from cross-dressing, I did not see anything wrong with viewing pornography. Masturbation was a struggle still. At the advent of joining the U.S. Air Force, I had made a commitment to God to abandon all sin and strive to live as clean and righteous as I could. I was 19 at that time. I managed to avoid all temptation by keeping myself busy with the tasks of military life. But eventually, in the weakness of my flesh, I chose to view once again pornographic images and masturbate. I have a laundry list of impurities which when I recall them, I see that I hated myself and was suicidal. To this moment in time, my sins are homicidal tendencies, suicidal tendencies, homosexual tendencies. I intend by God’s grace to become what He had willed for me from the foundation of the world instead of following the flesh the devil and the world which all lead to destruction.
I dared not enjoy viewing pornography or masturbation after I had been baptized catholic and had understood those were sinful behaviors. In fact, it was simply not enjoyable because these are a gravely disordered conduct. The puzzling thing about viewing pornography is that I dared not take my learning of sin into the real world. God wouldn’t allow me to enjoy pornography or masturbation. For those two things were derived from the desire to be with a woman but not to be permiscuious. So as to not be part of the culture of death which is involved in permiscuity.
But slowly, God drew me out of these sins, as my heart cried out to God to overcome these sins every time I would commit it. I took the road of escape which God provided for me when I was tempted. Now I have reached the state of being forgiving of sin, yet not licensing. This is my attitude unto other people. God has infinite mercy for us, but is not licensing us to sin.
I am able to escape pornography because I am convicted that viewing such images is wrong. Woe unto me if I go view them now. Yet God has called me unto something greater and I hope in that. I am able to escape masturbation because I am convicted that doing such a thing is wrong. Woe unto me if I go do that now. Yet again, God has something better in store for me. He has something better in store for all of us who desire better things.
I praise God for the single life. For a moment I was dreading the vocations of marriage or religious life, but I did not see being single as a vocation. I now see I am to be open to being called into a different vocation in the future, but steadfast in the condition I was first called. I just wanted to add this last part because I was wondering what God has shown you for the living of life until we are called home.
Just know it’ll be a tough lifelong battle and that’s ok. I just don’t want you to feel discouraged when the raging hormones come tugging again. The foundation of recovery is realizing you’re an addict and always will be. Saying you’re “delivered” is just another escapism from the true reality of your sinful condition.