Delivery Room, lots of dynamics

[Catholic5]

I’m going to try my best to summarize, but I’m struggling with the situation at hand. I am due to be induced in 2 days. Baby is technically due at the end of the month, but there are medical concerns. My husband and I are relatively newly wed and so I’m still learning and navigating his family’s dynamics. My husband started a new job last Monday, and so we will be moving permanently out of state shortly after the baby comes. He started the job last week, and I found out about the induction the morning after his first day.

Here’s where the conflict comes in. Hubby’s mom is an experienced nurse, and we have been having some conflict about her level of involvement in the recent medical decisions. Ultimately, I wasn’t there for the conversation, but my husband let her know that we want her involved as a grandma and not as a nurse, and asked that she refrain from any further contact with our medical providers. We did allow her to do this when we learned about the induction, which may have been a mistake, as she was hurt when asked to back off. She also assumed that she would be in the delivery room, and was told tonight that it will just be my husband and I, and our medical team. She is now even more hurt.

Her hurt may be accentuated because my husband and I will be moving out of state shortly after the birth, since his job is there, and will be taking the baby of course.

I am wondering, should we be more humble/selfless and allow her in the delivery room? His parents have done a lot for us, such as helping us with a place to live when our last lease fell through. Our reasoning for not allowing others is that it is such an intimate and personal experience, and something that he and I would like to just be between us, especially with it being our first. Especially me, I’m not comfortable with her to that extent yet. But I’m really struggling about the hurt it has caused.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I am not sure why she would insist on being in the delivery room instead of doing the normal grandma thing and coming in after baby has arrived and had some initial bonding moments with the actual parents. Her showing a tendency to want to be a medical authority here is also alarming. If she was your own mom I could understand it more because she would want to make sure you, her child, was all right.
I’m assuming you are just having yourself and your husband in the room and not inviting in other relatives while leaving your MIL out. Assuming that’s the case, I would stick to your guns. She will likely forget her upset the minute baby is here to fuss over.

 

[LittleWay16]

Moms need to be comfortable during labor. It can actually stall the labor if they aren’t. There is no reason to have her there if you are not that comfortable with her presence. Besides, it sounds like she needs to understand boundaries.

A baby being born is not a spectacle.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

If your MIL kept a giant statue in her living room and banged her toe, you’d not be doing backflips to try to ease her pain.

She overstepped her boundaries, she did this to herself.

My MIL is also a nurse. She came the day the baby was born, but informed us that she wouldn’t hold the baby because that was actually against new “baby friendly” guidelines to help the baby bond and have a better chance of nursing well. Apparently, the more people that hold baby that first day, the more likely it is the baby will have trouble finding the breast again. Something to do with scents.

Anyway, no one besides the nurses and DH touch our babies until a day has passed.

 

[Mi_Rose]

I am very honored that my daughters asked me to be in the delivery room. My daughters-in-law did not. That was fine. It is all up to you as parents.

 

[Vonsalza]

She also assumed that she would be in the delivery room, and was told tonight that it will just be my husband and I, and our medical team. She is now even more hurt.

Been there several times. Be kind to her, but… DO NOT GIVE ONE INCH. NOT ONE.

I am wondering, should we be more humble/selfless and allow her in the delivery room? His parents have done a lot for us

You’re having a complicated medical procedure done. The only person that must be there is you. And maybe your hubz. Beyond that, it’s your choice - far more than his (and I’m the “Mr.” in my marriage).

You owe admission to no one. It’s very personal and busy. The delivery team will not want her help (trust me, I know). You will be busy pushing a little human out of your girl-parts. If you don’t want your in-laws there, that’s a good, common-sense call.

 

[Clementine14]

You don’t need any reason to keep your delivery private. The more reasons you give her, the more she has to argue about. She’s already been told she will not be allowed there, so it is up to her to find a mature way to deal with that.

How you deal with sticking to your boundaries now can influence the rest of your time on this earth with your in-laws. If you are uncomfortable having her there, and your no means no, she will learn that you cannot be manipulated into doing what she wants just because she is hurt about something. If she is the kind of person who acts immaturely when she doesn’t get her way about things that are not hers to decide, this is only the beginning. Comments about breastfeeding or not, baby sleeping positions, feeding your child, etc. will be easier to deal with when you can say “This is what we have decided. New topic.”

You are sweet for being concerned about her feelings- but it is not in any way selfish to ask someone to respect your privacy and expect that they do so. “I will be praying for you” is the appropriate response to being asked to stay out of the delivery room- not making an expectant mother worry about her feelings.

 

[Vonsalza]

How you deal with sticking to your boundaries now can influence the rest of your time on this earth with your in-laws.

You. Aint. Kidding.

 

[Ghosty1981]

Since your MIL is a nurse she should know and understand that the patient is the center of health care. In this case you are the patient, and they baby is included as well. If you are not completely comfortable with having her in the room then that is the end of it from a medical perspective.

Hopefully she will understand this from a professional standpoint, especially if you are kind when dealing with her.

Peace and God bless!

 

[kptrs]

Based on your post, you sound like a people pleaser who has difficulty setting healthy personal boundaries. Google “books about setting boundaries” and educate yourself on ways to say “no” kindly but firmly and confidently, and how to not let others’ reactions to your boundaries manipulate you into doing what they want.

 

[JetteZ]

We experienced similar hurt feelings when we explained we weren’t going to let anyone know about labor until after the baby was born. The last thing I wanted was a gaggle of wellwishers clock watching at the hospital. It was too much pressure for me; plus, your constantly being checked by nurses and the doctor. I really didn’t want anyone else catching a view of my intimate parts.

Everyone got over it once the baby arrived.

Your MIL probably is a bit extra sensitive over the upcoming move. Do your best to make her feel welcome in the ways you feel comfortable and it’ll work out, eventually.