Dementia and Christmas - - Can I bend your ear a little?

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JRKH

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This is not a “heavy” thread…but more just thoughts connected with care-giving, holidays, “respite” etc.

As many of you already know, I am the full time, primary caregiver for my beautiful wife who has dementia. For the most part I do not find these duties to be burdensome, but they are tiring…and there are naturally other issues like isolation, occasional depression, worry and so forth that go along with this vocation.

I know my wife and what she would say about my “taking time for myself”…She would want me too…and yet there is still a sort of guilt I can’t seem to get rid of - I guess when you love someone as much as I love her, these feelings are just going to be there…

Anyway…

I decided to ask our Hospice to take her into the In patient unit over Christmas. They are scheduled to pick her up on Christmas eve and bring her home on the 27th. Under normal circumstances I’d have no issues with this…But on “Christmas”…
But - This way I can attend the big family gathering that I missed last year (as well as missing thanksgiving this year). When I told my mom I could here her excitement over the phone.

So - what is the point of this thread???

I guess that I just need reinforcement. For others to tell me what I know that my dear lady would tell me. To go ahead and do it. That for her it’s just another day. That she will be well taken care of and it will make her happy to know that I am happy…

So - now that I have that off my chest, I feel better…until later and the guilt will sneak back in again…🤷

Thanks for listening.

Peace
James
 
Awwwwww…You need a break! And as you say, she won’t know the difference at this point. As the flight attendants always tell us during the safety briefing, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else, or you’ll die trying to help others. I’m sure you are taking extremely good care of your dear wife and everyone needs time away from full-time caregiving. I don’t think you should feel guilty at all, not one bit!

:grouphug::hug3:
 
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

I’m going to tell you what I sometimes tell mothers of young children. Sometimes the “guilt” we feel is really just sadness about our own normal limitations and lack of power to make things better.

Go enjoy your time with family. Then you can come back and wish your wife, “Merry Christmas and a Blessed Epiphany,” as many times as you want.
 
Everyone needs a break, and it sounds like you deserve one.

You are NOT abandoing your wife during the holidays. Since the company serves many, I think they probably have people pulling relatives out for the holidays so her care should be excellent. You care for her 24/7. That’s alot for anyone.

Just becuase someone else is caring for her, dosn’t mean you can’t go say hi and spend time. You are doing what’s best for her and for you. Good job.
 
Even Jesus took some time out in the desert for a while, or out in the garden by himself. :o
 
Absolutely go ahead and do it! Have a lovely visit with your family and be asssured that your beloved wife will be well taken care of while you are gone. You will return refreshed and rested and that will benefit both of you. Is there some kind of support group you can join or senior day care in your area? My grandmother had dementia and sometimes we needed a break, it was a life saver to know others were in the same situation and could help.
 
Please don’t let the guilty feelings deprive you of a much-needed break. You know that your wife will be well cared for during the time she will be in care. You are not abandoning her; you are replenishing yourself. Please allow yourself the time to relax and enjoy the company of your family. And keep in mind that it is a blessing to allow others to take care of you, as much as it is a blessing for you to be able to care for your wife.
 
James, of course she wants you to take a break. If the roles were reversed you’d want her to take a break and spend time with your family. You take wonderful care of her due your love and devotion. You can’t take care of her needs if you don’t take care of your own.
 
If only all married men loved and cared for their wives as you JRKH. The world would be a better place.
Be at peace with yourself and your family.
 
JRKH said:
I decided to ask our Hospice to take her into the In patient unit over Christmas. They are scheduled to pick her up on Christmas eve and bring her home on the 27th. Under normal circumstances I’d have no issues with this…But on “Christmas”…
But - This way I can attend the big family gathering that I missed last year (as well as missing thanksgiving this year). When I told my mom I could here her excitement over the phone.

So - what is the point of this thread???

I guess that I just need reinforcement. For others to tell me what I know that my dear lady would tell me. To go ahead and do it. That for her it’s just another day. That she will be well taken care of and it will make her happy to know that I am happy…
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When you have this time (and taking regular time is important not just for you but also for her) what happens is you get filled up again. You also get the family and the love and the joy and you bring that back to her.

She will experience all of that: through you. If you don’t do this and other things like it, all you can bring her is your loyal and courageous but continually-depleted self. Her spirit is fine, but trapped with her body. Your spirit can fly and come back and those spirits are joined, by that Sacramental marriage bond, and your fullness of spirit goes to her.

Leave her in good care. Go to Christmas, go to the museum, go have dinner alone at whatever your favorite restaurant was and come back and tell her. She’ll hear you, even if her brain doesn’t. So go and have the very best possible time you can have. Fill yourself up with treasures of the spirit and carry them home to your beloved wife.
 
Please know that you are doing exactly what God would have you do and you should go and spend this holiday renewing yourself. May God bless you with a family time of joy and love. And, do not ever feel isolated as we are all here for you and would gladly listen and pray with you. Merry Christmas.
 
what an awesome witness to the vocation of marriage.

of course it is fine for you to take this time of respite. if you are not already in a support group for dementia caregivers please find one.
 
You have gotten some good responses. You sound like a excellent caregiver to your wife. I am also a caregiver, but to my 85 yr. old father who has Alzheimer’s. He can still participate in a small Christmas gathering, but I don’t know if he will be able to next year. Many people with dementia can not deal with a noisy family gathering at the holidays. Don’ t feel guilty for spending time away from her, you need it. Perhaps when your wife comes back, you can spend some quiet time with her.
 
Thank you everyone…
We get wonderful help from both Hospice and the County Seniors organization. If we didn’t have the help I don’t know what I would do…But I know God would not let us down.

Wednesday, our Pastor came and administered the Sacrament of the Sick. So you see we get support there too.

Someone mentioned that taking the time and allowing others to care for her (and for me) is a blessing for those people. I had not thought of that. Thanks.
maltmom said:
James, of course she wants you to take a break. If the roles were reversed you’d want her to take a break and spend time with your family. You take wonderful care of her due your love and devotion. You can’t take care of her needs if you don’t take care of your own.
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Maltmom - you are absolutely right in saying this. I would want her to take the time.
In fact many times I told my lady that I wished the roles were reversed…After all, she spent 20 years as an RN specializing in in-patient acute care psych…I didn’t…She would have been much better equipped to take care of me…🤷
Julia_Mae said:
When you have this time (and taking regular time is important not just for you but also for her) what happens is you get filled up again. You also get the family and the love and the joy and you bring that back to her.

She will experience all of that: through you. If you don’t do this and other things like it, all you can bring her is your loyal and courageous but continually-depleted self. Her spirit is fine, but trapped with her body. Your spirit can fly and come back and those spirits are joined, by that Sacramental marriage bond, and your fullness of spirit goes to her.

Leave her in good care. Go to Christmas, go to the museum, go have dinner alone at whatever your favorite restaurant was and come back and tell her. She’ll hear you, even if her brain doesn’t. So go and have the very best possible time you can have. Fill yourself up with treasures of the spirit and carry them home to your beloved wife.
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Julia this is absolutely beautiful I could almost here my lady saying this. It sounds so like her.
mountee said:
Please know that you are doing exactly what God would have you do and you should go and spend this holiday renewing yourself. May God bless you with a family time of joy and love. And, do not ever feel isolated as we are all here for you and would gladly listen and pray with you. Merry Christmas.
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Mountee - I have to say that CAF IS what keeps me from feeling too isolated. You guys make me laugh, keep me thinking, and interested and learning…
And yes I know that you guys listen and pray with and for us. I thank God regularly for CAF.

I’m going to reread these posts every time “the guilts” creep up on me…

Peace
James
 
fbl9 said:
If only all married men loved and cared for their wives as you JRKH. The world would be a better place.
Be at peace with yourself and your family.
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Yes, this says it all.

:hug1: Please, spend time with your family and enjoy yourself. You are a very special person. You need a break, and your wife will be in good hands. Wishing you a very joyous and blessed Christmas, James!
 
Keep in mind, too, that even if you didn’t need the break, it would have been too much for her to come with you. She probably would have been totally overwhelmed if your relatives came to see you, too. The last two years of my mom’s life, we only decorated my parents’ living room at Christmas. The reason we did that is that if Mom had seen the whole house decorated, she would not have simply enjoyed the decorations, as she would have if she had a different disease or were somewhere other than at home. Instead, the cue of seeing Christmas decorations in her own house would have gotten her agitated that she ought to be shopping and cooking and doing all the things she used to busy herself with at Christmas. It would have exhausted both Mom and whoever was caring for her at the time.

Ask the staff if there is anything that people in her condition enjoy when they are staying with them, whatever that might be. If there is, then you can do that, but otherwise consider that, like you, she might also do better by spending Christmas in a different setting than celebrating with at home or with the family elsewhere.
 
EasterJoy said:
Keep in mind, too, that even if you didn’t need the break, it would have been too much for her to come with you. She probably would have been totally overwhelmed if your relatives came to see you, too. The last two years of my mom’s life, we only decorated my parents’ living room at Christmas. The reason we did that is that if Mom had seen the whole house decorated, she would not have simply enjoyed the decorations, as she would have if she had a different disease or were somewhere other than at home. Instead, the cue of seeing Christmas decorations in her own house would have gotten her agitated that she ought to be shopping and cooking and doing all the things she used to busy herself with at Christmas. It would have exhausted both Mom and whoever was caring for her at the time.

Ask the staff if there is anything that people in her condition enjoy when they are staying with them, whatever that might be. If there is, then you can do that, but otherwise consider that, like you, she might also do better by spending Christmas in a different setting than celebrating with at home or with the family elsewhere.
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Thank you for posting this. I think my step mother is in early-stage Alzheimer’s and she just told us not to come see her over Christmas. She used to be a powerhouse, cooking and baking, doing everything herself, and now she can do hardly anything. I don’t mind cooking for her but I think it’s as you say - she can handle her small life when no one else is around but if she can’t do the things she did before, it bothers her.

😦
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Thank you for posting this. I think my step mother is in early-stage Alzheimer’s and she just told us not to come see her over Christmas. She used to be a powerhouse, cooking and baking, doing everything herself, and now she can do hardly anything. I don’t mind cooking for her but I think it’s as you say - she can handle her small life when no one else is around but if she can’t do the things she did before, it bothers her.

😦
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The problem is that lots of problems can come together when you get to be a certain age. For instance, chronic pain and depression go together, and that combination is one that could conceivably cause the big changes you’re seeing.

Would she agree to going to a restaurant, where no one has to cook? It also makes it a limited outing. Family get-togethers can be very tiring for someone of limited physical resources.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Thank you for posting this. I think my step mother is in early-stage Alzheimer’s and she just told us not to come see her over Christmas. She used to be a powerhouse, cooking and baking, doing everything herself, and now she can do hardly anything. I don’t mind cooking for her but I think it’s as you say - she can handle her small life when no one else is around but if she can’t do the things she did before, it bothers her.

😦
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EasterJoy said:
The problem is that lots of problems can come together when you get to be a certain age. For instance, chronic pain and depression go together, and that combination is one that could conceivably cause the big changes you’re seeing.

Would she agree to going to a restaurant, where no one has to cook? It also makes it a limited outing. Family get-togethers can be very tiring for someone of limited physical resources.
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Although my lady is well past this stage you both bring out a very good point. Even without dementia as we grow older it can become more difficult to deal with large groups and “busy-ness”. With dementia it can become frightening, frustrating - even terrifying.
We went through this with my dad…
The best thing to do is, if possible, get them settled in one spot…sort of “out of the way” and make sure that someone is with them. Someone they can focus on and who will focus on them. Engaging in conversation if possible, just talking with them if they can’t really respond, holding their hand if that is what is needed, making sure they have food and drink etc…Others then come by to visit during the gathering but there would be someone with him so that he could keep focused.
In our family we would take turns making sure someone was with dad and so mom could be away from him…She needed the rest and time to visit and such too.

But as I say, my lady is pretty much past any of this now. She is nearly bed fast and other than her smile and letting you know when you hurt her, she really can’t communicate. Each Holiday that comes - I wonder if it will be her last one…which is part of why I feel a certain “guilt” about putting her in hospice for Christmas day.

Juliane,
I am so sorry to hear about your stepmother. If this is dementia, it is a long and difficult journey for everyone involved. Keep a good eye on her, be supportive and pro-active where possible.
There are huge blessings to be had and lessons to be learned as a caregiver. More than I could ever say.
Count on us here to be supportive of you.

Peace
James
 
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