Denied Confession

[yesandifthen]

I went to confession today for the first time in 12 years. I told the priest my sins and he asked if I had a girlfriend and if I lived with her. I said yes to both and he said I could not participate in any sacraments because I was living in sin. Is that any priest will tell me? I was surprised, I knew I couldn’t receive the Eucharist but not that I couldn’t confess.

Thanks.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

If the priest believed you had no intention to correct your living situation (such as moving to separate residences, or, living together as “brother and sister” without sexual relations) then yes he can withold.

 

[LilyM]

I went to confession today for the first time in 12 years. I told the priest my sins and he asked if I had a girlfriend and if I lived with her. I said yes to both and he said I could not participate in any sacraments because I was living in sin. Is that any priest will tell me? I was surprised, I knew I couldn’t receive the Eucharist but not that I couldn’t confess.

Thanks.

Part of being absolved of sin is the intention to do your best not to commit that sin again. If the priest knows that you aren’t intending to stop sinning with your girlfriend then there is no point in confession, because you will not be able to receive absolution. Even if he says the words, you will not be forgiven if you aren’t serious about trying to stop.

 

[crenfro]

Hello. I’m not qualified to answer your question, perhaps you could ask one of the apologists on this site. I’m including something about contrition from the Catholic Catechism and a quote from the Archdiocese of Denver though. Please disregard if it doesn’t help.

Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most Sacred Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

VII. THE ACTS OF THE PENITENT

1450 "Penance requires . . . the sinner to endure all things willingly, be contrite of heart, confess with the lips, and practice complete humility and fruitful satisfaction."49

Contrition

1451 Among the penitent’s acts contrition occupies first place. Contrition is "sorrow of the soul and detestation for the sin committed, together with the resolution not to sin again."50

1452 When it arises from a love by which God is loved above all else, contrition is called “perfect” (contrition of charity). Such contrition remits venial sins; it also obtains forgiveness of mortal sins if it includes the firm resolution to have recourse to sacramental confession as soon as possible.51

1453 The contrition called “imperfect” (or “attrition”) is also a gift of God, a prompting of the Holy Spirit. It is born of the consideration of sin’s ugliness or the fear of eternal damnation and the other penalties threatening the sinner (contrition of fear). Such a stirring of conscience can initiate an interior process which, under the prompting of grace, will be brought to completion by sacramental absolution. By itself however, imperfect contrition cannot obtain the forgiveness of grave sins, but it disposes one to obtain forgiveness in the sacrament of Penance.52

1454 The reception of this sacrament ought to be prepared for by an examination of conscience made in the light of the Word of God. The passages best suited to this can be found in the Ten Commandments, the moral catechesis of the Gospels and the apostolic Letters, such as the Sermon on the Mount and the apostolic teachings.53

1. Can a priest ever rightly deny me absolution?

A priest will normally try to do everything he can never to have to deny someone absolution.

But on some rare occasions he will find himself in a situation where he has no choice.

This occurs when the penitent lacks one of the three elements that make for a good confession:

either the penitent confesses no sins even after the priest assists in examining the conscience;
or the penitent does not even have imperfect contrition for the sins committed;
or, most frequently, the penitent lacks a firm purpose of amendment to address a situation of serious sin, like a living arrangement incompatible with the Gospel.

In such cases, the priest will normally pray with the penitent so that he or she may receive God’s help to remedy a situation from which the person may presently see no way out.

 

[McCartney]

I went to confession today for the first time in 12 years. I told the priest my sins and he asked if I had a girlfriend and if I lived with her. I said yes to both and he said I could not participate in any sacraments because I was living in sin. Is that any priest will tell me? I was surprised, I knew I couldn’t receive the Eucharist but not that I couldn’t confess.

Thanks.

A woman I know was turned away because she could not agree that she would stop her relationship with her then boyfriend.

 

[ServusHumilis]

You’re surprised by this? No, no priest will tell you any different. And if they did they’d be in the wrong putting both your souls in jeopardy. Until you can convince the priest that you will “amend your life” (a line taken from the Act of Contrition), absolution will be witheld. A priest once threatened to withold absolution from me until I managed to convince him that I was going to change. He is a very good confessor and I haven’t commited that sin again… it was a very hard vice to give up to say the least!

 

[smichhertz]

I went to confession today for the first time in 12 years. I told the priest my sins and he asked if I had a girlfriend and if I lived with her. I said yes to both and he said I could not participate in any sacraments because I was living in sin. Is that any priest will tell me? I was surprised, I knew I couldn’t receive the Eucharist but not that I couldn’t confess.

Thanks.

Hi yesandifthen,

The problem is, part of the condition for you to receive absolution is that you have a “purpose of amendment”. This means that you intend to never let the sin happen again. If you’re living with your girlfriend, that’s not really intention to never let the sin happen again.

This next part is pretty important: It’s not that the priest doesn’t want to give you absolution, it’s that he simply can’t. Even if he were to say the words of absolution, you still wouldn’t receive it as it’s one of the conditions. So you could “priest shop” and perhaps find a priest who doesn’t ask if you’re still living with your girlfriend, but even then, the absolution wouldn’t be valid.

Here’s what I would do if I were you: 1) Talk to your girlfriend about your faith. Tell her you have an interest in returning to Catholicism and that it would involve abstainnig from sex until you’re married. 2) Call a local church and set up an appointment with a priest. Tell the priest everything and explain your situation. Ask him to take you on as a spiritual director and listen to his advice.

If you’re serious about coming back to the faith, and you follow those two simple steps, you will find you have the strength to do this and you will be happier for it.

God bless you! I will pray for you!

 

[Delaine75]

There is no point in going to confession if you have no intent to rectify the situation and amend the sin. I have had a couple of friends actually leave the Church because the priest would not allow them to partake in the sacraments because they really, really just wanted to go to confession and then continue committing the sins. They wanted to do what they wanted to do, not what was best for them or what God wanted for them, but then they also wanted the priest to play dumb and absolve them from the sins they were going to keep right on committing. I’m pretty positive that is why the priest said that to you and, while I’m not passing judgment on you, what he did was exactly right.

 

[yesandifthen]

Thanks for the info everyone!

 

[bben15]

If you and your girlfriend are currently living together, then you two need to stop, and live separate. Cohabitation is a mortal sin, and a priest can and should deny absolution until one of you moves out.

I know it can be a hard experience: after 12 years, being denied absolution, but you will receive absolution if you intend to amend your life.

 

[Deus_tecum]

Can someone do a partial confession, and then get partial absolution, or is confession an all or nothing process? I can see how one can get so that do not realize they are living in sin. Society has blessed cohabitation, and even promiscuity for over 40 years. In this case could the guy be forgiven for the other sins that he confessed, and has contrition for with the understanding that he does not have total absolution yet?

 

[PennyinCanada]

God has a design for marriage and family life that does not fit in with how the world lives. When we make the decision to walk in his blessing, he will bring his blessing into our lives. I can promise you, it won’t be boring! It was a kindness for the priest to make you aware that you still remain outside the blessing. We hope that you will find your way back, overcome the difficulties, and return to the blessings that have been waiting for you. Lent is a wonderful time to do just that. I will pray for you during the Divine Liturgy today. God bless and strengthen you today.

 

[chefmomster2]

Can someone do a partial confession, and then get partial absolution, or is confession an all or nothing process? I can see how one can get so that do not realize they are living in sin. Society has blessed cohabitation, and even promiscuity for over 40 years. In this case could the guy be forgiven for the other sins that he confessed, and has contrition for with the understanding that he does not have total absolution yet?

To be absolved you must, to the best of your ability, make a full and complete confession. No partials.

 Five steps for a good confession were required: (The Council of Trent)
 1. Examination of conscience
 2. True sorrow for one's sins
 3. True commitment to change
 4. Full disclosure of sins to the priest
 5. Completion of one's penance

I think the OP makes it clear that he was already aware of the seriousness of the sin.

 

[Origen52]

Padre Pio once turned away a woman before she even entered the confessional. He said that he would not hear her confession unless she gave up her affair with a married man. The woman was shattered that he would not even listen to her and, of course, amazed that he knew about the affair. After a long struggle,she ended her relationship went back to Padre Pio, and he gave her a hug and welcomed her back to God.

Don’t need to answer because it’s your private life, just put out here for you to reflect upon.
What are the reasons that are keeping you from marrying your girlfriend? Perhaps you could go back and speak to the priest about that.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Hi yesandifthen,

The problem is, part of the condition for you to receive absolution is that you have a “purpose of amendment”. This means that you intend to never let the sin happen again. If you’re living with your girlfriend, that’s not really intention to never let the sin happen again.

This next part is pretty important: It’s not that the priest doesn’t want to give you absolution, it’s that he simply can’t. Even if he were to say the words of absolution, you still wouldn’t receive it as it’s one of the conditions. So you could “priest shop” and perhaps find a priest who doesn’t ask if you’re still living with your girlfriend, but even then, the absolution wouldn’t be valid.

Here’s what I would do if I were you: 1) Talk to your girlfriend about your faith. Tell her you have an interest in returning to Catholicism and that it would involve abstainnig from sex until you’re married. 2) Call a local church and set up an appointment with a priest. Tell the priest everything and explain your situation. Ask him to take you on as a spiritual director and listen to his advice.

If you’re serious about coming back to the faith, and you follow those two simple steps, you will find you have the strength to do this and you will be happier for it.

God bless you! I will pray for you!

It isn’t sufficient to just refrain from sex. They can’t live together, as they would be living in the near occasion of sin.

 

[yesandifthen]

What are the reasons that are keeping you from marrying your girlfriend?

I actually plan to.

I appreciate all the replies so far. Seems the general consensus is get married, but if I can’t participate in sacraments while living in sin, I assume that includes marriage?

We moved in together while I was an atheist so I wasn’t really thinking about sin, I don’t know if we can afford to live separate.

 

[acadiANNA]

Society has blessed cohabitation (previous poster). God has not. Who do you want to follow? Do not place your soul or anyone else’s in danger of losing eternal life in Heaven. Praying for you to right now make the decision to live righteously.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I actually plan to.

I appreciate all the replies so far. Seems the general consensus is get married, but if I can’t participate in sacraments while living in sin, I assume that includes marriage?

We moved in together while I was an atheist so I wasn’t really thinking about sin, I don’t know if we can afford to live separate.

I would suggest talking to a priest and getting some spiritual direction on this. I don’t think you should be in a catch-22 with the Sacrament of Marriage.

 

[Allegra]

I actually plan to.

I appreciate all the replies so far. Seems the general consensus is get married, but if I can’t participate in sacraments while living in sin, I assume that includes marriage?

We moved in together while I was an atheist so I wasn’t really thinking about sin, I don’t know if we can afford to live separate.

I have known of couples who were cohabitating that were told they various things by the preist when they wanted to get married. I’ve heard of people being told to stop having sex until they were married and it would be okay. I’ve heard of couples being told to seperate and have one person stay with their relatives or friends until the wedding. I think the priest tries to do the best he can to bring people back to the sacraments, however, if the person doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what they are doing and refuses to ammend it in any way, there isn’t much the priest can do.

 

[FreciaMarie]

You do need to meet with the priest and let him lay out a path for you, in the proper order. There is always a way to return and make everything whole.

My husband and I came back to the Church, while living together (unmarried) and with a six month old daughter. I was lacking First Communion and Confirmation, he was lacking Confirmation, so it was an interesting- albeit sometimes frustrating- year long journey, but it was so worth the effort. We couldn’t live apart, but did abstain throughout that year, even though Father explained that the abstinence alone wasn’t sufficient- particularly since to all outward appearance, we were an unmarried couple, living together and all that it implies- but we had no other option. At any rate, we went through the year of RCIA, abstaining, preparing for both the missing sacraments and the sacrament of marriage. On the Tuesday of Holy Week, Father called and asked if we could come the next day (Wednesday) to have our confessions heard and to be married, so that’s what we did. We had our confessions heard, on the Wednesday of Holy Week, at 11am, received the sacrament of marriage at 1pm, that same day, I received Confirmation and First Communion on Easter Sunday and my husband received Confirmation by the bishop, several weeks later.

All of that to say- everything was made whole and complete, but it involved sacrificing a “wedding”, with all the bells and whistles, and involved following Father’s instructions and timing. It was sometimes frustrating and difficult, but it also culminated in the single most beautiful, spiritual, blessed week of my entire life, outside of the birth of our daughter.

There is ALWAYS a way to come back into the Church and to make everything whole. You just need to let your priest map it out for you and then follow those instructions, as faithfully as you can.