Deployment- want quick legal wedding

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SupermansGirl

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My fiance, who is going to be baptized in the Catholic church and we were planning a large Catholic wedding, suddenly received deployment orders this week for this February. We do not live together.

This has completely upset me for many reasons, the most important being that I love him with all that I am, and I feel I should really send him off as my husband, to such a dangerous place. I want to make that commitment to him and have the Army recognize me as the sole contact for any news on him. As his fiance, they would tell me nothing if anything were to happen.

My question is, can we get married in a courthouse before he goes, and then have the Catholic ceremony when he returns? If we do not live in sin even after the courthouse ceremony, then would the church have a problem with anything?

Again, I can wait for the big Catholic ceremony for when he returns in a year. But I want to give him this gift- even if it’s only legal and not spiritually recognized. I’ve known him 10 years and been dating him for 3 years, and we know we are completely dedicated to each other. And without the sinful aspects of a relationship present after the legal wedding, perhaps the Catholic church will allow us to go through the proper channels when he returns- Pre Cana, etc. And we wouldn’t live together until we are married in the church.

Thank you,
 
Go and talk to your priest. He has the ability to baptize your fiance sooner and under his circumstances, if he wants to be baptized. The two of you have dated for a long time and the decision to get married does not sound like a “whim”. Your priest may be willing to work with you on that too. He may be willing to marry you in the church and then you can have a big party and a “public” church ceremony when your finace gets back. He can also talk to the two of you for your pre-cana. Another option is a Engaged Encounter weekend in lieu of pre-cana counseling. I did Engaged Encounter and was not required to do pre-cana because we lived in different cities before we got married.

Good Luck and God Bless you and keep your fiance safe and bring him home safely.
 
ITA with the previous poster on speaking with your priest to see what can be arranged. Also, while I understand your desire to be married before he deploys (and in no way am I trying to discourage that), if it does not happen, have him see if you can be the person to be contacted while he is gone. In the Marine Corps, the Marine can give the contact information, of any person he wants, to be contacted to his family readiness officer. This can be a spouse, parent, friend, sibling, fiancee.
 
Remember a legal marriage means nothing in the eyes of God. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. So it shouldn’t be a problem… just don’t act like you’re married, don’t act like there’s anything new… for example don’t change your name until the real wedding.

But then again… doesn’t it seem like lying? Lying to the military that you’re married… a sin, right?
 
I agree that you should talk to your priest. It may be possible to have the wedding bumped up, even if the usual requirements are x number of months of preparation it may be possible to have an exception made in your circumstances. You may not get the “big wedding” you’ve been planning down to the last detail without as much notice if he is able to rush things along for you and his baptism may be private rather than with his RCIA group, but a valid sacramental marriage will give you both special graces for surviving this deployment, along with the legal recognition you are looking for. If your parish priest is not of an open mind on the subject, you might consider seeing if there is a Catholic chaplain serving at whatever post your fiance is stationed at and discussing it with him as well. (The military is its own archdiocese- I do not know whether their requirements regarding baptism/pre-Cana/etc. are any different from your home parish, but it’s another avenue you can explore “if at first you don’t succeed.”)

God bless you both! Please make sure you check with your priest and do things properly, even if it means waiting entirely on the marriage. There are so many threads I’ve seen on here by people now seeking convalidations or annulments because they did not want to take the time in the beginning to consult a priest, dot the i’s and cross the t’s and now have regrets and heartache because of it. My personal experience has been that the Church can be very accommodating when there is serious reason for it, but you have to ask the right people and possibly be willing to sacrifice some of the frills.
 
Actually, we wouldn’t be lying to the military since the military will recognize any legal union. We just wouldn’t be married in the way that our faiths (he was raised Christian but never baptized) would recognize. We also know that we are not really married spiritually and would not act upon anything that would be sinful. I would just feel better being legally bound to him, like, within the law. You know? I know, it’s a strange situation. But I would feel so torn from him if I didn’t send him off without some kind of legal promise. I mean, I totally could, but I really don’t want to.
 
SupermansGirl said:
My fiance, who is going to be baptized in the Catholic church and we were planning a large Catholic wedding, suddenly received deployment orders this week for this February. We do not live together.

This has completely upset me for many reasons, the most important being that I love him with all that I am, and I feel I should really send him off as my husband, to such a dangerous place. I want to make that commitment to him and have the Army recognize me as the sole contact for any news on him. As his fiance, they would tell me nothing if anything were to happen.

My question is, can we get married in a courthouse before he goes, and then have the Catholic ceremony when he returns? If we do not live in sin even after the courthouse ceremony, then would the church have a problem with anything?

Again, I can wait for the big Catholic ceremony for when he returns in a year. But I want to give him this gift- even if it’s only legal and not spiritually recognized. I’ve known him 10 years and been dating him for 3 years, and we know we are completely dedicated to each other. And without the sinful aspects of a relationship present after the legal wedding, perhaps the Catholic church will allow us to go through the proper channels when he returns- Pre Cana, etc. And we wouldn’t live together until we are married in the church.

Thank you,
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In some diocese Pre-Cana can also be completed as a one Saturday event. It is possible to have each of you attend and fill out the paperwork/questionare in two different parishes. I would suspect that you would have been planning to visit each other sometime during the holidays. Any meeting with the pastor can take place at that time, with proper planning. The Marriage can take place during the same time in the parish office. If I were going off into harms way I would want the Grace of the Sacrament with me and protecting my husband or wife back home.
 
Best advice, talk to your Priest or better yet, the Base/Post Catholic Chaplain! The Military are a diocese of their own. Hopefully there is a Catholic Priest who is the Catholic chaplain who will have heard of this “problem” before and will have a solution for you better than a civilian Priest.

Of course if your Parish is close to the Base/Post your Priest may have encountered this before too and if you have already spoken to him about the Wedding he will be prepared to talk to you about moving the date up.

Under no circumstances get married civilly, there is certainly a way to do this Sacramentally.

Don’t worry about the big Wedding part but if you are still wanting such, consider the Sacrament as important but the celebration i.e. the reception, can come later, it can become a joint, welcome home/delayed wedding reception! Giving your fiance a real Sacramental Marriage is far more important than just being legally married!

Brenda V.
 
A military mom speaking here . . Go to the base Catholic military chaplain. He has the experience to handle your very special situation. Yes, you can be quick and legally “married” without involving the Church – just go down to a courthouse and have a justice of the peace say the magic words and sign the papers. But, in the eyes of your professed faith, you won’t be married. You say you want to send your beloved off as your HUSBAND, and you won’t under that scenario, no matter what the laws of the land say.

Go to the chaplain.

My prayers are with you. (You know the old “you have to spend six months with the priest before you can be married in the church”? My eldest was married to her beloved Airman in less than three months, with full smells and bells, thanks to the efforts of a good holy priest who understood the special circumstances of a military life.)
 
IrishAm said:
A military mom speaking here . . Go to the base Catholic military chaplain. He has the experience to handle your very special situation. Yes, you can be quick and legally “married” without involving the Church – just go down to a courthouse and have a justice of the peace say the magic words and sign the papers. But, in the eyes of your professed faith, you won’t be married. You say you want to send your beloved off as your HUSBAND, and you won’t under that scenario, no matter what the laws of the land say.

Go to the chaplain.

My prayers are with you. (You know the old “you have to spend six months with the priest before you can be married in the church”? My eldest was married to her beloved Airman in less than three months, with full smells and bells, thanks to the efforts of a good holy priest who understood the special circumstances of a military life.)
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You and I must have been writing at the same time! Basically same advice only you have the added past experience to give our OP!

Brenda V.
 
SupermansGirl said:
I would just feel better being legally bound to him, like, within the law. You know? I know, it’s a strange situation. But I would feel so torn from him if I didn’t send him off without some kind of legal promise.
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These are just legalities though. The legal “promise” can be ended. The true commitment has nothing to do with the legal aspect. The commitment is between the two of you and God, not the law. I really do understand what you’re saying. I am the wife of a Marine, we’ve been married for nearly ten years, and he is currently deployed. I understand the life, I get where you’re coming from. So please do not think that I am not sympathetic to your desires. Again, I encourage you, like the other posters, to talk to your priest. The chaplain where your fiance is stationed will be able to help as well. My friend was able to get her marriage convalidated with only one week’s notice because the chaplain knew it needed done before he deployed. He could deploy with you as husband and wife, he could (if he will get it, you did say a year and many on year long deployments have it) come home for R&R to his wife, and he could come home at the end of the deployment to his wife. His wife in the Church. His wife in the eyes of God. What better gift is there than that?
I understand what you’re saying and I can see that you don’t just want to be the person to be contacted, but again, I’d have him check into that possibility.
 
I know of a couple who had a civil ceremony prior to the husband’s deployment and then had the big Catholic church wedding when he returned. Worked well for them. They wanted to be married for legal reasons before the deployment

A coworker had an unfortunate experience when her daughter’s wedding was planned. The groom found out his deployment had been moved up and he would be at sea on their planned wedding date and gone for 6 months. Their pre-cana work was completed, However, because it was less than 6 months since they first met with the priest, he would not move up their wedding date. They were married at a party center by an Episcopalian priest. The parents were so hurt they left the parish and I don’t think the daughter and her husband ever returned to the Catholic church.

I agree with previous posters, talk with a military chaplain - they are certain to have assisted in situations such as this and hopefully can help you’

Good Luck!
 
SupermansGirl said:
My fiance, who is going to be baptized in the Catholic church and we were planning a large Catholic wedding, suddenly received deployment orders this week for this February. We do not live together.

This has completely upset me for many reasons, the most important being that I love him with all that I am, and I feel I should really send him off as my husband, to such a dangerous place. I want to make that commitment to him and have the Army recognize me as the sole contact for any news on him. As his fiance, they would tell me nothing if anything were to happen.

My question is, can we get married in a courthouse before he goes, and then have the Catholic ceremony when he returns? If we do not live in sin even after the courthouse ceremony, then would the church have a problem with anything?

Again, I can wait for the big Catholic ceremony for when he returns in a year. But I want to give him this gift- even if it’s only legal and not spiritually recognized. I’ve known him 10 years and been dating him for 3 years, and we know we are completely dedicated to each other. And without the sinful aspects of a relationship present after the legal wedding, perhaps the Catholic church will allow us to go through the proper channels when he returns- Pre Cana, etc. And we wouldn’t live together until we are married in the church.

Thank you,
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You have about 3 months to do this. Talk to the pastor at your home parish and explain it to him. I don’t want to get into the details here, but suffice to say that it is entirely possible for him to be received into the Church, and for you to be married in the Church in that time-period (given the circumstances). Talk to the pastor, and please do so right away.
 
If you can’t get married in the Church before he leaves and it’s perfectly ok to get married civilly in the US and go to Rome for the Church wedding (as is recommended by the Vatican as long as the couple doesn’t live together before the religious ceremony) I don’t see why it would be wrong to get married in a civil ceremony and continue your preparation and have your big Catholic wedding when he gets back.
 
Phemie said:
If you can’t get married in the Church before he leaves and it’s perfectly ok to get married civilly in the US and go to Rome for the Church wedding (as is recommended by the Vatican as long as the couple doesn’t live together before the religious ceremony) I don’t see why it would be wrong to get married in a civil ceremony and continue your preparation and have your big Catholic wedding when he gets back.
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Probably because you are used to systems where the legal marriage comes first. That isn’t the way we do it here in the states.
 
Seatuck said:
Probably because you are used to systems where the legal marriage comes first. That isn’t the way we do it here in the states.
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No, I’m not used to that, I’m in Canada which doesn’t do anything differently from the US, at least where marriages are concerned.

But my understanding is that if a couple wants to be married in the Vatican, due to the legalities involved with international marriages, the Vatican suggests that they be legally married in their own country and then travel to Rome for the religious wedding. If that’s OK to do as long as they don’t cohabitate, what’s wrong with getting a civil marriage before deployment (which simplifies everything from inheritance to information requests) and following up with the religious marriage upon the soldier’s return?
 
Phemie said:
No, I’m not used to that, I’m in Canada which doesn’t do anything differently from the US, at least where marriages are concerned.

But my understanding is that if a couple wants to be married in the Vatican, due to the legalities involved with international marriages, the Vatican suggests that they be legally married in their own country and then travel to Rome for the religious wedding. If that’s OK to do as long as they don’t cohabitate, what’s wrong with getting a civil marriage before deployment (which simplifies everything from inheritance to information requests) and following up with the religious marriage upon the soldier’s return?
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The main difference I see is that a civil marriage in the US followed by a religious ceremony at the Vatican would likely be separated only by a few days, possibly by a couple weeks. In the case of the OP and her fiance, the two events would be separated by a year or more. Having such a long separation between the legal marriage and the church ceremony would not seem right, at least in my mind.

As several other people have suggested, I think the best thing in the OP’s case is to talk with her priest and/or the Catholic chaplain at her husband’s base. He can most likely be baptized and they can be married both sacramentally and legally before he deploys. As a practical matter the wedding celebration might be a bit smaller than what they had initially planned. . .but they can have a big party when he comes home in a year.
 
SupermansGirl said:
Actually, we wouldn’t be lying to the military since the military will recognize any legal union. We just wouldn’t be married in the way that our faiths (he was raised Christian but never baptized) would recognize. We also know that we are not really married spiritually and would not act upon anything that would be sinful. I would just feel better being legally bound to him, like, within the law. You know? I know, it’s a strange situation. But I would feel so torn from him if I didn’t send him off without some kind of legal promise. I mean, I totally could, but I really don’t want to.
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Please bear in mind that, unlike most countries, in the United States, the religious ceremony is a legal union. For example, my parochial vicar officiated at my cousin’s wedding Mass. He signed the marriage license and it was filed with our County Clerk. Thus, the priest has the authority to officiate at a marriage ceremony.
 
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