Deployments and strip clubs

[KendraDZ1902]

Today, I was checking the checking account and noticed some odd charges. I googled and realized that these charges were to a strip club in Italy. :sad_yes: Well, thankfully, T-Mobile works in the country hubby is now in because I woke his tail up. He didn’t deny it. He really couldn’t. He spent OVER THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS there. So, I asked him what did he do there. He says that he was already intoxicated before they made it there. They were bar hopping during liberty. He said that he didn’t use the proper judgment and went along with the other guys. He said that while he was there he bought bottles of alcohol, as did some of the other guys. He assures me that nothing happened and that he “didn’t pay much attention” to the strippers. He wants to Skype with me when he wakes up so we can talk more about it. I informed him that my body hasn’t changed since him being gone, that I am definitely not stripper material. Why would he want to see me? He told me that he was glad that I didn’t have stripper qualities.

I was really mean and informed him that I am a very good wife. I don’t go to strip clubs or anything while he is gone. (I will have dinner and drinks with some girlfriends occasionally) BUT that could all change and I could become a “ratchet vindictive *itch” Probably not the best thing to say, but I did want to freak him out a bit.

I’m just so upset. This is the guy in college that didn’t even have porn. ( We were both non practicing protestants back then) This is the guy who totally respects women. We were at a concert in a bar during our college years and he got into a fight for defending one of my sorority sisters. The guy respects women enough to fight another guy, but ends up in a strip club?!?! I just can’t wrap my mind around it. He doesn’t have a masturbation problem or a porn problem. I don’t know what’s going on! AHHHH!!! :banghead: But I am extremely hurt by this. :dts:

 

[TxGodfollower]

Today, I was checking the checking account and noticed some odd charges. I googled and realized that these charges were to a strip club in Italy. :sad_yes: Well, thankfully, T-Mobile works in the country hubby is now in because I woke his tail up. He didn’t deny it. He really couldn’t. He spent OVER THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS there. So, I asked him what did he do there. He says that he was already intoxicated before they made it there. They were bar hopping during liberty. He said that he didn’t use the proper judgment and went along with the other guys. He said that while he was there he bought bottles of alcohol, as did some of the other guys. He assures me that nothing happened and that he “didn’t pay much attention” to the strippers. He wants to Skype with me when he wakes up so we can talk more about it. I informed him that my body hasn’t changed since him being gone, that I am definitely not stripper material. Why would he want to see me? He told me that he was glad that I didn’t have stripper qualities.

I was really mean and informed him that I am a very good wife. I don’t go to strip clubs or anything while he is gone. (I will have dinner and drinks with some girlfriends occasionally) BUT that could all change and I could become a “ratchet vindictive *itch” Probably not the best thing to say, but I did want to freak him out a bit.

I’m just so upset. This is the guy in college that didn’t even have porn. ( We were both non practicing protestants back then) This is the guy who totally respects women. We were at a concert in a bar during our college years and he got into a fight for defending one of my sorority sisters. The guy respects women enough to fight another guy, but ends up in a strip club?!?! I just can’t wrap my mind around it. He doesn’t have a masturbation problem or a porn problem. I don’t know what’s going on! AHHHH!!! :banghead: But I am extremely hurt by this. :dts:

Kendra, sounds like you got a great guy.

I think that where your focus should be is on his drinking, not the strip club. If it wasn’t for the drinking, he probably wouldn’t have went. I can understand him having a few drinks, but that day he had a few too many.

Based on what you said, I think this was a dumb drunk moment decision, then he was too embarrassed to mention it to you until you saw the bank statement. I am sure the two of you can work through this. I will be praying for ya’ll.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Kendra, sounds like you got a great guy.

I think that where your focus should be is on his drinking, not the strip club. If it wasn’t for the drinking, he probably wouldn’t have went. I can understand him having a few drinks, but that day he had a few too many.

Based on what you said, I think this was a dumb drunk moment decision, then he was too embarrassed to mention it to you until you saw the bank statement. I am sure the two of you can work through this. I will be praying for ya’ll.

He truly is a great guy, I think this is why it is so upsetting. We did talk about his alcohol consumption. It seems like he wasn’t the leader in this group, but a follower who wanted to fit in. I told him that I was fine with him having a few beers with his buddies during liberty. His job is stressful and they don’t get many off days being deployed. I told him drinking bottles or even sharing bottles is a no go. He isn’t stupid and already knew everything I was telling him. I think it boils down to poor judgment and fitting in. Still hurts that he saw naked women, though.

 

[captainrick]

He truly is a great guy, I think this is why it is so upsetting. We did talk about his alcohol consumption. It seems like he wasn’t the leader in this group, but a follower who wanted to fit in. I told him that I was fine with him having a few beers with his buddies during liberty. His job is stressful and they don’t get many off days being deployed. I told him drinking bottles or even sharing bottles is a no go. He isn’t stupid and already knew everything I was telling him. I think it boils down to poor judgment and fitting in. Still hurts that he saw naked women, though.

Try to forgive and let it go. My wife put up with such things when I was deployed for years. I wish I had behaved better, but we got through those rough spots, and have had a happy marriage for over forty years now.

 

[DarkLight]

It might not hurt to ask him to refrain from drinking for a little while though, or to restrict his drinking to within set limits.

 

[Neofight]

Having completed 8 western pacific deployments, 6 of them as a married guy, I’ll add my two cents worth in the spirit of “been there;done that”.

Drinking isn’t near the problem compared to the careful selection of your “running mates”.

On all my ships I found a cadre of fun loving guys who wanted to blow off steam, but we knew alcohol would likely lead to behavior that was not conducive to a happy marriage…so we hung together, each watching out for each other, and to be honest with you it was not difficult thing to do…and we still hoisted a mug of grog (or two or three).

I remember we would pay off a bar owner, bar maid, bouncer or cop to ensure no bar flies flittered around us…worked every time…but most important we were accountable to each other.

Forgive him, don’t dwell on it, but firmly and lovingly suggest he hooks up with some other men that share the same values heholds dear.

Peace and all good!

 

[Xantippe]

Having completed 8 western pacific deployments, 6 of them as a married guy, I’ll add my two cents worth in the spirit of “been there;done that”.

Drinking isn’t near the problem compared to the careful selection of your “running mates”.

On all my ships I found a cadre of fun loving guys who wanted to blow off steam, but we knew alcohol would likely lead to behavior that was not conducive to a happy marriage…so we hung together, each watching out for each other, and to be honest with you it was not difficult thing to do…and we still hoisted a mug of grog (or two or three).

I remember we would pay off a bar owner, bar maid, bouncer or cop to ensure no bar flies flittered around us…worked every time…but most important we were accountable to each other.

Forgive him, don’t dwell on it, but firmly and lovingly suggest he hooks up with some other men that share the same values heholds dear.

Peace and all good!

Very good advice!

 

[jmr_1985]

As someone who in a previous life used to go to such places, I think you have every right to be upset. I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive him, but he is your husband and has made a commitment to you for the rest of his life. Sitting in a room with other women dancing around topless or worse isn’t living up to that commitment and I think you are right to call him out on that.

While we all fall short of doing the right thing in front of our friends, we have to recognize that sometimes being faithful to God requires us to say, “I’m going to head on back home now guys” and not succumbing to pressure. Before I came to the Church, I was at a bachelor party one time when my friend who was getting married refused to walk into a strip club despite all of us giving him a lot of grief about it. It took a lot of courage. I try to do the same now.

JMR

 

[EmeraldOak]

Kendra, I’m sorry, as a married woman I understand that it is a betrayal. I’m not taking up for your husband but at least he is sorry. I know plenty guys who would say I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do and pay cash next time, I’m a red-blooded man, I married you didn’t I, {insert another lame excuse here}… They think as long as they don’t touch that they’re entitled to look. My husband works with men of this mentality who think nothing of going oogling at Hooter’s after work. Your husband admits he used bad judgement and sounds repentant and that’s something to be grateful for. I’m trying to look for the positives :-/

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Thanks for all of the advice. It truly appreciate it. He wrote me and told me that he understood where I was coming from and that he will be seeking better friends. Doesn’t really matter now, where he is until the end of deployment is in the middle of no where. Lol. I guess that stop was the last hooray.
He seems sincerely apologetic and said that he will work on making it up to me “every single day.” I told him that I no longer want to discuss it and he was very glad about that. Thanks, y’all!

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for all of the advice. It truly appreciate it. He wrote me and told me that he understood where I was coming from and that he will be seeking better friends. Doesn’t really matter now, where he is until the end of deployment is in the middle of no where. Lol. I guess that stop was the last hooray.
He seems sincerely apologetic and said that he will work on making it up to me “every single day.” I told him that I no longer want to discuss it and he was very glad about that. Thanks, y’all!

Yay!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Today, I was checking the checking account and noticed some odd charges. I googled and realized that these charges were to a strip club in Italy. :sad_yes: Well, thankfully, T-Mobile works in the country hubby is now in because I woke his tail up. He didn’t deny it. He really couldn’t. He spent OVER THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS there. So, I asked him what did he do there. He says that he was already intoxicated before they made it there. They were bar hopping during liberty. He said that he didn’t use the proper judgment and went along with the other guys. He said that while he was there he bought bottles of alcohol, as did some of the other guys. He assures me that nothing happened and that he “didn’t pay much attention” to the strippers. He wants to Skype with me when he wakes up so we can talk more about it. I informed him that my body hasn’t changed since him being gone, that I am definitely not stripper material. Why would he want to see me? He told me that he was glad that I didn’t have stripper qualities.

I was really mean and informed him that I am a very good wife. I don’t go to strip clubs or anything while he is gone. (I will have dinner and drinks with some girlfriends occasionally) BUT that could all change and I could become a “ratchet vindictive *itch” Probably not the best thing to say, but I did want to freak him out a bit.

I’m just so upset. This is the guy in college that didn’t even have porn. ( We were both non practicing protestants back then) This is the guy who totally respects women. We were at a concert in a bar during our college years and he got into a fight for defending one of my sorority sisters. The guy respects women enough to fight another guy, but ends up in a strip club?!?! I just can’t wrap my mind around it. He doesn’t have a masturbation problem or a porn problem. I don’t know what’s going on! AHHHH!!! :banghead: But I am extremely hurt by this. :dts:

I think this is a good news/badnews situation.

Good news. 1) It is probably true that this is a one time thing. An experienced person with this type of thing would not have put it on his debit card.
2) It is a bad decision and immoral for sure, but it is fixable.
3) That he is not lying, or denying, or making excuses and is apologetic is a wonderful sign. This type of thing can be embarrassing for him and the instinct might be to cover it up or get defensive. I don’t think that happened.
4) Other than this he is a good man and you love him and are proud of him.
5) No one can predict the future but I doubt this will happen again.

Bad news.

1. That is a lot of money to an industry that abuses women.
2. He did pay attention to the strippers.
3. Since he is gone, he needs to work extra hard on his marriage and your trust. This really destroyed some of that.
4. Either he is a follower and weak in this situation, or he is a jerk. Sounds like he knew he was weak and is taking steps to not have this happen again.
5. Honestly, not only did he let you down, but also those of us men and fathers that expect better from a man in husband material and Navy material.

That he has talked to you, and apologized and feels real remorse and shame is the best news of all. I doubt this will ever happen again. And you get a chance to help him by working through this with him, and forgiving him. Spiritually, it is a form of adultery. But it can indeed be overcome.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Today, I was checking the checking account and noticed some odd charges. I googled and realized that these charges were to a strip club in Italy. :sad_yes: Well, thankfully, T-Mobile works in the country hubby is now in because I woke his tail up. He didn’t deny it. He really couldn’t. He spent OVER THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS there. So, I asked him what did he do there. He says that he was already intoxicated before they made it there. They were bar hopping during liberty. He said that he didn’t use the proper judgment and went along with the other guys. He said that while he was there he bought bottles of alcohol, as did some of the other guys. He assures me that nothing happened and that he “didn’t pay much attention” to the strippers. **He wants to Skype with me when he wakes up so we can talk more about it. I informed him that my body hasn’t changed since him being gone, that I am definitely not stripper material. Why would he want to see me? He told me that he was glad that I didn’t have stripper qualities.
**
I was really mean and informed him that I am a very good wife. I don’t go to strip clubs or anything while he is gone. (I will have dinner and drinks with some girlfriends occasionally) BUT that could all change and I could become a “ratchet vindictive *itch” Probably not the best thing to say, but I did want to freak him out a bit.

I’m just so upset. This is the guy in college that didn’t even have porn. ( We were both non practicing protestants back then) This is the guy who totally respects women. We were at a concert in a bar during our college years and he got into a fight for defending one of my sorority sisters. The guy respects women enough to fight another guy, but ends up in a strip club?!?! I just can’t wrap my mind around it. He doesn’t have a masturbation problem or a porn problem. I don’t know what’s going on! AHHHH!!! :banghead: But I am extremely hurt by this. :dts:

That is definitely over reacting, I think he just wanted to talk face to face.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Having completed 8 western pacific deployments, 6 of them as a married guy, I’ll add my two cents worth in the spirit of “been there;done that”.

Drinking isn’t near the problem compared to the careful selection of your “running mates”.

On all my ships I found a cadre of fun loving guys who wanted to blow off steam, but we knew alcohol would likely lead to behavior that was not conducive to a happy marriage…so we hung together, each watching out for each other, and to be honest with you it was not difficult thing to do…and we still hoisted a mug of grog (or two or three).

I remember we would pay off a bar owner, bar maid, bouncer or cop to ensure no bar flies flittered around us…worked every time…but most important we were accountable to each other.

Forgive him, don’t dwell on it, but firmly and lovingly suggest he hooks up with some other men that share the same values heholds dear.

Peace and all good!

Sorry he’s putting you through this. He knows better, every wardroom I’ve been in has had that discussion late at night in some bar over drinks (… or on RN ships, in the wardroom- they’re a wet Navy!!). Is doing XXX being unfaithful? Correct answer is- anything you know your spouse wouldn’t want you doing is being unfaithful. These deployments are hard on marriages and the trust has to work both ways. That’s what he’s undermined and that is what you have to stress-- foundation to a marriage is love, and being able to trust is a large part of that.

Anyway, he’s admitted it and not trying to hide it, given the wide presence of cell phones with cameras I expect that what he said is true-- he spent the money on booze. You can burn up money very fast in a bar overseas. If he did more, there’ll be photos and they’ll make their way around the wives network pretty quickly. What happens on WESTPAC no longer stays on WESTPAC.

Another problem guys get sucked into is having to pair up with buddies on liberty. At least as I left the Navy that was the policy on deployment for liberty, you signed out with a buddy and had to sign in with him or you were in big trouble. No leaving your buddy behind. Which becomes a problem if you team up with same jerk who thinks it’s funny to wander into places that make you uncomfortable. So, picking good liberty buddies is essential. You need to encourage him to find folks who’d rather do something other than bar hop. Most ports have SCUBA opportunities, or bus tours arranged through the MWR officer- encourage him to get together with folks who enjoy those kinds of things.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Sorry he’s putting you through this. He knows better, every wardroom I’ve been in has had that discussion late at night in some bar over drinks (… or on RN ships, in the wardroom- they’re a wet Navy!!). Is doing XXX being unfaithful? Correct answer is- anything you know your spouse wouldn’t want you doing is being unfaithful. These deployments are hard on marriages and the trust has to work both ways. That’s what he’s undermined and that is what you have to stress-- foundation to a marriage is love, and being able to trust is a large part of that.

Anyway, he’s admitted it and not trying to hide it, given the wide presence of cell phones with cameras I expect that what he said is true-- he spent the money on booze. You can burn up money very fast in a bar overseas. If he did more, there’ll be photos and they’ll make their way around the wives network pretty quickly. What happens on WESTPAC no longer stays on WESTPAC.

Another problem guys get sucked into is having to pair up with buddies on liberty. At least as I left the Navy that was the policy on deployment for liberty, you signed out with a buddy and had to sign in with him or you were in big trouble. No leaving your buddy behind. Which becomes a problem if you team up with same jerk who thinks it’s funny to wander into places that make you uncomfortable. So, picking good liberty buddies is essential. You need to encourage him to find folks who’d rather do something other than bar hop. Most ports have SCUBA opportunities, or bus tours arranged through the MWR officer- encourage him to get together with folks who enjoy those kinds of things.

I don’t know if there would have been bus tours and such. He’s not on a ship and I don’t know how scheduling for those things work. He was on a MAC flight and they had 24 hours until the next flight. It wasn’t like some ship was in port. But I’m sure he could have definitely found better things to do.

I’m glad that he is apologetic and he said that he will work daily to build the broken trust. I guess all marriages hit bumps in the road. After 2 1/2 years of marriage and in the middle of the 3rd deployment (first one was while we were engaged), I should be thankful that this has been our only issue. He is typically a gentleman.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t know if there would have been bus tours and such. He’s not on a ship and I don’t know how scheduling for those things work. He was on a MAC flight and they had 24 hours until the next flight. It wasn’t like some ship was in port. But I’m sure he could have definitely found better things to do.

I’m glad that he is apologetic and he said that he will work daily to build the broken trust. I guess all marriages hit bumps in the road. After 2 1/2 years of marriage and in the middle of the 3rd deployment (first one was while we were engaged), I should be thankful that this has been our only issue. He is typically a gentleman.

Yes it is important not to lose perspective. While you may be hurt, (for good reason) There is no need to make this into something it is not and it is good that you are taking a big picture approach. Our Job is to help our spouses get to heaven. He is blessed to have a wife that will help him in that way!

 

[on_the_hill]

I’ve never been in the military, but I’ve been in strip clubs with my buddies. Way back in time.

In my experience, the “thrill” of being in one wears off after about the first two or three minutes, and then you’re just a group of guys sitting around a table drinking outrageously expensive beer–and the entertainment borders on little more than a distraction.

As for $300–it’s probably easy to spend that much without realizing it. It’s been over 20 years since I’ve been in one, but…the door fee might be $20, then the beer probably costs $8 or $10 a bottle. Buy a round or two for your buddies, and pretty soon you’re getting into money.

That being said, there are the guys who are there because they really want to be there. Typically they’re alone, they sit by themselves, don’t socialize with anyone–exactly fit the stereotype of a strip-club-creepy-guy. Your husband does not seem at all like that guy.

 

[Demetra2]

As someone who in a previous life used to go to such places, I think you have every right to be upset. I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive him, but he is your husband and has made a commitment to you for the rest of his life. Sitting in a room with other women dancing around topless or worse isn’t living up to that commitment and I think you are right to call him out on that.

While we all fall short of doing the right thing in front of our friends, we have to recognize that sometimes being faithful to God requires us to say, “I’m going to head on back home now guys” and not succumbing to pressure. Before I came to the Church, I was at a bachelor party one time when my friend who was getting married refused to walk into a strip club despite all of us giving him a lot of grief about it. It took a lot of courage. I try to do the same now.

JMR

Good advice and good for you!

 

[Melancholic]

I informed him that my body hasn’t changed since him being gone, that I am definitely not stripper material. Why would he want to see me? He told me that he was glad that I didn’t have stripper qualities.
…] I don’t know what’s going on! AHHHH!!! :banghead: But I am extremely hurt by this. :dts:

I haven’t read all the replies, but I wanted to respond to this part of your post… When my husband and I were newlyweds, I discovered that he had a porn problem. It had been part of his life long before we met; he had been hiding it from me during our courtship and early marriage. I had the same strong reaction that you write above – not only the pain of his dishonesty, but a feeling of inadequacy. How could I ever measure up to those perfect bodies, and why would he want me when there was a more perfect woman available? How could he not be constantly aware of my physical flaws? It made me depressed and it got to the point where I was ashamed to be intimate with him for some time after the porn was removed from the computer/home and he was trying to turn over a new leaf. He tried to reassure me of his love, but it was to no avail.

Luckily I went to see a priest about it, and after laying out the whole story with all the hurt and tears… I was astonished that he was not soothing and sympathetic, but he frowned and lectured me! He showed me how I had been blind to my own self-pity and chronic low self-esteem which was the real reason for my depression. I didn’t trust my husband’s promises to change, I did not give him enough credit for the changes he had already made, and I was not showing him the love and support that would help him do better. The priest spoke about all the young men who repeatedly visited his confessional with a pornography addiction that had usually begun in early adolescence, and the anguish and despair of these men as they failed so many times to overcome it, as it had such a strong hold on them. The priest explained just how important it is that I realize my husband is human, fully forgive him when he asks forgiveness, unconditionally love him, pick him up if he fails again, and be his rock in life… because with such support, that gave him the best chance to actually beat this thing. And I needed to not dwell on the past! What a revelation, at that point I was the one damaging our marriage while my husband was trying to repair the harm he’d done.

We’ve been married over 10 years now and are very happy, and there is an undercurrent of trust and love that is always there. And I know that if my husband looks at porn again, or sees a stripper, or even has an affair… these are big problems to be sure, and they would hurt a lot… but the advice of that priest stays with me, and I believe we could navigate our way through and be back to a happy marriage again. Coming from me (who once had an attitude of “if he ever cheats I’m leaving”), that’s saying a lot.

 

[Marysann]

Please don’t be too hard on your husband if this is his first offense. We live in Rome within walking distance of one of those “clubs” such as the one your husband went to. They look glitzy but their main objective it to separate the customers from their money in as many ways as they can think of. A girl comes over to talk to a guy and asks for a drink. Well the drink may cost 20 euros, and that can add up. We always warn any of our young guests who might be tempted not to go there. I told my husband about your post. He said that your husband must not ordinarily go to such places because if he did, he would have not used his credit card to pay for it. He said that men who do these things on a regular basis know how to cover their tracks better.