Depressed over being single

[DuxBellorum]

One of the nicest people I know is fat and has a bad complexion. He’s great socially, he’s smart, and he’s great at organizing stuff and thinking about other people’s needs. He also has a wife and she is quite nice (and also plump).

I appreciate your response. Though you have raised points I have heard before and for the sake of conversation I would like to share my opinions on some of them.

Basically, they want you to be happy because they love you and they care about you. Ergo, you are lovable. That’s good!

Strictly speaking, this only means you are lovable in familial sense. I get your point though. However, you kind of concede that the gestures of telling a family member they are beautiful are empty in that they hold no commitment to how other humans behave toward you. My mother thinks I’m a swell guy but no one has been observed to share that opinion.

Or they don’t like girls or are asexual. They might also recognize some major incompatibility with regard to life goals, career, religion, attitude toward money, hoped for family size, geographical loyalties, family relationships, etc. One could be attracted, but recognize a major point of incompatibility and not pursue a relationship.

My first problem with this is that it seems to endow the average 20-something male as being hyper-rational with his views on a romantic partnership. I’ll concede the possibility though. Second, this doesn’t deal with my initial claim that the person in question does not have the qualities necessary to attract the desired men. Essentially, you added in other tradeoffs that people factor into their romance risk calculus but that’s true of any decision. I’ll concede this too. That’s fair enough.

Presumably, those couples are more compatible than the couples that don’t have a lot in common

Supposing what you say is true, then the Holy Spirit does nothing more than facilitate wholly naturalistic mechanisms of relationships. If we take that further though, then we are left with the Holy Spirit being a superfluous explanation of what we observe. Why should I postulate upward to God when I can cite academic literature that says that people choose spouses based off social status, income, shared values, and numerous other sociological and biological criteria? Why point to the Holy Spirit when I can point to Consumer Theory? Isn’t it curious that one can develop statistical models to predict if a man will suffer from, say, love shyness?

I don’t want to come off as some sort of envious cynic (Lord knows that’s unattractive). I am genuinely intrigued with the apparent contradiction of what we observe to be the decision theory employed by people in picking partners and what many in the Church say occurs.

For example, no doubt someone in this thread suggest that if I lose weight then I’ll have a better chance of finding someone. I do not doubt this to be true. After all, that would fit with my view of how people pick partner. If the Holy Spirit were truly the sole determinant of most people’s spouse choices (a supposition that I’m fairly certain is not compatible to what Scripture tell us), then why is there a problem with divorce, infidelity, etc? Presumably, we should be observing the optimal marriages, and I don’t think that’s true.

 

[Xantippe]

Strictly speaking, this only means you are lovable in familial sense. I get your point though. However, you kind of concede that the gestures of telling a family member they are beautiful are empty in that they hold no commitment to how other humans behave toward you. My mother thinks I’m a swell guy but no one has been observed to share that opinion.

**Lots of people would love to have a mom who is that positive and supportive.

That’s not at all something to be taken for granted. **

My first problem with this is that it seems to endow the average 20-something male as being hyper-rational with his views on a romantic partnership. I’ll concede the possibility though. Second, this doesn’t deal with my initial claim that the person in question does not have the qualities necessary to attract the desired men. Essentially, you added in other tradeoffs that people factor into their romance risk calculus but that’s true of any decision. I’ll concede this too. That’s fair enough.

**One could be attracted, but realize that a relationship would probably not work out well. For instance, our OP was very attracted to her troubled male friend, but she realized that it wasn’t a good idea. We had another thread recently where a woman who is very committed to service in her nursing career was weighing a relationship with a man with no friends outside his family who wants her to move to his area, stay home, and homeschool. That’s an example of a case where attraction might well be swamped by obvious points of incompatibility.

Being attracted to someone and wanting a relationship with them are different things. **

Supposing what you say is true, then the Holy Spirit does nothing more than facilitate wholly naturalistic mechanisms of relationships. If we take that further though, then we are left with the Holy Spirit being a superfluous explanation of what we observe. Why should I postulate upward to God when I can cite academic literature that says that people choose spouses based off social status, income, shared values, and numerous other sociological and biological criteria? Why point to the Holy Spirit when I can point to Consumer Theory? Isn’t it curious that one can develop statistical models to predict if a man will suffer from, say, love shyness?

**As they say, grace builds on nature. **

I don’t want to come off as some sort of envious cynic (Lord knows that’s unattractive). I am genuinely intrigued with the apparent contradiction of what we observe to be the decision theory employed by people in picking partners and what many in the Church say occurs.

**We should marry people that we are compatible with and that we can have happy, harmonious, holy, interesting lives with. That is going to inevitably involve a lot of practical issues, but at the same time, there is always room for grace in pursuing virtue and service within one’s family. Even with everything going for them, married people and parents always need just a little more grace.
**

For example, no doubt someone in this thread suggest that if I lose weight then I’ll have a better chance of finding someone. I do not doubt this to be true. After all, that would fit with my view of how people pick partner. If the Holy Spirit were truly the sole determinant of most people’s spouse choices (a supposition that I’m fairly certain is not compatible to what Scripture tell us), then why is there a problem with divorce, infidelity, etc? Presumably, we should be observing the optimal marriages, and I don’t think that’s true.

I would be hard-pressed to say which papal encyclical says that the Holy Spirits chooses each and every spouse.

As you note, that is not in scripture (although Rebekah seems to have been divinely ordained for Isaac).

 

[Sarcelle]

One of the nicest people I know is fat and has a bad complexion. He’s great socially, he’s smart, and he’s great at organizing stuff and thinking about other people’s needs. He also has a wife and she is quite nice (and also plump).

Bingo.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned very, very few women are being pursued by men all the time.

There seems to be a perception, especially among single men that women, especially single women have scads of male admirers all the time hanging around them like a tail follows a comet. Then when a single woman complains about being single these same men now accuse her of ignoring the ordinary, average guy in her admirer ‘entourage’. Nothing can be further from the truth. A lot of women do not have the trail of admirers that some men think. A significant portion are often ignored. Physical beauty may help but is no guarantee. I have known several women who are all that, beauty brains but no suitors. Men are intimidated I guess. I know some women who are average but for some reason have no problem capturing the attention of men.

P.S

After writing the above I noticed that I did not include the quote I was referring to in your post. This quote had to do with women being pursued all.the time.

 

[Xantippe]

Bingo.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned very, very few women are being pursued by men all the time.

There seems to be a perception, especially among single men that women, especially single women have scads of male admirers all the time hanging around them like a tail follows a comet.

**Yeah, that doesn’t even work out mathematically.

Roughly speaking, there is one young man for every young woman. It is impossible for there to be 5 guys following around every girl. If a young woman actually had a comet tail of 5 admirers, it would mean that 4 other young women had nobody at all. (Roughly speaking, ignoring the fact that a substantial number of people are serving overseas in the military, are in prison, prefer the same sex, plus a higher death rate for young men, etc.)**

Then when a single woman complains about being single these same men now accuse her of ignoring the ordinary, average guy in her admirer ‘entourage’. Nothing can be further from the truth. A lot of women do not have the trail of admirers that some men think. A significant portion are often ignored. Physical beauty may help but is no guarantee. I have known several women who are all that, beauty brains but no suitors. Men are intimidated I guess. I know some women who are average but for some reason have no problem capturing the attention of men.

P.S

After writing the above I noticed that I did not include the quote I was referring to in your post. This quote had to do with women being pursued all.the time.

Understood!

 

[GrandmaLaLa]

I am sorry you didn’t get what I said; didn’t diagnose you with a disease you do not have. I asked you to look at your family-- look for what is going on there. There is a reason you were rushing to help someone with so many problems. I hope one day you take the observation and use it.

 

[WumboX]

I am 21 and in the same boat! Well kind of. Not as depressed anymore, but I was.

All I can really say is that that guy was likely not for you based on him being into a bunch of not so great things and you seeming to be a strong Catholic. I say wait til a like minded Catholic man walks into your life. Or seek one out if you are that certain that this is what you want at this time of your life!
Just definitely not someone like the guy you described, morally at least (no offense to him I’m sure he’s aight).

I have had a bunch of misfortunes with women that I have attempted to get with in the past, but I carefully examined myself as to what I did to cause them.
I think you should do further pondering as to what may be holding you back from a relationship also. As obvious as this sounds, get to the root of the matter, solve it, and do your thing!

I feel similar in that I find myself decently attractive (as narcissistic as that may sound), and I think I’m pretty sharp. And I am single. But it just hasn’t happened for me yet. And as much as the problems I mentioned earlier may have had to do with my unsuccessfulness, the main hindrance was ultimately that no one was right for me, as much as I wanted them to be.
Let’s hope that it is the same for you and that there’s nothing wrong with you in particular .

If anything just kill it in school in the meantime, you’ll at least have that lolz. Good luck!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

The advice from some posters on the thread was in effect a call to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get yer rear end out the door. Does one no good to cry about lack of marriageable candidates in their lives if they’re living like shut-ins due to shyness, social awkwardness, deeply held Catholic/Christian beliefs, etc. It won’t matter how much you pray to the Lord to get you over the hump if you’re not giving Him the opportunity to put someone in your path.

There are a fair number of suggestions both Catholic or secular that would be appropriate to your ages and won’t go against your Catholic beliefs, just have to be open to them and willing to work on your shyness and social awkwardness issues. Having a common interest is an excellent conversation starter. If one venue isn’t working for you, don’t complain, try another one.