It seems that as I come out of a depressive spin I seem to feel happy to explore my faith a bit more (I’m probably a lapsed catholic as I attend my anglican wife’s services and am part of that church) but then it all seems to go wrong again. I feel like God is kicking me when I’m down. I don’t get Jesus and my faith has helped me get through some tough times but since I got ill a couple of years ago it’s pretty much gone. I prayed last night for the first time in ages and today I feel horrid. I cannot see how religion like this is worth it.
I don’t know your beliefs regarding the communion of saints, but I really sincerely recommend devotion to the Blessed Mother. I was right where you are not all that long ago - I was raised a Christian, but I couldn’t see the point when we just went to church on Sundays and then fell right back into our familiar sins and self-absorption during the week. I spent years bouncing from Eastern religions to New Age gnosticism, trying to find truth or happiness or peace, or any sense of meaning. I felt some attraction to the Catholic Church, but I didn’t know how my protestant parents would feel about it, and for a while I wasn’t even sure how I felt about it.
Two things helped me break the cycle. One, I worked up the courage to go to Mass, and
I kept going. Even when we had a priest who didn’t speak very good English, and I couldn’t understand half his homily. Even when I was out of town and had to track down a new parish. Even when my friends mocked me and my parents didn’t understand. You might not have been to Mass in a while, since you say you’re a lapsed Catholic. Trust me - the Sacraments help. They are there for a reason!
Two, I heard this great homily from a Dominican priest in San Francisco about the rosary. I went out and bought one the next day, along with a copy of St. Louis de Montfort’s
Secret of the Rosary (which I highly recommend). It’s such a beautiful devotion and such a powerful collection of prayers. Whenever I’m feeling down and out of sorts, I lock myself in my room, kneel down, and pray the rosary. Lately I’ve been trying to pray every single day. God appreciates devotion, especially devotion to the Son and His Blessed Mother.
Just try to work yourself back into the Church. Try to pray every day and go to Mass every Sunday. There are lots of ministries devoted to helping lapsed Catholics and newcomers alike. Perhaps most importantly, though, consecrate yourself to the Blessed Virgin - give yourself completely to God through her! Mary loves all of God’s children, and she will do everything in her (not inconsiderable) power to help you.
May the peace of Christ be with you on our journey back into the loving arms of God and His Church! You will be in my prayers, Spyral!
