Depression/Anxiety - Growing Closer to Christ?

[LiamNL]

I’ve been somewhat of a basketcase recently (maybe even further back).

My poor ability to deal with stress and change lead to a general feeling of anxiety that would last pretty much my entire day at work (sometimes longer).
On the 13th of Feb I received a stern verbal take down by my manager along the lines of (other people are able to accept and deal with the changes that happen, but you’re not able to. You need to stop the complaining). In a bit more harsh words than that… but what he said was very true.

However, after that meeting I felt gutted. If I had bad anxiety prior to that I was shellshocked after it. That night started my struggles with insomnia. 3-4 hours at most, sometimes less, rarely more. That then brought on a case of depression. The thing about the depression is that it taints everything. It makes it seem like that’s all there is… just the depression. Things I like didn’t resonate with me, I feel emotionally detached from loved ones. I feel like I’m just going through the paces and forcing (to the point of exhaustion) being loving and caring to them.

Last week a psychiatrist put me on lexapro for depression/anxiety as well as Clonopin for sleeping/anxiety.
The Clonopin does seem to be working… but I hate that I have to take that to fall asleep.
I hate that I have to take Lexapro to feel normal (not quite there yet, but it’s only been a week on it).

I pray and pray and pray… I’ve gone to Church more often than I ever have. I’ve been busting my hump to be more patient, caring, humble, compassionate.
Begging Jesus to lift this burden… to help me to feel normal. But I don’t feel anything back.
Maybe I’m wrong - maybe a day will come and I’ll see how much Our Lord was pulling me through it all. But right now it feels like a dead nerve.

Has anyone been here?
Has anyone felt this despair only to have it all make sense at one point?
To shed off the depression and truly grow?

Thank you

 

[lax16]

I’ve been somewhat of a basketcase recently (maybe even further back).

My poor ability to deal with stress and change lead to a general feeling of anxiety that would last pretty much my entire day at work (sometimes longer).
On the 13th of Feb I received a stern verbal take down by my manager along the lines of (other people are able to accept and deal with the changes that happen, but you’re not able to. You need to stop the complaining). In a bit more harsh words than that… but what he said was very true.

However, after that meeting I felt gutted. If I had bad anxiety prior to that I was shellshocked after it. That night started my struggles with insomnia. 3-4 hours at most, sometimes less, rarely more. That then brought on a case of depression. The thing about the depression is that it taints everything. It makes it seem like that’s all there is… just the depression. Things I like didn’t resonate with me, I feel emotionally detached from loved ones. I feel like I’m just going through the paces and forcing (to the point of exhaustion) being loving and caring to them.

Last week a psychiatrist put me on lexapro for depression/anxiety as well as Clonopin for sleeping/anxiety.
The Clonopin does seem to be working… but I hate that I have to take that to fall asleep.
I hate that I have to take Lexapro to feel normal (not quite there yet, but it’s only been a week on it).

I pray and pray and pray… I’ve gone to Church more often than I ever have. I’ve been busting my hump to be more patient, caring, humble, compassionate.
Begging Jesus to lift this burden… to help me to feel normal. But I don’t feel anything back.
Maybe I’m wrong - maybe a day will come and I’ll see how much Our Lord was pulling me through it all. But right now it feels like a dead nerve.

Has anyone been here?
Has anyone felt this despair only to have it all make sense at one point?
To shed off the depression and truly grow?

Thank you

Keep praying and continue to seek help from your doctor.

I have found that this book can be very helpful to people trying to make sense of things. thedepressioncurebook.com/

I will pray that you receive healing from your burden.

 

[Maria1993]

Ive been in a similar situation, I thought I had been abandoned, but boy was I wrong. It is true, because of an illness, and problems I had with my intrusive thoughts caused by scrupulosity and ocd, I grew closer to God and the Catholic faith. Though I suffered a lot, I now see how God really carried me through it and delievered me. I am, as weird as it sounds, ‘glad’ it happened. Because if it hadnt, I would have stayed in my selfish and ignorant ways, and remain lukewarm.

A lot of prayer, Divine mercy Chaplet, and trust in the Lord. Let him know how you feel and trust that you will be delivered. It is times like these when our faith matter the most. How glad is the Lord when someone suffering still trusts in him. I also got help from a Priest, and attended confessions. If you have not, you should.
Pray to st. Michael archangel, and ask our lady to keep you under her mantle, as well as the Jesus, I trust in you.

May God bless you.

 

[LiamNL]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I so hope this lifts. Every once and awhile I’ll have a break through… but then it collapses back in.

I just want to be physically and emotionally present for my wife and child.

 

[Blackshirtproud]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I so hope this lifts. Every once and awhile I’ll have a break through… but then it collapses back in.

I just want to be physically and emotionally present for my wife and child.

You and I are rowing the same boat. I just have not talked to a pro yet. I am afraid I will be medicated for the rest of my life .

 

[LiamNL]

You and I are rowing the same boat. I just have not talked to a pro yet. I am afraid I will be medicated for the rest of my life .

Blackshirtproud, just know that my wife and I will be including you in our prayers tonight.

I’m very sorry to hear you’re suffering too.

I’m worried about the same thing with medication. I’m on lexapro and clonopin.
I really hate having to take something to make me sleep. Never in my life have I struggled with insomnia.

I think my problems started because I don’t deal with stress well. That stress turned (about 7 months ago) into general anxiety. That anxiety turned into insomnia. and then that combo turned into depression.

The problem with the depression though is that it seems like it’s completely independent of everything. Like some black fog that just happened to settle on me, change who I was forever, and give me no hope for a future without it.
But I need to remember that it will get better.

God bless you!!!

 

[mike2112]

I completely understand of how you feel. I’ve walked the same shoes for most of my young life but it went into full blown out extreme depression, anxiety, and utter complete misery. All those that I thought loved me… had left me. I was asking God if it was His will… to take me away.

Then I realized that there is a Jesus that I had learned about. I learned in the past of how he healed many, but also taught us to carry our crosses and follow Him.

He will never give you too much where you yourself cannot bear. This is where you must rely on Jesus and his merciful heart. Have trust in Him even in the midst of the darkest storm.

This is from my other post which relates to you and others here that are suffering as well:

You must know that all your fellow Christians around the world are suffering as you are.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

God will restore you to a state far stronger than before:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

I have gotten through years of warfare with oppression without psychiatric drugs and “professionals”.
It will be beneifical to talk to a Spiritual director, Priest, Nun, and anyone that is familiar with the topic. These were the only people that could understand a bit of what I was going through… Only one person I know understood the depression, and mental and physical pain I was going through. She knew the warfare that I went through, and now I am healed of much of the attacks I had gone through. It is still a daily battle, but I am MUCH Stronger than when I was at square one. Carry your cross with Jesus and offer your suffering to Him. Also with your depression, pray for the people that have hurt you. Love them, as hard as it was for me. Going to the Chapel weekly, Confession, and Mass will help you alot!

The Rosary will help you immensely! Your Mother will always pray for you and cover you with her mantle and let you know that it is going to be okay.

St. Michael’s Prayer also helps:

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

When Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, he experienced so much mental and emotional anguish that he wept and sweat blood. (Hematidrosis)

He will make you strong through your weaknesses.

I am a living proof that Jesus never forgets “basketcases”
I absolutely had no one. No friends. No family.
I wasn’t talented, handsome, or skilled in many things.
I wasn’t the smartest.

Yet, I am in awe that God would take a guy like me - that isn’t attractive to the world at all - and carry me up on his shoulders and love me unconditionally.

He was the only One who saved my life.

 

[mike2112]

Unite yourself to the heart of Christ. Unite your sufferings to His sorrowful passion and forgive others despite the constant hurt they might have caused upon you.

And with this, ask Jesus to humble your heart and see the world through His eyes.

Ask Him to teach you how to love like He loves.

Praying for Liam, Blackshirt, and others that are carrying upon the cross of suffering.

Jesus will never forget you.

 

[LiamNL]

mike2112,
Thank you so much.
Pray Christ our Lord strengthens me like He did to you.

I have to admit: sometimes it feels very dark. Like no one is there listening to me when I pray. But I promise to forge through it. Hoping that a day comes when I can see how much Jesus was pulling me through all of this.
All of this that I essentially brought on myself.

I feel terrible that you didn’t have family to turn to.
I am blessed that I have a very understanding wife and other family members who have struggled through this as well.
I guess I’m just desperate to shed the anxiety/depression/insomnia as soon as possible.

One good thing that did come from this:
My wife and I pray together now.
I’ve gone to Church more regularly than I ever had before in the past (despite the fact that I feel numb there too at times…however, one Homily really hit home with me when the priest was talking about threshold/liminal moments in our lives where God helps us to grow).
I’ve said the Rosary twice (I had never said it in completion once before).

 

[ajecphotos]

I went through a terrible patch of depression and anxiety when I lost my mum and dad within a year and a week of each other! Worst time of my life. Was off work for approx 1 year in total.

Only thing that helped? Church.

I had been absent from it for over 20 years and losing my parents got me back into the church and it has helped tremendously.

I am still on meds, 9 years later but my faith is so strong. I also have been blessed with a gorgeous daughter in that time.

Please lord, help this person to feel your love. To feel your mercy, to be wanted by you and your blessed mother, Mary.

Oh Lord, help with the depression and anxiety so that this person can be positive in life and the future. I humbly give myself to thee oh Lord so that their suffering can be eased.

 

[LiamNL]

Thank you, ajecphotos.

When you started going to Church did you ever still have that hollow/empty feeling?
Like you were just going through the paces inspite of how you felt about it?

God bless.

 

[JudyH]

Hi,

So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Yep, I know exactly what you’re talking about. When you’re depressed, it’s like a dark blanket that covers you and hides all the light in your life. The things you said describe depression exactly.

Without writing a book here, I just want to say that I encourage you to go learn as much as you can about depression. There are so many causes, so many levels of it, and many ways of learning to cope/manage and even find healing. Chances are you won’t have to go on medication permanently, but sometimes people do need a leg up to get through a particularly bad episode. Lack of sleep certainly contributes to it.

From what I see of your situation, you haven’t fully processed the emotions you felt when your supervisor raked you over the coals. It was very harsh, and as you said, you felt “gutted.” It was devastating to you. It sounds like it provoked all kinds of feelings in you–probably fear, anger, maybe a bit of self-loathing, and more.

What I learned with my own depression is that if I try to ignore or “stuff” my feelings, they go underground and cause lots of trouble. I had an idea that it was not okay to feel certain things. I had to learn how to get in touch with my feelings, to FEEL them, and not let them go underground like that. It takes some practice. It takes realizing that our feelings are valid and authentic, and we don’t necessarily need to act on them, but they are trying to teach us something about ourselves and are worth paying attention to. God gave us feelings for a reason.

You have reason to be very angry with your supervisor, as well as worried about losing your job. But yes, you can find peace with the Lord. It’s all in His hands. And forgiveness is good, if you understand that you do have something to forgive.

Some people do handle stress better than others. Maybe some stress management techniques would help?

And yes, God will use this for good in your life. Trust Him, even when you can’t see what the end result will be. He’s there with you. And one day you will look back and see that He was there all along, holding your hand as you walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Jesus promises that He will never leave or forsake us.

Hang in there, it will get better. Saying a prayer for you.

Judy

 

[mike2112]

.

I have to admit: sometimes it feels very dark. Like no one is there listening to me when I pray. But I promise to forge through it. Hoping that a day comes when I can see how much Jesus was pulling me through all of this.

**- It is in these darkest hours where we will feel lost and in a miserable state.
Your promise to forge through this is the faith in Him, despite the most darkest hours - is what will make you stronger and affirmed in His trust afterwards. Just know that even if you feel like God isn’t listening, He is still with you.

I know this Psalm details what you are feeling inside.**

Psalm 6
O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

He is the Almighty God - He knows the very number of the hairs on your head.
Share your feelings and sufferings with Him and talk to Him because He is your Father and cares for you!

One good thing that did come from this:
My wife and I pray together now.
I’ve gone to Church more regularly than I ever had before in the past (despite the fact that I feel numb there too at times…however, one Homily really hit home with me when the priest was talking about threshold/liminal moments in our lives where God helps us to grow).
I’ve said the Rosary twice (I had never said it in completion once before).

Just a small reminder who is shaping you the way He wants you to be.
There will be far greater blessings than these as the days go on.
You are on the right track!

 

[LiamNL]

Thank you Judy and Mike.

There have been times in my life where I was just taken away by the beauty of something. Times when things were going good in my life. I could look at something amazing like a sunset and almost come to tears feeling in the presence of Christ our Lord.

But then hard times come around and I start doubting. A few set backs make me wonder if there’s even a loving Father. Thinking it’s just me and the silence.

What a hypocrite I have been: when things have been going good for me I’ve told others, “Love isn’t necessarily an emotion. Love is willing yourself to do what is Right and True independent of your feelings about it.”

But here I am. Exhausted from anxiety/insomnia/ and depression… and struggling with doubt over the existence of Christ.
I spoke a big game when I was feeling good and alittle trouble and I start to fold.

 

[Mcubed]

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life, and finally found something that worked for me. I began spiritual direction with a holy priest who had experience working with people with anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. I also attended several healing conferences and retreats throughout the past 10 years. I’m not sure where you live, so you may not find a retreat or conference close to you, but it could be worth the travel!! The retreats I have attended were put on by the Missionaries of the Sacred Heart and they were called “Healing Childhood Hurts” (if applicable to you) and “Life’s Healing Journey.” I have also done several silent, guided retreats where the spiritual director was aware of my issues and gave me “homework” to do during my quiet time. Lastly, I went to counseling with a catholic therapist for several years. After going to secular counselors for years, I really found what was lacking was the spiritual dimension.

Anxiety is still a struggle for me but it is not as paralyzing as it was, and now I have the tools to cope with it.

May God Bless You!!

 

[Christy_Beth]

I’ve had depression in my life since I was 7… I’m now 50. It’s a hard thing to shake, and sometimes I find myself falling back into it. There’s nothing wrong with taking medication for this stuff. If it helps, keep taking it. Oh, I’ve also been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Not fun. You might want to see if you can get ahold of a copy of the WRAP plan booklet. That would be Wellness Recovery Action Plan. It would be best, I think, if you can find a group going through it to get some guidance here. I’ve gone through it a few times, and it makes sense. I won’t try to put it all in here, but I will say it has helped me look at my life better.

The depression and anxiety are hard to deal with. But the other stuff is there as well. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a “major” episode of any of it. But I sometimes feel anxious for no real reason. I do have some medication to take if it starts getting bad. It really helps. Don’t be ashamed of this. And don’t let anyone put you on a guilt trip. Different things help different people. You just need to take the time to find out what works for you.

 

[Blackshirtproud]

Thanks to Liam and all others for words of encouragement and prayers.

 

[ajecphotos]

Thank you, ajecphotos.

When you started going to Church did you ever still have that hollow/empty feeling?
Like you were just going through the paces inspite of how you felt about it?

God bless.

Yes. This lasted for quite a long time indeed. Its only in the last 6 months that my love of Jesus etc has sky rocketed! Ever since i got my Morning and Evening Prayer book!

The medication helped though in those early days as i was still suffering. But, as stated, getting back into God made a massive difference.

This little prayer i made says it all for me as its about accepting any suffering for others. That is important. Pity i didnt realise that then. The Divine Mercy Chaplet (See sig) is a lovely prayer too;

**Dear Lord Jesus, my blessed saviour
I humbly sacrifice myself to you
I humbly give up my life for you
I humbly give my body to you
To do thy will so that those who suffer
From physical tortures and ailments
Are able to live their lives without pain of suffering.

Dear Lord Jesus, my blessed saviour
I am willing to take on those pains
So that they may be healed
From the terrible inflictions that they live with.

Dear Lord Jesus, my blessed saviour
I offer myself to you so that all sinners who have died today
And those in purgatory can be forgiven of all their sins
And rest in peace in your merciful love.**

Should i change "inflictions for afflictions?)

 

[LiamNL]

Again,
Thank you everyone for the support.

Yesterday afterwork I was home alone with my son (my wife gets home at about 7:30pm).
I was playing with him but my emotions just felt dead. I had to pull myself through the motions… which I know is the right thing to do.
But it was a terrible feeling. Being with my son (8 months old) and just feeling nothing. I said a very desperate (and doubtful) prayer to St. Joseph for his intercession and I have to admit… the feelings lifted a bit very shortly after saying it.
The skeptic in me wants to think “oh, that was just the medication taking a quick effect”.
But I need to be more thankful. Please Lord Christ forgive me for my doubt even when you do help me!!!

 

[LiamNL]

Blackshirtproud - please don’t feel obliged to answer this.
But would you care saying how your depression feels? What you feel like when you’re in the midst of a bad bout of it?