Depression, pain and hurt

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Tish2213

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I hope I’m placing this in the correct forum.

I am not catholic, but finding actual spiritual based message boards online seems to be quiet difficult, and I’m just at the point where I need some spiritual advice. Period.

I am 28. I graduated from university in 2006 with a BA in communications. From there I went on to get my alternative teaching certificate and taught from 2007-2011. I truly believe teaching to be my calling…and would like to get back to it.

The last two years have been the most difficult years of my life…I have battled with depression and severe anxiety. I cannot think of a single day where I have not stressed and cried and felt extreme hurt and pain.

I have on many occasions tried prayer…and I mean total submersion into prayer and truly giving myself to God. It seems as though I can never get a green light, an opened door…nothing.

Now I find myself completely alone and jobless. All my “friends” have abandoned me since the mental illness diagnosis. I spent 4 days in a psych hospital because I was fearful of hurting myself…

I’ve never felt so alone, and the pain and hurt that I experience daily is becoming very overwhelming. Yes, I have had meds, but after my last job contract was up I lost my insurance…and well you get the gist.

I never want to give up… though on occasions i have. But this journey has me feeling as though I’m moving further away from God and trusting in him…because now I’m just consumed with the hurt and pain…

I’m in desperate need of a healing…
 
Tish, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I just prayed for you. Never give up praying and always trust and hope in the Lord.

The economy was simply getting worse the past four years. Many are experiencing the pain of jobless. Is it possible for your parents, siblings or other relatives to help you out? Do you belong to any church? If so, could your church community give you any lead? Can you find any temporary work to do? The stress in life could be a very heavy cross. I really don’t know what to say other than keep you and people in the same boat in my prayers. God bless!
 
Lord, lay your healing hands on Tish and help her in the way she needs. Amen.
 
You’ve come to the right place, Tish. Readers here on CAF want you to be your best–spiritually, mentally, and physically–simply because you’re one of God’s children. You need not be Catholic to actively participate here. We’ll answer your questions and be a listening ear, so keep coming back.

The economy and your current isolation aren’t helping your physical concerns. Although we can’t change the economy for you, we can definitely help you to feel less isolated and alone in this trek called life.

Call the equivalent to the Board of Health in your county. Maybe your mayor’s office has a help line that can direct you to the right place for seeing that you get your medication. Please pursue that.

Persevere, Tish. No matter how bad things seem to be, persevere. That’s a pretty tall order when you feel alone, but now you have us to cheer you on, so over time, things WILL get better.

Ask Jesus to help you trust Him to show you what to do. Just persevere and keep asking. Ask Him to help you learn to love Him completely. That won’t happen overnight, so keep at it.
You’re obviously a strong person to have been able to survive all these adversities for this long. With our help, and getting back on your medication, things should start looking up.

Please keep posting so that you’re no longer alone. I, too, will keep you in my prayers.
 
I will also keep you in my prayers Tish.

Some areas have counseling connected to/supported by churches. You might check with your pastor or the pastor of any church in you area. They often operate on a sliding scale and can help you get access to medication if that is needed. I echo what others have said here, - keep coming back to this site. We can offer prayer support and at least this kind of contact. God bless and be with you.
 
Thank you all for your replies.

Admittedly I’ve been anxiously returning to the site to view any missed replies…was just hoping I wouldn’t have more disappointment, so again thank you.

I have tried disciplining myself to sit in my living room in the morning and at night before bed and just talk…say whatever is on my heart to God. No distractions, no internet…no phone nothing.

I hope to continue this…today I just let a lot of stuff out. How I was angry at God and how I just wanted a few doors to open. I prayed…and then got back in the bed, ready to face yet another day of crying and pain.

And actually I was able to get up, go wash clothes, take out some trash that had been stacking up and sweep my front porch…small things but I wasn’t in bed…crying, as I expected.

I’m still hurting and it takes much effort to gear my mind to things that don’t make me cry. I did have some disappointment later in the day…triggered by other things and expected a melt down…but I’m somewhat numb today and just really didn’t feel like crying.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds and i know that i have to take each day one by one.

Thank ya’ll so much, and I hope that i can continue to persevere as one poster has said.

Please continue to pray for me and thank you for your prayers…
 
Dear Tish,
it is wonderful that you are reaching out, it does feel good to reach out when you feel alone, doesn’t it…:hug1:
And prayer… oh, do not give up praying, God actually already IS helping you. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like it to get better… but that does not mean that it will not get better. Deopression is such a terrible illness, it actually goes about killing hope itself, making life seem dark and hopeless… but it only feels that way than! I remember times when I felt so down it was hard to imagine that I would ever feel light and free and ALIIIIIVE again… but oh, had I known what wonderful moments were to come again in later yreas! And when you read in the Bible, for example the psalms, you will also come across prayers in the sense of “how long still, oh Lord? Aren’t You hearing me?” … maybe to a degree, suffering is just aprt of life… but so is also joy, and how would we even know what joy is if we didn’t also know the darker times?
I can see that you have not lost these two important things: Faith and hope.
That is already maybe the most important part. Do not give them up and also do not let outer circumstances make you feel that your life is unhappy. Not having a job for example per se does not mean that your life is worthless or unhappy or whatever. Not having friends… God is your very best friend, and those who leave when times get rough maybe weren’t real friends after all?
Sorry if I am writing uncoherently… here is a lot I’d like to say but it is also very much a feeling thing.
The most important thing anyway is LOVE, and God’s love for us is so great that we can never be lost if we not freely choose to be lost. God will never let us fall.

Hold on to all the positive hopeful love-filled thoughts you have, to all the little sparkles of light that He sends your way… and do not lose heart.You are on the right way by reaching out and praying. Who knows where you will be say a year or even a month from now. Maybe you will be so very happy. Only God knows when the time has come for the big turnaround. Until then do not lose hope, hope gets you through the dark times. Hope and faith and the comfort you find by reaching out, prayers and sometime smaybe even only the wamrth of a smile or the warmth inside when it’s cold out or the beauty of a sunset… LIFE IS GOOD.

Kathrin
 
Hi Trish

I actually have some experience with depression myself. Not as bad, but still my advice would be that you have to make yourself do things. Anythings as long as it involves engaging either your mind, your voice or your body. Prayer is good, but staying at home a lot can just make depression worse. Getting involved in a church, any church, is both a good way to have a reason to get out of the house and a good way to engage in more structured prayer. It will also give you a chance to mix with people in a safe environment. Going to daily services if you can would do you a lot of help spiritually (you may not think there are churches near you that do this, but you’d be surprised). If you don’t feel up to that, just do something to distract yourself. Go see a movie when you feel down. Go for a walk. Go shopping. Just do anything to engage your mind and distract yourself. Some sort of part time academic course may be good - again you’d be surprised what’s available.

May God go with you.

Peter
 
Joining a Scripture study, young adult, or small faith sharing group can offer a sense of connectedness that you may not be experiencing now. Perhaps you can check the bulletins of parishes in your area or your diocese web site to see what might be available.

Also, I’d highly recommend including a request to find friends to your list of petitions, in front of the Blessed Sacrament if possible, maybe even as part of a novena if you have a favorite saint–St. Augustine was known for his friendliness. 🙂 I petitioned for friends after moving to a new town many years ago, and the results were wonderful.

Finally, when meeting new people, I’m wondering if it might be prudent to wait to mention your hospitalization, etc., until after you get to know others fairly well, and then only to people who you think would be respectful and supportive. Of course good friends share life’s ups and downs with each other, but when first getting to know others, it may be best to slowly reveal ourselves.
 
I never mention my hospitalization to potential new friends…i know better.

However I did mention it here…only because this is somewhat anonymous as we won’t know one another other than what’s on this board.

but I do thank everyone for their replies.

i have tried making friends and have a few people that i do text. i currently don’t have access to a car [when it rains it pours] and that is one of the reasons my plans fell through tonight…which upset me but like i said the numbness didn’t allow it to move further into getting really down…

I will take what everyone has said into consideration and try them. Transportation is somewhat of a hindrance…I have limited access to the bus. As I live in a city [large city] but the buses down here…BLAH

But i’m also praying for that change…again thank you for your kind words and prayers
 
I understand what you are going through. Sadly a lot of people prefer shunning someone with depression instead of investing time in listening to them. Each one of us as a story to tell and if we are not able to sit down and share in other people’s suffering we are simply pretending to be friends. I know quite a few people that suffer for different reasons and they choose not to share their feelings with others anymore because of the rejection that they felt over time. I think that is absurd that people claim to be social when the refuse the have basic compassion, just because listening to certain conversations makes them uncomfortable. I know that internet is not the best way for us to hear the details of what you are going through but I can promise you that a lot of us really understand and know your pain and we will pray for you.
 
Cristiano said:
I understand what you are going through. Sadly a lot of people prefer shunning someone with depression instead of investing time in listening to them. Each one of us as a story to tell and if we are not able to sit down and share in other people’s suffering we are simply pretending to be friends. I know quite a few people that suffer for different reasons and they choose not to share their feelings with others anymore because of the rejection that they felt over time. I think that is absurd that people claim to be social when the refuse the have basic compassion, just because listening to certain conversations makes them uncomfortable. I know that internet is not the best way for us to hear the details of what you are going through but I can promise you that a lot of us really understand and know your pain and we will pray for you.
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…a source of my depression and a former friend that said she would stay away because i make her sad. she was the one person i never expected to abandon me and instead of facing her contribution to where I am now she’d rather leave me…to fend for myself instead of having her life “sad” or dealing with something that would ultimately help heal her as well…it’s quite difficult to process and stomach.
 
Tish,
one of the prayers use to bring them peace is the rosary. Others besides catholics use it as well. It is easy to use and it concentrates prayer around the life of Jesus. Here are some cites to help you with it if you are interested.

Scriptural rosary
ainglkiss.com/ros/sr.htm

How to say and pray the rosary
familyrosary.org/en/TheRosary.aspx

Thoughts for each decade of the rosary
rosary-center.org/howto.htm

Scriptual thoughts
how-to-pray-the-rosary-everyday.com/military-victories-through-the-rosary.html

Hope you feel better and I will pray for you.
 
I recently heard a Priest say that a lot of the times people become depressed it’s because of resentment or anger brewing inside. I cannot say if that is true in your case. If you can p(name removed by moderator)oint the issues that are causing your sadness, you may have a beginning to face the challenges and work to resolve them, to the best of your ability. No one wants to live depressed. We are all worthy of happiness. God wants us to be happy. Find someone, maybe a Priest, for direction. If this is not his expertise, he can refer you to a Spiritual Director or Counselor. Specifically pray to God and ask Him for what you want. If you want to be free of depression, ask God to place someone in your life who can help you cope. And be open to change. Put forth the effort to fight your depression. You have more power than you think. Take positive steps to build your self-esteem. …Looking at this as if your best friend were going through this, how would you encourage him/her to feel better?.. Usually a good Confession and receiving of the Holy Eucharist is suggested, then faithful attendance to Sunday Mass, daily if possible. The posters have given you valuable advice and are keeping you in prayer. I am praying that you will soon have a peaceful quality of life. God bless you.
 
Dear Tish,

I am very sorry to hear how much you’re hurting. Mental illness is a real sickness: if left alone, it can be very spiritually damaging also. I can certainly empathise with you on that and on the jobs front. There’s great dignity attached to working for a better society; and, when, you’re unemployed, it’s crucial to remember that you still count as a human being, created and loved by God.

Have you ever considered praying the Rosary? [EDIT: Ah, I see Fred’s beaten me to its mention!] It’s unfortunately sometimes portrayed as a superstitious practice, rather than a form of devotion, and it is not meant to be ‘rattled off’ unthinkingly. It’s a Marian devotion which need not be off-putting in the least: as His Mother and the Mother of us all, as well as the greatest of saints, the Blessed Virgin Mary leads us closer to God. The Rosary is loaded with graces from God. I recommend checking out the podcasts at RosaryArmy.com which include the Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful and Glorious Mysteries: events in the Lives of Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother. I find it helpful to join with the man and woman praying the rosary on the podcasts - it helps me to keep going and to concentrate better.

I’m praying for you. May God bless you and yours. :hug1: :gopray:
 
My dear brother/sister Tish,

I want to thank you for opening your heart up to us on this forum. You are now in my prayers and I truly hope that you find the consolation and joy in life that you seek.

I think some practice with meditative prayer methods such as the Jesus Prayer, or a prayer word, or concentration on the breath or heart-beat, might be beneficial in promoting a more positive and rejuvenated mental state within you. I see a lot of grief and mental “chatter” going on in your thinking right now - a very negative pattern of thought which circumstance has got you into and now you are kind of trapped by the images and story playing out in your head. You need to work on recognising that your depression and anxiety are not “real”; they are fleeting mental states. You have to disentangle yourself from these afflictive thoughts and emotions without denying them, without repressing them and most important of all without acting them out.

You have to see this depression and anxiety for what it really is: a mass of thoughts and feelings along with an unpleasant tension in the body. That’s all your anxiety and depression is. Its not you. You are not depressed or anxious. You have to change from being a victim of these afflictive emotions to being a simple witness of them. Your afflictive thoughts and emotions are not real in the way you might think; they have no firmness or shape.

What is giving power to to your anxiety and depression is not the anxiety or depression itself - its simply thoughts, feelings and an unpleasant tension - but rather the story going in in your head about the anxiety/depression.

What you need is to develop what the Fathers of the Catholic Church call “watchfulness”. If you hone this ability through practice in prayer and opening yourself up to the grace of God, then you will in time stil be aware of your depressive fears and anxieties but what is aware of these afflictive emotions will be free from them, that is you yourself in your interior being which is the Image of God, a Temple of the Holy Spiriit.

Your complete identification with the ‘story’ going on in your head - that negative pattern of thinking - is distorting your own self-knowledge and has increased the obsessive thinking that has made you a prisoner and slave to your afflictive emotions.

This distorted self-knowledge is a result of your own anxious, internal commentary on the depressive thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.

You must once again take the driving-seat of your own life, your own mind, rather than live in captivity to these afflictive emotions, You must tell them who is boss,

As Saint Teresa of Avila once pointedly said:
“…These fears arise from not knowing ourselves. Fear distorts knowledge of self. What we really should be afraid of is obsessing over ourselves and never getting free of ourselves…”
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***- Saint Teresa of Avila (1515-1582), Spanish Carmelite mystic & Doctor of the Church ***
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You must become watchful. You must start to keep a track of these afflictive thoughts and emotions, as Abba Evagrius explained many, many centuries ago:
“…If there is any monk who wishes to take the measure of some of the more fierce passions so as to gain experience in his monastic art, then let him keep careful watch over his thoughts. Let him observe their intensity, their periods of decline and follow them as they rise and fall. Let him note well the complexity of his thoughts, their periodicity, the demons which cause them, with the order of their succession and the nature of their associations. Then let him ask from Christ the explanations of these data he has observed…”
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***— Abba Evagrius Ponticus(345-399 AD), Catholic mystic & monk, The Praktikos & Chapters on Prayer ***
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I encourage you to name your depression and anxiety. Seriously, give your depression/anxiety a name such as “Bob”. Become aware of “Bob” - whenever he arises in your mind, when he does, how long he stays there etc. Keep a diary in which you track Bob’s coming and going.

Why? Eventually this simple practice of watchfulness will help disentangle you from your afflictive emotions. You will become a simple witness of them rather than a victim.

Dom Cyprian Smith explained the outcome of such practice well.

(continued…)
 
Dom Cyrprian Smith of the Benedictine Order, commenting on the thought of Meister Eckhart (a famous Catholic mystic who first used the term “Ground”), when he wrote:
“…I am not who I think I am, and ‘You’ are not who you think ‘You’ are. What we call ‘I’ and ‘You’ is indeed a projection, and if we go far enough in withdrawing the projections and in piercing the veils, we shall reach a point at which there is no longer any ‘I’ or ‘You’. We shall reach a point at which we realize that our true self has nothing to do with ‘function’…a lawyer, a chimney-sweep, a doctor, a dustman, a priest…These are only functions, things we do; they are not us…These roles and functions are real projections…they give us a sense of security, a sense of identity and belonging. They prevent us from glimpsing the awful void and emptiness within ourselves: they make us feel solid, needed, valued and permanent…But it is not only our external, social personalities that are a tissue of projections and illusions. The same is true of much of our inner, private world, which we may well be tempted to regard as our ‘self’…We are not our social functions or roles; but neither are we our private thoughts or emotions…If we watch our emotions and thoughts long enough, we may eventually become aware of something which is not not these emotions or thoughts…There is something within me which is at all times perfectly detached, tranquil and serene. It is never excited about anything, never downcast or depressed by anything. It is like a deep, perhaps, bottomless lake; my various thoughts and emotions are like ripples or waves upon the surface. But below the surface, in the depths, there are no ripples; everything is still…We are a different ‘self’ depending on the moods or activities of the moment…There is nothing to give any unity or continiuity to my identity…I am not one self but a sequence of different or even conflicting selves…We are not real, unified ‘selves’, we are not capable of true action, until we learn to enter the Ground…It transcends place and time. Anyone who enters the Ground no longer cares about the past or the future: he is aware only of the present moment, and the present moment is shot through with Divine Light, because it is in the present, and in the present alone, that the world of time touches the world of eternity. Standing within this impregnable citadel, we are troubled neither by the thought of our past experiences nor of possible troubles and preoccupations still to come…”
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- Cyrprian Smith OSB, Catholic theologian and mystic
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The transcedent, immeasurable Ground beyond time and place is a staple element of Catholic mysticism. It is, essentially, the Image of God within us - infinite, inexpressible and divine just as God is, although not identical with him in Essence (we aren’t pantheists).

Believe it or not this is you - the real YOU, not the false self of your fleeting thoughts and emotions which you must learn to disentangle yourself from.

In time, you will discover that this deepest part of you is never depressed, never fearful, never sad - he just exists in perpetual, inner calm and stillness; quietlt observing all these fleeting mental states as they come and go, utterly unaffected by them.

This is the person you are meant to be.

I suggest 3 steps:
  1. Turn around and meet your afflictive emotion with stillness
  2. Allow the anxiety to be present
  3. Let go of the story or commentary on the afflictive emotion
Then you will get out of the mental habit of watching and listening to that mental chatter going on in your head.

You must keep returning to your practice whenever the afflictive emotion snatches your attention away. For this you need to focus on something else: the Jesus Prayer, your own breath, your heart-beat.

This idea is encapsulated in the following Bible quote:
“…In returning and rest shall you be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength…”
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***- Isaiah 30:15 ***
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Here is an exercise on how to pray the “Jesus Prayer” from the “Way of the Pilgrim”, a 19th century Russian mystical text. Its not word-for-word from the text but rather a truncated summary (I’ll quote the actual one tommorrow). In this scene the pilgrim teaches a blind man how to pray:
The blind man asked how one is to descend into the heart. The pilgrim said to imagine his heart. Imagine seeing it. Listen to it.
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Once you are accustomed to this, then say the Jesus Prayer:
On one heartbeat, say the word “Lord.”
On the next heartbeat, say the word “Jesus.”
On the next heartbeat, say: “Christ.”
On the next heartbeat, say: “have mercy.”
On the next heartbeat, say: “on me.”
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The next step in continuous prayer is to direct the flow of the Jesus Prayer in the heart in harmony with your breathing:
While inhaling, say, “Lord Jesus Christ.”
While exhaling, say, “have mercy on me.”
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“Practice this often. Soon there will arise a pleasant pain in the heart. It is a sort of warmth, and a sort of burning. If you do this, with God’s help you will attain to the delightful self-activating interior prayer of the heart. However, as you do all this, guard against mental imaginings.”
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The blind man listened attentively to everything and then earnestly began to practise the specified method of prayer. He would spend an exceptionally long time on it at night. After five days of praying in these ways, the blind man experienced this intense warmth and joy in his heart, an indescribably pleasant sensation in his heart. From time to time he would begin to see light, though he discerned no visible things or objects in it. At other times it felt as though a candle was burning in his heart. Sometimes it felt that this inner light was illuminating his whole being.
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Dear Tish,

I am sending you a private message, please look for it.
 
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