Desire to badmouth

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gambino

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I found out that my wife (that I’m divorcing) had been active online searching for lesbian relationships and unfortunately even worse (like paid opportunities) even before we seperated. I knew this for a little while but I didn’t want others to know in the hopes that we could reconcile and I could forgive her. Now that it seems that only a miracle could turn around our relationship, I am struggling with trying to not talk bad about her. How do I avoid this? She has hurt me so much. I feel the need to tell all of our common friends and my friends what has really happened. This wasn’t just a case of two people growing apart. Less than 6 months ago, I thought we were in a holy marriage. Now that part of her has died. In her place is a bitter, lying person who despises me. She has also made no attempt to reconcile.
Yet I am also having a hard time letting go. I just really feel that she is so sick. I can’t understand why her family doesn’t see what she is doing to herself but I think she is also pretty good at hiding these dark secrets. No normal person acts in such a way, right? Even people that cheat don’t become this wild in my opinion. I just ask for prayers for her and my marriage. The pain is very great.
 
gambino said:
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Yet I am also having a hard time letting go.
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I just ask for prayers for her and my marriage. The pain is very great.
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Dear gambino:
Let go and Let God.
You very well could have had a Catholic view of marriage the whole time you’ve been married.

The deal is, it takes TWO to be married. BOTH spouses have to freely choose to be married to the other. BOTH spouses have to forsake all others. BOTH have to be open to life, and BOTH have to be committed until death do you part.

You might have done all four.
I will pray. All things are possible with God.
I will also suggest that you Let go, and Let God deal with your wife. She is making choices of her own free will. That says a lot about her view of Catholic marriage.

:gopray:
 
I would not badmouth her. It will only make you look bad. My ex is the one who did all of the depraved things and was abusive. I did not go around telling the details either before or after the separation. I did eventually confide in my parents and my sisters. I did vent here online. The best things I did though were to confide in my priest and in a good counselor. I am feeling the healing and am not angry.

My ex on the otherhand, feeling full of shame that I left him and shame that I got a restraining order against him, has told the most horrid, vile, and filthy lies about me to everyone he can think of. People have contacted me to let me know the kinds of things that he has said. They can see through it. They know what kind of a person I am and what kind of a person he is. It is better not to stoop to their level. You can continue to hold your head up when you do that.

I don’t know if you have any children, but if you do definitely do not speak ill of their mother to them. It is harmful to children, they need the security of knowing that their parents love them and are good people. My ex told his lies to our children. My older ones no longer will see him, and my younger ones are slowly getting to that point too. They want to heal and grow, and not be held down by someone who is bitter and angry.

Praying that you find the peace to grow beyond this and experience the better life that will be waiting for you.
 
Give whatever information you have to your attorney.

This should resolve much of your desire to try to win her back.

Find a good Catholic counselor or go to www.exceptionalmarriages.com , and get yourself some counseling. Tell your counselor how you feel about her, and express yourself within the confines of therapy. This should take care of some (not all) of the feelings about bad-mouthing her. You have been through a very rough patch, and have more on the way. The counselor will have other ideas for you to relieve the “itch” to bad mouth.
 
I understand your pain. My ex husband did something similarly bizarre and hurtful in our marriage, only for a much longer time. I discovered that helping him keep his deep and dirty secrets did not make him desire to change or repent, but rather to increase his wayward activities.

In a way, I was helping him continue on his destructive path by remaining silent. It was akin to consenting to his behavior (and that is how the courts would see it, actually). By the time I discovered his secret activities, he had been doing them for five years, and could no longer discern what was right or wrong. He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong to this day, which has made reconciliation impossible.

I had to tell a few close friends and family what was going on because I needed the emotional support after keeping silent for a year. It was a terribly lonely year, because there was no one I could confide in. I didn’t even talk to my parish priest because I thought there was still hope for our marriage if I didn’t tell anyone.

When I finally revealed what was going on, I didn’t see it as badmouthing, but revealing the ugly truth. It gave me the strength to deal with the catastrophic failure of our marriage, and move on with my life. Even 18 months after we have separated, I still feel a great deal of pain, but not as much as I used to. A lot of praying and relying on God helps.
 
I feel awful for what you must be going through. Remember, however, revealing the secret sins of another is itself a sin. You must keep these things to yourself and offer up the suffering that results. Such pain will, I am sure, bring you many treasures in heaven.
 
I’m sorry that this is happening. I agree with others here; don’t badmouth her.

That being said, some people need to talk about things in order to heal, and I believe that there is a difference between badmouthing and confiding in someone. If you are compelled to talk, find someone that you can trust.

When my husband left, I was blessed to have friends who listened to me and who kept confidence. I hope that you can find a friend like that, or a good counselor. This is probably the most painful thing that has ever happened to you.

The truth about your wife will come to light one way or another, without your revealing anything. Her group of friends will change, and I suppose that her general behavior will give away her “secret”. In the end, you will feel better having known that you took no part in badmouthing her.
 
nobeerinheaven said:
I feel awful for what you must be going through. Remember, however, revealing the secret sins of another is itself a sin. You must keep these things to yourself and offer up the suffering that results. Such pain will, I am sure, bring you many treasures in heaven.
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I don’t agree. Secret sins like adultery thrive in secrecy. There is no desire for change if the adulterer is allowed to continue on his or her merry way. Sometimes the truth needs to be revealed, especially if the marriage is to survive. Secrecy does not allow that to happen, but instead makes the faithful spouse an accomplice to the sin. If my ex’s secrets had been revealed early enough, there would have been hope for us. But by the time I found out, my ex thought there was nothing wrong with his actions because he had been deceitful for so long that it became normal to him. Keeping secret resolves nothing.
 
Ailina said:
I don’t agree. Secret sins like adultery thrive in secrecy. There is no desire for change if the adulterer is allowed to continue on his or her merry way. Sometimes the truth needs to be revealed, especially if the marriage is to survive. Secrecy does not allow that to happen, but instead makes the faithful spouse an accomplice to the sin. If my ex’s secrets had been revealed early enough, there would have been hope for us. But by the time I found out, my ex thought there was nothing wrong with his actions because he had been deceitful for so long that it became normal to him. Keeping secret resolves nothing.
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You are not disagreeing with me, but disagreeing with the Church.

The Catholic Encyclopedia explains:
Detraction is the unjust damaging of another’s good name by the revelation of some fault or crime of which that other is really guilty or at any rate is seriously believed to be guilty by the defamer.
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An important difference between detraction and calumny is at once apparent. The calumniator says what he knows to be false, whilst the detractor narrates what he at least honestly thinks is true. Detraction in a general sense is a mortal sin, as being a violation of the virtue not only of charity but also of justice.
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I would not go spreading gossip about her, but as soon as the divorce is final I would start the annulment process. They will ask for a lot of things to be written down for the investigation, so maybe that will allow some steam to blow off.

I would also suggest some Catholic counseling so that the OP can deal with any residual issues, discuss the situation in a confidential setting and move on hopefully to find a decent, loving and faithful spouse in the future.
 
Detraction is the **unjust **damaging of another’s good name,

What is unjust about revealing the other spouse’s adultery? Better to get it out in the open, so that something can be done either way. Some sins thrive on secrecy, such as sexual abuse or adultery. It allows the condition to continue to fester.

I’m not talking about blabbing to everyone who will listen,btw. Most of the people I know do not know why my marriage ended, but those closest to me do. Something this devastating requires more than a weekly talk with a counsellor, but support from those that are closest. My ex has his secret friends (who helped him betray our marriage) for support. He did not support me in this anguish, since he was the cause. I had no one.
 
Ailina, just thinking this through a little bit more. I do agree that some things like adultery or abuse thrive on secrecy. I think that what you need to ask yourself those is by telling X about this, what is the purpose being served? Will telling the secret cause the problem to cease? Will telling help someone in some way? Will it prevent someone else from having something similar happen to them? I think if there is not a good reason to reveal the secret, then it really should be kept.
 
Ailina said:
Detraction is the **unjust **damaging of another’s good name,

What is unjust about revealing the other spouse’s adultery? .
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Detraction IS unjust.
Any damaging of another’s good name is unjust.

There is no “just” damaging of another person’s good name.
Unjust is the adjective that modifies the noun here.

Did you totally miss the gospel of Jesus with the Samaritan Woman at the well? Did he turn around and tell others of what HE KNEW she had done? Nope, he kept it private, and her life was changed forevermore.
 
Graceandglory, what a beautiful post. My regret is that I’ve already told many of our common friends. I just struggle with trying to say I am no longer with my wife without an explaination. I hate the preception of being divorced. It is embarrassing because I never gave up (and a part of me still hasn’t). I know I made mistakes in the relationship (struggled with not putting my wife first, saying hurtful things to her, putting her down, lust similar to many other guys, drinking to much at times. I have also been very honest to people of my shortcomings. It has been liberating to no longer feel ashamed by hiding my weaknesses) but I am still faithful to my commitment to marriage to this day. I have attended multiple counseling sessions, stopped drinking completely and have altered my job hours so that I am less stressed while still doing about the same amount of work. God and I have grown much closer as my life is much more focused on Him. I just wish that she could see me now, I would be a better version of the guy she fell in love with just a few years ago. I want to forgive my wife so much but I also know she hasn’t wanted forgiveness because she hasn’t even admitted what she was doing was wrong through her attorney. Plus it would only be through God that she would have the strength to restore the marriage on her end.

So the question is, how do I let people know that I am no longer with her while not looking like a quitter or not dedicated enough? I appreciate the support and advice.
 
Those who know you well need no explanation. They love you, and know what’s what here. For those who do not like you, no explanation is going to be good enough. For everybody else, it’s none of their business. A simple, “Yes, I’m getting divorced” is fine. If they pry, smile sadly and say, “Oh please. I really don’t want to discuss it right now.” You really don’t, and again, it is none of their business.
 
gambino said:
** I hate the perception of being divorced. It is embarrassing**
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join the club
So the question is, how do I let people know that I am no longer with her while not looking like a quitter or not dedicated enough? I appreciate the support and advice.
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You don’t. You don’t say a thing. The betrayal of divorce is the most painful thing I have EVER gone through. I still feel the pain when I encounter some of those “people.” Your desire to tell your story and get it out there, so “people” know is normal. But it won’t change anything.

“People” will choose to believe what they want to believe. No amount of explaining will ever change their minds.

How do you feel about people who are divorced? How have you treated divorced people in the past? Could that be affecting how you think others will think about YOU now that you might be “just like them?”

I know that in the past I was extremely judgmental of people who were divorced. They obviously didn’t plan on keeping their vows, I thought. The truth is, it takes two. Two people choose to be married to each other.

A holy person is not going to paint you in the worst light possible. Critical and judgemental people will. Spend time with the holy ones among you. They will love you.

Beginning Experience is a Catholic lay ministry that can help you “tell your story.” They will listen. You might want to give them a call.
www.beginningexperience.org
 
graceandglory said:
Detraction IS unjust.
Any damaging of another’s good name is unjust.

There is no “just” damaging of another person’s good name.
Unjust is the adjective that modifies the noun here.

Did you totally miss the gospel of Jesus with the Samaritan Woman at the well? Did he turn around and tell others of what HE KNEW she had done? Nope, he kept it private, and her life was changed forevermore.
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Actually, that’s an interesting analogy. What if that Samaritan woman ran into town, claiming that Jesus tried to assault her instead? You see, my ex did that to my character, by lying to our courts here, claiming that I had threatened to post all over the Internet the pornographic photos of him that I found on the home computer (which I copied and gave to my divorce lawyer as evidence of adultery). I threatened no such thing, yet he was able to dirty my good name in the courts. As well, he got a restraining order against me, again by lying to the courts. This is the man who threatened to burn our house down while we had children sleeping upstairs, and who told me his “friends” were going to come out and harm me. I went to the police the next day and filed a report because I feared for my life, and wanted someone to know what had transpired, just in case.

So you see, I may have needed the support of some close friends and family to help me get away from this abusive and evil man. A man who would do such things to his wife, on top of the adultery (not just a simple straight forward affair, but much worse and depraved), does not have a claim to a good name. His family and friends have no idea, because he has hidden that side of himself so well.
 
I disagree that you should carry this secret.

What you should NOT do is use it to feel emotional satisfaction or relief. Nor should you use it to “get back” at her or to feel victorious after all she has done to you.

Personal acquaintances most likely have no reason to find out about her prior sexual deviance and exposure to disease.

Your attorney, spiritual advisor, counselor and anyone who is assisting you (such as a case worker, teachers of your kids, babysitters, etc) should all be contacted and understand the situation clearly.

You should have all available information documented and saved, at least two copies of it. One copy should be in your attorney’s hands and one copy should be in a safe box, sealed with your name on it.

You also need to receive STD testing as soon as possible, and any dependents living with you and your ex should be tested, too.
 
Ailina said:
A man who would do such things to his wife,
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does not have a claim to a good name. His family and friends have no idea, because he has hidden that side of himself so well.
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Revenge is Mine, saith the Lord. Deuteronomy 32:35
Turn the other cheek***.Matthew 5:39

It’s not about your husband anymore. Now it’s about you and God. ***
Choose ye this day whom you will serve. … As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15
Ailina, I’m so sorry for your pain and betrayal. I have been through similar. I was married to a pastor’s son who was “perfect” and “could do no wrong.”

I don’t want my anger and bitterness to keep me in Purgatory or prevent me from going to Heaven. God is love. Where there is love, there is God. In heaven, there will be no sadness, heartache, bitterness, anger, or hatred. I wish to rid myself of it here on earth, so I can get to Heaven faster.
 
graceandglory said:
Revenge is Mine, saith the Lord. Deuteronomy 32:35
Turn the other cheek***.Matthew 5:39

It’s not about your husband anymore. Now it’s about you and God. ***
Choose ye this day whom you will serve. … As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15
Ailina, I’m so sorry for your pain and betrayal. I have been through similar. I was married to a pastor’s son who was “perfect” and “could do no wrong.”

I don’t want my anger and bitterness to keep me in Purgatory or prevent me from going to Heaven. God is love. Where there is love, there is God. In heaven, there will be no sadness, heartache, bitterness, anger, or hatred. I wish to rid myself of it here on earth, so I can get to Heaven faster.
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