Despair over Meeting a Spouse

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MidnightSun12

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I need help. I am almost 25, single, and I have a strong personal desire to get married and start a family one day (so much so that I’m fearful of any other vocation simply because I won’t have the opportunity to have a spouse or children). The problem is that God is yet to reveal my vocation to me and I’m very afraid that He might have plans for me to be a priest or a single man (the fact that I’m having trouble meeting a good Catholic woman is currently fueling these fears). This fear is driving a wedge between me and God and is resulting me being angry towards God.

This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.

Thank you so much for all of your help. God bless you all.
 
I know that when I was your age, the though of never getting married one day scared me too. I am now a 42 year old woman who has never been married and trust me, it is not nearly as bad as I though it would be.

Had someone told me back then I never would have married, I think I would have jumped off a cliff. Now I see that I have a lot to be thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, I am still would like to meet someone but I see the benefits of being single. I never have to worry about being divorced, I never had a man put me in a financial disaster. And I have total independence.

With that being said, I have to wonder (and it takes one to know one;)) Do you want to get married that badly or do you think your worth as a person depends on marriage. Really ask God to reveal to you why you feel this way? It is really easy to blame all of life’s problems on being single, but following God’s will should NEVER put a wedge between you and Him.

CM
 
MidnightSun12 said:
I need help. I am almost 25, single, and I have a strong personal desire to get married and start a family one day (so much so that I’m fearful of any other vocation simply because I won’t have the opportunity to have a spouse or children). The problem is that God is yet to reveal my vocation to me and I’m very afraid that He might have plans for me to be a priest or a single man (the fact that I’m having trouble meeting a good Catholic woman is currently fueling these fears). This fear is driving a wedge between me and God and is resulting me being angry towards God.

This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.

Thank you so much for all of your help. God bless you all.
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I understand your feelings. I married when I was 29. There were times I wondered whether I would ever get married too.(So did my Mom, but that’s another story :D)
Looking back now, I know that this was God’s way of telling me I just wasn’t ready, and that the circumstances weren’t right for it yet. I have to say that never did I think that God was calling me to something else though. Sometimes, he would rather you have no one than the wrong one. Work on yourself now, that you will be confident and not stressed out and in a hurry to marry when the right one comes along. Try to really take a look at yourself and see if there is any aspect of your life or personality that you could work on that may need improvement. May God bless you and guide you.
 
I’m 30 and never married and understand your fears. I always wanted to be a mom but never really thought about marriage until my mid-20s, so I was late to the game! My desire for companionship became so strong that even before I even knew what a vocation was, I asked God to show me if He wanted me to be single forever (and always tossed around the idea of just becoming a nun). But the desire for a husband and children became stronger than ever. I believe that He even revealed something to me about my future children. . .We’ll see, right? 🤷

There are days when I despair but I believe I’m doing everything that I possibly can to meet my future husband. Most importantly, I am staying prayerful for me and for this man. If that man never materializes, I believe God will give me the grace to accept my situation. It’s not wrong to want these things but try not to let the despair overcome you.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I understand your feelings. I married when I was 29. There were times I wondered whether I would ever get married too.(So did my Mom, but that’s another story :D)
Looking back now, I know that this was God’s way of telling me I just wasn’t ready, and that the circumstances weren’t right for it yet. I have to say that never did I think that God was calling me to something else though. Sometimes, he would rather you have no one than the wrong one. Work on yourself now, that you will be confident and not stressed out and in a hurry to marry when the right one comes along. Try to really take a look at yourself and see if there is any aspect of your life or personality that you could work on that may need improvement. May God bless you and guide you.
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My experience was similar. I didn’t marry until I was 31, didn’t meet my husband until I was 29. Looking back on my twenties, God absolutely had perfect timing. There was no way I was ready for meeting my husband let alone getting married before I was 29, no matter how much I thought I was earlier in my 20s.

I struggled with the same fears right up until about 6 months before I met my husband. I came to a point that I just turned it all over to God. If I said I had faith, well then I had to actually put that faith into action. I had discerned my vocation was marriage, I did seek out spiritual guidance that I wasn’t called to the religious life, from a Franciscan nun. I went to adoration, prayed, and one day I was at peace that I was suppose to be married, but the time and place was not revealed to me. God told me to trust Him completely and then get out of His way to let it unfold in His timing, not my own. I didn’t listen to well meaning friends and relatives about how to meet a spouse, all the dating statistics that people offered so willingly, etc. I knew God had a plan for me that did not fit into what our society would like us to think about how to date and get married. Wasn’t long after that I met my husband, we were engaged 5 months later, married 14 years two weeks ago.

You got to discern your vocation, trust God in His timing, lean on His plan and not your own timing and fears. If God wants you to pursue religious orders, you will be at peace with that. If you are meant to be single, you will be at peace with that to. But right now your fear is overriding all else and you may not be able to properly discern your vocation. I would seek out some spiritual direction.
 
MidnightSun12 said:
I need help. I am almost 25, single, and I have a strong personal desire to get married and start a family one day (so much so that I’m fearful of any other vocation simply because I won’t have the opportunity to have a spouse or children). The problem is that God is yet to reveal my vocation to me and I’m very afraid that He might have plans for me to be a priest or a single man (the fact that I’m having trouble meeting a good Catholic woman is currently fueling these fears). This fear is driving a wedge between me and God and is resulting me being angry towards God.

This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.

Thank you so much for all of your help. God bless you all.
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I think you need to slow down or else you may end up with someone you are not intended to be with. Trust that God has control of what is in your best interest. Trust that whatever your vocation…which just sounds like marriage to me…but I am no one who knows you. What do your parents think? Often, I believe God gives parents discernment and hopes for their children. You know like Mary pondered things in her heart for Jesus. I think there is a certain amount of this with your parents. I have asked my children what they want. Both want families and children. It is beautiful to see, given my situation, but that is another story. but I tell them to at least be open to God for him to show you the possiblility of other things. Have you discerned a religious life? That would require some work, and regardless of the outcome, you will be closer to God and understand more about what he wants from you. Any vocation is about your relationship with Him. that is one reason why it is so important. any true vocation will help refine you here and make you into a better version of you.

Ponder the religious life, just to take a step in your personal research and journey. The fear thing…well, that may be something a counselor can help you with. Or a priest who can help you discern. Don’t be afraid of discerning the other vocations. For now it is the single vocation. Maybe ask what He wants you to see in this state in life, or move to a different branch of the journey.
 
25 was a tough year for me. I felt old, and felt that a lot of my life had already gone by and for what? I was not where I wanted to be, although I had a decent job. I was single, yet I felt I wanted to have children some day. I was lapsed at the time, and ignoring God, but He was still guiding me.

(Of course at 55, I think I was so silly to feel old and discontented at just 25, but it was a very real feeling at the time.)

From that sense of discontent, I actually ended up starting night classes towards a degree, so my depression and distress did end up moving me in the right direction. I got a huge boost in my self-esteem from believing that I could actually go to college after all, let alone from earning excellent grades in my coursework. It took 6 more years until I got married, and a lot of stumbles in the meantime, but God finally did grant me 2 sons at a rather late age. And the best part is, from that gift, I also got my faith back. Thank you Lord Jesus!

(Oh, and I did end up with a 4 year degree…in “only” 10 years! :rolleyes:)

All I’m saying is that you have to trust God and live your life. He will take care of you. He always has, and He always will.
 
Fear does not keep the local systems in line, no matter how much Grand Moff Tarkin might think.

But in all seriousness, fear in general is a huge obstacle to success both temporally and spiritually. Let go of your fear of what God has planned for you. Embrace it. The truth is that you probably don’t know what it is. Allow yourself to embrace what He wants. He may have the same plan you desire! Maybe not, but letting go of what you want and accepting what He wants is the best way to achieve happiness.

Men were made to be ruled. But we were not made to be ruled by other men. We were made to willingly and freely accept the rule of God. We can also reject it, but that rejection always sets off an inner quarrel we can never end unless we turn around and accept God’s rule over us. Not as degraded subjects. But his rule as a loving Father who loves us more than we could ever love Him no matter how broken we are.

And as a side note, fear drives women away in droves. They can smell it on you. Let go of your fear and perhaps your problems with finding women will abate.
 
BTDT, although I only started to feel that despair a few years ago. I always wanted kids and knew I wanted a lot of them but never gave much thought to a husband. I’m a late bloomer and finding a husband was not on my radar in my early 20s, then I started thinking about it but I am not a put myself out there kind of person so I started worrying how and if I was ever going to meet anyone. A little over a year and a half ago I was at Mass the thought crossed my mind and then I just gave it all to God. Seriously the thought just came to me and I felt at peace saying in Your Hand Lord. I have worried since then but I haven’t felt any intense despair.

It took a while, it didn’t happen overnight but I am in a relationship now and I looking forward to where it takes us. I still worry sometimes but I am praying constantly so I am giving it to God everyday.
 
MidnightSun12 said:
I need help. I am almost 25, single, and I have a strong personal desire to get married and start a family one day (so much so that I’m fearful of any other vocation simply because I won’t have the opportunity to have a spouse or children). The problem is that God is yet to reveal my vocation to me and I’m very afraid that He might have plans for me to be a priest or a single man (the fact that I’m having trouble meeting a good Catholic woman is currently fueling these fears). This fear is driving a wedge between me and God and is resulting me being angry towards God.

This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.

Thank you so much for all of your help. God bless you all.
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Apart from the ‘other vocation’ possibility, which I’m no good talking about with, you need to hold yourself fast together and make sure that despair and other negative feelings don’t bring you down and wreck you. I’m not an expert on dealing with feelings, you may need to talk to someone who is (e.g. counsellor, and it’s no shame going to tone). At any rate, from my experience watching people, those who focus too much on being single and wanting to change it, especially if they also focus on complaining about bad experiences from the past, run a risk of becoming odd, awkward, not only not very marriageable from the point of view of the opposite sex, but also potentially inflicting misery upon themselves. So you really, really need to get a fulfilling life. A job that matters and/or you can identify with and dedicate yourself. Family. Friends. Perhaps some kind of charitable or other socially related work after hours. And enjoy life, don’t let any misfortunes with women bring you down. In short, despairing is the shortest route to making your own life miserable (possibly the next life as well), while if you not only hold yourself together and soldier on but also enjoy life, then you never know what will happen tomorrow.

In the meantime, you can concentrate (apart from discernment) on what can make you a good husband and father, which includes job-related things such as economic security, which a family needs (which is not to discount that it needs spiritual welfare more than economic). You could read up on men and women, relationships, child upbringing, those kind of things you’ll need to know when you’re married and have kids.

For the record, I’m 29 and single, also male. 😉
 
MidnightSun12 said:
This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.
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I think you need to figure out why you’re frightened of not getting married before you rush into a marriage and find yourself regretting it. I think you need to do this before you continue your search for a husband. It’s been my experience that only after someone is content with the life they’re leading are they ready to share their life with someone who’s genuinely good for them. Without exception everyone I’ve known who married out of some kind of desperation (financial, familial pressure, societal expectation, ‘It’s what I’m supposed to do’ thinking, etc.) ended up in a miserable marriage.

Luna
 
Thanks, everyone for the posts. You have largely been confirming what I already knew deep down (it just helps to hear it from other people 🙂 )
chevalier said:
Apart from the ‘other vocation’ possibility, which I’m no good talking about with, you need to hold yourself fast together and make sure that despair and other negative feelings don’t bring you down and wreck you. I’m not an expert on dealing with feelings, you may need to talk to someone who is (e.g. counsellor, and it’s no shame going to tone). At any rate, from my experience watching people, those who focus too much on being single and wanting to change it, especially if they also focus on complaining about bad experiences from the past, run a risk of becoming odd, awkward, not only not very marriageable from the point of view of the opposite sex, but also potentially inflicting misery upon themselves. So you really, really need to get a fulfilling life. A job that matters and/or you can identify with and dedicate yourself. Family. Friends. Perhaps some kind of charitable or other socially related work after hours. And enjoy life, don’t let any misfortunes with women bring you down. In short, despairing is the shortest route to making your own life miserable (possibly the next life as well), while if you not only hold yourself together and soldier on but also enjoy life, then you never know what will happen tomorrow.

In the meantime, you can concentrate (apart from discernment) on what can make you a good husband and father, which includes job-related things such as economic security, which a family needs (which is not to discount that it needs spiritual welfare more than economic). You could read up on men and women, relationships, child upbringing, those kind of things you’ll need to know when you’re married and have kids.

For the record, I’m 29 and single, also male. 😉
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I really like what you’re saying here about holding yourself together and soldiering on. Up until this point, I have been looking for some magic piece of knowledge that would completely dispell these feelings of despair so that I wouldn’t even be tempted with them anymore (for example I have been praying to God to tell me in no uncertain terms what my vocation is so that I can stop worrying about it).

I need to remember that despair is actually sinful in the same way that anger, envy and lust are sinful to God and I’ll probably be tempted with some form of these thoughts until the day that I die. I shouldn’t be trying to prevent the temptation from occuring…I need to be rejecting the temptation when it does occur. Your post makes it clear that I am simply going to have to do battle with Satan in this area of my life and that’s what I am going to do.

There is no rational way to dispell a lustful thought once you have consented to it, so it follows logically that there won’t be any rational way to dispell a despairing thought once I have consented to that… In fact, thinking about it is only going to make matters worse and lead to other sins such as being angry at God for not giving me a wife, jealousy over other people’s spouses, etc…

What I need to do here is to recognize when I am first feeling the temptation to despair and simply offer this temptation up to God rather then embracing the thought. Trying to “understand” the despair has to be Satan’s trap to get me to consent to it…once I have consented to it I am commiting sin and am in a place that is very difficult to get out of…

Thanks again, this might just be a life-changer!
 
If God put it in your heart to be married and start a family, which is a Godly calling, then why not taking a few small steps in that direction? Perhaps some social outings.

Satan loves to build a wedge between our dreams and vocations, because it gives him the most power to take away what is our greatest and most powerful gifts. Taking action against the doubt and you will feel MUCH better, even if nothing results except a few failed attempts in the beginning-- but who’s to say what will happen! Remember, you can always alter your course later if you have a change of heart. Don’t decide anything yet. 🙂

Hope this helps!!!

Lily
 
It looks like there’s no shortage of folks who feel the desperation in the mid-twenties. I did too and was longing for a dead-end relationship to have life breathed back into it. God saw it otherwise, as did the man I was so stubbornly sure was meant to be my husband.

At midlife, I am glad I didn’t marry that man. I am still single and have come to peace with it - though I feel drawn to re-discern about possibly dating with the hope of marriage. But if I do - I will try to relax and let God lead me this time around, with better results whatever the outcome. 🙂

To the OP - what others have said, really work on that relationship with God. Confess your sins, and if you fall, confess them again even though that is tougher - don’t stop growing in grace! And let your cool head calm your eager heart, let there be balance. You don’t want to end up in a relationship of anxiety and drama, that’s no good for you or for your future wife. Above all think of a woman you date whether you feel you would want to spend your life helping her get to Heaven and whether she seems like the kind who would be willing to do the same for you.
 
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.” Matt. 6:33-34

Anxiety does not good marriages make, and it makes a LOT of bad ones. I don’t know who said it, but one writer pointed out that the only thing worse than being alone in bed and feeling lost and alone is being with someone in bed and still feeling lost and alone. Learn to trust in God, accept what God sends your way, and from there ask God, if it be His will, to send you a spouse pleasing to Him. God will see to it that you have the means to live out what He made you to be, so do not worry. Trust that God will take care of you.

Do not feel guilty for feeling worry. That is only a temptation, not a sin. Ask God to help you; do not hide. If God lets the gadfly worry you, be sure that the gadfly will get his in the end.
 
MidnightSun12 said:
I need help. I am almost 25, single, and I have a strong personal desire to get married and start a family one day (so much so that I’m fearful of any other vocation simply because I won’t have the opportunity to have a spouse or children). The problem is that God is yet to reveal my vocation to me and I’m very afraid that He might have plans for me to be a priest or a single man (the fact that I’m having trouble meeting a good Catholic woman is currently fueling these fears). This fear is driving a wedge between me and God and is resulting me being angry towards God.

This is getting to be a real problem for me. Nothing scares me more then the thought of not getting maried one day. I need to know how to deal with this fear. I also need to know how you married folk dealt with the possibility of God calling you to a vocation other then marriage before you met your spouses.

Thank you so much for all of your help. God bless you all.
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First of all, you are just a normal human being. Don’t let anyone burden or discourage you with false teaching that you need to be at peace with being single before being able to get married (if that were truly the case, I doubt there would be many marriages, if any at all; besides, in Genesis, God said that it was not good for the man to be alone) or that there is one person that God has intended to be your spouse (Karl Keating addressed this false notion in one of his e-letters: archive.catholic.com/newsletters/kke_080108.asp ).

As far as waiting for God to reveal your vocation, I suggest that you read the CCC regarding vocations. Please start with CCC 1603, which states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature. Because that is our natural vocation, it becomes clear as to why the celibate vocations (priestly ministry/religious or consecrated life) are considered a “higher calling” which require supernatural graces. (Please note that simply being single and non-ordained/non-consecrated is considerd a state of life rather than an actual vocation by the CCC).

Regarding the problems finding a good Catholic woman, that may more be a function of the messed up society we live in rather than a sign that God is calling someone to the priesthood. In fact, Mary Beth Bonacci stated that those who are called to marriage are having difficulty finding a good Catholic spouse due to the fact that the dating pool is “poisoned”:

catholicexchange.com/is-the-single-life-a-vocation/

Trust me, I’m in the 40(+)-yo virgin demographic and have found that to be true.

I agree with what lily20 says - take steps in the direction of marriage. Socialize in Catholic circles. Get yourself set up in a career and in a financial position to be married; if there are any psychological or other problems that need to be taken care of, take care of them.
 
If I may ask, what types of things do you consider a “good” Catholic woman? You don’t have to answer (obviously) but you may want to consider whether or not you are looking for something so narrow and specific that you will never find what you are looking for. I read this great book a while back called “How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less.” Basically, you will have to have taken notes based on your past dating relationships about what you like and didn’t like so you can list the top three traits you “must have” and the top three traits you “can’t stand.” The idea is that if someone has all three of your “must haves” and none of your “can’t stands,” the person is worth looking into.

I trust that you are putting yourself in places and situations where there are many opportunities to meet people. Even if you are meeting married people, even married people know single people.

Also, I second The Bucket - fear drives potential mates away. In my experience, it was always when I stopped looking that someone great would just drop into my lap. That includes my husband … whom I fell in love with when I was 25, two months shy of my 26th birthday.

Final note, it appears that you (MidnightSun12 ) are male and that SeekNFind is female and about your age … just-throwing-that-out-there-with-no-ulterior-motives-at-all. :rolleyes:
 
AthenaC said:
Final note, it appears that you (MidnightSun12 ) are male and that SeekNFind is female and about your age … just-throwing-that-out-there-with-no-ulterior-motives-at-all. :rolleyes:
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:eek::eek::eek:

I’m 5 years older :o
 
Norseman82 said:
Regarding the problems finding a good Catholic woman, that may more be a function of the messed up society we live in rather than a sign that God is calling someone to the priesthood.
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I think you hit the nail on the head.
 
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