Despair

[dermot2]

As some of you may know, I’ve been struggling for three years about whether to remain in my very dysfuntional marriage. My H was abusive and controlling for years, but I stayed because of the marriage vow I took and for other reasons that had more to do with my own fear, lack of self-esteem and guilt. We have been married over 35 years and are childless ( my H never wanted kids). Also the marriage has been sexless for years.

Ten years ago, my H was dx with MS. At time, I prayed and told God I would be his caregiver. After that, for various reasons, my H got even more abusive, and four years ago I had to call the police on him for threatening to punch me. From that very moment, all love for my husband died, and we separated a few months later. But again, I went back due to fear and guilt. My H got some counselling and stopped the verbal and physical abuse, but for me the memories and trauma of it all seem to go on.

As I continue to get older and his MS gets worse ( he can still walk with canes and drives and works), I feel that I can no longer stay in this marriage for reasons having to do with my own emotional and physical health. I would like to have one chance at real love before I die, failing that, I would rather be alone. My H refuses marriage counselling and does not pay any attention when I tell him I’m suffering mentally, feel suicidal at times. He won’t even go to marriage counselling. I think he feels I’ll stay because we’re too old to start over again, and because I’m afraid to be alone at my age (57).

Should I talk to a priest about this? I think it would be better to leave now while my H can still take care of himself. I would make myself available to help him with the transition when or if I left, but I truly can no longer stay without great emotional and physical cost to me - years of no happiness, no imtimacy and abuse have ground me into nothing.

 

[BamaRider]

Should I talk to a priest about this? I

Yes. Be sure to find a experienced* parish *priest. They have all the training for spititual guidance, and formal training in counseling. It could be he refers you to someone in the dioscese with even more advanced training.

Your situation is far too complicated for anyone around here. Good luck and I have you on my prayer list sweetie.

 

[dermot2]

thanks Bama:

Just having a very down day and needed to vent. I know my situ is beyond the pale for most people here.

God Bless you and thank you for your prayers

 

[nmoerbeek]

As some of you may know, I’ve been struggling for three years about whether to remain in my very dysfuntional marriage. My H was abusive and controlling for years, but I stayed because of the marriage vow I took and for other reasons that had more to do with my own fear, lack of self-esteem and guilt. We have been married over 35 years and are childless ( my H never wanted kids). Also the marriage has been sexless for years.

Ten years ago, my H was dx with MS. At time, I prayed and told God I would be his caregiver. After that, for various reasons, my H got even more abusive, and four years ago I had to call the police on him for threatening to punch me. From that very moment, all love for my husband died, and we separated a few months later. But again, I went back due to fear and guilt. My H got some counselling and stopped the verbal and physical abuse, but for me the memories and trauma of it all seem to go on.

As I continue to get older and his MS gets worse ( he can still walk with canes and drives and works), I feel that I can no longer stay in this marriage for reasons having to do with my own emotional and physical health. I would like to have one chance at real love before I die, failing that, I would rather be alone. My H refuses marriage counselling and does not pay any attention when I tell him I’m suffering mentally, feel suicidal at times. He won’t even go to marriage counselling. I think he feels I’ll stay because we’re too old to start over again, and because I’m afraid to be alone at my age (57).

Should I talk to a priest about this? I think it would be better to leave now while my H can still take care of himself. I would make myself available to help him with the transition when or if I left, but I truly can no longer stay without great emotional and physical cost to me - years of no happiness, no imtimacy and abuse have ground me into nothing.

I am so sorry.

Please do not forget that Christ loves us unconditionally. It is when we struggle against his will do we know despair.

 

[BamaRider]

Well heck if you just wanna vent, more then glad to listen. I can’t help much with your relationship, but I suggest getting outta the house and go do something fun.

Go down to the bookstore and read the magazines for free and drink fancy coffee. I don’t drink coffee, but after I read a bunch of books then buy ONE, and so far Books a Zillion not kicked me out.

Go take a long drive somewhere, with no destination in mind, not returning home till late afternoon. Along the way stop for lunch in a local cafe in some forgotten town and ask the locals whats goin on. They’ll be glad to tawk to ya, and if they don’t, doesn’t matter you didn’t know them folks anyway LOL.

If you got a niece or nephew get em on the phone and ask them over for supper, if they have little ones tell them to bring em, children laughter always seems to brighten things.

Go down and do that meals on wheels thing. If you don’t drive you can ride shotgun and take the meals up to the door. My son and I did that and got special blessings for it. For the shut ins it was the highlight of their day.

Call a friend not see what they got goin on, see if they wanna hang out.

But whatever get out of the house every once in a while, cos sitting around thinking about this stuff will get to ya. Keep us posted sweetie.

I’ll get ShannyK to send ya some cookies if ya think it’ll help LOL.

 

[monicatholic]

dermot,

do you realize your husband’s refusal to have kids possibly invalidates your marriage? there might not have been a sacrament at all.

but there ***are ***two people, both of whom are suffering, but only one whose sufferings you can relieve. that’s you. (only a miracle could change your husband’s miserable ways.)

do everything on Bama’s list and then some. get your nails done. don’t have nails? they sell them at the salon. buy some.

get your hair done. walk the humane society puppies. play cards with lady friends. go on a seniors day trip with church. get a hermitage at a nearby retreat center, then sleep half of the time away. buy big jewelry. order the tiramisu.

thank Your Heavenly Father you still have a brain in your head and a beat in your heart after the life of deprivation* you’ve led (* love, kindness, companionship, children, possible sacrament.)

oh, yeah. then see a priest. if your first few tries don’t turn up someone abundantly compassionate, find another priest.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

You must go talk to a priest for council. Your comment about being suicidal stood out to me. I am praying that you feel relief from your grief and fear.

In order for a person to heal, one must accept responsibility for allowing another to continually harm them. Until you do that, you choose to be powerless. You need to establish healthy boundaries immediately, whether you ultimately decide to stay or go. In addition to speaking to a priest and getting referred to counseling for yourself, you may find the book, “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud-Townsend enlightening.

I hope you seek the help you need and see hope for yourself. You matter, your happiness matters, and you are in charge of it all (be excited about that!!)- even if for now, you need guidance to get the ball rolling. My prayers are with you.

 

[basilisk]

In order for a person to heal, one must accept responsibility for allowing another to continually harm them. Until you do that, you choose to be powerless.

People on this board have been telling her this for over a year. I think she likes the attention and sympathy she gets from the “poor me” routine.

Dermot, make a decision already. Though, in reality, you have. You’re staying, obviously. No matter what people tell you or how many times you get told the same thing.

Aug 08: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=259565

Apr 08: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=231988

Nov 07: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=201258

 

[dermot2]

Basilisk:

I would expect a more charitable response from someone on a Catholic Board. I wish I was getting my jollies from posting my problems here – the fact is, at times I feel overwhelmed with everything and post when I probably shouldn’t.

Not everyone can resolve their problems quickly or easily – maybe if I were younger.

I don’t know if I’m staying in my M or not. If I did know, I wouldn’t be posting here.

You are judging me, without knowing me – isn’t that a sin?

 

[Serap]

People on this board have been telling her this for over a year. I think she likes the attention and sympathy she gets from the “poor me” routine.

Dermot, make a decision already. Though, in reality, you have. You’re staying, obviously. No matter what people tell you or how many times you get told the same thing.

Aug 08: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=259565

Apr 08: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=231988

Nov 07: 69.43.207.164/showthread.php?t=201258

How cruel!!! Shame on you! This lady is a good person and you choose to hurt her.

 

[monicatholic]

I defend basilisk’s comment. while the delivery may have been a little abrupt, the point is valid.

life is beautiful wrote

you choose to be powerless.

i agree a choice of powerlessness is being made.

i always remind myself: for everything I choose, i **un-**choose other things. dermot, your choice to remain powerless, **un-**chooses any possible power you have.

you wrote,

maybe if I were younger…

.

you*** were ***younger-- once. perhaps then, you looked to some imaginary future when things would magically be better. now, many years later, you look to the past and imagine you might have done something more courageous back then-- had you known how bad you’d feel now.

but dermot, the only place we can make any difference-- the only time we can accept God’s grace-- the only time we can change, grow, trust, have faith is NOW. everything else is an illusion.

most of us know it’s not easy to make changes. but somehow you imagine that other people have easier choices than yours? not so.

to some of us, ‘more of the same misery’ has been so **vile **an option that we chose possible homelessness, potential financial devastation, certain legal upheaval, and profound uncertainty ***instead. ***

i ask you again, **now: **do you realize your marriage may be an invalid sacrament? aren’t you responsible to do something about that in your own life?

 

[Serap]

We all make choices in our lives; some good; some bad; and we should never look back and think, “what a fool I was…”

It is unhealthy to think this way.

Dermot2, you are going through a very rough time in your life and you need a good listener and spiritual advisor. A good priest would be a good start. Go to a priest that you feel comfortable talking to and perhaps other posters are right in saying that your marriage may be invalid due to the childlessness issue.

I would like to mention that I have a lot of respect for you for trying to do the right things in your life. You have stood by your husband through a lot of hardships and suffering. You have taken on a HUGE responsibility of looking after your husband whom you do not love anymore (and for just reasons).

Love can be defined by the amount of sacrifices we are willing to make for another. You have made some huge sacrifices for your husband. You must have really loved him! Now the sacrifice seems heavy and a burden to you. This is definitely an indication that your love for him is gone. You need to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Talk to your priest and try to figure things out. By the way 57 is NOT old!!! You still have many years ahead of you.

I can’t tell you what to do b/c I’m not a spiritual advisor, but a good priest could really help point you in the right direction.

Good luck and don’t despair. Pray pray and pray!

 

[dermot2]

Serap:

Thanks for your kindness and support and thanks to others here who responded.

I just have to pray that God gives me the strength to persevere in my chosen path, whether it’s leaving or staying. Neither one will be easy and I’d be foolish to think leaving promises happiness.

There is no real happiness on this earth anyway, but a little peace of mind would be nice for a change.

 

[Serap]

Serap:

There is no real happiness on this earth anyway, but a little peace of mind would be nice for a change.

Dermot2, this is where you are mistaken. Real happiness does exist on this earth. Happiness is something that people can find if they seek it and choose it. You are very depressed honey and that’s why you believe this.

God loves you more than anything and He’s with you every step of the way. Look for God’s love and you will find it. Seek God’s love and He will show you the way.

Call your parish today and make an appointment. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are many people that want to help you. You just have to find them.