Despair

  • Thread starter Thread starter Norm640
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

Norm640

Guest
I am really tired of my life. I see people my age married and with children, being successful, and because of my mental problems (OCD) I live at home. I see people going out and having fun while I’m sitting at home doing nothing. My life feels completely empty. I feel lost. I have nothing and don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy with myself.

I see pretty girls and feel anxious and depressed. Almost heartbroken. They’ll never go out with a guy like me. I see people living life so normally. Enjoying life. Feeling comfortable. I’ve never felt comfortable. I’ve never been happy.

Yesterday I was stood up at a bar by a girl who was 12 years my junior. I felt old and humiliated.

I always feel anxious. I always feel on edge. My thoughts are always dark. My OCD affects everything I do. And I am starting to feel that these horrible thoughts I have are really because of me, not because of some sort of disorder called “OCD”.

I have prayed the Divine Mercy CHaplet, and the Rosary and prayers to Saint Raphael, Saint Jude, Saint Rita, Saint Joseph and Saint Dymphna all during the hour of divine mercy (3pm).

But God doesn’t cure the mentally ill. I read that God uses the mentally ill as examples to show himself through suffering. I am tired of suffering. I am tired of walking on a wire. I don’t want to be an example for God. I want to be normal. I want to be with a beautiful woman, I want to have a good job. I want to live on my own. I want to be proud of myself.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sensitive. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling empty, lost, and alone.

I am tired of me. I have prayed that God end my life. I don’t want to be used by God for any example. Why do some people who have never really been religious or even talked to God have things so well? Why do they have the beautiful wife, the great career, the confidence, the security, the happiness?

Why did God let this happen to me? Because I was a different person before I got whatever this is. And I never got a chance to become the man I was meant to be. I was just 19 when my world came crashing down, and I’ve been living in this hell for 17 years. I’ve squandered my life…

I am just tired and I’m starting to lose interest in going on … hope is such a drug, it keeps me getting up in the morning…but I know it is only hope. It produces nothing…

I even hate having to come to talk about my problems to others. No one likes a whiner. No one likes a complainer. Why did God make me?
 
Lord, please help Norm to carry his cross courageously. Please grant him strength, peace, serenity, the deepest faith, certain hope, burning charity, surrender to your holy will and abandonment to your divine providence. Please help him to offer up his sufferings; may he gain great merit this way. The Saints say that this is the way you treat your friends, and I know you treat them this way out of love for them … you want them to grow in faith, hope and charity through their suffering and you want them to gain merit … also, you want them to grow in humility and dependency on you. Please help Norm to trust in you and to never give up. May he persevere and find a holy priest to help him get through this dark tme. Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer.
 
The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.” Num 6:24-26

Praying for you.
 
ready said:
Lord, please help Norm to carry his cross courageously. Please grant him strength, peace, serenity, the deepest faith, certain hope, burning charity, surrender to your holy will and abandonment to your divine providence. Please help him to offer up his sufferings; may he gain great merit this way. The Saints say that this is the way you treat your friends, and I know you treat them this way out of love for them … you want them to grow in faith, hope and charity through their suffering and you want them to gain merit … also, you want them to grow in humility and dependency on you. Please help Norm to trust in you and to never give up. May he persevere and find a holy priest to help him get through this dark tme. Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer.
Click to expand...
I join with Ready in this prayer for you Norm.

When our grandchild was first diagnosed with a condition which will not allow him to live past young adulthood, I went through a similar set of feelings on his behalf. It took me a while to realize I was grieving - grieving the expectation of loss, of a future for him, and the pain he would suffer. Some call it grieving the healthy child. What I notice is that it comes in waves. It was sort of fierce the first few years, now resurfaces when we recognize in him another loss of function. We love him so.

It seemed to me in reading your story, that you too are grieving - the life you wanted, had a reasonable expectation of living, social relationships, etc. I hope your sadness abates after a while as ours does, but it will probably come up again. Just realize that God never gives us more than we can handle with His Love and Grace. Our grandson is a blessing to us, and I would guess that you are a blessing to some of the people in your life.

God bless you. I will add you to my prayers Norm.
 
You are comparing your insides to everyone else’s outsides. Only pompous fools never feel themselves to be inadequate.

That said, I hear a lot of pain in what you say. Do not despair. God has a plan for you. Offer-up your pain to the suffering souls in Purgatory.

Our Lord suffered rejection before He met his Passion. That was the greatest part of His Agony. He knows your burden, and will help you to bear it, if you let Him.

You might consider, if you haven’t already done so, seeking professional help with your OCD. If it is any consolation, I have seen people with psychiatric disorders do remarkable things with their lives.

You are in my prayers.

“The Peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep your heart and mind in the Love of God, and of His Son, Christ Jesus, our Lord.”
 
Oh I’ve been on medication for 13 years and have seen specialists. I know how to handle it, mostly…but there are times, like now, where nothing I do helps…thanks for your prayers.
 
Hi Norm640, I too have this obsession that if I didn’t have x or z or if I hadn’t been brought up by a +b, if only God had given me one awesome talent that would get me some recognition and a good livelihood, if I didn’t have the mental sharpness of an overcooked noodle, self-confidence would not be as elusive etc. Back in 1997 was when I made the brutal realization that a life like I’d dreamed would probably not happen. I tried to take my life, the following years were hell as I spewed all my rage, bitterness, and anger at God. I’m an introvert, actually afraid of people because it’s complicated being around people, being self-assertive is not of my strengths, I’m always on my guard when I’m not alone or with my family, anyway I now have a job with good pay/working conditions, but it’s a menial job, not something that can fulfill whatever is crying out to be fulfilled inside. You don’t know how tough it was for me to take that job, being almost always surrounded by lots of people, and there were quite a few simple things to learn, but I’M not good at learning and my memory is horrible and there is nothing save Hell I fear more than being humiliated or rejected and believe me there was great potential for that. But I hung it there thru thick and thin. And, there was always someone to help me, to be kind to me, there were also people that I would greet (as I tend to greet everyone with a nod or a smile, or a “hi”) and they’d just look at me and not do or say anything etc. Bottom-line, for some life is tougher, that’s an undeniable fact. Joyce Myers : "Hating yourself is dumb, because everywhere you go, there you are " or something along those lines. I could work my *** off trying to be self-confident and never achieve a fraction of the confidence some are naturally endowed with, that’s frustrating, perhaps it’s not fair but that 's reality.
There was a guy who used to lightly put me down back in grade 8, it culminated when in the English class while we were all doing individual work at our desks, he walked by me from behind and brutally slapped me from behind (he probably told a few of his buddies, "look what I'M gonna do to that loser"). I Googled his name some years ago, he has the life that 90% of North Americans dream about, a prestigious job that probably pays in the 6 digits, 2 beautiful daughters, lovely wife, a lovely house in a lovely State etc. He's probably better than me in anything I would try my hands on, but guess what, I'm not him. Kick yourself in the butt, roll up your sleeves, find a job, find activities, try finding a support group for peops with OCD etc. Just do something instead of wishing/dreaming your life away. Work hard and press on towards the good things that God has for you. Self-pity, anger and bitterness lead me to a very dark place where I almost felt like the devil/a demon was taking over, not trying to disculp me. I can't spend my life (remember life is relatively short, 75-80, perhaps 90 years) sitting and wishing things were the way i want them to be. Be courageous my friend. No matter your state in life there are always good people everywhere, sometimes I wonder if some aren't genuine Godsends...God helps those who help themselves. And, do stuff you enjoy.
 
Thank you Robert for your thoughts. And Jmcrae thank you for your thoughts too.

Hmm, what kind of things do I want to do for fun? There is nothing I really want to do for fun…I spend all of my time ruminating with my OCD. In happier times I played my guitar, went out with friends. But all my friends have married and moved on with their lives. And when I try to meet new friends, I get stood up in bars, lol.

I appreciate the time you’ve taken with me. Thank you.
 
Guitar is fun. I’m not skilled at playing it but enjoy it nonetheless. Do you know about songsterr.com? You got tabs to many, many songs and the music playing along. It’s on my “favourites” list, actually. And it’s FREE!
 
The Mission of My Life

God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.

by John Henry Cardinal Newman

Norm, I think I share some of your OCD related struggles. This prayer and trusting that the Lord knows what he is doing helps me get through the rough times.

God Bless You!!! 🙂
 
Thank you all…

I have people I went to high school with who are directors, actors, lawyers, doctors, stock brokers, etc. People who are very successful. They are married or are going out with other good looking and confident people…

Looking at their Facebook profiles and the people they know is one of the most depressing things…

And here I am…doing nothing, having nothing, ugly…

I know it is wrong to pray to have money and things…but women like men who are either good looking and successful…I can’t even be one. I feel like such a failure at life.

When I was 19 I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. And then it was hijacked by this “thing” in my head…and I’ve barely kept my head above water.

I want to be proud of myself. I want to have the confidence to meet girls. I want to have a nice car, my own place. I want to not feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy. I want to marry a pretty girl. I want at least to go out with a pretty girl who LIKES me at least.

I used to long for sleep because I hated being awake. But now I even hate going to sleep because I know the next day will be just like all the rest. I am never excited about anything. My hopes are always misplaced. I don’t know how to be humble. Because to be humble you have to have some peace of mind to be able to humble yourself. I do not have that.

I have trouble accepting the fact that I am not right, and will never be right. I hate the idea that I can’t be successful or can’t be with a woman. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I just want out. 17 years is a long time…especially when everything you do is 10 times harder than it should be.

Thank you all again, I do appreciate it.
 
Dude, I hear you. I can relate to all you’re saying, including sleep. My life is tough, some people’s lives aren’t, I’m not them. The self-pity pit is almost constantly beckoning me, i have to look elsewhere and focus on what I do have. I crave normalcy like you couldn’t fathom, I wish i made friends easily, I wish I was bold and self-assertive, not apologizing if someone accidentally steps on my toes. I’ve often thought about the exact month and year when I was conceived, I used to cry out to God, “Why didn’t you keep that from happening if you knew the painful and often mortifying life that was in store for me?” In your situation, I think it would be good if you were around people less fortunate than you, that way it’d take your mind off what’s not working in your life right now, and get a nice feeling doing it (soup kitchen type of volunteer work). I understand your OCD started at 19, I had something wrong with me from the get-go. My life is a battle, I take no pride in that, would change that in the blink of an eye if I could, but it’s the only life I’ve got. I’m emotionally crippled, intimacy and trust are tough, but I try and do the best I can with what little I have. I pray God opens door for you to find hope again. Get a little puppy ( alittle toy poodle if you’re allergic), it’ll force you to go outside and get some fresh air and exercise, and besides, animals can do a lot of good to hurting souls. Heck, even betta fish are nice and funny to watch and they’ll stare right back!
 
Praying for you and entrusting you and your health to Our Blessed Mother:

Jesus, King of Divine Mercy. We trust in You!

We take refuge under thy protection,
O Holy Mother of God;
despise not our prayers for Norm
in his necessities,
but deliver him always from all dangers,
O glorious and blessed Virgin. Amen.
 
Hi Norm,

I sympathize with what you are going through, a family member has been sick and house bound for 13 years now and is suffering terribly with anxiety/OCD–it is crippling. I know you are looking at others and seeing all their success etc and feeling a failure, but remember the “grass always looks greener on the other side”, things don’t always look how they appear. Being married with children isn’t exactly a walk in the park either, chosen career paths will not always be as they seem.There are a lot of people who pretend they are happy because they seem to have it all, but they still feel such emptiness in their lives. Someone once said to me “Don’t look to man to fill all your needs–you will always be dissappointed”–God alone is the only one who can satisfy all our needs.

O God, loving Father, fill me with your infinite
love and affection. let me remain in your
steadfast love. Remove from me the feeling
that no one loves me. Take away from me
the sorrowful thought that I am unwanted. I am
yours and yours only.

You are my refuge. Loving Father, I acknowledge
with gratitude your sending your only begotten
son Jesus Christ for my salvation. Jesus my loving
Lord, I praise you for cleansing me of my sins
and granting me the position of a child of God,
through your death on Calvary.

Holy Spirit, love of God, come and fill me. Let the
flame of the love of God blaze within me without dying
out. Amen.

Praying for you!
 
Norm I am so sorry you are feeling this way.My heart goes out to you.I have a son with mental health issues.He suffers form anxiety/OCD/agoraphobia/panic attacks & depression.He has suffered in this way since he was 12.

Success,happiness,contentedness comes in many different forms to each of us.What one person thinks is happiness or success to another is not so positive. For example my life for me is caring for disabled family members.For me to have a good day without too much stress or worry is a success and brings me great joy.To others that would probably be not so interesting.We all have different life experiences and challenges. I pray and hope you will be able to move forward in your life.I wonder if you would enjoy doing things for others? Perhaps helping neighbours or people in need in some way may give you a different perspective. I enjoy praying for everyone here on CAF.I don’t get much of an opportunity to socialise due to caring responsibilities.I get fulfillment and a sense of achievement from helping others when I can." When you stop looking for love is when it happens" is a saying I have heard.Love and relationships come in many forms too.You never know what is around the corner.Try to keep positive.Trust in God.Pray to Him talk to Him.In the meantime I will keep you in my prayers. God bless 🙂

Lord please help Norm.Please guide him and grant him strength.We pray he will feel Your love for him and open his hear to You.Lord please palce Your helaing hand upon him that he will find purpose and move forward in his life.Thankyou Lord for Your many blessings Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top