Despair

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Fragile

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Please pray for me, I’m slipping into despair again. I’m afraid to pray, read my bible, go to confession…so afraid I’m already condemned since I have loved darkness rather than light, and my unbelief has been willful, ergo I have permanently put myself out of the possibility of God’s grace…😦
 
The only way you could put yourself completely out of God’s grace would be to die in a state of mortal sin. Have you talked with a doctor about possibly being depressed? I know that great despair can come with depression. I’ve been there, and I know what it feels like to think that you’re out of God’s grace. But we can’t put ourselves there. Unless, like I’ve already said, you die while in the state of mortal sin. Don’t be afraid of going to confession. In fact, that’s my next suggestion. Go. You will get some relief right there. And know that God’s love for you is unchanging and unchangable. You can’t do anything to make Him stop loving you.
 
I’ve not slept but a few hours in a week now, this is dreadful! I’ve battled this seriously on and off since 1990 when I went through my divorce, having left my faith in my marriage to pursue sexual sin, that’s when I fist believed I had tangible evidence of Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, before that, even though I feared it then, it was more from my bad trips on acid. That left me in a state for years w/flashbacks, visions, horrific nightmares…though it grew less in intensity over time. I’m not trying to make excuses for my willful sin, just providing a little background…
 
I called into “Open Line” today and talked to John, he tried to give me hope, and said if you repent God will take you back. But I wonder if God will “grant me repentance”, or am I being willfully unrepentant, and I’m going in circles in my mind introspecting, it’s making me crazy! :confused:

I listened to “Women of Grace” today and my heart was breaking over the one woman who called, I was weeping and asking our Lord to please give this woman what I want for myself, please grant her Your peace!
 
Another thing that adds to it is my constant double mindedness over the Catholic Church, pft, really over everything, "the double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways! My Calvinist background lead me to little hope, plus many of them do not believe there are any mental illnesses, that the gospel takes care of all that, and if you are in such a state something is wrong w/your faith…
 
Well, you called a Hotline, and you made this thread here. So, you know you have a problem.

Why don’t you seek help for it? It sounds like you really need to talk to a priest, and a counselor. Don’t be scared of either one, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be talking to both about something like this. They are here to help you, and they care about you and your health.

So, please, seek out help. Because there are people who want to help you.

:hug1:
 
Fragile said:
Please pray for me, I’m slipping into despair again. I’m afraid to pray, read my bible, go to confession…so afraid I’m already condemned since I have loved darkness rather than light, and my unbelief has been willful, ergo I have permanently put myself out of the possibility of God’s grace…😦
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I suggest you go to a doctor and get a proper diagnosis. You may have depression based on your comments and it can be treated. God will never leave you.

Best,
Ed
 
I understand, I really do. I grew up Baptist where I was told that if there was anything wrong with you, it was because of lack of faith. But even the most faithful can suffer. Sometimes those closest to God will suffer the most because satan wants to take them away from God. But, often times, the stronger the suffering, the stronger the faith. If you fully believe that God can help you, then He can. Sometimes he helps us even if we doubt it. I have mental health problems of my own, so it’s sometimes hard for me to see God’s love and mercy. But He is alway there, no matter what. Know that God loves you, and that if we are His people, we will love you too. Only those who aren’t His will turn their backs on you. “By their fruits you shall know them.”
 
I have no health care, and I haven’t been to a doctor in well over a decade, other than the dentist.
 
Fragile said:
Please pray for me, I’m slipping into despair again. I’m afraid to pray, read my bible, go to confession…so afraid I’m already condemned since I have loved darkness rather than light, and my unbelief has been willful, ergo I have permanently put myself out of the possibility of God’s grace…😦
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You are still alive so you are not already condemned.

Pray, read the Bible and go to confession.
 
Frequent and fervent prayer, Confession, Mass, and Communion are the best medicine for us all. Praying at least 2 decades of the Rosary per day is also strong medicine, in combination with the rest.The attached notes may also prove helpful, although they lack the finishing touches. I need to fix dat.
 
None of my Protestant friends have rejected me, but some question if I’ve truly been “born again”, there’s another rabbit trail we could go down, but I’d rather not…

As you can see from my signature, I do lawn care, as well as plow snow in the winter. It’s a small self propriety, pretty much just me, so I’ve not looked into health care, figured if I die I die…provided me teeth look good!
 
Fragile said:
I’ve not slept but a few hours in a week now, this is dreadful! I’ve battled this seriously on and off since 1990 when I went through my divorce, having left my faith in my marriage to pursue sexual sin, that’s when I fist believed I had tangible evidence of Blaspheming the Holy Spirit, before that, even though I feared it then, it was more from my bad trips on acid. That left me in a state for years w/flashbacks, visions, horrific nightmares…though it grew less in intensity over time. I’m not trying to make excuses for my willful sin, just providing a little background…
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God loves you and is willing to forgive you, and wants you to come to Him!

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is when you think you cannot be forgiven
 
This might be a good time to read the Diary of St. Faustina, and learn more about God’s unfathomable mercy.

She came to me in a dream once, and we became friends.

She’s as real as it gets.
 
I, too, have suffered from depression and despair. Not so much from mental health issues, but my personal life’s issues. I have always felt unworthy and undeserving of God’s love. Once in confession, I told the priest " I am so confused! We are told we are unworthy and will never be worthy of God’s love. Then on the other hand, we are told that we could never do anything to make God not love us. He loves us and will always love us no matter what we do". His reply was, “God’s love for us MAKES us worthy.” The rosary has helped me tremendously, as well as the Jesus prayer. I evenmade up my own one liner prayer - Jesus, Mary, Joseph, help me. I believe Satan works on us through the guise of depression and despair. These feelings come from the devil trying to pull us away from God. Prayers for you.
 
There are a lot of folk, both Protestant and Catholic who think they can not be forgiven, that certainly doesn’t mean they can’t, I think Jimmy Akin gives a pretty good explanation on that sin…

I’m just doing a lot of introspecting, which is a type of “Hell” all in it’s self!
 
As far as what brought me deep into this despair recently, was in the Gospel of John where Jesus says those who will not believe because they love darkness rather than light, the idea being they’ve been exposed to the light of Christ, but reject it because they love their sin more, and once this is done no possibility of repentance remains. I’ve heard John MacArthur on the radio preach this, telling folks if they’re unbelief is willful there’s nothing they can do for them, and that there’s nothing God can do for them either, they are damned! :eek:
 
Then I hear men like Hank Hanegraaff say that most of the people’s unbelief is willful, and that’s the work of an apologist, to blow away the intellectual smokescreen to get at the heart that only God can change…ugh! :banghead:
 
This is a temptation from the devil, pure and simple. Go to confession and tell the priest all your doubts and worries, the sins you are afraid you committed, and how you are being tempted to despair. It’s hard to tell if you are having trouble sleeping because of the despairing thoughts, or if they are coming because of the lack of sleep. Either way, you need a good night’s rest. Say some night time prayers, such as the Night Office in the Divine Office and prayers to your guardian angel.

During the day, meditate on these:

From the saints:

St. Benedict taught that “One should never despair of God’s mercy.”

St. Bernard of Clairvoux wrote, “God is not the Father of judgement, but only the God of mercy; punishment comes from ourselves.”

"How happy I am to see myself imperfect and be in need of God’s mercy. "
–St Therese of the Child Jesus

“In what can I hope, then, or in whom ought I trust, save only in the great mercy of God and the hope of heavenly grace?” Thomas Kempis

From the Diary of Saint Faustina:

“The greater the sinner, the greater right he has to My mercy.”

“I am sending you with My mercy to the people of the whole world. I do not want to punish aching mankind, but I desire to heal it, pressing it to My merciful heart.” (Diary 1588)

“My heart overflows with great mercy for souls and especially for poor sinners. If only they could understand that I am the best of Fathers to them and that it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from My heart as a fount overflowing with mercy.” (Diary, p. 367)

“Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.”

**Scripture:
**
“Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:36)

“For thus says the high and lofty One,
the One who dwells forever, whose name is holy:
I dwell in a high and holy place,
but also with the contrite and lowly of spirit,
To revive the spirit of the lowly,
to revive the heart of the crushed.” (Isaiah 57:15)

"You that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy,
do not stray lest you fall.

You that fear the Lord, trust in him,
and your reward will not be lost.

You that fear the LORD, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy.

Consider the generations long past and see:
has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed?
Has anyone persevered in his fear and been forsaken?
has anyone called upon him and been ignored?

For the Lord is compassionate and merciful;
forgives sins and saves in time of trouble.
(Sirach 2:8-11)

“But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.”
Nehemiah 9:30-32

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.”
Hosea 6:5-7

“Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.”(Micah 7:17-19)

“Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” (1Peter 2:9-11)

“But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” 1Timothy 1: 15-17)
 
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