Despairs & doubts

[velvetsky]

I feel embaressed to be opening up like this but I really value the advice given on this forum and I’d just like a bit of advice and help on this if thats ok.

I am falling deeply deep into despair and I’m ashamed to admit this but I have started to lose all hope that God will help me and my family in our trial. Our trial is quite literally a real trial for me and my husband are in court enduring a complete injustice. God knows we are telling the truth but we are facing alot of lies from the other side and they are making our lives a living hell. Sorry I can’t go into details of the nature of the injustice at the moment.

In this trial I found Faith, i feel also God taught me that everybody at one stage or another has crosses to carry in this life and I really endeavour to pray for others daily, believing and trusting God will help them…but I don’t seem to apply the same trust with our situaton anymore. I get terribly fear filled thoughts that will not leave me that God won’t help us, that we are abandoned to some degree. This fear really clutches at me.

I really wish I wasn’t struggling and I think I’m sinning by despairing but still I do it! I know it’s wrong too but my fear is overtaking my faith as are my doubts that God loves us and wants to help us.

At Easter I had my eyes opened to our Lord Jesus in such a profound way, the absolute love I felt for Him was astounding. I also had my eyes opened in a big way to the suffering He faced on the Cross, for us, out of complete love. He understands true suffering.

Through our trial I have been believing Jesus is with us, but now I feel shame in admitting this, but I am thinking He won’t help us, and horrifyingly I get these awful thoughts come in that maybe He doesn’t love me. I know thats ridiculous. But the lies and attacks we face make me feel abandoned. God is a God of truth and justice so why are they so far being allowed to get away with lieing about us.

I fear I’m losing Jesus. There will be days when I feel close to Him and feel His peace and his love. And in prayer or when praying the Rosary or the Way of the Cross it is like He is beside me. At these times I feel my Faith is strong and can never be weakened and I thank God over and over again…But then out of nowhere, due to the attacks we are facing, my faith comes crashing down. And due to these constant attacks from our situation I have lost hope and trust.

I have spoken to our priest. He is such a dear man and I am so grateful to God for placing him on our path. He knows of our trial and he says to some extent the persons whom have taken us to court are very simlar in their nature to that of darkness, but he says God knows whats happening and He is on our side and will help us, it just takes time.

Why has my mind and heart stopped believing in the power of Jesus’ help. I feel everything our dear Father has given me. The absolute love I felt for Jesus, my eyes opened to Faith etc I am throwing back in His face by acting the way I am - but I feel powerless to overcome this! I think Jesus must be ever so disappointed with me. I ask Him to take this feeling of despair away and help me to simply trust in Him but the trust I have isn’t lasting for the worry, fears and hopelessness crowd in and overtake and swamp all the Faith God had given me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve also prayed asking what on earth is God’s will for our life, after all He speaks through our circumstances, but I feel no answers.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Through our trial I have been believing Jesus is with us, but now I feel shame in admitting this, but I am thinking He won’t help us, and horrifyingly I get these awful thoughts come in that maybe He doesn’t love me. I know thats ridiculous. But the lies and attacks we face make me feel abandoned. God is a God of truth and justice so why are they so far being allowed to get away with lieing about us.

First of all, about the lies and attacks, from a spiritual standpoint these are actually good things. They are good because they test you and give you an opportunity to purify yourself by learning to accept the attacks with peace. That peace will give you a clearer mind to respond, and to make decisions in the trial.

I think it is risky to believe that your closeness to God can be indicated by how the trial progresses. To me, this sounds like a plot to break you from your faith.

When you pass successfully through these trials, I am confident you will emerge stronger, and more spiritually mature than when you started.

I have two things to suggest for you. One is a song that my fraternity chaplain played for me many years ago, when I was down due to circumstances. I don’t know your taste in music, but if you like the band Styx, check out the song “Fooling Yourself.” The song suggestion is not a statement about you, but I’m just sharing a song that helped me keep my chin up.

Second, is to check out a silly little program I wrote once when I intended to learn web programming. It is called “Personalized Beatitudes” and is at: wordsfree.org/attitude.html Here is the output from the program, with your name inserted…

Blessed is velvetsky when her spirits are poor,
for hers is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed is velvetsky when she mourns,
for she shall be comforted.
Blessed is velvetsky for being gentle,
for she shall inherit the earth.
Blessed is velvetsky when she hungers and thirsts after righteousness,
for she shall be filled.
Blessed is velvetsky when she shows mercy,
for she shall obtain mercy.
Blessed is velvetsky with a pure heart,
for with it she shall see God.
Blessed is velvetsky when she makes peace,
for she shall be called a child of God.
Blessed is velvetsky when she is persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
for hers is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed is velvetsky when people reproach her, persecute her, and say all kinds of evil against her falsely, for Christ’s sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is her reward in heaven. For that is how they persecuted the prophets who were before her.

• Alan

 

[Trishie]

Remember that Jesus pleaded for the prayer and company of others just before He faced His terrible ordeal. He even asked to escape the suffering, (Let this chalice pass from Me…"but added, Your will be done.
Remember that He went through the extreme of suffering and abandonment and cried our. “My God why have You forsaken Me?”, but that He also said, "Father into Your hands I entrust my Spirit.

Is it so surprising that you also are suffering this way? And your responses must be the same as His, but it doesn’t mean you’re turning from Him or from trust in Him. You are tired and scared, and worn out with all the hurting and worry. That is human.

“Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:9) 1999
Although we have may difficulty in seeing divine action within ourselves, we have a God whose “strength does not lie in numbers, nor Your might in violent men, since You are God of the humble, the help of the oppressed, the support of the weak, the refuge of the forsaken, the saviour of the despairing.” [Judith 9:14-16]

 

[Trishie]

Eternal God, when my spirit has burned to ashes, ground to dust with a boulder of mute and heavy sorrow, please give me trust in Your personal love for me.

When mine, or others’ mistakes or uncaring have wounded and savaged my heart, where are You to restore what is injured even when I plead for Your intervention and strive to heal the damage? And yet, though You seem absent, I still humbly cry out for Your mercy and healing.

When my efforts leave me helpless with no path left to try, please comfort me and show me a new path.

When others undermine with repeated assaults and short-circuit my resolve, send wise friends to comfort and support me. For no sooner has one problem and heartache eased or resolved than another, equally painful, arises for another or myself.

I seek You but sometimes am left to feel You are heartlessly steeled against me and my life becomes a flat salt desert. Please help me to trust in You even then, when trust no longer seems possible.

My heart cries out repeatedly, groping in the helplessness of fears, disappointments and grief that words cannot convey; screaming in the silence of my brain. Is my only comfort, some day, death?

Yet still I call on You and place my tatters of faith in You.

 

[Trishie]

Trust

Eternal Father, in our difficulties, in our disappointments, in our illnesses, we cannot endure prolonged or severe spiritual desolation without Your support. Please comfort us, and increase our faith.

You know that Jesus, though sinless, chose to suffer with us, drinking the cup of our unloving choices to the full. Jesus suffered doubt as we do when He cried out, “My God, My God, why have You abandoned Me?” We unite our doubt with His, for You look with silent pity and unspeakable love on Your Son.

Jesus, You say to me, “Take up your cross and follow Me!” “If you love me, keep my commandments.” I fix my eyes upon the bright scars of Your ransom for me. Why did You suffer so terribly for me who even now remain unconverted? Yet Your wounds, Your hands, Your heart and Your word are filled with promises that You desire to fulfil in me and in others.

Give us strength to bear doubt when it comes, our God, so that with Jesus we can say, “Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit”, thus joining with Him to death of unbelief and sin—into freedom of rising with Him into the glory of the redeemed spirit. April 1981

I offer You my only coin—trust against all appearances, hope despite my heartache, and faith despite my sins and flaws. Mercifully accept this meagre offering and open Your treasure house of love to me and my loved ones, and to those whom You wish to serve through me. October 1981

 

[Trishie]

Your post shows to me that you are very a beautiful soul.
I think you’re doing the best you can manage at the moment.
I understand the feelings you are speaking of.
I went through every moment of the injustice and untruths that affected someone very dear, a few years ago, along with the scary court aspect.
Jesus wasn’t cleared, though innocent, but I pray you and your husband will be cleared.
I ask Jesus and the Holy Spirit to carry you through this.

I ask Jesus to help you feel His presence and His hand in yours during all this awful time. In your mind hold His fingers tight, and lean your head against His shoulder in your mind each time you can’t bear things or just need His love. Think of Him with dark, wavy and shining hair and with kind brown eyes looking gently at you.

Jesus isn’t disappointed with you. He experienced the hard realities of life and the impact of unloving and cruel people. He knows how hard it is. And He knows how hard it is on loved ones, as with His loving mother. She who with her humble faith and trust, with her gentle request won from Him a miracle at Cana before His time for miracles had come…I ask her to say a loving prayer for you and your husband.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Two quick Scriptures to consider:

"If the world hates you, realize that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you.
John 15:18-19

I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world."
John 16:33

Alan

 

[tbcrawford]

Dear friend I am sorry for your suffering with this court trial.You do not deserve this and I know you & hubby are innocent.It must be so very stressful & worrying for you.We all have doubts at one time or another it is how we deal with it that matters.We can choose to presevere with prayer and tell God we place all our trust in Him even though we fear for if we let the seed of doubt grow it will spread and take over, if we feed our soul with prayer and love for God our faith too will grow.

You are a wonderful faithful person velvetsky and i am honoured that you are my friend.I respect you greatly and admire the way you have dealt with all this stress.Please know i have not stopped praying for you (and will not) and God loves YOU,He loves us all and wants no harm to come to any of us.There is a saying ‘if God brings it to you He brings you through it’.

Nomatter what happens God will grant you strength to cope but i pray all this will be cleared up soon and you & hubby will be found innocent.God bless youxxx

Holy Spirit, come into velvetsky’s heart; draw it to Thee by Thy power, O my God, and grant her charity with filial fear. Preserve her and her husband, O ineffable Love, from every evil thought; warm her, inflame her with Thy dear love, and every pain will seem light to her. My Father, my sweet Lord, help my friend velvetsky in all her actions. Jesus, love, Jesus, love. Amen.

 

[tbcrawford]

But my God shall supply
all your need
according to his riches in glory by
Christ Jesus.

• Phillipians 4:19

 

[revert_jen]

Hi velvetsky

I’m sorry for the troubles you are going through. There is nothing as frustrating as injustice.

I’m going to say something here that doesn’t sound all that comforting at first, but in the end it is the only real comfort that cannot be shaken.

God knows what you need better than you do. God loves you and He always will. He hears your prayers and has the will and the power to do what is best for you. However, He may not help you with the outcome of this trial in the way you are asking, because that may not be what is best for you. Because God not only has more knowledge of what will happen as a result of various circumstances, but He also has the correct perspective (which we lack). He is not as concerned with earthly happiness as we are because one day, when we die, we too will be able to look back and see that earthly unhappiness that we experienced did not matter.

What matters is getting to Heaven, and what God wants for all of us is to be as holy as possible. It may be that suffering for a while under unjust accusations and perjured testimony from the other side will help you get to Heaven. Maybe this is some training so that you can fight injustice against others or something, I don’t know.

The rock we can always stand firm on is that God loves us and always knows what is best for us and will see that it happens if we ask Him for help.

The rock we tend to want to stand on, which is slippery and has a tendency to tip us off, is that we know what is best for ourselves and if God loves us, He will see to it that that happens if we ask Him to.

It’s natural, we all do it, but Jesus is with you. The same Jesus who followed His Father’s will into unjust torture and death, becoming the Savior of the world.

There’s no problem with praying for God to take the cross of this trial from you. But you have to have implicit in all prayers as well, “yet not my will but Thy will be done.”

It is also important to remember that we are all allowed the great gift of free will. This includes the people who are lying about you. If God struck down or instantly punished everyone who did wrong, that free will would be compromised. Also it is clear that He doesn’t do so, because I’ve done bad things in my life before (not illegal, like perjury, but bad enough) and God did not immediately punish me or stop me from doing it. He just called me to repentance, and Praise God, I finally listened. I still sin of course, and He still calls me to repentance rather than intervening to stop me against my will, and eventually I listen and repent.

Belief is an act of the will, not of the feelings. God will probably not always feel close to you, but He will always be close to you. Choose now to believe in Him regardless of shifting feelings in the future, and if you hold to it, you will never leave Him.

God bless you!

–Jen

 

[moonrarr]

thankyou all for offering these kind words to my wife velvetsky! It means alot to both of us, May god bless you all!!

 

[velvetsky]

First of all, about the lies and attacks, from a spiritual standpoint these are actually good things. They are good because they test you and give you an opportunity to purify yourself by learning to accept the attacks with peace. That peace will give you a clearer mind to respond, and to make decisions in the trial.

Thankyou Alan, I hadn’t thought about it from that point of view.

 

[velvetsky]

Eternal God, when my spirit has burned to ashes, ground to dust with a boulder of mute and heavy sorrow, please give me trust in Your personal love for me.

When mine, or others’ mistakes or uncaring have wounded and savaged my heart, where are You to restore what is injured even when I plead for Your intervention and strive to heal the damage? And yet, though You seem absent, I still humbly cry out for Your mercy and healing.

When my efforts leave me helpless with no path left to try, please comfort me and show me a new path.

When others undermine with repeated assaults and short-circuit my resolve, send wise friends to comfort and support me. For no sooner has one problem and heartache eased or resolved than another, equally painful, arises for another or myself.

Dear Trishie, thankyou so much for your kind words and prayers, this prayer has really touched me and I’m going to use this one. xx

I seek You but sometimes am left to feel You are heartlessly steeled against me and my life becomes a flat salt desert. Please help me to trust in You even then, when trust no longer seems possible.

My heart cries out repeatedly, groping in the helplessness of fears, disappointments and grief that words cannot convey; screaming in the silence of my brain. Is my only comfort, some day, death?

Yet still I call on You and place my tatters of faith in You.

 

[velvetsky]

But my God shall supply
all your need
according to his riches in glory by
Christ Jesus.

• Phillipians 4:19

Thankyou Teresa, xx

 

[velvetsky]

Hi velvetsky

I’m sorry for the troubles you are going through. There is nothing as frustrating as injustice.

I’m going to say something here that doesn’t sound all that comforting at first, but in the end it is the only real comfort that cannot be shaken.

God knows what you need better than you do. God loves you and He always will. He hears your prayers and has the will and the power to do what is best for you. However, He may not help you with the outcome of this trial in the way you are asking, because that may not be what is best for you. Because God not only has more knowledge of what will happen as a result of various circumstances, but He also has the correct perspective (which we lack). He is not as concerned with earthly happiness as we are because one day, when we die, we too will be able to look back and see that earthly unhappiness that we experienced did not matter.

What matters is getting to Heaven, and what God wants for all of us is to be as holy as possible. It may be that suffering for a while under unjust accusations and perjured testimony from the other side will help you get to Heaven. Maybe this is some training so that you can fight injustice against others or something, I don’t know.

The rock we can always stand firm on is that God loves us and always knows what is best for us and will see that it happens if we ask Him for help.

The rock we tend to want to stand on, which is slippery and has a tendency to tip us off, is that we know what is best for ourselves and if God loves us, He will see to it that that happens if we ask Him to.

It’s natural, we all do it, but Jesus is with you. The same Jesus who followed His Father’s will into unjust torture and death, becoming the Savior of the world.

There’s no problem with praying for God to take the cross of this trial from you. But you have to have implicit in all prayers as well, “yet not my will but Thy will be done.”

It is also important to remember that we are all allowed the great gift of free will. This includes the people who are lying about you. If God struck down or instantly punished everyone who did wrong, that free will would be compromised. Also it is clear that He doesn’t do so, because I’ve done bad things in my life before (not illegal, like perjury, but bad enough) and God did not immediately punish me or stop me from doing it. He just called me to repentance, and Praise God, I finally listened. I still sin of course, and He still calls me to repentance rather than intervening to stop me against my will, and eventually I listen and repent.

Belief is an act of the will, not of the feelings. God will probably not always feel close to you, but He will always be close to you. Choose now to believe in Him regardless of shifting feelings in the future, and if you hold to it, you will never leave Him.

God bless you!

–Jen

Hi Jen, thanks so much for your post,

 

[reen12]

**
velvetsky, I am very sorry that you are enduring that which you described
in your opening post.
The Sisters who taught us in grade school, in the early 1950’s, made sure
that we all memorized the following prayer, and I thought that this prayer
might bring comfort.

**Hail Holy Queen
**
Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy,
Hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope.
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
*to thee do we send up our sighs,
mourning and weeping in this vale of tears. *
Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy towards us,
and after this our exile, show unto us the blessèd fruit of thy womb, Jesus,
oh clement, oh loving, oh sweet Virgin Mary.
Amen.

reen12
**

 

[reen12]

I have found, in 64 years, that life has times that are truly scarey,
and that it helps a lot to cling to God, telling Him how frightened and upset one is.
If anyone understands about the taste of fear, in being brought to court, it’s Jesus of Nazareth.

It’s as if Jesus reaches across time - inviting some individuals to be with Him,
so He wouldn’t feel so lonely facing that which He endured.
For some, it’s companionship in Gethsemani, when there is still a moment of hope that suffering would pass.
For others, it’s to stand alongside Him, as He is brought into court. Others He calls to be with Him on Calvary, in great physical agony, with death near. Those with clincal depression may sit beside His cross, leaning on it.
They may sometimes be joined by those who are near despair. des espoir. without hope.
The latter two of which may share one thing in common. They are beyond words.
But they do not need to say anything. He hangs there, as we lean silently against His cross.

And Jesus cried out: “My God, why have You abandoned Me?”
He allowed His mind to be eclipsed of Godhead, so that we would know that
He, too, experienced near despair. ‘Why have I been abandoned? Where is God?’

You are in my prayers, velvetsky.

reen12

 

[tbcrawford]

But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.

—Jeremiah 20:11

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
—Matthew 5:10-12

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.
—John 15:18-20

When they had preached the gospel to that city and had made many disciples, they returned to Lystra and to Iconium and to Antioch, strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.
—Acts 14:21-22

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
—2 Corinthians 4:8-11

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
—2 Corinthians 12:10

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,
—2 Timothy 3:12

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.
—1 Peter 4:12-14, 16

 

[Trishie]

You know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I ask the Holy Spirit to be very active in protecting you and your husband and in uncovering the truth that will rescue you both from this situation.
Love, Trishie

 

[tbcrawford]

Dear friend you & hubby are in my thoughts & prayers.God bless you both and stay strong

From all eternity, O Lord, You planned my very existence and my destiny. You wrapped me in Your love in baptism and gave me the Faith to lead me to an eternal life of happiness with You. You have showered me with Your graces and You have been always ready with Your mercy and forgiveness when I have fallen. Now I beg You for the light I so earnestly need that I may find the way of life in which lies the best fulfillment of Your will. Whatever state this may be, give me the grace necessary to embrace it with love of Your holy will, as devotedly as Your Blessed Mother did Your will. I offer myself to You now, trusting in Your wisdom and love to direct me in working out my salvation and in helping others to know and come close to You, so that I may find my reward in union with You for ever and ever. Amen.

PSALM 139 ( 138)
O Lord, you search me and you know me,
you know my resting and my rising,
you discern my purpose from afar.
You mark when I walk or lie down;
all my ways lie open before you.

O where can I go from your spirit,
or where can I flee from your face?
If I climb the heavens, you are there.
If I lie in the grave, you are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn
and dwell at the sea’s furthest end,
even there your hand would lead me,
your right hand would hold me fast.

For it was you who created my being,
knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I thank you for the wonder of my being,
for the wonders of all your creation.

But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.

—Jeremiah 20:11